The Ice Princess
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Gasping for Air - Why Me?"Love, Hate, Conflicts and Fear
28 total reviews
Comment from Queenise
You have done a superb job on this chapter my friend. It is hot and steamy and not for the faint of heart. In spite of the sexy scene your focus is drawn back to the main point of the story which is good the way that you did this. Great command of attention and good flow and pace. Action and drama is excellent. Peace. Queenise
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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You have done a superb job on this chapter my friend. It is hot and steamy and not for the faint of heart. In spite of the sexy scene your focus is drawn back to the main point of the story which is good the way that you did this. Great command of attention and good flow and pace. Action and drama is excellent. Peace. Queenise
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Queenise
Thank you for the great input. I really appreciate it. I needed the passion but I don't want to lose the story line because of it. Thanks again. CArol
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You're welcome and deserving of an award for this. Blessings. Queenise
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Carol,
I read this chapter,... couple times, couple editions. I found the hopping between Sherrie and Trent's pov distracting, as a preference, for me... , and I think the chapter would be stronger without some of Sherrie's internal experiences. Though the sex scene was steamy, I thought the other scenes were more of my favorites from this book, but I can understand the addition of it with meeting Trent, as it adds dimensions. I hopped back and forth with wondering if the need to have so much time devoted to them, but understanding that they are part of the story... with the (percentage to the desire to see more of Reilly and Max interacting)
I would either keep the sex in one pov, or maybe add a visual cue to show the jump is intended?
************************
trents pov
********************* < add the markers? (I've heard it would be shown by new paragraph with no indent, but this is a different format then books I'm used to not on the computer)
Sherrie interlude pov
*************************
back to trent
Have the end jumps in pov to Sherrie modified to stay with Trent.
Sherrie tiptoed up behind him and began massaging his shoulders, trying to ease the tension, praying she wouldn't be on the receiving end of his anger. He'd given her a black eye once before.
Delete this, you can point out abuse from Trent's point of view or her's earlier.
Sherrie didn't answer; her eyes were glued to the television screen. Footage of the discovery of the little girls' bodies played while a reporter explained that authorities believed a serial killer, preying on young girls, was at large. She wondered how much those families would have been willing to pay to get their daughters back alive. Plenty, she thought.
(last line could be dialog... that will leave the reader wondering more later on . . . )
I can re'review if you like on this chapter.
Though I do think this one needs a few more adjustments, I think it is a nice layer to the whole story, and I do like that you can use it to have a scene where there is no gushy romance love is the lusty exchange between trent and sherrie.
You paint trent effectively as a slimeball.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Hi Carol,
I read this chapter,... couple times, couple editions. I found the hopping between Sherrie and Trent's pov distracting, as a preference, for me... , and I think the chapter would be stronger without some of Sherrie's internal experiences. Though the sex scene was steamy, I thought the other scenes were more of my favorites from this book, but I can understand the addition of it with meeting Trent, as it adds dimensions. I hopped back and forth with wondering if the need to have so much time devoted to them, but understanding that they are part of the story... with the (percentage to the desire to see more of Reilly and Max interacting)
I would either keep the sex in one pov, or maybe add a visual cue to show the jump is intended?
************************
trents pov
********************* < add the markers? (I've heard it would be shown by new paragraph with no indent, but this is a different format then books I'm used to not on the computer)
Sherrie interlude pov
*************************
back to trent
Have the end jumps in pov to Sherrie modified to stay with Trent.
Sherrie tiptoed up behind him and began massaging his shoulders, trying to ease the tension, praying she wouldn't be on the receiving end of his anger. He'd given her a black eye once before.
Delete this, you can point out abuse from Trent's point of view or her's earlier.
Sherrie didn't answer; her eyes were glued to the television screen. Footage of the discovery of the little girls' bodies played while a reporter explained that authorities believed a serial killer, preying on young girls, was at large. She wondered how much those families would have been willing to pay to get their daughters back alive. Plenty, she thought.
(last line could be dialog... that will leave the reader wondering more later on . . . )
I can re'review if you like on this chapter.
Though I do think this one needs a few more adjustments, I think it is a nice layer to the whole story, and I do like that you can use it to have a scene where there is no gushy romance love is the lusty exchange between trent and sherrie.
You paint trent effectively as a slimeball.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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turtle
This POV stuff is killing me. I made some changes as you suggested..if you get a chance, see if that is what you were referring to. Thanks
Carol
Comment from MJMuraco
This story is getting better and better. The suspense and anxiety are there. I must read the next chapter to see what happens next.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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This story is getting better and better. The suspense and anxiety are there. I must read the next chapter to see what happens next.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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MJ
Thanks for all the encouragement. I am so pleased that you are enjoying the story. Thanks for the kind review. Carol
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Begin Again,
Boy I can't keep up with you.
You must of had all your chapters written before hand
You have what I call a real steamy scent in this chapter going on in that shower.
Great dialogue and you certainly didn't leave any thing of imagination out.
I just wonder if our lover boy Trent will ever get back with ( is it Rilley?)
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Hello Begin Again,
Boy I can't keep up with you.
You must of had all your chapters written before hand
You have what I call a real steamy scent in this chapter going on in that shower.
Great dialogue and you certainly didn't leave any thing of imagination out.
I just wonder if our lover boy Trent will ever get back with ( is it Rilley?)
Gert
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Gert
I think Trent has his hands full already. Thanks for the review. CArol
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You are welcome Carol
Gert
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
Very steamy, a real sizzle to this one, plus of course the undercurrent of darkness, the underbelly of life. Sherrie sounds like a real doll, huh?
The only thing that got to me, and you have to understand I don't ever read steamy novels so I'm not altogether up on the appropriate lingo, but "member" just doesn't sound right. Why not leave it out altogether? "She wrapped her legs around his waist as he slowly slid into her."
But, a very well written bit of steam!
John
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Very steamy, a real sizzle to this one, plus of course the undercurrent of darkness, the underbelly of life. Sherrie sounds like a real doll, huh?
The only thing that got to me, and you have to understand I don't ever read steamy novels so I'm not altogether up on the appropriate lingo, but "member" just doesn't sound right. Why not leave it out altogether? "She wrapped her legs around his waist as he slowly slid into her."
But, a very well written bit of steam!
John
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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John
I kind of like that idea. I wasn't too keen on being so explicit in the first place. Not that I don't like it, I just don't care to share it with the world. But if that's what the publisher wants, that's what I'll write. Thanks so much. Carol
Comment from c_lucas
Except for the overuse of cliches, this is very well written with a smooth flow of words. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Except for the overuse of cliches, this is very well written with a smooth flow of words. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Charlie
What cliches do you think I should remove?
Thanks for the review and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it. Carol
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Hi Carol, I don't like to tell some one how to write. Revaluate your cliches and see which ones you would remove. If you like them all, keep them all. Charlie
Comment from dmjones
I have a feeling I know where this is going but I like it.
Lots of tension in the story sexual and otherwise.
This is the only comment I have when you read these I really thing the flow would be better if you put and , after tension to combine the two. See what you think
the tension. Praying she wouldn't be on the receiving end of his anger.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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I have a feeling I know where this is going but I like it.
Lots of tension in the story sexual and otherwise.
This is the only comment I have when you read these I really thing the flow would be better if you put and , after tension to combine the two. See what you think
the tension. Praying she wouldn't be on the receiving end of his anger.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Donna
You are so correct. I had just made a change in my thoughts there and capitalized instead of the comma. Glad you caught it. Just posted Chapter 5... I'm glad that I am getting good feed back..don't know if it's enough for the contest but I think I have written a good story. Thanks again CArol
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I agree it's definitely a good story. If it's not the type that the contest wants you could I bet try harliquinn
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From what I looked at Breathless Press, this might be too mild for them. Except I did see they had a classification of sweet confections...Only time will tell I guess.
Carol
Comment from pixiemillie
Well seems Trent is in a bind in this chapter. Riley has done her job and we are waiting for the verdict, Sherrie and Trent need to clean up their act--particularly that small bathroom --sounds like a mess and using a dirty towel to dry himself off LOL. One wonders not, since you left us hanging again, what Trent's plans are for getting the money- -or perhaps it would be better if he just met his demise--sex, gambling- -no wonder Riley dumped him.
thank you.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Well seems Trent is in a bind in this chapter. Riley has done her job and we are waiting for the verdict, Sherrie and Trent need to clean up their act--particularly that small bathroom --sounds like a mess and using a dirty towel to dry himself off LOL. One wonders not, since you left us hanging again, what Trent's plans are for getting the money- -or perhaps it would be better if he just met his demise--sex, gambling- -no wonder Riley dumped him.
thank you.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Pixie
Yeah...he's not a very upstanding guy..hasn't even seen his daughter in 6 years except for a birthday card one a year. A real Jerk! Thanks for the review and I am glad you still are enjoying it! Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
Another wonderful chapter. I don't know why but I can see what's coming next. Great foreshadowing. Wonderful tension and nothing like pushing the guy into a corner. Great job.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Another wonderful chapter. I don't know why but I can see what's coming next. Great foreshadowing. Wonderful tension and nothing like pushing the guy into a corner. Great job.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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fictionwriter
Never can be sure of what will happen... Thanks for the review and I am glad that you are enjoying it. Thanks again. Carol
Comment from L.lora
Carol, this is so well written
and the dialogues are superb.
Your storyline is developing
nicely and I fear where this
is going to go after reading
your last paragraph...well,
maybe fear isn't the correct
word...I'll just have to wait
and see how this developes.
Exciting and enjoyable read.
no nits..Lora
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Carol, this is so well written
and the dialogues are superb.
Your storyline is developing
nicely and I fear where this
is going to go after reading
your last paragraph...well,
maybe fear isn't the correct
word...I'll just have to wait
and see how this developes.
Exciting and enjoyable read.
no nits..Lora
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Lora
Thank you so much for the kind and gracious review. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and let me know what you think. Thanks again. Carol
