Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Chapter 2 Part 4"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
37 total reviews
Comment from empire76
Hm ... my only concern with the chapter is the frisking. Maybe it's just me but I feel the extent of Steve's search is too much. He slips his hands under her skirt? I know this is a romance, but come on. Would this really happen in real life in this situation? If any male frisked a woman like that (until he could cup her butt under her skirt) he'd likely have a law suit on his hands.
What you might want to look at is to justify it (professionally). Him not trusting her isn't enough. Perhaps something has happened before where he wasn't thorough enough and something bad happened so he's taking no chances this time even if he's going beyond what should normally be acceptable. Now if something like this is explained, I'd be able to accept the frisk without thinking of your hero as a perv. Right now that's how I see him (which I am sure isn't your intention)
E
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2009
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Hm ... my only concern with the chapter is the frisking. Maybe it's just me but I feel the extent of Steve's search is too much. He slips his hands under her skirt? I know this is a romance, but come on. Would this really happen in real life in this situation? If any male frisked a woman like that (until he could cup her butt under her skirt) he'd likely have a law suit on his hands.
What you might want to look at is to justify it (professionally). Him not trusting her isn't enough. Perhaps something has happened before where he wasn't thorough enough and something bad happened so he's taking no chances this time even if he's going beyond what should normally be acceptable. Now if something like this is explained, I'd be able to accept the frisk without thinking of your hero as a perv. Right now that's how I see him (which I am sure isn't your intention)
E
Comment Written 24-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2009
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I will reconsider it. You are the person, so far, that had a problem with the frisk. Most people liked it. I value your opinion so much that I will rethink it, because you have valid point.
Comment from sgalletti
Hey Barbara. So, I realized I was woefully behind in catching up with Dani, Matt and crew. Consequently, I spent an hour going back and scanning earlier writes (although I didn't take the time to review since that's now worth 2 cents). But, I do care. Anyway, I'm now caught up and hope to do a better job staying caught up in the future. So, on to this write. What a flirtatious frisk! You might have the women's movement after you after this...Loved the last line "I always act like a lady." - The cherry on top of the cake. Sue
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Hey Barbara. So, I realized I was woefully behind in catching up with Dani, Matt and crew. Consequently, I spent an hour going back and scanning earlier writes (although I didn't take the time to review since that's now worth 2 cents). But, I do care. Anyway, I'm now caught up and hope to do a better job staying caught up in the future. So, on to this write. What a flirtatious frisk! You might have the women's movement after you after this...Loved the last line "I always act like a lady." - The cherry on top of the cake. Sue
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Thank you. I always enjoy hearing from you.
Comment from Shane Marquardt
A good chapter. You make the scene very entertaining.
I did leave a suggestion though.
"Maybe I'm hiding a knife in my bra, panties, or between my legs. Aren't you going to check?" (I enjoy her playfulness. I would suggest eliminating his inner dialogue hesitance, though. He is a professional and has to do it. It also makes the actual frisk more sensual.)
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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A good chapter. You make the scene very entertaining.
I did leave a suggestion though.
"Maybe I'm hiding a knife in my bra, panties, or between my legs. Aren't you going to check?" (I enjoy her playfulness. I would suggest eliminating his inner dialogue hesitance, though. He is a professional and has to do it. It also makes the actual frisk more sensual.)
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Good idea. I'll see what I can do. Most people are loving it. I didn't add it until I posted. I like it better myself without, but everybody else is likes it. Oh dear. Can two great minds be wrong?????
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lol. Two great minds can never be wrong. Trust your instincts, my friend.
Comment from Laidy
i thought you did a great beautiful job on this write. i liked reading this. i thought you put great thought into your work and you wrote this well. no corrections be made. nice write. -laidy
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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i thought you did a great beautiful job on this write. i liked reading this. i thought you put great thought into your work and you wrote this well. no corrections be made. nice write. -laidy
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate it.
Comment from eliz100
Your chapter is well written without SPAG's. It was a pleasant read from beginning to end. The sexual tension made it interesting.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Your chapter is well written without SPAG's. It was a pleasant read from beginning to end. The sexual tension made it interesting.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from ladybird
A good follow on chapter, although I did find the part where he's frisking Leyla a bit heavy going with so much of Stevens thoughts in between the dialogue and action. Stevens really got the hots for Leyla hasn't he. lol. So far,I don't particulary like the Leyla character, I don't know why. She just seems too full on, coming across as a bit of a slapper, lol. Maybe as the book progress' I might warm to her.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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A good follow on chapter, although I did find the part where he's frisking Leyla a bit heavy going with so much of Stevens thoughts in between the dialogue and action. Stevens really got the hots for Leyla hasn't he. lol. So far,I don't particulary like the Leyla character, I don't know why. She just seems too full on, coming across as a bit of a slapper, lol. Maybe as the book progress' I might warm to her.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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I think you will learn to like her once her motives are out in the open and she calms down.
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Yes, I expect so.
Comment from Tellis
He closed his eyes to ensure he didn't (-peak,)(+peek)
This was a very exciting chapter and I hope to read more. I enjoyed reading this well written piece.
Tellis
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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He closed his eyes to ensure he didn't (-peak,)(+peek)
This was a very exciting chapter and I hope to read more. I enjoyed reading this well written piece.
Tellis
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Thank you, and yes, somebody else caught that, and I didn't get it changed. I will right now.
Comment from Steve Pantazis
Overall, this chapter section reads a bit "first drafty". Some of the exchanges between characters, such as that between the men in the beginning, sounds like it's coming from a B-movie. Naturalize the dialogue more.
What is this supposed to be: 'Damn, they're soft. No fondling.'? It reads as dialogue because of the quotes, yet it has the characteristic of inner monologue. Put thoughts into italics, if you have thoughts in your prose. It's the industry standard.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Overall, this chapter section reads a bit "first drafty". Some of the exchanges between characters, such as that between the men in the beginning, sounds like it's coming from a B-movie. Naturalize the dialogue more.
What is this supposed to be: 'Damn, they're soft. No fondling.'? It reads as dialogue because of the quotes, yet it has the characteristic of inner monologue. Put thoughts into italics, if you have thoughts in your prose. It's the industry standard.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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As I mentioned in my author's notes, my computer and FS won't work together and the italic I have in my manuscript do not copy onto FS. I've tried everything, so I settled for a single' so my readers would know why I did that. Thank you for your review. I'm sorry you didn't like it. Most of my reviewer state my dialogue is one of my really strong points and love it.
Comment from wierdgrace
so glad she makes it to the safe house but is she really safe, I lvoe this type of story, your characters, are exciting, and easy to follow, I love the dialoge and the wanting more and more. great ending, and what is next, post when you can, we love it.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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so glad she makes it to the safe house but is she really safe, I lvoe this type of story, your characters, are exciting, and easy to follow, I love the dialoge and the wanting more and more. great ending, and what is next, post when you can, we love it.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I just took a huge hit on my dialogue stating it wasn't realistic.
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I took a huge hit from a person I do not know too, two stars for my script, that hurt oh well, all could not enjoy. love your work though
Comment from Belinda
I like this chapter. You describe the situation about the examination nicely. Steven is a nice guy, but a man anyway. And Leya seems respectable. (Yes, I would like to have the italics, it's easy and I will tell you how.) Interesting story, I look forward to further chapters.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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I like this chapter. You describe the situation about the examination nicely. Steven is a nice guy, but a man anyway. And Leya seems respectable. (Yes, I would like to have the italics, it's easy and I will tell you how.) Interesting story, I look forward to further chapters.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Please do. McAfee won't allow me to download advanced editor and three people have told me how to do HTML and when I tried that it didn't work either.
