Jealous of Robert Faraday
Short Story30 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
Too bad you couldn't enter. I think this one had a good shot a winning. Excellent story and well written. Oh, the guilt that will go on for years. And the jealousy for a perhaps fictitious lover...
  |
Too bad you couldn't enter. I think this one had a good shot a winning. Excellent story and well written. Oh, the guilt that will go on for years. And the jealousy for a perhaps fictitious lover...
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from Sasha
Too bad there wasn't a prompt for this one; it would have been a terrific entry. I enjoyed this immensely and loved the surprise ending. Very well written and deeply moving too.
|
Too bad there wasn't a prompt for this one; it would have been a terrific entry. I enjoyed this immensely and loved the surprise ending. Very well written and deeply moving too.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
oh my just like you . couldn't figure out the connection and reread it. you are am amazing writer. this is so smooth and nice to read.
|
oh my just like you . couldn't figure out the connection and reread it. you are am amazing writer. this is so smooth and nice to read.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from Tatarka2
YES!!! This was just ALMOST perfect, in my opinion. Great story, simply told, with just enough background and description to keep the reader informed and intrigued. I LOVED the surprise ending. I wouldn't suggest this to anyone else, probably, but I have the feeling that you could refine this just a tiny bit and make it even more powerful. The attraction is obviously because it's so forbidden - maybe you could "show" of that with dialogue and descriptions of peoples' actions and reactions? Then, maybe "sneak up on" the ending a bit more - let the reader into his head as he approaches her house, opens that door, calls 911 and her husband. What is he thinking & feeling when the suicide note is read? Does he read it, or does someone else tell him about it? What is that moment like? I think you're just on the edge of something really powerful here.
|
YES!!! This was just ALMOST perfect, in my opinion. Great story, simply told, with just enough background and description to keep the reader informed and intrigued. I LOVED the surprise ending. I wouldn't suggest this to anyone else, probably, but I have the feeling that you could refine this just a tiny bit and make it even more powerful. The attraction is obviously because it's so forbidden - maybe you could "show" of that with dialogue and descriptions of peoples' actions and reactions? Then, maybe "sneak up on" the ending a bit more - let the reader into his head as he approaches her house, opens that door, calls 911 and her husband. What is he thinking & feeling when the suicide note is read? Does he read it, or does someone else tell him about it? What is that moment like? I think you're just on the edge of something really powerful here.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Wow Michael! I wish I had a six for this one. It is really good and held my interest from start to finish. Love the title and how you worked it into the story. It's a shame you couldn't enter the contest.. I like it! Nancy
|
Wow Michael! I wish I had a six for this one. It is really good and held my interest from start to finish. Love the title and how you worked it into the story. It's a shame you couldn't enter the contest.. I like it! Nancy
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. An affair can fill you full of guilt. The death of the person you are having an affair with will fill you with more guilt. The guy knows she killed herself on account of him. That is a tough one. She died protecting him. I don't think his guilt will go away soon. Great work.
|
I love the story. An affair can fill you full of guilt. The death of the person you are having an affair with will fill you with more guilt. The guy knows she killed herself on account of him. That is a tough one. She died protecting him. I don't think his guilt will go away soon. Great work.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Great story--good angle on the POV. There are a few minor points I noticed, but it's your call. You've come light years ahead from where you began. No doubt you'll get published soon, provided you send out enough inquiries, that is. Because you take your work seriously, I have as well, pointing out areas where sentences can be tightened up to add to the flow of the story. See below.
Caution surrounded our passion every bit as much as guilt(. delete-- did)
No one could hear (Suggest--the rap of my knuckles--delete-- it) unless they had their ears tuned to the sound(. delete-- of it and nothing else--)
nothing else.
sat side by side (SB side-by-side,)
Punctuation should be inside quote marks ('Nearer My God To Thee.')
We made solemn vows to withstand (would be stronger--our lust,--delete--it)
She would sit in the chair by me. (Rolling the sentence around o avoid ending with a pronoun tighten the read--TRY--She would sit beside me in a chair.)
|
Great story--good angle on the POV. There are a few minor points I noticed, but it's your call. You've come light years ahead from where you began. No doubt you'll get published soon, provided you send out enough inquiries, that is. Because you take your work seriously, I have as well, pointing out areas where sentences can be tightened up to add to the flow of the story. See below.
Caution surrounded our passion every bit as much as guilt(. delete-- did)
No one could hear (Suggest--the rap of my knuckles--delete-- it) unless they had their ears tuned to the sound(. delete-- of it and nothing else--)
nothing else.
sat side by side (SB side-by-side,)
Punctuation should be inside quote marks ('Nearer My God To Thee.')
We made solemn vows to withstand (would be stronger--our lust,--delete--it)
She would sit in the chair by me. (Rolling the sentence around o avoid ending with a pronoun tighten the read--TRY--She would sit beside me in a chair.)
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from drivenbackward
Good story, Mikey. Well written and engaging. One question: Why wasn't Robert Faraday real? Notes to consider:
our passion every bit as much as guilt did -- No need for 'did'
Our families had been friends for years. We were friends and everyone knew we were friends. But, we weren't meeting as friends -- You have the word 'friends' 4x in this section.
my heart pounding in my chest, -- Makes sense, and it's fine, but if you could think of another option since it's used so often.
being at or near fifty years of age respectively. -- Comma after 'age'
We would meet. -- Not sure if you need this. Sounds a little repetitive.
I called out, "Emily". -- Period inside quotations.
Everyone, cops, husband and onlookers arrived at once. -- Consider colon after 'Everyone'
"No, I don't", I answered. -- Comma inside quotations.
|
Good story, Mikey. Well written and engaging. One question: Why wasn't Robert Faraday real? Notes to consider:
our passion every bit as much as guilt did -- No need for 'did'
Our families had been friends for years. We were friends and everyone knew we were friends. But, we weren't meeting as friends -- You have the word 'friends' 4x in this section.
my heart pounding in my chest, -- Makes sense, and it's fine, but if you could think of another option since it's used so often.
being at or near fifty years of age respectively. -- Comma after 'age'
We would meet. -- Not sure if you need this. Sounds a little repetitive.
I called out, "Emily". -- Period inside quotations.
Everyone, cops, husband and onlookers arrived at once. -- Consider colon after 'Everyone'
"No, I don't", I answered. -- Comma inside quotations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Wow, this is really good, Mikey. You did a super job with this prompt. Quite a surprise ending too. Robert Faraday was the straw man. So sad she felt suicide was the only answer. Well written.
|
Wow, this is really good, Mikey. You did a super job with this prompt. Quite a surprise ending too. Robert Faraday was the straw man. So sad she felt suicide was the only answer. Well written.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from LIJ Red
Playboy Joke: I'm going to kill your wife. She's cheating on us. I'm too lazy to look it up-is there significance in the name Faraday? Excellent yarn.
|
Playboy Joke: I'm going to kill your wife. She's cheating on us. I'm too lazy to look it up-is there significance in the name Faraday? Excellent yarn.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
