THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "TOUCH AND GO (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
27 total reviews
Comment from JackiO
Firstly - Doubt one could ever forget you! or your creative stories!
Secondly - that whole computer crashing loosing valuable work - ugh its like having a melt down/ loosing your soul/ heart breaking!
This is rather a big change form the usual.
I like how you paint the bond between Jed and Doctrex
I also hope Jed makes it...
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Firstly - Doubt one could ever forget you! or your creative stories!
Secondly - that whole computer crashing loosing valuable work - ugh its like having a melt down/ loosing your soul/ heart breaking!
This is rather a big change form the usual.
I like how you paint the bond between Jed and Doctrex
I also hope Jed makes it...
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thanks, again, JackiO. You are so kind in your opinion of me and my writing. Yes, the lost chapters is frustrating, but I will take it as a blessing instead of a tragedy. It will force me to dig deep. I'm glad to know you'll be here. HOpe you also give my other novel a chance.
Comment from marijmd
So sad to hear about your computer !!! That happened to me and I lost one of my novels completely!! I had an old hard copy I printed - but it was not updated with proof reading and 2nd edits. SUCKS!!
Now for your chapter:
Caring for the sick is such a touch and go thing. I can see Doctrix is trying to get Jeds mind off of what his body is going through - being very caring. Of course more water is best!!
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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So sad to hear about your computer !!! That happened to me and I lost one of my novels completely!! I had an old hard copy I printed - but it was not updated with proof reading and 2nd edits. SUCKS!!
Now for your chapter:
Caring for the sick is such a touch and go thing. I can see Doctrix is trying to get Jeds mind off of what his body is going through - being very caring. Of course more water is best!!
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thanks for your empathy, Maria. At my age, If I lost my entire novel, I'd just have to give up writing. I'd figure the fates were against me. I hope you give my other novel a chance. It won't be anything like this. Mainstream, a little edgy.
Comment from Dashjianta
Hi Jay. Sorry for getting to this late. Decided to put on my old laptop and get it updated, and it ended up taking all day.
Anyways, on to the review:
Doctrex's concern for Jed comes across throughout this chapter, from his moving the bed to be close, to the way he takes over Jed's care and talks to him to try and bring him round. Nice uplifting ending after the tension built by the uncertainty--though there is still plenty could go wrong.
Some suggestions:
Beginning to hear Jed's low moans over the next twenty-four hours was a welcomed sound.
--Reads awkwardly to me--'beginning' and 'welcomed' clash. What about something like: It was a relief (I was relieved) to hear Jed's low moans increase in frequency and volume over the next twenty-four hours. OR, to avoid the 'was' and keep things in the same order: Jed's low moans increased in frequency and volume over the next twenty-four hours, each one adding a drop of weight to my fragile hope. (bit too much?)
The bed that was made up sumptuously for me I had pushed flush against Jed's bed, though my mattress was a few inches higher. I was able to look over and down at Jed, lying on his side, facing me.
--First sentence is passive because you've got the bed before the person, but putting Doctrex first gives you two sentences starting with 'I' in a row. What about a slight rejig in order to overcome both issues. eg: I watched him from my sumptuous bed, which I'd (I?) pushed flush to his. The extra height of my thicker mattress let me look down on him (watch for any change?--but then you have two watches) as he lay on his side, facing me. (Ughh, I DO NOT like that example. Too clunky) But hopefully you see what I mean--the important part, that Doctrex's watching, now comes first and is active, whilst the second sentence can afford to be passive because its adding the extra details and keeping the pace sedate.
The medic, whose name he gave as Garvin,
--'who gave his name as'--otherwise sounds as though a third person gave his name.
"He would choke on it," Garvin said.
--Have you double-checked this? Or know from experience? Just asking because I was under the impression if you put a drop or two of water on an unconscious persons lips/tongue they'll swallow reflexively. (have only read this in other stories though)
After about an hour, he seemed to be breathing(his breathing appeared), if not deeper, then less ragged,
--just sounds more natural to me.
and know that Doctrex is here with you." My voice broke.
--Maybe an ellipses or dash to show him breaking off.
"We've got a little cough, do we, Jed ?" the medic asked.( ")That's all right. Your throat's dry,
Our problem is we can't give you any of it until you let us know it's all right.
--Consider deleting 'of it'. Maybe 'our' as well, but that would be dialect dependent.
I knew right then I needed you as my courier." //His mouth relaxed into a natural smile. But soon his eye left mine and moved to the canteen. //"Less talkin' more drinkin', huh?"
--Need to split this into separate paras at the //s? To separate Doc's talking for Jed's actions. And maybe--if I can be presumptuous--slip in a wee Doctrex quip/self-mocking smile before the final dialogue to show his mood lifting?
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Hi Jay. Sorry for getting to this late. Decided to put on my old laptop and get it updated, and it ended up taking all day.
Anyways, on to the review:
Doctrex's concern for Jed comes across throughout this chapter, from his moving the bed to be close, to the way he takes over Jed's care and talks to him to try and bring him round. Nice uplifting ending after the tension built by the uncertainty--though there is still plenty could go wrong.
Some suggestions:
Beginning to hear Jed's low moans over the next twenty-four hours was a welcomed sound.
--Reads awkwardly to me--'beginning' and 'welcomed' clash. What about something like: It was a relief (I was relieved) to hear Jed's low moans increase in frequency and volume over the next twenty-four hours. OR, to avoid the 'was' and keep things in the same order: Jed's low moans increased in frequency and volume over the next twenty-four hours, each one adding a drop of weight to my fragile hope. (bit too much?)
The bed that was made up sumptuously for me I had pushed flush against Jed's bed, though my mattress was a few inches higher. I was able to look over and down at Jed, lying on his side, facing me.
--First sentence is passive because you've got the bed before the person, but putting Doctrex first gives you two sentences starting with 'I' in a row. What about a slight rejig in order to overcome both issues. eg: I watched him from my sumptuous bed, which I'd (I?) pushed flush to his. The extra height of my thicker mattress let me look down on him (watch for any change?--but then you have two watches) as he lay on his side, facing me. (Ughh, I DO NOT like that example. Too clunky) But hopefully you see what I mean--the important part, that Doctrex's watching, now comes first and is active, whilst the second sentence can afford to be passive because its adding the extra details and keeping the pace sedate.
The medic, whose name he gave as Garvin,
--'who gave his name as'--otherwise sounds as though a third person gave his name.
"He would choke on it," Garvin said.
--Have you double-checked this? Or know from experience? Just asking because I was under the impression if you put a drop or two of water on an unconscious persons lips/tongue they'll swallow reflexively. (have only read this in other stories though)
After about an hour, he seemed to be breathing(his breathing appeared), if not deeper, then less ragged,
--just sounds more natural to me.
and know that Doctrex is here with you." My voice broke.
--Maybe an ellipses or dash to show him breaking off.
"We've got a little cough, do we, Jed ?" the medic asked.( ")That's all right. Your throat's dry,
Our problem is we can't give you any of it until you let us know it's all right.
--Consider deleting 'of it'. Maybe 'our' as well, but that would be dialect dependent.
I knew right then I needed you as my courier." //His mouth relaxed into a natural smile. But soon his eye left mine and moved to the canteen. //"Less talkin' more drinkin', huh?"
--Need to split this into separate paras at the //s? To separate Doc's talking for Jed's actions. And maybe--if I can be presumptuous--slip in a wee Doctrex quip/self-mocking smile before the final dialogue to show his mood lifting?
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Once more, your super-fine suggestions, Alex. I especially like the idea of making the sentence about the beds more active. I'll have to look them over carefully.
Yes... All good ideas. I will definitely include these suggestions to my final edit. I already changed the slipped quote mark. Thanks for pointing it out.
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write and your chapters are quite long,LOL I wish I could write long ones, I have come in at the end but I enjoyed the read and was able to follow. Thanks for sharing. Mary
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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A good write and your chapters are quite long,LOL I wish I could write long ones, I have come in at the end but I enjoyed the read and was able to follow. Thanks for sharing. Mary
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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You are SO kind to award me with this sixth star, Mary. I appreciate it. I'm happy to have you on board. The chapters will begin to be farther apart from now on.
Comment from Writingfundimension
This was a most moving chapter as Jed is slowly recovering his awareness. It was very moving the way that Doctrex spoke to him in his unconscious state, assuring he wasn't alone. Another excellent chapter, Jay.
I'm so sorry for the problems you're experiencing with the files. You can count on me to keep up with whenever you're able to post.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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This was a most moving chapter as Jed is slowly recovering his awareness. It was very moving the way that Doctrex spoke to him in his unconscious state, assuring he wasn't alone. Another excellent chapter, Jay.
I'm so sorry for the problems you're experiencing with the files. You can count on me to keep up with whenever you're able to post.
:) Bev
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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I knew, Bev, if anyone would be here for me it would be you. I really appreciate that. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter.
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Any time, friend.
:)
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I know I replied to this, but it's the only way this NEW AND IMPROVED *snicker* SYSTEM will take me to the nominations screen.
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I appreciate it, Jay. Very kind of you. Bev
Comment from lancellot
Nice continuation. It is hard to pull away from. Few write about the love between soldiers, that is formed from life and death trials. Different and good.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Nice continuation. It is hard to pull away from. Few write about the love between soldiers, that is formed from life and death trials. Different and good.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Once again, for your incisive reading, and thoughtful review (and now the chartreuse cross) I thank you so much. Glad to have you here and hope you patiently await the next chapter and the other novel I'll be re-posting in the interim.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
I see the poet, feel the writer, grab for the last cold beer, confused but moving with the story, wind of truth moves, where is the fight, have they given up on the General, are they gathering to face the enemy or have they gone home, oh the power you have, wink, best day out there.. Walt
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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I see the poet, feel the writer, grab for the last cold beer, confused but moving with the story, wind of truth moves, where is the fight, have they given up on the General, are they gathering to face the enemy or have they gone home, oh the power you have, wink, best day out there.. Walt
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thanks again, Walt. I think you'll like my new novel, interspersed between chapters of the Trining. It's mainstream, edgy, fun.
Comment from rjpurdy
What a heart wrenching post Jay! The ever important HOPE is thick and creamy. The bond of love and admiration says so much about the loyalty and conviction of these men. Doctrex dribbling life onto Jed's lips says so much. The care and concern of the medic is also palpable. He could not perform at such a high level without feeling the trust and loyalty that Doctrex gave him. My own heart is warmed as this brings to mind the love and loyalty I have for the FEW I call friends and brothers. Thank you Jay. Your timing is impeccable!
I am so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. As a reader, call me loyal! I am here for the long haul my friend.
~Peace and good writing~ Rod
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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What a heart wrenching post Jay! The ever important HOPE is thick and creamy. The bond of love and admiration says so much about the loyalty and conviction of these men. Doctrex dribbling life onto Jed's lips says so much. The care and concern of the medic is also palpable. He could not perform at such a high level without feeling the trust and loyalty that Doctrex gave him. My own heart is warmed as this brings to mind the love and loyalty I have for the FEW I call friends and brothers. Thank you Jay. Your timing is impeccable!
I am so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. As a reader, call me loyal! I am here for the long haul my friend.
~Peace and good writing~ Rod
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thank you so much for the sixer, Rod. I'm glad you enjoyed the emotion of this post. More to come. I hope to begin the next chapter today.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I post a chapter a week because I work full time and don't have time to review or write except of weekends. When we have breaks in the school year, I always write ahead. I enjoyed reading your post.
I hoping Jed makes it. It's looking like he's doing better.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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I post a chapter a week because I work full time and don't have time to review or write except of weekends. When we have breaks in the school year, I always write ahead. I enjoyed reading your post.
I hoping Jed makes it. It's looking like he's doing better.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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You are a teacher? I understand time restrictions. Barbara, I hope you get a chance to read my re-post of my mainstream novel. The first 7 chapters are re-posted (after they're cut into more palatable slices for FanStory)After that I'll be created new material while I'm editing The Trining. Thanks for your kind loyalty.
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Yes, I teach first grade. The little guys keep me going.
Comment from mmjg65
Excellent job maintaining the tension. Feeling a little hope for Jed. Also hoping that hope is not premature.
I'm sorry to hear about your lost chapters. That is a grievous blow indeed. You needn't worry about me forgetting you! I look forward reading "Eddie and the Boxcar Painter" as well.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Excellent job maintaining the tension. Feeling a little hope for Jed. Also hoping that hope is not premature.
I'm sorry to hear about your lost chapters. That is a grievous blow indeed. You needn't worry about me forgetting you! I look forward reading "Eddie and the Boxcar Painter" as well.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thanks for your kindness, Mark. I'm going to make creating those lost chapters anew a blessing. I'm glad you'll stay aboard for 'Eddie'. It's mainstream, a little edgy. I think you'll like it.
