Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Chapter 11; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
55 total reviews
Comment from Sharkey
Well written, I just think maybe the characters are a little too cliche, the girl is this innocent girl, afraid to be hurt by this man, who of course is only madly in love with her. Both desire the other but are unsure if it is right. I guess what I am saying is, you could read this almost anywhere.
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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Well written, I just think maybe the characters are a little too cliche, the girl is this innocent girl, afraid to be hurt by this man, who of course is only madly in love with her. Both desire the other but are unsure if it is right. I guess what I am saying is, you could read this almost anywhere.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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It is obvious this is the first chapter of my manuscript that you have read because if you had read what has lead up to this post you would not have made the comments that you did. Thank you for your review.
Comment from dmjones
Hi Barbara, you handled this chapter very well. The flow's great and the dialogue natural as usually. I just have one comment: In this sentence "Leya nibbled and massaged Steven's chest, as soft whispers of satisfaction escaped her lips." I'm wondering how she can nibble his chest when the sentence before and after refer to Steven's face as close to her breasts. She couldn't reach his chest to nibble.
I hope I'm making sense here. If not let me know.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara, you handled this chapter very well. The flow's great and the dialogue natural as usually. I just have one comment: In this sentence "Leya nibbled and massaged Steven's chest, as soft whispers of satisfaction escaped her lips." I'm wondering how she can nibble his chest when the sentence before and after refer to Steven's face as close to her breasts. She couldn't reach his chest to nibble.
I hope I'm making sense here. If not let me know.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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I will review that area and see what I can do. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Fleedleflump
With that picture, I figured I was in for a steamy ride, and I was not disappointed :-). Your sex scene felt both believable and intimate, as these things should. If you don't mind, I do have a couple of very minor comments:
"Lowering the neck of Leya's T-shirt, he kissed southward down her cleavage." - I know what you mean, but I think the word 'southward' is distracting here, and could be removed completely.
"When she could no longer control her hunger, he entered her pushing through the membrane." - I think this needs a comma before 'pushing'. It also jolted me a little because it seems to be written from her point of view, when the rest of the scene is from his.
Like I saym very minor quibbles in a fine piece of writing.
Mike
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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With that picture, I figured I was in for a steamy ride, and I was not disappointed :-). Your sex scene felt both believable and intimate, as these things should. If you don't mind, I do have a couple of very minor comments:
"Lowering the neck of Leya's T-shirt, he kissed southward down her cleavage." - I know what you mean, but I think the word 'southward' is distracting here, and could be removed completely.
"When she could no longer control her hunger, he entered her pushing through the membrane." - I think this needs a comma before 'pushing'. It also jolted me a little because it seems to be written from her point of view, when the rest of the scene is from his.
Like I saym very minor quibbles in a fine piece of writing.
Mike
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you and I will take a second look at those areas. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Connie P
Very interesting and well written. I am with Steven, there was no way I would believe she was a virgin, but then the membrane. The extreme cliff-hanger was genius, I can't wait to see where this goes.
Connie
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Very interesting and well written. I am with Steven, there was no way I would believe she was a virgin, but then the membrane. The extreme cliff-hanger was genius, I can't wait to see where this goes.
Connie
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Whoa hot chapter, rather unexpected my friend lol. I have some suggestions. See if you like them:
"You're not going to give up[,] are you?"
He squeezed her hand. "I'm not planning on going anywhere[. Are] you?" - or else it will the same construction as the above sentence.
***** I don't think you need the break here, as we still continue in the same scene and remain in steven's POV.
Why forbidden kiss? They're legally married, right? - long-awaited maybe?
She [opened] her lips beckoning for more. - suggest 'parted'
The back of Leya's legs touched the edge of the mattress, as she whispered, "Your love will heal me." - when did they move back into the room? I thought they were at the door? Need to describe some movement here.
Leya slightly arched her back and started to remove the T-shirt. - and now she's lying on the bed?
He studied the beauty before him. [Well worth the wait]. - the thought sounds so unromantic, especially since you pictured steven as such a caring man. How about:
He devoured the sight before him. God ... she's more beautiful than I ever imagined.
he [strode] even faster. - 'strode' is more suitable for walking. Try 'stroke'
She placed her head on his chest and [fingered] his muscles and nipples. - try 'moved her hand over'
She leaned up and kissed him, before [she mounted] his shaft. - mounting
so they finally did it. After all the careful words and acts, I thought it's rather sudden, especially when they talked about 'friendship' before that. I'd rather they confessed love first, or least steven should confessed his - at least mentioned feelings that's more than friendship and caring. Well, just my opinion. You still need to write the way you want it.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Whoa hot chapter, rather unexpected my friend lol. I have some suggestions. See if you like them:
"You're not going to give up[,] are you?"
He squeezed her hand. "I'm not planning on going anywhere[. Are] you?" - or else it will the same construction as the above sentence.
***** I don't think you need the break here, as we still continue in the same scene and remain in steven's POV.
Why forbidden kiss? They're legally married, right? - long-awaited maybe?
She [opened] her lips beckoning for more. - suggest 'parted'
The back of Leya's legs touched the edge of the mattress, as she whispered, "Your love will heal me." - when did they move back into the room? I thought they were at the door? Need to describe some movement here.
Leya slightly arched her back and started to remove the T-shirt. - and now she's lying on the bed?
He studied the beauty before him. [Well worth the wait]. - the thought sounds so unromantic, especially since you pictured steven as such a caring man. How about:
He devoured the sight before him. God ... she's more beautiful than I ever imagined.
he [strode] even faster. - 'strode' is more suitable for walking. Try 'stroke'
She placed her head on his chest and [fingered] his muscles and nipples. - try 'moved her hand over'
She leaned up and kissed him, before [she mounted] his shaft. - mounting
so they finally did it. After all the careful words and acts, I thought it's rather sudden, especially when they talked about 'friendship' before that. I'd rather they confessed love first, or least steven should confessed his - at least mentioned feelings that's more than friendship and caring. Well, just my opinion. You still need to write the way you want it.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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As usual thank you for your review and help with this chapter. I have copied your suggestions and will get on them.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
"Very informative[.] I received updates on the drug cartels."
Steven winked at her, but continued the discussion with the team[.] -- This is not a tag.
"There's a $25,000 bounty ---
In dialogue I think this is usually written out in words - a twenty-five thousand dollar bounty
This can't happen[. S]he needs rest.
unbuttoned [delete the buttons of] his shirt,
he strode even faster. ---
Probably stroked since "strode" is a form of walking.
Is this your first sex scene? If so, not a bad job.
Roberta
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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"Very informative[.] I received updates on the drug cartels."
Steven winked at her, but continued the discussion with the team[.] -- This is not a tag.
"There's a $25,000 bounty ---
In dialogue I think this is usually written out in words - a twenty-five thousand dollar bounty
This can't happen[. S]he needs rest.
unbuttoned [delete the buttons of] his shirt,
he strode even faster. ---
Probably stroked since "strode" is a form of walking.
Is this your first sex scene? If so, not a bad job.
Roberta
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate all your suggestions.
Comment from fictionwriter
No need to be nervous. I thought you did an excellent job, not to graphic, but just erotic enough and very sensual. Another great chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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No need to be nervous. I thought you did an excellent job, not to graphic, but just erotic enough and very sensual. Another great chapter.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for the review. That is what I was trying to do, so I am glad I accomplished it.
Comment from laurelp
Well, this was a little more sexual than the other chapters. Fascinating read, very sensual but still had a certain amount of taste. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Well, this was a little more sexual than the other chapters. Fascinating read, very sensual but still had a certain amount of taste. Nicely done.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your review. That's exactly what I wanted. I wanted sensual but not rauchy.
Comment from wierdgrace
Excellent, and so well written with the words, the characters, and the wonderful and chilling words, wow, you always write the best, thank you so much for sharing, your my teacher in many ways.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Excellent, and so well written with the words, the characters, and the wonderful and chilling words, wow, you always write the best, thank you so much for sharing, your my teacher in many ways.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your support.
Comment from bookishfabler
Okay, now ai til my husband comes home. LOL. This was a very good chapter.
There was a long pause(-,) before he said,
his heart pounded(-,) as he caressed her breasts. Finally.
As he lowered the jeans, his tongue outlined the edge of the remaining piece of cloth. Kneeling at the foot of the bed, he licked and suckled each toe.
(how did we get to the toes?
hugs
book
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Okay, now ai til my husband comes home. LOL. This was a very good chapter.
There was a long pause(-,) before he said,
his heart pounded(-,) as he caressed her breasts. Finally.
As he lowered the jeans, his tongue outlined the edge of the remaining piece of cloth. Kneeling at the foot of the bed, he licked and suckled each toe.
(how did we get to the toes?
hugs
book
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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The lowering of the jeans. They come off from the feet. Thank you for your review.
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Oh, okay. I think my mind was elsewhere. LOL.
hugs