Shana's Valentine
A Love Story48 total reviews
Comment from JW
Wow. What a dramatic, emotion-filled story. YOur writing style definitely keeps a reader literally glued to the egde of their seat until the very end when they realize they have been holding their breath, as they were lead through the adventure.
Good job.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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Wow. What a dramatic, emotion-filled story. YOur writing style definitely keeps a reader literally glued to the egde of their seat until the very end when they realize they have been holding their breath, as they were lead through the adventure.
Good job.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Jonathon, for your kind comments and generous rating. I'm pleased you enjoyed. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from M. Karol
A sustained love. Liked the way the story moved, fast and at a steady pace. All elements were there, rejection, sadness, love and finally ecstacy. A glimmer of hope is all one wants when in love.
Madhvi
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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A sustained love. Liked the way the story moved, fast and at a steady pace. All elements were there, rejection, sadness, love and finally ecstacy. A glimmer of hope is all one wants when in love.
Madhvi
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Madhvi, for your kind comments and generous rating. I'm pleased you enjoyed. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is a beautiful piece of love story that is very touching. I sincerely hope that John recovers and marries this lady. Very well written. kudos
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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This is a beautiful piece of love story that is very touching. I sincerely hope that John recovers and marries this lady. Very well written. kudos
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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Thank you so much. I'm pleased you enjoyed the read. I hope he does too!! Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Aussie
This is a great story, plenty of emotion and meat on its bones. I enjoyed reading it and thank heavens the outcome was a good one. In the blink of an eye a situation can turn from waiting for a loved one, to a life threatening situation. I know, I have been the victim. I liked your story because you made it real, descriptive and created a good pace, atmosphere and a good outcome. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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This is a great story, plenty of emotion and meat on its bones. I enjoyed reading it and thank heavens the outcome was a good one. In the blink of an eye a situation can turn from waiting for a loved one, to a life threatening situation. I know, I have been the victim. I liked your story because you made it real, descriptive and created a good pace, atmosphere and a good outcome. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you so much, Kay, for your kind words. I wasn't meant to be so looooooonnnngggggg.... but is kind of took on a life of its own - so thank you for taking the time to read and review. Hope you're having a lovely day. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke :o)
Comment from Mustang Patty
A beautiful and moving Valentine's story. It is nice when things turn out - in spite of the accident and all. John will probably recover in due time and the two will be able to marry. We can all hope that this major bump will be the last on their journey of life. Good luck in the contest. ~patty~
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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A beautiful and moving Valentine's story. It is nice when things turn out - in spite of the accident and all. John will probably recover in due time and the two will be able to marry. We can all hope that this major bump will be the last on their journey of life. Good luck in the contest. ~patty~
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Patty, for that lovely review and your generous rating - oh, and for taking the time to read (it was rather long!). Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Veekz
Beautiful love story. I like how you have a range of different emotions playing through-out the story, from her being angry and frustrated to upset and worried then elatin and joy :) Great dislogue between the characters, especially the nurse and Shana.
Thanks for the fab little read :)
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Beautiful love story. I like how you have a range of different emotions playing through-out the story, from her being angry and frustrated to upset and worried then elatin and joy :) Great dislogue between the characters, especially the nurse and Shana.
Thanks for the fab little read :)
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you for reading (it was rather long!). I appreciate your comments and your generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi fiona,
this is a touching Valentine story for the contest. I love stories about true love which this one was. You developed your characters well and built the tension as I read the lines...I promise I didn't peek at the ending! Well done and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Hi fiona,
this is a touching Valentine story for the contest. I love stories about true love which this one was. You developed your characters well and built the tension as I read the lines...I promise I didn't peek at the ending! Well done and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you for reading (it was rather long!). I appreciate your comments and your generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from DrCarter2001
Hi there, it's been a while since I've read one of your stories. This is a very pretty Valentine's Day story, with an interesting little twist that she is a celebrity (although aside from a few details and the point about the cop recognizing her, I didn't feel like it made much difference whether she was a celebrity or not; the story could just as easily have been told the same way without her being famous). I liked the beginning and the realization that John had been in an accident and hadn't stood her up. From the point where she sees him in the ER, though, it starts feeling somewhat predictable. Still, romance stories are allowed to be predictable these days (a la Dear John, Charlie St. Cloud, etc etc).
I found a few nits, mostly having to do with misplaced or missing commas, and dialogue tags:
get hold of me tonight! She thought. -- this internal dialogue tag is unnecessary, since we already know it's her thoughts.
"The heavy rain hit the window-pane(,)"
"Picking up the fluted champagne glass(,)"
"She was about to put the glass down(,) when anger" -- this comma is not needed
he said, unsure of himself in the company -- you tend to place these dialogue tags at the end of the dialogue, which feels awkward after 3-4 lines of dialogue. If the reader doesn't know who is speaking, he has to read a lot before finding out. Also, in this case, it leads to a change in POV from Shana to the cop. Instead, try: "He seemed uncomfortable in the company..."
sexy sheer shirt / sexy satin sheets -- I like the alliteration, but the use of "sexy" like this twice in close succession feels awkward
he said, rather shyly. -- same as the earlier comment
she said; a kind smile on her face -- the same, plus the semicolon should be a comma
She lost track of time -- this doesn't seem to properly account for the amount of time that has to pass for John to be in extensive surgery (plus prep) to stop the bleeding. She would have to be there at least an hour, and the little bit of praying she did doesn't seem long enough. You might consider having her fall asleep in the chapel and someone waking her up.
Overall, a good entry for the contest. I wish you luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Hi there, it's been a while since I've read one of your stories. This is a very pretty Valentine's Day story, with an interesting little twist that she is a celebrity (although aside from a few details and the point about the cop recognizing her, I didn't feel like it made much difference whether she was a celebrity or not; the story could just as easily have been told the same way without her being famous). I liked the beginning and the realization that John had been in an accident and hadn't stood her up. From the point where she sees him in the ER, though, it starts feeling somewhat predictable. Still, romance stories are allowed to be predictable these days (a la Dear John, Charlie St. Cloud, etc etc).
I found a few nits, mostly having to do with misplaced or missing commas, and dialogue tags:
get hold of me tonight! She thought. -- this internal dialogue tag is unnecessary, since we already know it's her thoughts.
"The heavy rain hit the window-pane(,)"
"Picking up the fluted champagne glass(,)"
"She was about to put the glass down(,) when anger" -- this comma is not needed
he said, unsure of himself in the company -- you tend to place these dialogue tags at the end of the dialogue, which feels awkward after 3-4 lines of dialogue. If the reader doesn't know who is speaking, he has to read a lot before finding out. Also, in this case, it leads to a change in POV from Shana to the cop. Instead, try: "He seemed uncomfortable in the company..."
sexy sheer shirt / sexy satin sheets -- I like the alliteration, but the use of "sexy" like this twice in close succession feels awkward
he said, rather shyly. -- same as the earlier comment
she said; a kind smile on her face -- the same, plus the semicolon should be a comma
She lost track of time -- this doesn't seem to properly account for the amount of time that has to pass for John to be in extensive surgery (plus prep) to stop the bleeding. She would have to be there at least an hour, and the little bit of praying she did doesn't seem long enough. You might consider having her fall asleep in the chapel and someone waking her up.
Overall, a good entry for the contest. I wish you luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you, my friend, I appreciate your comments and your constructive advice. Not sure I agree with all of them, but I will go through and see which one I will use to improve the overall story. Thanks for good luck wishes. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Ms. Gray
I like the internal dialog at the beginning of your story. Your likable character drew me into the action right away. I am glad the story has a happy ending after so much drama. Thanks for sharing this Valentine story and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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I like the internal dialog at the beginning of your story. Your likable character drew me into the action right away. I am glad the story has a happy ending after so much drama. Thanks for sharing this Valentine story and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Patti, thank you for your lovely review and a generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Aski
There is good suspense. It keeps one reading to the very end. Shana has a curious life. She is obviously successful, but she seems to have a hard time keeping men. She seems to be attractive. One wonders what turns men off as she also wonders. Waiting for over two hours for her date suggests she has a great deal of patience. There was understandable frustration over suspecting to be stood up too. Her confessions about not being religious until there was a desperate need was certain a common feature for many people. I enjoyed this story. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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There is good suspense. It keeps one reading to the very end. Shana has a curious life. She is obviously successful, but she seems to have a hard time keeping men. She seems to be attractive. One wonders what turns men off as she also wonders. Waiting for over two hours for her date suggests she has a great deal of patience. There was understandable frustration over suspecting to be stood up too. Her confessions about not being religious until there was a desperate need was certain a common feature for many people. I enjoyed this story. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Aski, for that nice overview and your generous review and rating. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
