My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Meehal "All of my poems of release.
15 total reviews
Comment from lorijean
A great verse about a friend who indeed sounds like a great writer himself, he must have had a great influence on you too. Well done....
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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A great verse about a friend who indeed sounds like a great writer himself, he must have had a great influence on you too. Well done....
Comment Written 18-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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He has indeed lorijean. Thank you so much for your review. :) Jaq xx
Comment from adewpearl
excellent use of abcb rhyming
great alliteration and clever closing rhyme in your final stanza
A wonderful tribute to the talents of Michael - I'm sure he is touched Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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excellent use of abcb rhyming
great alliteration and clever closing rhyme in your final stanza
A wonderful tribute to the talents of Michael - I'm sure he is touched Brooke :-)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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I believe I have rendered him speechless, not an easy task ;-) LOL. Thanks Brooke xxx
Comment from Indie Skreet
lol Jaq I am sixing you for this sixy little write, cos I agree with what you say, about your shining knight, he is a true wordsmith but is he a true gent? He better be my sweetheart, and make sure before consent, you take those little pills you know those one's from the nice doctor, just in case on his mind is not a visit to the opera, he better treat you right my dear, or if not i make clear, I know where he lives for sure so he better live in fear, and though it is not near, I can always catch a plane, though my Geography's not good, even I know Spain, and it does sell a knife or two, cos believe me when I say to you, for you I will avenge, you can depend on this my friend because revenge is what does count ..... well i think so, in the end! lol xxx ps free verse cos I totally lost it in the end! lmao xxx
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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lol Jaq I am sixing you for this sixy little write, cos I agree with what you say, about your shining knight, he is a true wordsmith but is he a true gent? He better be my sweetheart, and make sure before consent, you take those little pills you know those one's from the nice doctor, just in case on his mind is not a visit to the opera, he better treat you right my dear, or if not i make clear, I know where he lives for sure so he better live in fear, and though it is not near, I can always catch a plane, though my Geography's not good, even I know Spain, and it does sell a knife or two, cos believe me when I say to you, for you I will avenge, you can depend on this my friend because revenge is what does count ..... well i think so, in the end! lol xxx ps free verse cos I totally lost it in the end! lmao xxx
Comment Written 18-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Lmao thank you so much my dear friend. Love ya xxxxx
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lol - do I get a six for my reply despite the fact I lost my mind towards the end? cos I think just for the advice on a doctor's visit, I deserve it! hahaha xx
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hahahaha Indie you do indeed my friend xxxx
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Great--so glad you used almost all the suggestions. The only one not used that I will recommend again is in the first stanza:
Original:
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare.
His storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
Suggestion:
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare,
his storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
First review (THREE stars)
Wonderful. I love it! Michael is one of the most gifted poets here. This enthusiastic tribute poem has a good rhythmic flow (overall) and very fine rhyming. Sounds good read aloud, for the most part, but there are quite a few lines that need work for flow and cadence, and also for spag--and thus the three star rating...but a huge applause for a wonderful tribute with hope you'll make a few edits...
Notes and suggestions:
*
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare.
His storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
Seems to me it would flow most fluidly and with grammatical precision if you make the first stanza all one sentence. Example:
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare,
his storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
** nice stanza--so true:
Quiet, deep intelligence
flows straight from tip of pen,
he's even known for humour writes
every now and then.
However, the last line drops a beat from the meter of the other three lines. Suggest adding in one word to make it flow smoothly, or alter THEN to AGAIN (still rhymes but has two beats). Also suggest using a dash or semicolon instead of a comma after PEN.
Quiet, deep intelligence
flows straight from tip of pen--
he's even known for humour writes
every now and again.
*
Wordsmith is the perfect name
which I don't use lightly,
he's earned it with each clever piece
which he produces nightly
Indeed, it is the perfect name...and I like this stanza but it reads awkwardly read aloud due to mixed meter. Also have some spag suggestions along with a revision of line two for the sake of flow and grammar (so that IT sounds natural and not forced). Also, WHICH should be THAT to be most precise. With suggestions:
'Wordsmith' is the perfect name,
and I don't use it lightly;
he's earned it with each clever piece
that he produces nightly.
* also very true...
He flits from the historical
to poems that melt the heart,
he is a lover and a 'flurt'
he's shown that from the start.
Spaggy, though. Suggestions:
He flits from the historical
to poems that melt the heart;
he is a lover and a 'flurt'--
he's shown that from the start.
*
(")Who is this Wunderkind?(")
I hear you ask of me.
It's my Irish friend(,) Meehal(,)
who write(s) so eloquently.
With suggestions:
"Who is this Wunderkind?"
I hear you ask of me.
It's my Irish friend, Meehal,
who writes so eloquently.
*
Reach out for those stars(,) chara(,)
the sky for you's no limit,(;)
your work will shine for evermore(--)
don't let the doubters dim it.
LOVE the inventive rhyme pair or limit and dim it....excellent! Not sure what CHARA means but it seems to me an endearment, and needs to be separated by commas (unless I misunderstood the word's usage). The punctuation choices are grammatically inaccurate, and thus I made suggestions above. Of course, poetic license permits imperfection in punctuation or bending the rules for artistic effect. However, I honestly did not feel the choices served the poem well...thus all those suggestions.
I hope you're not discouraged by the rating, as it is an honest assessment based on the number of technical flaws (meter and spag)--even though I totally LOVe the poem and the content and find it charming and well penned overall.
Would love to see some revisions and upgrade with a second review...so do let me know, please.
Big hugs,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Second review
Great--so glad you used almost all the suggestions. The only one not used that I will recommend again is in the first stanza:
Original:
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare.
His storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
Suggestion:
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare,
his storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
First review (THREE stars)
Wonderful. I love it! Michael is one of the most gifted poets here. This enthusiastic tribute poem has a good rhythmic flow (overall) and very fine rhyming. Sounds good read aloud, for the most part, but there are quite a few lines that need work for flow and cadence, and also for spag--and thus the three star rating...but a huge applause for a wonderful tribute with hope you'll make a few edits...
Notes and suggestions:
*
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare.
His storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
Seems to me it would flow most fluidly and with grammatical precision if you make the first stanza all one sentence. Example:
A bon-vivant, a raconteur
with words beyond compare,
his storytelling genius
just has that special flare.
** nice stanza--so true:
Quiet, deep intelligence
flows straight from tip of pen,
he's even known for humour writes
every now and then.
However, the last line drops a beat from the meter of the other three lines. Suggest adding in one word to make it flow smoothly, or alter THEN to AGAIN (still rhymes but has two beats). Also suggest using a dash or semicolon instead of a comma after PEN.
Quiet, deep intelligence
flows straight from tip of pen--
he's even known for humour writes
every now and again.
*
Wordsmith is the perfect name
which I don't use lightly,
he's earned it with each clever piece
which he produces nightly
Indeed, it is the perfect name...and I like this stanza but it reads awkwardly read aloud due to mixed meter. Also have some spag suggestions along with a revision of line two for the sake of flow and grammar (so that IT sounds natural and not forced). Also, WHICH should be THAT to be most precise. With suggestions:
'Wordsmith' is the perfect name,
and I don't use it lightly;
he's earned it with each clever piece
that he produces nightly.
* also very true...
He flits from the historical
to poems that melt the heart,
he is a lover and a 'flurt'
he's shown that from the start.
Spaggy, though. Suggestions:
He flits from the historical
to poems that melt the heart;
he is a lover and a 'flurt'--
he's shown that from the start.
*
(")Who is this Wunderkind?(")
I hear you ask of me.
It's my Irish friend(,) Meehal(,)
who write(s) so eloquently.
With suggestions:
"Who is this Wunderkind?"
I hear you ask of me.
It's my Irish friend, Meehal,
who writes so eloquently.
*
Reach out for those stars(,) chara(,)
the sky for you's no limit,(;)
your work will shine for evermore(--)
don't let the doubters dim it.
LOVE the inventive rhyme pair or limit and dim it....excellent! Not sure what CHARA means but it seems to me an endearment, and needs to be separated by commas (unless I misunderstood the word's usage). The punctuation choices are grammatically inaccurate, and thus I made suggestions above. Of course, poetic license permits imperfection in punctuation or bending the rules for artistic effect. However, I honestly did not feel the choices served the poem well...thus all those suggestions.
I hope you're not discouraged by the rating, as it is an honest assessment based on the number of technical flaws (meter and spag)--even though I totally LOVe the poem and the content and find it charming and well penned overall.
Would love to see some revisions and upgrade with a second review...so do let me know, please.
Big hugs,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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rd how could I ever be discouraged with your in-depth feedback? I have made the changes and it does indeed flow better. Much love, Jaq xx
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Aw, thanks Jaq--That's good to know, dear. On my way for a second review. Love and Hugs, rd
Comment from Rondeno
If only I had a six! What a glowing and loving tribute to your friend. he's a very lucky man to have someone who appreciates him and cares so much about him!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
|
If only I had a six! What a glowing and loving tribute to your friend. he's a very lucky man to have someone who appreciates him and cares so much about him!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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lmao he is indeed a lucky man :) Jaq x
