Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Chapter 10; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
64 total reviews
Comment from fionageorge
Hi, I really enjoyed this chapter, and found the building of the relationship between Leya and Steven well done, not rushed, but constantly aware of the feelings between them, or rather, more on Steven's side. But there was enough indication that Leya is starting to get close to him.
The chapter moves at a good pace, has good use of dialogue, and made an interesting read.
Warmest regards
Marijke
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2010
  |
Hi, I really enjoyed this chapter, and found the building of the relationship between Leya and Steven well done, not rushed, but constantly aware of the feelings between them, or rather, more on Steven's side. But there was enough indication that Leya is starting to get close to him.
The chapter moves at a good pace, has good use of dialogue, and made an interesting read.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment Written 07-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2010
-
Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is another good chapter. Te romance between steven and leya is developing nicely. Not too sure you need those paragraph breaks as the story is just moving on, but then i'm no expert at that kind of thing, so i'll leave that for someone else to confirm.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2010
|
This is another good chapter. Te romance between steven and leya is developing nicely. Not too sure you need those paragraph breaks as the story is just moving on, but then i'm no expert at that kind of thing, so i'll leave that for someone else to confirm.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2010
-
Thank you. I have been told by FS that if they switch scene's or POV that I need the paragraph breaks. That's why I do it, I am actually not sure myself. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Heidixoxo
This was most definitely not posted to early my friend. I have been trying to keep up on your writing and this one caught my attention. You have done a great job with this chapter and I wish you the best of luck with this. Thank you for sharing......xoxo
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2010
|
This was most definitely not posted to early my friend. I have been trying to keep up on your writing and this one caught my attention. You have done a great job with this chapter and I wish you the best of luck with this. Thank you for sharing......xoxo
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from MABarrett
Very well-written. I'm sad for coming into this late. I'm going have to go back and start from the beginning. The only small pick I have is "How much longer will I be able to hide my feelings?" It's really more of a "Do guys really think that way?" question. Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read.
~M.A.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
|
Very well-written. I'm sad for coming into this late. I'm going have to go back and start from the beginning. The only small pick I have is "How much longer will I be able to hide my feelings?" It's really more of a "Do guys really think that way?" question. Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read.
~M.A.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
-
I don't know. I raised 4 boys, but I am still not sure. None of my male fans have complained. Is that an okay answer? Thank you for my review.
-
Yeah, I've had three. So far I'm at " I like things to blow up" and "I'm hungry" as their major thought processes.
Comment from Dave-Aranda-Richards
You posted my kind of reading preference. No suplerfous words. Great short and to the point dialogue. Can't think of any criticism. Good job!
Dave
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
|
You posted my kind of reading preference. No suplerfous words. Great short and to the point dialogue. Can't think of any criticism. Good job!
Dave
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from El.Marjie
She's falling in love with her husband; always an interesting scenerio. Are there any reasons Steven shouldn't love her? Will Dad be angry? You've raised some questions in my mind, and that's good. There's one place I thought you could change to make better. It's where Leya is buying the swimsuit, and one of the guys tells her to hurry. You had him say, "Hurry, but make sure..... I think "and" would work better in place of but. What do you think?
I'm wondering why the chapter was named Tantalizing Eyes.
If you could come up with a way to add action in this chapter, it would benefit. Best, Marjie
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
|
She's falling in love with her husband; always an interesting scenerio. Are there any reasons Steven shouldn't love her? Will Dad be angry? You've raised some questions in my mind, and that's good. There's one place I thought you could change to make better. It's where Leya is buying the swimsuit, and one of the guys tells her to hurry. You had him say, "Hurry, but make sure..... I think "and" would work better in place of but. What do you think?
I'm wondering why the chapter was named Tantalizing Eyes.
If you could come up with a way to add action in this chapter, it would benefit. Best, Marjie
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
-
I like it better with the and. I will take care of that issue. Thank you for your review. There's plenty of reason's Steven shouldn't love her, they were discussed in previous chapters, but will be revisited very soon.
Comment from L.lora
typo='"I'm fine, really. I('m) just tire easily."
Dang, they need to kiss and get that
part over with, they are going to
drive each other nuts... excellently
penned and presented as always. A most
enjoyable read with wonderful descriptions,
and well blended dialogues. Looking forward
to your next post. Lora
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
|
typo='"I'm fine, really. I('m) just tire easily."
Dang, they need to kiss and get that
part over with, they are going to
drive each other nuts... excellently
penned and presented as always. A most
enjoyable read with wonderful descriptions,
and well blended dialogues. Looking forward
to your next post. Lora
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
-
Thank you for your kind words. The do get that dreaded first kiss over very soon.
Comment from vandawalker
Very provocative and romantic. I like Steven's way of taking things slowly. Leya is portrayed in an innocent fashion and this builds toward a connection. The secrecy and safe house are interesting yet fragile.
This has good dialogue and an interesting theme that continues.
Good work.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
|
Very provocative and romantic. I like Steven's way of taking things slowly. Leya is portrayed in an innocent fashion and this builds toward a connection. The secrecy and safe house are interesting yet fragile.
This has good dialogue and an interesting theme that continues.
Good work.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
-
Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Kaze
Please don't be angry about the rating!I have the best intentions here and lots of input, though feel free to disregard if you don't agree with me. Firstly, I'd like to say that technically you're great--way better than me. I think your dialogue is good. It's realistic and you've got some nice lines. I really like the one about the cayotes, for example.
To me, my biggest issue with the writing is that it is too simplistic. What you're missing is that "pazazz" or that extra "Oomf" that makes writing really excellent.
For example, I noticed you repeat names a lot. The same name will be repeated in one paragraph 3 or 4 times, and considering your paragraphs are really short, it might be a bit too much repetition. Try replacing names or the simple "he" or "she" with somethine that describes the character. For example, who is the oldest male character? Instead of using their name, you can say, "The older of the two men scratched the back of his neck." You can also use physical attributes such as hair or eye colour when doing this.
Also, try to add in more sensory details, thoughts, and feelings of the characters. Let us know how they're feeling through narration. For example: "Steve gulped, casting his eyes downward so they wouldn't betray his true emotions." And then when you talk about him being unsure of how much longer he could hide his feelings, you can add something like: "He could feel the tension bubbling to the surface, strangling his heart and plaguing his mind. Each passing day was becoming an insufferable eternity."
Well maybe that's a bit dramatic... but you get the idea. WHen you add this kind of narration, your characters become far more profound and human. It helps your readers connect with them and understand the inner workings of their minds. A good exercise to help improve with this is writing first person narration, where you are forced to focus on the character's thoughts and not so much on the external world.
Best of luck! I hope this helps =)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
 |
Please don't be angry about the rating!I have the best intentions here and lots of input, though feel free to disregard if you don't agree with me. Firstly, I'd like to say that technically you're great--way better than me. I think your dialogue is good. It's realistic and you've got some nice lines. I really like the one about the cayotes, for example.
To me, my biggest issue with the writing is that it is too simplistic. What you're missing is that "pazazz" or that extra "Oomf" that makes writing really excellent.
For example, I noticed you repeat names a lot. The same name will be repeated in one paragraph 3 or 4 times, and considering your paragraphs are really short, it might be a bit too much repetition. Try replacing names or the simple "he" or "she" with somethine that describes the character. For example, who is the oldest male character? Instead of using their name, you can say, "The older of the two men scratched the back of his neck." You can also use physical attributes such as hair or eye colour when doing this.
Also, try to add in more sensory details, thoughts, and feelings of the characters. Let us know how they're feeling through narration. For example: "Steve gulped, casting his eyes downward so they wouldn't betray his true emotions." And then when you talk about him being unsure of how much longer he could hide his feelings, you can add something like: "He could feel the tension bubbling to the surface, strangling his heart and plaguing his mind. Each passing day was becoming an insufferable eternity."
Well maybe that's a bit dramatic... but you get the idea. WHen you add this kind of narration, your characters become far more profound and human. It helps your readers connect with them and understand the inner workings of their minds. A good exercise to help improve with this is writing first person narration, where you are forced to focus on the character's thoughts and not so much on the external world.
Best of luck! I hope this helps =)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
-
Try replacing names or the simple "he" or "she" with somethine that describes the character. (I have tried that, but get gigged because my fans don't know who's talking.)
"He could feel the tension bubbling to the surface, strangling his heart and plaguing his mind. Each passing day was becoming an insufferable eternity." (You might want to check and see who's POV, I was in when the gulp happened.)
A good exercise to help improve with this is writing first person narration, (Romance novels are usually written in third so you can also get the other person's POV in.) I appreciate you review and will take another look.
Comment from ms. cardshark
Nice chapter. But the "coyote" conversation doesn't strike me as one that type of man would have. Maybe drop the line "we aren't acting like coyotes, we're in love."
MM
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
|
Nice chapter. But the "coyote" conversation doesn't strike me as one that type of man would have. Maybe drop the line "we aren't acting like coyotes, we're in love."
MM
Comment Written 06-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
-
Thank you. I will recheck that area. So far you are the only one that has made that comment, but it's still worth taking a second look at.
