Walk With Me.
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Not So Smart Now, Are You?"From victim to survivor of abuse.
21 total reviews
Comment from Emmarentia
This is such an emotional piece of writing. It is very well written. It struck a nerve with me and touched my very soul. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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This is such an emotional piece of writing. It is very well written. It struck a nerve with me and touched my very soul. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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Thank you for your review and comments.
I appreciate your time.
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good introduction that draws my attention from the start. Good intense dialogue. Good transitioning between the events. Steady, intense and consistent pace as this story makes you root for Mandy. Good I mean very good and fitting ending.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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Good introduction that draws my attention from the start. Good intense dialogue. Good transitioning between the events. Steady, intense and consistent pace as this story makes you root for Mandy. Good I mean very good and fitting ending.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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Thank you for a generous review and supportive comments.
I appreciate your time.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
He was a real loser. No one should have to put up with such a person. He will surely make it to hell and if he's waiting for you he will have a long wait. LOL Good story
Shirley. Best wishes. Nancy
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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He was a real loser. No one should have to put up with such a person. He will surely make it to hell and if he's waiting for you he will have a long wait. LOL Good story
Shirley. Best wishes. Nancy
Comment Written 20-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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Thank you for taking the time and extra effort to read just part of my story.
I appreciate it and your generous review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, seken, you did an excellent job writing this story about the one who endured abuse for years and still was there to help her mother deal with him in the end. how sad to read.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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this is very well written, seken, you did an excellent job writing this story about the one who endured abuse for years and still was there to help her mother deal with him in the end. how sad to read.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much for your amazing review. For a newcomer that is an amazing result. Thanks for appreciating the often untold story of long term child abuse.
Comment from Kiki12
Wish that I had a six to give you. This is a captivating and spellbinding write. So much raw emotion, and your portrayal of the players is tremendous. I feel like there is so much to say, but this story really speaks more than I could give praise for in this little box.
This one line stood out to me, it's really an exceptional insight into the essence of the behavior of this vile man:
She was paying the price for the pain of his past.
Love the ending, actually, love the whole thing...
Kiki
*had there first--*their
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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Wish that I had a six to give you. This is a captivating and spellbinding write. So much raw emotion, and your portrayal of the players is tremendous. I feel like there is so much to say, but this story really speaks more than I could give praise for in this little box.
This one line stood out to me, it's really an exceptional insight into the essence of the behavior of this vile man:
She was paying the price for the pain of his past.
Love the ending, actually, love the whole thing...
Kiki
*had there first--*their
Comment Written 12-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much your appreciation and support is much appreciated.As a new writer a six star would have been a milestone but your acknowledgement of my ability is worth much more.
Sincerely. Thank You
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I've no doubt you'll be seeing many gold stars :)
I'll stop by again when I get more-
Kiki
Comment from Sam Mendonca
When I started reading your story the thought of so many children in today's world going through the same type of things that Mandy was having to live with.
A big surprise ending. The story showed great emotions from the author's writing.
A very good job with a dramatic story line.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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When I started reading your story the thought of so many children in today's world going through the same type of things that Mandy was having to live with.
A big surprise ending. The story showed great emotions from the author's writing.
A very good job with a dramatic story line.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much for your kind review. It is a subject close to my heart.
Comment from jmdg1954
This is an excellent story about a horrific topic. When I got to the ending "Not so smart now, are you?" I thought that Mandy may have had a part in his quiet demise.
Very well written,
John
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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This is an excellent story about a horrific topic. When I got to the ending "Not so smart now, are you?" I thought that Mandy may have had a part in his quiet demise.
Very well written,
John
Comment Written 09-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Thanks. Your comments are appreciated.
Comment from Laurie Clayton
Hello there,
This has the makings of a good short story, or part of something larger. However, I think it could do with some close editing to tighten it up.
There are several closing and opening quotation marks missing,some spacing issues and continuity issues to sort out, throughout the piece.
eg:1.
"You think you're so smart, don't you? he'd taunt. Well, guess what you're not, and no fancy
high school degree is ever going to change that," he'd rant pausing only to draw deeply on a cigarette. Then he'd look at her with pure malice as he blew smoke rings into the air.
You need(")after the question mark and before 'Well'
'he'd taunt.' I think 'he' should be capital 'H'
There is an extra line break between 'fancy' and 'high school'
2. Continuity issue with your choice of quotation marks. You are mixing the Doubles (") and the singles(') at various times throughout your dialogue.
3.You have several areas where you have an extra spaces between words and punctuation marks throughout the story, but I'm sure that you will pick them up during your next editing session.
4. Personally, I found myself getting a little confused with the tenses. It wasn't immediately clear where the flashbacks start and where we return to the present. Perhaps there's another way that you could differentiate between the two.
I hope this helps, but as always, these are just my thoughts and suggestions, which you may choose to ignore if you wish.
Best wishes,
Laurie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Hello there,
This has the makings of a good short story, or part of something larger. However, I think it could do with some close editing to tighten it up.
There are several closing and opening quotation marks missing,some spacing issues and continuity issues to sort out, throughout the piece.
eg:1.
"You think you're so smart, don't you? he'd taunt. Well, guess what you're not, and no fancy
high school degree is ever going to change that," he'd rant pausing only to draw deeply on a cigarette. Then he'd look at her with pure malice as he blew smoke rings into the air.
You need(")after the question mark and before 'Well'
'he'd taunt.' I think 'he' should be capital 'H'
There is an extra line break between 'fancy' and 'high school'
2. Continuity issue with your choice of quotation marks. You are mixing the Doubles (") and the singles(') at various times throughout your dialogue.
3.You have several areas where you have an extra spaces between words and punctuation marks throughout the story, but I'm sure that you will pick them up during your next editing session.
4. Personally, I found myself getting a little confused with the tenses. It wasn't immediately clear where the flashbacks start and where we return to the present. Perhaps there's another way that you could differentiate between the two.
I hope this helps, but as always, these are just my thoughts and suggestions, which you may choose to ignore if you wish.
Best wishes,
Laurie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Thanks. This only my second story submission so I know I have a lot to learn. I have been writing and editing on the site because I haven't got the copy/paste scenario worked out yet. Hopefully editing in Word will help with that.
It is great to receive an honest but nicely worded review.
Comment from barkingdog
Jimmy grew old and Mandy was still living at home? I wondered why she hadn't found a job and left home as soon as possible.
And what does "Not so smart now, are you?" mean? It seems he got his way until he died of natural causes. If she'd poisoned him when she was still fourteen, I would have understood the end phrase.
It's written well, but has these continuity problems.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Jimmy grew old and Mandy was still living at home? I wondered why she hadn't found a job and left home as soon as possible.
And what does "Not so smart now, are you?" mean? It seems he got his way until he died of natural causes. If she'd poisoned him when she was still fourteen, I would have understood the end phrase.
It's written well, but has these continuity problems.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Thanks. I should have provided a story background . I have amended this in the author's notes if you are interested.
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That's clearer, now. Maybe, in time you could work that information into your story. It wouldn't take many sentences to do it.
I'm glad that my opinion was helpful. It wasn't a reflection on your skill as a writer. Only opinion.
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I have reviewed the role of a reviewer and you are correct I have reviewed your work inadequately. I am happy to increse your star rating.
I am only new and still learning but I will never write a deliberately unfair review based on feedback I have received for my work. I am keen to learn so honest, fair and supportive reviews are want I want to give and receive.
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Thank you. I didn't mean to jump to conclusions, but the revenge reviewers are out there. I see, now, that you are new, and its my fault for not checking that first. I apologize.
I hope this doesn't tarnish your experience here, and that you do receive 'honest, fair and supportive' reviews.
Welcome to FanStory.
:) ellen
Comment from goldenpoetry
I admire your courage if this poem is about you. I can relate to this poem very well. My stepfather was verbally snd emotionally abusive towards me. And later it became more than that. I appreciate your story poem. Brought back memories but I have moved on.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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I admire your courage if this poem is about you. I can relate to this poem very well. My stepfather was verbally snd emotionally abusive towards me. And later it became more than that. I appreciate your story poem. Brought back memories but I have moved on.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Thank you for your comments and for sharing your own journey.
