~Arsenic & Cold Grace~
It's so lonely at the top...65 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Sorry - my sixes are done for the week - this one is a six in my book, Dean!
Boy, am I glad I'm not up there in the FS rankings .... !
Very, very well done!
Sonali
could have imagined(.) Rich olive
Her silky black hair(no comma needed here) was shoulder-length( JM MAY PUT A COMMA HERE - I'D LET IT GO!!) and as black as onyx
Bruce showed his toothy, almost feral looking smile... how about? ... Bruce gave her his toothy, almost feral smile.
nodded her acknowledgement, so (Bruce) pulled up a chair.... suggest replace Bruce with 'he' to avoid repetition.
In the ladies(') powder room?"
We (a)re going to go over the particulars
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2013
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Sorry - my sixes are done for the week - this one is a six in my book, Dean!
Boy, am I glad I'm not up there in the FS rankings .... !
Very, very well done!
Sonali
could have imagined(.) Rich olive
Her silky black hair(no comma needed here) was shoulder-length( JM MAY PUT A COMMA HERE - I'D LET IT GO!!) and as black as onyx
Bruce showed his toothy, almost feral looking smile... how about? ... Bruce gave her his toothy, almost feral smile.
nodded her acknowledgement, so (Bruce) pulled up a chair.... suggest replace Bruce with 'he' to avoid repetition.
In the ladies(') powder room?"
We (a)re going to go over the particulars
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2013
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Thanks very much for checking this one out for me, Sonali, I really appreciate it.
I took care of those errors you pointed out, too. Double thanks for that!
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Hey, Dean, I just got a message that my certificate has expired - after 2.5 days - it should be on till Monday night. I notice that your piece has gone from the front page too. Just sent off a message to Tom.
Did you get an expired message as well?
s
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Yep, I sure did. My story dropped off of the front page as well.
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I think you should message Tom. I used a week's worth of reviewing dollars and it's really frustrating. They should put it back on or compensate in dollars, I think.
The recent glitches have been troublesome, haven't they? Teaches one to exercise the fruit of the spirit! Being that it's Sunday, I'm not at church because I'm not feeling too well... I'm heading off now for some quiet time... :)
Have a blessed Sabbath, my friend. :)
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Same here, I have a touch of step throat. I caught it from my daughter, who had contracted it at school. My whole family is staying over at my father-in-law's because the stuff is so contagious. I was really surprised to see that the certificate had expired so quickly. I was due to go until tomorrow at 5:57 pm!
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Me too - shocked. Message Tom, Dean, please. Lots of reviewer dollars to get up there - it's not fair.
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I will.
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Good!
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Dean, he's put my piece back up. I mentioned yours, too. Good luck!
Comment from Twilightspire
Holy bejeezus! I can't believe I didn't see this story sooner. This is classic. I love the setting, the pace, the diaglogue...hell, try to pick something I didn't like about the story...except the parrot, they creep me out. I love the idiom you gave Grace, almost twenties-ish. Thankfully, I'm nowhere near the top of FS or I might be crazy paranoid now. Lol. Good job, my friend. This is a well written classic with an excellent twist.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2013
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Holy bejeezus! I can't believe I didn't see this story sooner. This is classic. I love the setting, the pace, the diaglogue...hell, try to pick something I didn't like about the story...except the parrot, they creep me out. I love the idiom you gave Grace, almost twenties-ish. Thankfully, I'm nowhere near the top of FS or I might be crazy paranoid now. Lol. Good job, my friend. This is a well written classic with an excellent twist.
-T.J.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2013
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Hah, thanks so much, T.J., I'm really glad you liked this wild & whacky story!
You have a great Sunday, my friend...
Comment from lancellot
Very interesting murder tale. I'm sure it will resonate with the writers on our little version of the Block. There are many ways to the top. I think Grace will be upset when she gets the prize for being number one. A very fun read. Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2013
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Very interesting murder tale. I'm sure it will resonate with the writers on our little version of the Block. There are many ways to the top. I think Grace will be upset when she gets the prize for being number one. A very fun read. Well done.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2013
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Thanks, lancellot, and I'd lay a wager on it that you'd be right about Grace's happiness. Sometime we should be very careful what we wish for.
Have a great week, my friend!
Comment from poet.wayne
Awesome story! You kept me glued to my seat with this! I kinda had an idea it would play out like it did, but most of the details behind how it did, I couldn't have guessed. Great write! And, as always, interesting information in the liner notes also!
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2013
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Awesome story! You kept me glued to my seat with this! I kinda had an idea it would play out like it did, but most of the details behind how it did, I couldn't have guessed. Great write! And, as always, interesting information in the liner notes also!
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2013
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Thanks a bunch, PW. I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this one.
In the first draft, I had Bruce and Grace knocking each other off in the Diner at the same time. Grace's profession in it was as an oceanographer, so she extracts some poison from a puffer fish to do Bruce in. She was also Asian, too. But, I couldn't get the length down on that version enough to where it made sense, so this modified draft o the original story is what I posted here on FS.
Thanks so much again, my friend! I do appreciate it...
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I got a good one coming in a few minutes, responding to a prompt from another site, to "write a murder from the perspective of the murder weapon"... and knowing me, it willl be..different, and there will be a strong moral angle to it...
Comment from Donya Quijote
This was a most entertaining story of murder and revenge as served up from a writer's website. Love the twisted ending. Just glad I rank in the bottom. Got no worries. Good write...
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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This was a most entertaining story of murder and revenge as served up from a writer's website. Love the twisted ending. Just glad I rank in the bottom. Got no worries. Good write...
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Hah, well, give it time, Donya. You'll be up there before you know it.
Thanks for the great review. I am very grateful.
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Hi Dean,
Please do not invite me for dinner:) This is a skilled write, I must repeat I'm sure, but reading your work does give such a smooth read I am often wanting more at the end.
That is important because I am really a sap at the horror stuff. Can't take it truthfully, it scares the hell out of me - but what pulled me in was the imagery around the arsenic.
My son told me of this murder tool of the old ways to knock someone off. So this got my curiosity going.
Many undertones in this work or my brain is fried:)
What is reality and why do so many think reality is what they perceive around them? Or what they perceive a person to be, and who gives them that right to attack anyone voiced or penned? Its a dog eat dog world - and how sad that fact is.
I'll just keep plodding my way through life as a simple woman whose values are my inner truths. Keep doing your thing - its a refreshing change - though I may bail if too gory, cause I'll be hiding behind my cushion.
Thanks for sharing - I hope I understood your layers.
Maureen
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Hi Dean,
Please do not invite me for dinner:) This is a skilled write, I must repeat I'm sure, but reading your work does give such a smooth read I am often wanting more at the end.
That is important because I am really a sap at the horror stuff. Can't take it truthfully, it scares the hell out of me - but what pulled me in was the imagery around the arsenic.
My son told me of this murder tool of the old ways to knock someone off. So this got my curiosity going.
Many undertones in this work or my brain is fried:)
What is reality and why do so many think reality is what they perceive around them? Or what they perceive a person to be, and who gives them that right to attack anyone voiced or penned? Its a dog eat dog world - and how sad that fact is.
I'll just keep plodding my way through life as a simple woman whose values are my inner truths. Keep doing your thing - its a refreshing change - though I may bail if too gory, cause I'll be hiding behind my cushion.
Thanks for sharing - I hope I understood your layers.
Maureen
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Hah, I'm really a pretty simple guy, Maureen. Loving husband, doting father. There's just something about the horror genre that has always fascinated me. I think Stephen King said it best when he said that horror writers make up monsters to cope with the ones that exist in real life. Those are much scarier. To meet me, you'd never suspect I write horror stories.
That being said, I appreciate you read and review. I'll never get obscenely bloody or too gory. I believe the most frightening things in a story are often the ones the writer does not let us see. Like the opening scene in the movie, JAWS. You knew it was a shark, and you knew it was doing horrible things to that poor girl beneath the surface of the water. You didn't have to actually see it to be horrified...
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Ug did ya have to mention jaws....it was the music that got me..I think I ran out of the theater:) LOL
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I was twelve. My mom couldn't get me to take a bath for a week, no lie!
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LMAO you are too funny!!:)
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Dean Kuch,
OK, now that was a set of tables not just turned, but switched. I'm almost tempted to deduct stars for giving the villain/victim the surname he has ...
One small correction -
We Are going to go - I think there is a Lower Case needed - We are going to go
Patrick
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Hi Dean Kuch,
OK, now that was a set of tables not just turned, but switched. I'm almost tempted to deduct stars for giving the villain/victim the surname he has ...
One small correction -
We Are going to go - I think there is a Lower Case needed - We are going to go
Patrick
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Thanks for catching that for me, Patrick. I'll fix that right away, and I appreciate you reading and reviewing this for me.
Comment from Sylvia Page
This is quite an interesting story that kept me reading at one sitting, considering its length. Your characters came alive throughout the story. I guessed as much that the poisoned cup would have been switched. That was quite obvious. I enjoyed reading it very much.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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This is quite an interesting story that kept me reading at one sitting, considering its length. Your characters came alive throughout the story. I guessed as much that the poisoned cup would have been switched. That was quite obvious. I enjoyed reading it very much.
Sylvia
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Thank you, Sylvia!
In the rough draft, I had Grace and Bruce poisoning each other, but felt that was too much of a stretch. I had Grace (then, a Japanese girl) using toxin extracted from a puffer fish, and Bruce using the arsenic as written. I figured no one would see that coming, but I simply couldn't get it down to a readable word count level. So, I changed it to this version.
Thanks for the read & review. Much appreciated.
Comment from Ekim777
Our author has an engaging style as he holds our attention with all the relevant details. Every detail seems relevant. And he knows how to sketch engaging characters and character is what makes the action in a piece like this. This piece is engaging in the relevance given to irrelevancies. It is a sketch about modern, civilized life and our author proves that he has found his true, writer's voice. The only authentic one is the writer himself. But we must ask if there is anything in our modern live that is authentic. Even the dark side behind our personalities is false and superficial. It even takes the guts out of love making. Whatever happened to true feelings; things that make us human. I couldn't help thinking of T.S. Eliot when he said;" When lovely lady stoops to folly and stalks about her room again alone. She smoothes her hair with automatic hand and puts a record on the gramophone.." I enjoyed this piece but found little with which to empathize. It seems that even the tragedy of our existence is dead. -Ekim777
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Our author has an engaging style as he holds our attention with all the relevant details. Every detail seems relevant. And he knows how to sketch engaging characters and character is what makes the action in a piece like this. This piece is engaging in the relevance given to irrelevancies. It is a sketch about modern, civilized life and our author proves that he has found his true, writer's voice. The only authentic one is the writer himself. But we must ask if there is anything in our modern live that is authentic. Even the dark side behind our personalities is false and superficial. It even takes the guts out of love making. Whatever happened to true feelings; things that make us human. I couldn't help thinking of T.S. Eliot when he said;" When lovely lady stoops to folly and stalks about her room again alone. She smoothes her hair with automatic hand and puts a record on the gramophone.." I enjoyed this piece but found little with which to empathize. It seems that even the tragedy of our existence is dead. -Ekim777
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Thanks, Ekim777, and I do get where you're coming from.
I wrote this because there are those, not necessarily on this particular writing social site, but on a couple of others for sure, who take their make-believe stardom, in their little make-believe world on that website, far too seriously. I know, I've been the recipient of some very lewd and demeaning hate mail, saying everything from I must be blo_ing the webmaster (You fill in the blank), to cheating because I am more technologically advanced than they are.
FanStory is a make believe world, with a bunch of great people with make believe names. We don't get paid to do this, it won't pay the bills. So, I wrote this, to illustrate just how ridiculously foolish some people are by placing way too much stock in such things. A little tongue-in-cheek, dark humor...if you will. Purely to entertain, nothing more, and nothing less.
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Horror stories intrigue me. I have unsuccessfully tried to write some. My favorite writer/playwright used to be Tennessee Williams, if that tells you anything. Then I advanced onto Eugene o' Neil. -Ekim
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Horror stories intrigue me. I have unsuccessfully tried to write some. My favorite writer/playwright used to be Tennessee Williams, if that tells you anything. Then I advanced onto Eugene o' Neil. -Ekim
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Everyone tells me that my writing is very Stephen King-like. It should be, I've read everything the guy has written more than once. I'm also a big fan of Joe R. Landsdale...
Comment from Jade Lawson
I enjoyed reading this piece quite a lot, the imagery was great, loved the descriptions and the inner thoughts. Excellent job describing the beauty of Grace, how astute she was and his thoughts about her. then he thought that he was finally getting luck when he realizes what he just did. It would ruin everything. But indeed she was very clever. Great work.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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I enjoyed reading this piece quite a lot, the imagery was great, loved the descriptions and the inner thoughts. Excellent job describing the beauty of Grace, how astute she was and his thoughts about her. then he thought that he was finally getting luck when he realizes what he just did. It would ruin everything. But indeed she was very clever. Great work.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Thank you Angel, I was hoping you would weigh in on this one for me. I'm glad that you liked it.
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No worries. If there's something I miss, just sent me a message.
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You got it!
Thanks...