Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Chapter 5; Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
45 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This was another well-written chapter. It is interesting to see Stephen caught in the middle between the two women. Each pulling in a different direction. It kept me reading and looking forward to the next chapter..
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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This was another well-written chapter. It is interesting to see Stephen caught in the middle between the two women. Each pulling in a different direction. It kept me reading and looking forward to the next chapter..
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from lola29
Great writing! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter because your honed writing skills made it a smooth and fluent read. You've really written a mystery around Leya. Now, I'm wonderting if she's working for her father.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Great writing! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter because your honed writing skills made it a smooth and fluent read. You've really written a mystery around Leya. Now, I'm wonderting if she's working for her father.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from empire76
The development of the story is good. The progression of events makes sense. You are also getting more into the characters' heads to let us see their thoughts.
What you can do to enhance the story even more is to tap into their emotions. Don't just show the action of him rubbing her hand. Who's POV are we in? What is that person feeling? how are they reading into the action? The emotion is what will make you readers connect with the characters.
Most of your readers haven't been in this situation, but they would definitely have been in a situation where they had to deal with a jealous ex, betrayal of trust, your lover not believing you, etc. So tap into those emotions.
A good place is Leya's conversation with Jim. I see a lot of potential emotion there, but none is mentioned.
- She gulped, before she continued,
suggestion to cut the second she: She gulped before continuing...
-Leya's younger brother uses the same cell phone company as we do and he's friends with Carlos Martinez's younger brother.
Since this is almost exactly the same as Leya said a few lines up, I'd suggest you change this to narration that summarises (i.e.: After dinner, Steven held a team meeting and revealed the information Leya had supplied.) or rephrase Steven's dialogue to add some more news.
- After taking a deep breath, she almost whispered, "And I'm not lying about why I was in Steven's office, either. I just wanted to help."
Have you tried making the almost-whisper into a thought? It might work better.
Cheers
Empi
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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The development of the story is good. The progression of events makes sense. You are also getting more into the characters' heads to let us see their thoughts.
What you can do to enhance the story even more is to tap into their emotions. Don't just show the action of him rubbing her hand. Who's POV are we in? What is that person feeling? how are they reading into the action? The emotion is what will make you readers connect with the characters.
Most of your readers haven't been in this situation, but they would definitely have been in a situation where they had to deal with a jealous ex, betrayal of trust, your lover not believing you, etc. So tap into those emotions.
A good place is Leya's conversation with Jim. I see a lot of potential emotion there, but none is mentioned.
- She gulped, before she continued,
suggestion to cut the second she: She gulped before continuing...
-Leya's younger brother uses the same cell phone company as we do and he's friends with Carlos Martinez's younger brother.
Since this is almost exactly the same as Leya said a few lines up, I'd suggest you change this to narration that summarises (i.e.: After dinner, Steven held a team meeting and revealed the information Leya had supplied.) or rephrase Steven's dialogue to add some more news.
- After taking a deep breath, she almost whispered, "And I'm not lying about why I was in Steven's office, either. I just wanted to help."
Have you tried making the almost-whisper into a thought? It might work better.
Cheers
Empi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review and continued support. I will see what I can do with the suggestions.
Comment from Mark Nolan
Hi barbara.wilkey, you have used a very interesting storyline for this piece. It was a good read. It was well constructed and flowed very freely also. Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Hi barbara.wilkey, you have used a very interesting storyline for this piece. It was a good read. It was well constructed and flowed very freely also. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from nora arjuna
That was a great read, barb. I hope they won't find anything in Leya's room. Who knows what Peggy could be up to.
I have no other comments except to mention the two 'glared' used down here. Maybe replace one with another word.
Peggy [glared] at Leya. "That doesn't make sense. I'll escort her upstairs." As she grabbed Leya's arm, she [glared] at Steven. "That will give you time to decide what you want to do with her."
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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That was a great read, barb. I hope they won't find anything in Leya's room. Who knows what Peggy could be up to.
I have no other comments except to mention the two 'glared' used down here. Maybe replace one with another word.
Peggy [glared] at Leya. "That doesn't make sense. I'll escort her upstairs." As she grabbed Leya's arm, she [glared] at Steven. "That will give you time to decide what you want to do with her."
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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I will take a look at the two glared. They should not be there. Thank you for noticing.
Comment from Katiesherrill
I've been waiting for you to post another chapter. LOL Great job.
I am interested in the characters now and how they are developing. The story grabs my attention and keeps it the entire time.
Another great Chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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I've been waiting for you to post another chapter. LOL Great job.
I am interested in the characters now and how they are developing. The story grabs my attention and keeps it the entire time.
Another great Chapter.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hello barbara,
I read this chapter. the style of writing seems pretty sound, though I've only caught a chapter here and there, I can generally tell what's going on in the individual scene and the dialog works. I only saw a few commas that I thought to question.
Leya jerked her arm loose, as Steven snapped, "Go to your room."
(not sure if the pause acts more of a stumbling point, interrupting flow)
"Leya's younger brother uses the same cell phone company as we do(,) and he's friends with Carlos Martinez's younger brother.
(independent clauses)
He tossed a few more pebbles, before he glanced at her.
(not sure why there's a comma between pebbles and before)
I like the balance between dialog and action, and could feel the tension building at possible betrayal from Leya to Steven. Overall engaging read.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Hello barbara,
I read this chapter. the style of writing seems pretty sound, though I've only caught a chapter here and there, I can generally tell what's going on in the individual scene and the dialog works. I only saw a few commas that I thought to question.
Leya jerked her arm loose, as Steven snapped, "Go to your room."
(not sure if the pause acts more of a stumbling point, interrupting flow)
"Leya's younger brother uses the same cell phone company as we do(,) and he's friends with Carlos Martinez's younger brother.
(independent clauses)
He tossed a few more pebbles, before he glanced at her.
(not sure why there's a comma between pebbles and before)
I like the balance between dialog and action, and could feel the tension building at possible betrayal from Leya to Steven. Overall engaging read.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you for the suggestions on the commas. I will take another look.
Comment from sgalletti
Hi there! Another spell binding chapter in the story of Leya and Steven. I'm thinking Peggy is the bad guy! Loved the distractions of the kitten and your use of italics for side thoughts. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. Sue
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2009
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Hi there! Another spell binding chapter in the story of Leya and Steven. I'm thinking Peggy is the bad guy! Loved the distractions of the kitten and your use of italics for side thoughts. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. Sue
Comment Written 30-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate the continued support.
Comment from mjfande
Well, it certainly is another excellent chapter. I like the way you continued the drama of Leya, Peggy, and Steven. I am a little disappointed in Steven at the end of the chapter, but it makes for great drama in the story. You did a great job in giving Steven a more diverse personality. Excellent chapter.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2009
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Well, it certainly is another excellent chapter. I like the way you continued the drama of Leya, Peggy, and Steven. I am a little disappointed in Steven at the end of the chapter, but it makes for great drama in the story. You did a great job in giving Steven a more diverse personality. Excellent chapter.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review an continued support.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Barbara,
Nice, tight writing. This is an exciting story and you describe the characters well. The animosity between Leya and Peggy is palable. Well done.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2009
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Dear Barbara,
Nice, tight writing. This is an exciting story and you describe the characters well. The animosity between Leya and Peggy is palable. Well done.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 30-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
