Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Chapter 7; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
54 total reviews
Comment from Arkine
Peggy does need to get her head on straight, but I'm wondering who the traitor is? Nice chapter, I didn't catch any nits. :)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Peggy does need to get her head on straight, but I'm wondering who the traitor is? Nice chapter, I didn't catch any nits. :)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Xuders
This writer knows how to spin a good yarn. Though this is the first chapter I've read of this book-to-be, I have a sense of what has come before--something it's not always easy to achieve in a single chapter.
And my sympathies are engaged by Leya's predicament, which means her characterization is effective.
Nice job.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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This writer knows how to spin a good yarn. Though this is the first chapter I've read of this book-to-be, I have a sense of what has come before--something it's not always easy to achieve in a single chapter.
And my sympathies are engaged by Leya's predicament, which means her characterization is effective.
Nice job.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind reveiw.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
PSYCHIC INTRA FEELING STANDS DECISIVE WAY!
Still progressing well, I continued liking it as before; here dialogue studded projection has been very catchy, romantic, modest, realistic, appropriate and live. I enjoyed the fast forward progress of thoughts flow smoothly. It is a pleasant read. Intro is catchy while ending is curiously spontaneous.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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PSYCHIC INTRA FEELING STANDS DECISIVE WAY!
Still progressing well, I continued liking it as before; here dialogue studded projection has been very catchy, romantic, modest, realistic, appropriate and live. I enjoyed the fast forward progress of thoughts flow smoothly. It is a pleasant read. Intro is catchy while ending is curiously spontaneous.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Jordan Rose
Nicely done, Barbara. I love this story! I'm wondering if Peggy gave away Leya's hiding spot and can't wait until your next post!
I do have a couple suggestions for the following lines:
'After they sat on the steps in silence and watched the kitten eat, Leya asked,' - you might consider- After a few minutes of sitting on the steps in silence, watching the kitten, Leya asked- as you currently have it written, it almost seems like the plan was to sit in silence before speaking, rather than Leya needing a moment to gain the courage to ask the question, which I think is what happened.
As she climbed the stairs to her room, she avoided everyone as she tried to quell the torrent of emotions. - it feels like too many 'as'. You might consider- She climbed the stairs to her room, avoiding everyone as she tried to quell the torrent of emotions.
She didn't come downstairs for the rest of the day. - change come to go.
Nice job. Jordan
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Nicely done, Barbara. I love this story! I'm wondering if Peggy gave away Leya's hiding spot and can't wait until your next post!
I do have a couple suggestions for the following lines:
'After they sat on the steps in silence and watched the kitten eat, Leya asked,' - you might consider- After a few minutes of sitting on the steps in silence, watching the kitten, Leya asked- as you currently have it written, it almost seems like the plan was to sit in silence before speaking, rather than Leya needing a moment to gain the courage to ask the question, which I think is what happened.
As she climbed the stairs to her room, she avoided everyone as she tried to quell the torrent of emotions. - it feels like too many 'as'. You might consider- She climbed the stairs to her room, avoiding everyone as she tried to quell the torrent of emotions.
She didn't come downstairs for the rest of the day. - change come to go.
Nice job. Jordan
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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I like your suggestions. Thank you. I appreciate your review.
Comment from nor84
Guard duty? I wonder if the men know I went to Steven's room the night I found out Father beat my mother.>>> With this line of thought coming between what the man says and "as he gazed into her eyes, Jim grinned" it seems to be the thought of one man or the other, but I know it isn't. Might want to put a tag on it, or move it so that it sits next to a female character's speech or action. I could be wrong about this, so I'm not taking off any points.
I didn't see any SPAG, and part of my confusion is probably because I have not been following the story.
When Leya is awakened by gunfire and sirens, I suggest something like "Leya was startled awake" the word "awakened" seems to gentle.
Under no circumstances are you to open this door." He pointed toward the door. >>> Close repeat of "door."
Leya glanced at the ching chink and noticed Geoff chambering a round>>>is 'ching chink' a sound? I suggest 'glanced in the direction of the ching-chink' however, she needs to hear the sound, then turned in the direction to notice him chambering a round. Cause has to come before effect and reaction.
Good, action filled tale.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Guard duty? I wonder if the men know I went to Steven's room the night I found out Father beat my mother.>>> With this line of thought coming between what the man says and "as he gazed into her eyes, Jim grinned" it seems to be the thought of one man or the other, but I know it isn't. Might want to put a tag on it, or move it so that it sits next to a female character's speech or action. I could be wrong about this, so I'm not taking off any points.
I didn't see any SPAG, and part of my confusion is probably because I have not been following the story.
When Leya is awakened by gunfire and sirens, I suggest something like "Leya was startled awake" the word "awakened" seems to gentle.
Under no circumstances are you to open this door." He pointed toward the door. >>> Close repeat of "door."
Leya glanced at the ching chink and noticed Geoff chambering a round>>>is 'ching chink' a sound? I suggest 'glanced in the direction of the ching-chink' however, she needs to hear the sound, then turned in the direction to notice him chambering a round. Cause has to come before effect and reaction.
Good, action filled tale.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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I will get on those and correct them. I appreciate you taking time to review my post.
Comment from Narvik
i like how you started with the conversation that reveals some relevant background, then followed with the action scene to bring it home. Nice chapter.
sedutive (seductive)
~ Jack
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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i like how you started with the conversation that reveals some relevant background, then followed with the action scene to bring it home. Nice chapter.
sedutive (seductive)
~ Jack
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from HAWordsmith
Nicely done, easy to follow, good dialogue and even having only read just this part, I can feel the tension between the two women and the team.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Nicely done, easy to follow, good dialogue and even having only read just this part, I can feel the tension between the two women and the team.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from bookishfabler
I really am enjoying this book, glad I signed on. The action is way fun. only tiny nits to look at.
wanted a little excitement so (I) paid extra attention."
"I don't have time to discuss it but(,) I'd guess your family has come to take you back."
hugs book
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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I really am enjoying this book, glad I signed on. The action is way fun. only tiny nits to look at.
wanted a little excitement so (I) paid extra attention."
"I don't have time to discuss it but(,) I'd guess your family has come to take you back."
hugs book
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Will check into thos nits. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Writeaway...
I love your writing barbara, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, excellent job, keep writing!!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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I love your writing barbara, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, excellent job, keep writing!!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Queenise
Great action-packed and suspenseful chapter. You did a great job on this one. So many dynamics that help to make this a strong and interesting story. Move from different scenes very efficiently. So life like. I'm fully engrossed in this book. Looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings. Queenise
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Great action-packed and suspenseful chapter. You did a great job on this one. So many dynamics that help to make this a strong and interesting story. Move from different scenes very efficiently. So life like. I'm fully engrossed in this book. Looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings. Queenise
Comment Written 04-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
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You're welcome,Barbara. Queenise
