Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Chapter 7; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
44 total reviews
Comment from jayesnb
"I can't help biological clock's timing, Peggy. It doesn't have anything to do with me."... the fisrt sentence didn't make sense to me..possibly add "your"
"You accidently pulled the safety button. It causes the treadmill to stop."... this read kind of choppy.possibly consider combining into one sentence. perhaps something like..
The treadmill stopped when you accidentally pulled the safety button.
These are just my suggestions. You did a wonderful job with this chapter. As I am new to this site I have only read the last two chapters. After reading this one, I am making it a point to go back and read the others. Already I am drawn to the character of Peggy. Cant wait to see how you use her in future chapters.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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"I can't help biological clock's timing, Peggy. It doesn't have anything to do with me."... the fisrt sentence didn't make sense to me..possibly add "your"
"You accidently pulled the safety button. It causes the treadmill to stop."... this read kind of choppy.possibly consider combining into one sentence. perhaps something like..
The treadmill stopped when you accidentally pulled the safety button.
These are just my suggestions. You did a wonderful job with this chapter. As I am new to this site I have only read the last two chapters. After reading this one, I am making it a point to go back and read the others. Already I am drawn to the character of Peggy. Cant wait to see how you use her in future chapters.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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I rewrote the first part and I guess I left a word out. Thank you for catching it. I didn't like the second area. I am glad you helped with that too.
Comment from Alaskastory
Chapter 7 gets the reader totally engrossed with this love triangle in a brilliant way. Dialogue is really telling and well done.
I might suggest a couple of tiny things. You've done such a good job of portraying his perdicament, that I'd say this sentence should be scratched,'He wondered how to handle this new problem.' Also, it's unusual to put in a parenthesis in a line of conversation as in "PT (physical training). Does he really say it like that?
I look forward to the next chapter with enthusiasm.
Happy New Year to you.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Chapter 7 gets the reader totally engrossed with this love triangle in a brilliant way. Dialogue is really telling and well done.
I might suggest a couple of tiny things. You've done such a good job of portraying his perdicament, that I'd say this sentence should be scratched,'He wondered how to handle this new problem.' Also, it's unusual to put in a parenthesis in a line of conversation as in "PT (physical training). Does he really say it like that?
I look forward to the next chapter with enthusiasm.
Happy New Year to you.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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In the military they would call it PT, but I didn't think most civillians would know that, so that's the reason for the (physical traing). No one else has mentioned it. How much of a problem do you see it? I will rethink it. Thank you for your review.
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You might say Physical Training (with caps) at the first mention, then next mention just PT. Dialogue should be just what is acutally said. This is a very small thing.
Comment from Freeflyer
Poor Peggy, she is making a total fool of herself. I hope she stops now and doesn't do something stupid. She is never going to win Steven this way.
Great writing.
Maz.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Poor Peggy, she is making a total fool of herself. I hope she stops now and doesn't do something stupid. She is never going to win Steven this way.
Great writing.
Maz.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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She gets even more stupid. Thank you for your review.
Comment from RazberryBullet
I have a feeling Peggy's jealousy is going to create havoc for the whole team.
Liked this line:... For several momments, Peggy studied her prey LOL!!!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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I have a feeling Peggy's jealousy is going to create havoc for the whole team.
Liked this line:... For several momments, Peggy studied her prey LOL!!!
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from apelle
excellent material, i went through the book and I stopped here.
From a mechanical point of view this is perfect, all the I's are dotted and all the T's are crossed . Brava, I wish I had the patience to go through my stuff and bring it to this level of professionalism ...
from a context point of view I thought this chapter was the best, it brought the needed action to the plot.Lust, revenge, greed and gluttony...
What more can you wish for in a story?
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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excellent material, i went through the book and I stopped here.
From a mechanical point of view this is perfect, all the I's are dotted and all the T's are crossed . Brava, I wish I had the patience to go through my stuff and bring it to this level of professionalism ...
from a context point of view I thought this chapter was the best, it brought the needed action to the plot.Lust, revenge, greed and gluttony...
What more can you wish for in a story?
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
INERTIA IN ROMANTIC CHANGES, PROGRESSING!!!
It is a pleasant read; revived; the orderly approach, placement, projection of dialogues go high per calibration of thematic growth, implied setting and half-toned locale made the free, naturally flown, expressive work so interesting with plot fostered raptly made the exercise a commendable fictional exercise.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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INERTIA IN ROMANTIC CHANGES, PROGRESSING!!!
It is a pleasant read; revived; the orderly approach, placement, projection of dialogues go high per calibration of thematic growth, implied setting and half-toned locale made the free, naturally flown, expressive work so interesting with plot fostered raptly made the exercise a commendable fictional exercise.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Judith Ann
While I am enjoying the read, and like the characters and how you have constructed their respective personalities, the story doesn't move along fast enough for me. We seem to be beating the same old 'dead horse'. But, perhaps you are preparing a scene that requires lots of history. I hesitate offering any critique, as I feel I am not qualified - so I am only sharing my preferences here. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I am learning how important it is to tighten up my writing and I am practicing that every time I put together a piece, so that is something I notice when reviewing. Blessings to you and your writing during 2010. Below are just two 'typos' I spotted.
The paragraph beginning, "For several momments.."
Then, "When he saw Leya enter the gym wearing the excerise...") -Judy
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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While I am enjoying the read, and like the characters and how you have constructed their respective personalities, the story doesn't move along fast enough for me. We seem to be beating the same old 'dead horse'. But, perhaps you are preparing a scene that requires lots of history. I hesitate offering any critique, as I feel I am not qualified - so I am only sharing my preferences here. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I am learning how important it is to tighten up my writing and I am practicing that every time I put together a piece, so that is something I notice when reviewing. Blessings to you and your writing during 2010. Below are just two 'typos' I spotted.
The paragraph beginning, "For several momments.."
Then, "When he saw Leya enter the gym wearing the excerise...") -Judy
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I have been gigged numerous times for not making my characters 3-diminsional. Hence the background information. It will be used later, also.
Comment from mjfande
Ahh.. Peggy's true colors come out. This makes perfect sense. I was actually wondering about that throughout the other chapters. You do very well at showing the character's feelings, and making the arguments and conversations real.
Good luck in your writing.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Ahh.. Peggy's true colors come out. This makes perfect sense. I was actually wondering about that throughout the other chapters. You do very well at showing the character's feelings, and making the arguments and conversations real.
Good luck in your writing.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Girlfriend, this was one of the nicest chapters. The tension is running high between the parties. I liked Peggy's little seductive act. Has she no peanuts in her head to tell her things like that don't always work - especially with an honest guy like Steven. The part in the gym could have been a tad shorter as it lost my interest and I had to re-read. Probably only me.
Well written. Luv jada
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hi Girlfriend, this was one of the nicest chapters. The tension is running high between the parties. I liked Peggy's little seductive act. Has she no peanuts in her head to tell her things like that don't always work - especially with an honest guy like Steven. The part in the gym could have been a tad shorter as it lost my interest and I had to re-read. Probably only me.
Well written. Luv jada
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Since your opinion is very valuable to me, I will recheck the gym scene. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi barbara.wilkey,
Hmmm, a good commander would immediately remove Ms Peggy from the case and the team - and I'd probably set up a survellance on her as well since she has becaome a major liability now she has shown her hand and her personal life has become mixed up with her job.
OK, that is my assessment as a one time senior officer in the fire and emergency services and my police investigator training. Suspicious of everything and everyone....
The dialogues are good, the scenario believable and the action is certainly building up the tensions nicely. Good work
Patrick
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hi barbara.wilkey,
Hmmm, a good commander would immediately remove Ms Peggy from the case and the team - and I'd probably set up a survellance on her as well since she has becaome a major liability now she has shown her hand and her personal life has become mixed up with her job.
OK, that is my assessment as a one time senior officer in the fire and emergency services and my police investigator training. Suspicious of everything and everyone....
The dialogues are good, the scenario believable and the action is certainly building up the tensions nicely. Good work
Patrick
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Steven gives her the benefit of the doubt because he has history with her, but it comes back to bit him in the butt. Thank you for your review.
