THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "BURROWING LIKE BRAIN-WORMS (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
This story has so many nuances to it. With every solution comes a fresh mystery or challenge. Much like the magic that Glnot practices to guarantee defeat of Doctrex. I'm guessing you're an avid puzzler? Anyway, this one kept me on my toes.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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This story has so many nuances to it. With every solution comes a fresh mystery or challenge. Much like the magic that Glnot practices to guarantee defeat of Doctrex. I'm guessing you're an avid puzzler? Anyway, this one kept me on my toes.
:) Bev
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Bev -- so much. A puzzler? Not so much. I love playing one character off another and do what I can to ALWAYS make it an even match. When I'm writing I don't always knew who'll win a particular scene.
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I was thinking along the lines of chess or crosswords LoL.
As always, a pleasure, Jay.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Mind games ... this is the creature Axitilia is destined to marry. Yikes!
The complex twists and turns of this plot keep me alert and on my toes, Jay!
Well done, sir! (And I'm back and caught up - hurrah!)
Sonali
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Mind games ... this is the creature Axitilia is destined to marry. Yikes!
The complex twists and turns of this plot keep me alert and on my toes, Jay!
Well done, sir! (And I'm back and caught up - hurrah!)
Sonali
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Sonali. I thought you were going on vacation for a month. The poem I read of yours, was it from a month ago? Doctrex and I will do whatever we can to keep Axtilla away from Rhuether in a forever way. But there's only so much we can do.
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Leaving on Friday. Lots to do yet, but the pull of FS is awfully strong. Posted the poem last afternoon.
Comment from Goodauthor
(This is the same subject, but a different thought. Therefore, it should begin another paragraph and begin with quotation marks.)I accept its authenticity coming from you. But to give it the audience he needs among the troops, he'll implant the message to a less reasonable person. You're not losing your mind, Braims. Trust me. As long as you don't fear the words in your head, they will dim over time and disappear." I placed my hand on his forearm.
"More than likely.(Why a period and a Cap on but?) But you're not connected with the result. And it's not fate you'll be witnessing--it's magic.
"I've thought of it, ("I have thought about it) and I know Rhuether is counting on it, but if or until it happens I can't dwell on it."
Jay you're too close to the end to get careless. I suggest you proofread it.
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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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(This is the same subject, but a different thought. Therefore, it should begin another paragraph and begin with quotation marks.)I accept its authenticity coming from you. But to give it the audience he needs among the troops, he'll implant the message to a less reasonable person. You're not losing your mind, Braims. Trust me. As long as you don't fear the words in your head, they will dim over time and disappear." I placed my hand on his forearm.
"More than likely.(Why a period and a Cap on but?) But you're not connected with the result. And it's not fate you'll be witnessing--it's magic.
"I've thought of it, ("I have thought about it) and I know Rhuether is counting on it, but if or until it happens I can't dwell on it."
Jay you're too close to the end to get careless. I suggest you proofread it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Linda. Actually, I'm not that near the end of it. But there's still no allowance for sloppiness. I will look these over in the final edit. Thanks, as usual, for your close read.
Comment from Fridayauthor
This is a good chapter that show a lot of speculation, especially on Doctrex'a part. I tried to follow his thought pattern as he reiterated what Rheuther was doing.
He seemed to state a lot as fact and no his opinion so I wondered if the point of view might be in trouble. However, it seemed to flow properly, as long as we know it's just Doctrex conclusions, not fact.
Good dialog. I'd like to see a quick line or so, reminding us of the location and progress.
Nice chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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This is a good chapter that show a lot of speculation, especially on Doctrex'a part. I tried to follow his thought pattern as he reiterated what Rheuther was doing.
He seemed to state a lot as fact and no his opinion so I wondered if the point of view might be in trouble. However, it seemed to flow properly, as long as we know it's just Doctrex conclusions, not fact.
Good dialog. I'd like to see a quick line or so, reminding us of the location and progress.
Nice chapter.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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I will look back over that fine line, to make sure it isn't crossed. You're right about the location thing. I can pop that in like raisins in a cookie. I'll look it over. Thanks, Ray.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
lol, lost minds, spiders and thieves, in the mind to deceive, a portion of fiction to guide truth, where is Batman when you need him, no heart, doubt, now this, poor doc, where is the woman, slush, good stuff, Walt
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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lol, lost minds, spiders and thieves, in the mind to deceive, a portion of fiction to guide truth, where is Batman when you need him, no heart, doubt, now this, poor doc, where is the woman, slush, good stuff, Walt
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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That "where is the woman" isn't lost on me, Walt. They should have one helluva reunion at the palace, dontcha think?
Comment from jaeladarling
The enemy is getting desperate. A sure sign to keep going. Now to keep the troops determined and sane...
Great reading! Can't wait for more. :)
Suggestions:
"His breathing was erratic and his" (Comma after "erratic")
"Then, he took a breath and" (No comma)
"favorable to him and he" (Comma after "him")
"Sorry, to call you back" (No comma)
"I laughed outright at that, and addressed Gotzel." (No comma)
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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The enemy is getting desperate. A sure sign to keep going. Now to keep the troops determined and sane...
Great reading! Can't wait for more. :)
Suggestions:
"His breathing was erratic and his" (Comma after "erratic")
"Then, he took a breath and" (No comma)
"favorable to him and he" (Comma after "him")
"Sorry, to call you back" (No comma)
"I laughed outright at that, and addressed Gotzel." (No comma)
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Hey, you gotta admit, the comma gaffs are less, right. I got my buts in order. Now I can start working on ands. LOL, thanks Jaela.
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LOL Right! :p ;)
Comment from rjpurdy
Terrific intrigue and building suspense Jay. Just a terrific read and I find I have almost a personal relationship with the cast. Vivid and clear. There is a lot going on but the story is uncluttered. I did find one one typo:
"left my cot to greet Giln and Select and their arriving troops." (Last line) - I believe you meant Sheleck
Fabulous read my friend! Rod
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Terrific intrigue and building suspense Jay. Just a terrific read and I find I have almost a personal relationship with the cast. Vivid and clear. There is a lot going on but the story is uncluttered. I did find one one typo:
"left my cot to greet Giln and Select and their arriving troops." (Last line) - I believe you meant Sheleck
Fabulous read my friend! Rod
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Oh, wow! How did that slip past me? I'll take care of it right now. Thanks Rod. It is done!
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Jay, would you be willing to look at story before I post it in a contest? It's about 1200 words. I know it's asking a lot and a no is OK. Let me know.
POeace to you my friend. Rod
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Don't mind at all, Rod. You want to email it to me? gwsquiresjr@gmail.com. But let me know when, so I can look for it.
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I will send it in a couple minutes. From rodpurdy@hotmail.com
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid words like felt, heard, saw, or smelled.
I like the way Doctrex is using each soldier to help another who has the same problem.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Try to avoid words like felt, heard, saw, or smelled.
I like the way Doctrex is using each soldier to help another who has the same problem.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. I gotta admit, I'm liking Doctrex more and more, too.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. The scary thing about mind magic is that it makes people question themselves. It must be the hardest thing to combat, one can not see it, but only be alert.
He deals with this well, to try and stop it in the 'bud' so to speak.
He actually seemed happy about it. I guess becuase it really does show how desperate the 'enemy' is getting.
and Braims, well...let's see if he can pull up his boots.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Hi. The scary thing about mind magic is that it makes people question themselves. It must be the hardest thing to combat, one can not see it, but only be alert.
He deals with this well, to try and stop it in the 'bud' so to speak.
He actually seemed happy about it. I guess becuase it really does show how desperate the 'enemy' is getting.
and Braims, well...let's see if he can pull up his boots.
padumachitta
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Padumachitta. Yes, I think Rhuether is starting to get desperate. We may just see how much in, oh, several chapters down the road.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This is excellent, especially the way you describe the mind manipulation. Your readers can't help being excited as the buildup continues, Giddy
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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This is excellent, especially the way you describe the mind manipulation. Your readers can't help being excited as the buildup continues, Giddy
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Giddy. I certainly hope you're right. Not too many people reviewing. We'll see. Just thrilled, though that you came by.