Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Chapter 1 Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
48 total reviews
Comment from darkgreennights
Dear Barbara, you rock! You have managed to keep the suspense level through the roof for three or is it four chapters now? Dani is so brave and I know this will end happily but you can just bleed for her during it!
Kathleen
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Dear Barbara, you rock! You have managed to keep the suspense level through the roof for three or is it four chapters now? Dani is so brave and I know this will end happily but you can just bleed for her during it!
Kathleen
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
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well earned
Comment from nor84
I suggest working around using "eyes" so much in that first paragraph, Barbara. It's in there three times, with eyebrows being a close relative. You could say 'he glanced from Matt to Joe', but need to take out 'eyes once in that second sentence, because it's in there twice.
As Matt spoke, Steven noticed his hands were in fists and>>>I recommend 'his hands were fisted
"True." He removed the SIG Sauer 9mm from his shoulder holster, chambered a round, and replaced it, before he added>>>the best speech tag is NO speech tag, and you don't need one when you have an action tag (sometimes called a 'beat'). I suggest:
"True." He removed the SIG Sauer 9mm from his shoulder holster, chambered a round, and replaced it(.) "I can protect Dani. You get my daughter." >>>all you have to do is put what he says either before or after the action (chambering a round.) It's clear the person with the action said the words.
great-aunt is one word, hyphenated
When you mention the names of the people who were imprisoned, it's best not to do it twice. It's in consecutive paragraphs. I would have said "He put her only child and her lover in prison" unless the names really matter at this point in the story. If you decide to leave it in, do something about the repeat in the next paragraph.
They each chambered a round, and moved to [the] opposite sides of the door.>>>cut the bracketed word. Not necessary.
Good job, Barbara. It's a fine story.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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I suggest working around using "eyes" so much in that first paragraph, Barbara. It's in there three times, with eyebrows being a close relative. You could say 'he glanced from Matt to Joe', but need to take out 'eyes once in that second sentence, because it's in there twice.
As Matt spoke, Steven noticed his hands were in fists and>>>I recommend 'his hands were fisted
"True." He removed the SIG Sauer 9mm from his shoulder holster, chambered a round, and replaced it, before he added>>>the best speech tag is NO speech tag, and you don't need one when you have an action tag (sometimes called a 'beat'). I suggest:
"True." He removed the SIG Sauer 9mm from his shoulder holster, chambered a round, and replaced it(.) "I can protect Dani. You get my daughter." >>>all you have to do is put what he says either before or after the action (chambering a round.) It's clear the person with the action said the words.
great-aunt is one word, hyphenated
When you mention the names of the people who were imprisoned, it's best not to do it twice. It's in consecutive paragraphs. I would have said "He put her only child and her lover in prison" unless the names really matter at this point in the story. If you decide to leave it in, do something about the repeat in the next paragraph.
They each chambered a round, and moved to [the] opposite sides of the door.>>>cut the bracketed word. Not necessary.
Good job, Barbara. It's a fine story.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Thank you. I will take care of those mistakes.
Comment from bc1yax
another excellent chapter - now do we think the baby is behind door number one - maybe - you have me hooked - I await the next chapter - you sure know how to mix the pot -
-- bc1yax
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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another excellent chapter - now do we think the baby is behind door number one - maybe - you have me hooked - I await the next chapter - you sure know how to mix the pot -
-- bc1yax
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from fictionwriter
Although the beginning was a little confusing I enjoyed the read very much. Part of the problem is my husband trying to talk to me while I'm trying to read. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Although the beginning was a little confusing I enjoyed the read very much. Part of the problem is my husband trying to talk to me while I'm trying to read. Nicely done.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words. I have a husband and 16 year old that does the same thing.
Comment from minopavlic
You have a very unique style.Your expressionalism in characterization is brilliantly crafted and captured.The plot had an intriguing ability to hold my interest from the opening to the finish.
Absolutely captivating,my interest never wavered.You are a talented and gifted writer.Your form of expressionalism is a fine toned craft.I can hardly wait for the next chapter. A recommended read
Warm regards
No_obstacle
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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You have a very unique style.Your expressionalism in characterization is brilliantly crafted and captured.The plot had an intriguing ability to hold my interest from the opening to the finish.
Absolutely captivating,my interest never wavered.You are a talented and gifted writer.Your form of expressionalism is a fine toned craft.I can hardly wait for the next chapter. A recommended read
Warm regards
No_obstacle
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words. I hope I don't disappoint you.
Comment from RebelRose
Another very good and interesting chapter. It is very well written. I will be glad when the infant is finally safe. You did a good job at building the suspense.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Another very good and interesting chapter. It is very well written. I will be glad when the infant is finally safe. You did a good job at building the suspense.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from jadapenn
Dang - can't award a six. This chapter is full of delicious action and emotion. I can now picture Leya but please tell us what Steven looks like - 6'5" blonde hair, green eyes??? Nope - well tell me or have I missed it along the way. Good dialogue.
One little gremlin:
but came (suddenly) to a [sudden]halt
(gets rid of the dreaded ly word)
There was such a family fight at grandpappy's funeral. Family can be ugly. Have a great weekend. luv jada
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Dang - can't award a six. This chapter is full of delicious action and emotion. I can now picture Leya but please tell us what Steven looks like - 6'5" blonde hair, green eyes??? Nope - well tell me or have I missed it along the way. Good dialogue.
One little gremlin:
but came (suddenly) to a [sudden]halt
(gets rid of the dreaded ly word)
There was such a family fight at grandpappy's funeral. Family can be ugly. Have a great weekend. luv jada
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Sorry about the funeral. Leya description of Steven is coming up. Thank you. I've rewritten that line so often.
Comment from allinmyhead
Your dialogue is very well done. You've created a chapter that keeps the reader's attention from beginning to end.
I only have one or two small suggestions:
Add little bit more color to the characters in this scene. It could be something as simple as the edits to this line
The men's eyes met, and Steven sighed. "Great! We're dealing with another stubborn female." changing it to something like:
Steven met Joe's dangerously narrowed eyes. The muscles in Joe's jaw were clenched in anger. As Steve nodded a warning to stay in control he heard himself saying "Great. We're dealing with another stubborn female." He mentally kicked himself for the outburst.
Or, here a bit of depth can be added, As the elevator door opened... try The compartment shuddered to a stop as the heavy elevator door opened with a nails-on-the-chalkboard whine...
I think what you have written is great. You just have some opportunities here to add a bit more drama to intensify an already good scene.
Good work.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
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Your dialogue is very well done. You've created a chapter that keeps the reader's attention from beginning to end.
I only have one or two small suggestions:
Add little bit more color to the characters in this scene. It could be something as simple as the edits to this line
The men's eyes met, and Steven sighed. "Great! We're dealing with another stubborn female." changing it to something like:
Steven met Joe's dangerously narrowed eyes. The muscles in Joe's jaw were clenched in anger. As Steve nodded a warning to stay in control he heard himself saying "Great. We're dealing with another stubborn female." He mentally kicked himself for the outburst.
Or, here a bit of depth can be added, As the elevator door opened... try The compartment shuddered to a stop as the heavy elevator door opened with a nails-on-the-chalkboard whine...
I think what you have written is great. You just have some opportunities here to add a bit more drama to intensify an already good scene.
Good work.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words and I will copy your suggestions and recheck things.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I think this book has every thing a good book needs... You all ready has made a wonderful introduction, and stop talling the story at a perfect point...
ummm this sound good to me..
"Your English has improved." Steven glared ( ) her before glancing at Matt. Should 'at' be here?
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
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I think this book has every thing a good book needs... You all ready has made a wonderful introduction, and stop talling the story at a perfect point...
ummm this sound good to me..
"Your English has improved." Steven glared ( ) her before glancing at Matt. Should 'at' be here?
Comment Written 07-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
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Darn I put it in there about an hour ago. I'll recheck it. Thank you.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
yes I liked this it has everything needed to entertain and captivate the reader you have done very well with the ending leaving the readers wanting to read more regards Fuller
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
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yes I liked this it has everything needed to entertain and captivate the reader you have done very well with the ending leaving the readers wanting to read more regards Fuller
Comment Written 07-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
