Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 1 Part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
35 total reviews
Comment from Summer Falls
Whoa! You dropped me right in the middle of a kidnapping! Dang, girl, I was already hooked, but now you have me frantically waiting and pacing my living room chanting, "Next chapter, next chapter, Galeron, next chapter next chapter...hey how did Galeron get in there?" lol
Seriously now, I loved this chapter and I am wondering if the brown eyes staring at Steven was the badonka donk shaker from the first half of the chapter?
One thing you may want to think about, Barbara. Matt is a hunky strong and even keeled guy--but his baby was just kidnapped! Shouldn't he be scared shitless? Yeah, he would probably try to hide it--but maybe you could convey that?
Am I making any sense?
Summer
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Whoa! You dropped me right in the middle of a kidnapping! Dang, girl, I was already hooked, but now you have me frantically waiting and pacing my living room chanting, "Next chapter, next chapter, Galeron, next chapter next chapter...hey how did Galeron get in there?" lol
Seriously now, I loved this chapter and I am wondering if the brown eyes staring at Steven was the badonka donk shaker from the first half of the chapter?
One thing you may want to think about, Barbara. Matt is a hunky strong and even keeled guy--but his baby was just kidnapped! Shouldn't he be scared shitless? Yeah, he would probably try to hide it--but maybe you could convey that?
Am I making any sense?
Summer
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Nicnac just said 'Galeron' the same thing. Matt's training would 'Galeron' prohibit that. The reason I haven't said more 'Galeron' about that is I've already taken some 'Galeron' hits, because he has 'Galeron' too big of roll. 'Galeron' So, I'm trying to down play him 'Galeron', as much as possible. I'll 'Galeron' revisit it again. 'Galeron'
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O Galeron kay, Bar Gal ba eron ra. lmao. You crack me up...omg I just realized I tangled you and Galeron all up together....oooh I bet you liked that!
hehe.
Too weird that others picked up on the un-paniced Matt. lmao.
hehe
summer
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I know you're a really busy person, but if you have a few minutes please read empire76's review and tell my what you think.
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Hmmm Well I think she was being helpful, but maybe she doesn't realize that Matt is the head of the team. Yeah, I really do not think you were passive, so I am not sure about that. I think your reply explained where you were coming from though. Very nice response. That reviewer usually takes a lot of time with her reviews and honestly wishes to help. She simply didn't know where you were coming from.
Summer
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She's read my posts from the beginning. She usually gets me on POV. I love her work, she's very talented.
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Yeah I like her. I don't know, I guess we all have our off days. :)
Comment from Nicnac
Oh my gosh, Barbara. I knew it! I knew someone had taken little Emily! Poor Dani. I can only imagine the fear of someone taking your newborn.
I'm so intrigued by this story. Sorry this review is a little late - I'm at the beach and couldn't get a connection until now. (LOL) As soon as I got an internet connection, I signed on to FanStory and clicked on this chapter. haha I'm hooked.
One thing that stood out to me was Matt was not frantic. He seemed to take the news of Emily's kidnapping too well. Perhaps you could mention that he kept calm to hide his frantic fear from Dani, or something like that.
*Dani, weak and upset, fell to (the) floor.
This chapter flowed smoothly and made my heart beat faster. Great work, Barbara. :)
Nic
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Oh my gosh, Barbara. I knew it! I knew someone had taken little Emily! Poor Dani. I can only imagine the fear of someone taking your newborn.
I'm so intrigued by this story. Sorry this review is a little late - I'm at the beach and couldn't get a connection until now. (LOL) As soon as I got an internet connection, I signed on to FanStory and clicked on this chapter. haha I'm hooked.
One thing that stood out to me was Matt was not frantic. He seemed to take the news of Emily's kidnapping too well. Perhaps you could mention that he kept calm to hide his frantic fear from Dani, or something like that.
*Dani, weak and upset, fell to (the) floor.
This chapter flowed smoothly and made my heart beat faster. Great work, Barbara. :)
Nic
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Matt's training, prohibits him from showing too much emotion, I can try to fit that in, but I've already taken a few hits about have too much information about him, so I've tried to down play him a little, but will see what I can do.
Comment from wierdgrace
This is a great chapter, and I must say, it had me hooked again from the start, and the ending was awesome, can not waitd until the next chapter, great ending on this one,,
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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This is a great chapter, and I must say, it had me hooked again from the start, and the ending was awesome, can not waitd until the next chapter, great ending on this one,,
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
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you are so welcome
Comment from empire76
Things are getting interesting. Plot-wise you are on the right path. There's definite danger
I still feel that there isn't enough focus on Steven as is usual in romance novels. It seems clear that Matt is charge here. Matt maybe the boss but he is personally involved here so we need to see Steven take charge. Let us see things from HIS perspective more.
There are a lot of characters here and I wonder if they are necessary. They crowd the scene: Michael and Bob; Jim and Derek,; Eric and Geoff ... are they really necessary? I am thinking you can simply let us know, Steven assigned two teams to review the tapes while another team worked undercover etc etc. Then you reduce the risk of confusing the reader with too many characters.
Also, I noticed A LOT of passive sentences that could easily be made more active and therefore give the chapter a less laid-back feel. This is suspense let it be active. e.g.
1 - The Task Force special reaction team was put on alert in case their specialty was needed.
2- It was decided he was planted inside the hospital in anticipation of Dani's delivery
- "No hablo' Ingles." (I don't speak English.) She focused on Steven.
I found the translation in parentheses od. I'm sure there's a smoother way of doing this.
That's what I picked up. Looking forward to the next chapter
E
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reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Things are getting interesting. Plot-wise you are on the right path. There's definite danger
I still feel that there isn't enough focus on Steven as is usual in romance novels. It seems clear that Matt is charge here. Matt maybe the boss but he is personally involved here so we need to see Steven take charge. Let us see things from HIS perspective more.
There are a lot of characters here and I wonder if they are necessary. They crowd the scene: Michael and Bob; Jim and Derek,; Eric and Geoff ... are they really necessary? I am thinking you can simply let us know, Steven assigned two teams to review the tapes while another team worked undercover etc etc. Then you reduce the risk of confusing the reader with too many characters.
Also, I noticed A LOT of passive sentences that could easily be made more active and therefore give the chapter a less laid-back feel. This is suspense let it be active. e.g.
1 - The Task Force special reaction team was put on alert in case their specialty was needed.
2- It was decided he was planted inside the hospital in anticipation of Dani's delivery
- "No hablo' Ingles." (I don't speak English.) She focused on Steven.
I found the translation in parentheses od. I'm sure there's a smoother way of doing this.
That's what I picked up. Looking forward to the next chapter
E
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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The first time I wrote this and entered a few contests with it so it would get criticed and I was told it was not realistic because these teams always work as teams and my novel needs to reflect an accurate team. Matt and Dani will leave as soon as they leave the hospital, but again to be realistic in this scene Matt needs to be in charge. Now, at the end of this chapter Matt passes the ball over to Steven. Thank you
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Yes, but tell it from Steven's perspective. Matt is in charge but how does the whole issue affect the hero of THIS story? Because right now, your reader's sympathies lie with Matt and Dani rather than Steven.
I guess the main thing to remember from my comments is that: this is Steven's story no matter what is happening. If a reader pops in on this chapter, there should be no doubt about that.
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I will review it and see what I can do. I'm still not sure I completely understand how I can do that, but I will check it out.
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Here's what i read somewhere (don't remember where). Imagine that Steven is the one telling the story rather than you. It might help
Comment from Shane Marquardt
I saw you on the front page with a six-star and just had to read your post for myself. I enjoyed it and would like to follow it. Hope you don't mind if I become a fan. I will have to go back and read the first chapter b/c I feel as though I missed something.
But what a terrifying experience. Just to think me and my wife discussed this just the other night (we are pregnant).
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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I saw you on the front page with a six-star and just had to read your post for myself. I enjoyed it and would like to follow it. Hope you don't mind if I become a fan. I will have to go back and read the first chapter b/c I feel as though I missed something.
But what a terrifying experience. Just to think me and my wife discussed this just the other night (we are pregnant).
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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I'm very happy to have you as a fan. I just hope I don't disappoint you.
Comment from Seaborn
Very good. As enjoyable as the first part of the chapter. I look forward to reading more. Your work flows nicely and your characters are interesting and your subject line definitely hooks the reader. LS
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Very good. As enjoyable as the first part of the chapter. I look forward to reading more. Your work flows nicely and your characters are interesting and your subject line definitely hooks the reader. LS
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from ladybird
A very good follow on chapter. The writing is smooth and the dialogue and actions of the characters carries this forward. You have included a nice bit of mystery, with the Spanish woman entering the room.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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A very good follow on chapter. The writing is smooth and the dialogue and actions of the characters carries this forward. You have included a nice bit of mystery, with the Spanish woman entering the room.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
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You're welcome.
Comment from DeadlyOmega
This was very good. Very well thought out too. I can tell that you must already have a plan for what will happen in accordance to Leya and her knowledge of where Dani's baby is. Great job.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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This was very good. Very well thought out too. I can tell that you must already have a plan for what will happen in accordance to Leya and her knowledge of where Dani's baby is. Great job.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. The book is complete so I know exactly wherre it's all going. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from abishag98
Hi Barbara! Wow! Loved the way you've ended this chapter! Indeed, who is this Leya Maria Santiago Vegas? Is she the shapely gal you "foreshadowed" in chapter 1?
Fast-paced! Lot's of conflict here . . . lot's of mystery. Like a whodunit type story. This is becoming a very intriguing story. I can't wait to read your next chapter!
Good work, Barbara!
-- Wendyl
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Hi Barbara! Wow! Loved the way you've ended this chapter! Indeed, who is this Leya Maria Santiago Vegas? Is she the shapely gal you "foreshadowed" in chapter 1?
Fast-paced! Lot's of conflict here . . . lot's of mystery. Like a whodunit type story. This is becoming a very intriguing story. I can't wait to read your next chapter!
Good work, Barbara!
-- Wendyl
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I'm enjoying your questioning mind. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Joan E.
The bit of Spanish added to the authenticity of the story as did your believable description of the activities of the Task force in trying to locate the kidnapped baby. The suspected you created by the end was very effective.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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The bit of Spanish added to the authenticity of the story as did your believable description of the activities of the Task force in trying to locate the kidnapped baby. The suspected you created by the end was very effective.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.