Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Chapter 6; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
45 total reviews
Comment from mjfande
An excellent chapter. I think this is the first time that we see the real Leya. It makes the story much more interesting. The incident where Steven misread Leya's intentions makes him feel much more real. I'm interested to see how everything goes with the rest of the team after this chapter.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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An excellent chapter. I think this is the first time that we see the real Leya. It makes the story much more interesting. The incident where Steven misread Leya's intentions makes him feel much more real. I'm interested to see how everything goes with the rest of the team after this chapter.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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It gets really interesting. Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from eliz100
This well-written as usual. You did a great job describing the sexual tension between Leya and Steve. There is no room for improvement.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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This well-written as usual. You did a great job describing the sexual tension between Leya and Steve. There is no room for improvement.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Thank you for yor review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from empire76
The story is coming along. At least now they are talking and getting their feelings out. I probably say this in almost every chapter, but you really do need to strike a balance between dialogue and narration.
Your dialogue moves the story along, which is great because you avoid unnecessary dialogue. However, there doesn't seem to be enough narration to enable your readers experience the scenes with the characters.
E.g.: I don't sympathise with Leya very much. I know she's not the bad guy here, but I think she's toying with him. I don't buy her 'this is the only clean thing I have' story. What happened to the outfit she was wearing earlier? If this is your intention, great job. If it isn't, however, then you may want to consider letting us see what Steven sees. After she tells him, what does he read in her yes, or about her body language? In his line of work he should be able to take a step back and assess the situation.
It can get tricky since narration can slow things down, but I know you can do it.
-He gulped[,] as his eyes slid up her bare stomach to the blue halter-top ...
Delete comma
- I wonder what keeps her breasts from slipping out.
LOL
- Leya went behind Steven's desk and whispered, "This is the most conservative outfit I have that's clean."
This could be more visual. Tell us how Steven experienced it, to fuel the idea that he thinks she's seducing him
- ...he almost lost complete control.
If he almost lost complete control, then he did lose some control. How about losing the almost and just saying, some of his control slipped? It's a more active statement and leads up to that kiss
- His eyes revealed how badly he wanted that woman.
How does he know what his eyes revealed?
- "You pranced into my office, with ... [.]"
Delete period. Ellipses show incomplete dialogue/thoughts etc. Periods show complete ones. They don't work together (forget what some people tell you)
- He nuzzled her ear...
He nuzzled her ear? What happened to 'it will never happen again' thing he said?. LOL
Keep writing, Barbara. These two characters are fun to read
Empi
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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The story is coming along. At least now they are talking and getting their feelings out. I probably say this in almost every chapter, but you really do need to strike a balance between dialogue and narration.
Your dialogue moves the story along, which is great because you avoid unnecessary dialogue. However, there doesn't seem to be enough narration to enable your readers experience the scenes with the characters.
E.g.: I don't sympathise with Leya very much. I know she's not the bad guy here, but I think she's toying with him. I don't buy her 'this is the only clean thing I have' story. What happened to the outfit she was wearing earlier? If this is your intention, great job. If it isn't, however, then you may want to consider letting us see what Steven sees. After she tells him, what does he read in her yes, or about her body language? In his line of work he should be able to take a step back and assess the situation.
It can get tricky since narration can slow things down, but I know you can do it.
-He gulped[,] as his eyes slid up her bare stomach to the blue halter-top ...
Delete comma
- I wonder what keeps her breasts from slipping out.
LOL
- Leya went behind Steven's desk and whispered, "This is the most conservative outfit I have that's clean."
This could be more visual. Tell us how Steven experienced it, to fuel the idea that he thinks she's seducing him
- ...he almost lost complete control.
If he almost lost complete control, then he did lose some control. How about losing the almost and just saying, some of his control slipped? It's a more active statement and leads up to that kiss
- His eyes revealed how badly he wanted that woman.
How does he know what his eyes revealed?
- "You pranced into my office, with ... [.]"
Delete period. Ellipses show incomplete dialogue/thoughts etc. Periods show complete ones. They don't work together (forget what some people tell you)
- He nuzzled her ear...
He nuzzled her ear? What happened to 'it will never happen again' thing he said?. LOL
Keep writing, Barbara. These two characters are fun to read
Empi
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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I received a review that said, I went into too much description about the characters. I should let the reader assume more. I told the person you always tell me to do the opposite. Thank you for the review.
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For what it's worth, I think you could still go into a little more detail especially by using more descriptive adjectives and sentences. I'd interested in reading what that reviewer said exactly.
Empi
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
Mixing business and pleasure always leads to problems and I suspect Stephen is on the brink of discovering the hardest part of that. It reads almost as if someone is trying to set him up in some way, the question is who?
Well written and I have spotted nothing spaggy.
Have a great CHristmas.
Patrick
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2009
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Hi Barbara,
Mixing business and pleasure always leads to problems and I suspect Stephen is on the brink of discovering the hardest part of that. It reads almost as if someone is trying to set him up in some way, the question is who?
Well written and I have spotted nothing spaggy.
Have a great CHristmas.
Patrick
Comment Written 21-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your continued support and the review.
Comment from wierdgrace
I always love the first paragraph of your chapters, they tell you to look out, this chapter is great, and I am never disappointed, smooth reading, Your a great help to me, and I always learn from your writings what I need to brush up on, loved it can not wait for more. enjoy your holiday and vacation.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2009
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I always love the first paragraph of your chapters, they tell you to look out, this chapter is great, and I am never disappointed, smooth reading, Your a great help to me, and I always learn from your writings what I need to brush up on, loved it can not wait for more. enjoy your holiday and vacation.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind words and review.
Comment from ger1975
Great job Barbara. How frustrating for Steven? Your dialogue and pacing is great. There were some bits that could be tighter, but I'm sure you'll address them when reviewing. Overall, tension and conflict raced the reader through to the end. I enjoyed it immensely. Well done, Barbara and a very merry Xmas to you and your family. Gerald
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Great job Barbara. How frustrating for Steven? Your dialogue and pacing is great. There were some bits that could be tighter, but I'm sure you'll address them when reviewing. Overall, tension and conflict raced the reader through to the end. I enjoyed it immensely. Well done, Barbara and a very merry Xmas to you and your family. Gerald
Comment Written 20-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind words and review. Merry Christmas.
Comment from nora arjuna
Oh you missed one important act at the end. He should have kissed her! No man could resist that lol.
He placed his hands, one on each side of her shoulders, - this can be simply put this way and well understood - He placed his hands on her shoulders.
He swallowed loudly. "As for your top falling, it happened so fast I didn't see anything. - LOL!
He is one funny man.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Oh you missed one important act at the end. He should have kissed her! No man could resist that lol.
He placed his hands, one on each side of her shoulders, - this can be simply put this way and well understood - He placed his hands on her shoulders.
He swallowed loudly. "As for your top falling, it happened so fast I didn't see anything. - LOL!
He is one funny man.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Oh yes, Steven has his hands full. Thank you for your review. I always apprecaite hearing from you. Thank you for your continued support.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Poor Steven ;p He can't tell if Leya's telling the truth about her laundry or not! Liked this: As Derek turned to leave, all Steven's voice would allow was a whisper, "Please shut the door." LOL!!!
Leya's got him here: He nuzzled her ear and whispered, "I'm telling the truth." (Not so sure about that!)
Well done!
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Poor Steven ;p He can't tell if Leya's telling the truth about her laundry or not! Liked this: As Derek turned to leave, all Steven's voice would allow was a whisper, "Please shut the door." LOL!!!
Leya's got him here: He nuzzled her ear and whispered, "I'm telling the truth." (Not so sure about that!)
Well done!
Comment Written 20-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from laurelp
Interesting and provocative chapter. The intrigue continue with a very good story. Hope you have a enjoyable and wonderful two week holiday.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Interesting and provocative chapter. The intrigue continue with a very good story. Hope you have a enjoyable and wonderful two week holiday.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words. I am trying to earn points to post again. I am ready, but my pumps aren't ready. Later tonight or tomorrow for sure.
Comment from jl & bandit
This s quite the story you have going here, and you already have a good fan base, which should tell you a lot as well.
thses characters are strong and the story line is good. I found no flaws in the write.
jl&b
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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This s quite the story you have going here, and you already have a good fan base, which should tell you a lot as well.
thses characters are strong and the story line is good. I found no flaws in the write.
jl&b
Comment Written 20-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Thank you for the kind review.
