Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
50 total reviews
Comment from K-Patrick
This looks a lot worse than it is. Most of the comments are comments and suggestions. Very few actual what I consider mistakes. The chapter is good and can most likely stand with only minor edits. My thoughts are:
Before Steven could speak -- Maybe consider 'apologize' instead of 'speak', he is a higher ranking officer.
Matt's been asking about the cocaine. Possibly mention what bust. If it is a task force there may be other cases and cocaine evidence. Maybe something like: "Matt's been asking about the cocaine from the Jones Bust."
Eric and Geoff bought twenty-eight kilos, worth somewhere around $800 thousand on the street. -- Since Eric and Geoff paid for it you may want to say how much and then what the street value is. Buying that much is kind of like a wholesale lot.
"They checked in before I left Task Force." -- I am not sure exactly how your story pans out, but cops like to shorten everything. Task Force is normally TF. You could run with that or even 'before I left T. F. H. Q.'
"Matt and I pulled surveillance during the drug buy. He [We ?] didn't recognize anyone."
"Think he'll ever learn the Chief of Task Force 385 -- Cops like numbers, A vet might say the 385th. Also since this is a dialogue quote 385 should be spelled out (three-eight-five or three hundred...)
As the money and the drugs exchanged hands, Matt got the call Dani was in labor. Is she ready for visitors?" -- Missing Matt reaction to the call. Consider something like: "As the money and the drugs exchanged hands, Matt got the call Dani was in labor. He didn't hesitate to keep the cameras rolling and waited for our guys to get out before he took off. Any word on if she's ready for visitors?"
After I finished the paperwork, I caught a few hours. -- Again you mention what Matt did and then went onto another topic (Steven's sleep) -- At least after I finished the paperwork, I was able to catch a few hours.
"Matt doesn't have a chance." Joe chuckled. -- No indication they are looking at the newborn -- consider something like: "Then Matt doesn't have a chance. Look at that little beauty." Joe chuckled and made faces through the glass.
"How can eyes be intrusive?" Steven asked himself. -- Play with it a bit, he's a suave guy -- "How can such sexy dark eyes be so intrusive?" Steven asked himself.
After receiving a phone call, he entered and kissed Dani's cheek. -- If it is important to say he received the call then from whom, how long and why, may be in order even if it means putting in a preceding line where the phone interrupts his thoughts of the woman.
"Matt, we need to talk; privately." -- Not sure you need semi-colon. If it is for a hesitation use the ... Or make it another sentence in itself.
Hector, Ramon's son, hasn't been effective at running it. It's not them." -- Is he that sure? Maybe "...I pretty sure it's not them." would be more appropriate.
"Peru cartels could be the answer. We haven't dealt with them so we have no information about them." -- They know they exist so they have some info. -- Maybe "...we don't have a lot of info on them."
"Nurse, Nurse, Nurse." The urge to help her infant overcame her and she ran to NICU. -- That is a great hook, but she's screaming - SHOW IT! -- "Nurse. Nurse! NURSE!"
The chapter is written very well and I know this is Romance, but I treated it more like a Crime novel. I think realism will only enhance the story for your readers. Very nice beginning.
K-P :o)
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
  |
This looks a lot worse than it is. Most of the comments are comments and suggestions. Very few actual what I consider mistakes. The chapter is good and can most likely stand with only minor edits. My thoughts are:
Before Steven could speak -- Maybe consider 'apologize' instead of 'speak', he is a higher ranking officer.
Matt's been asking about the cocaine. Possibly mention what bust. If it is a task force there may be other cases and cocaine evidence. Maybe something like: "Matt's been asking about the cocaine from the Jones Bust."
Eric and Geoff bought twenty-eight kilos, worth somewhere around $800 thousand on the street. -- Since Eric and Geoff paid for it you may want to say how much and then what the street value is. Buying that much is kind of like a wholesale lot.
"They checked in before I left Task Force." -- I am not sure exactly how your story pans out, but cops like to shorten everything. Task Force is normally TF. You could run with that or even 'before I left T. F. H. Q.'
"Matt and I pulled surveillance during the drug buy. He [We ?] didn't recognize anyone."
"Think he'll ever learn the Chief of Task Force 385 -- Cops like numbers, A vet might say the 385th. Also since this is a dialogue quote 385 should be spelled out (three-eight-five or three hundred...)
As the money and the drugs exchanged hands, Matt got the call Dani was in labor. Is she ready for visitors?" -- Missing Matt reaction to the call. Consider something like: "As the money and the drugs exchanged hands, Matt got the call Dani was in labor. He didn't hesitate to keep the cameras rolling and waited for our guys to get out before he took off. Any word on if she's ready for visitors?"
After I finished the paperwork, I caught a few hours. -- Again you mention what Matt did and then went onto another topic (Steven's sleep) -- At least after I finished the paperwork, I was able to catch a few hours.
"Matt doesn't have a chance." Joe chuckled. -- No indication they are looking at the newborn -- consider something like: "Then Matt doesn't have a chance. Look at that little beauty." Joe chuckled and made faces through the glass.
"How can eyes be intrusive?" Steven asked himself. -- Play with it a bit, he's a suave guy -- "How can such sexy dark eyes be so intrusive?" Steven asked himself.
After receiving a phone call, he entered and kissed Dani's cheek. -- If it is important to say he received the call then from whom, how long and why, may be in order even if it means putting in a preceding line where the phone interrupts his thoughts of the woman.
"Matt, we need to talk; privately." -- Not sure you need semi-colon. If it is for a hesitation use the ... Or make it another sentence in itself.
Hector, Ramon's son, hasn't been effective at running it. It's not them." -- Is he that sure? Maybe "...I pretty sure it's not them." would be more appropriate.
"Peru cartels could be the answer. We haven't dealt with them so we have no information about them." -- They know they exist so they have some info. -- Maybe "...we don't have a lot of info on them."
"Nurse, Nurse, Nurse." The urge to help her infant overcame her and she ran to NICU. -- That is a great hook, but she's screaming - SHOW IT! -- "Nurse. Nurse! NURSE!"
The chapter is written very well and I know this is Romance, but I treated it more like a Crime novel. I think realism will only enhance the story for your readers. Very nice beginning.
K-P :o)
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
-
Your review is so long, I had to copy it in two sections. Oh dear, now for reading it. From my first novel, although Matt is a higher ranking officer, they are very good friends. Steven and Matt were together and were the look out while other team members bought the cocaine. So they knew what cocaine they were discussing. I tried going shorter to TF385 and an editor through it out. Every once in awhile I will refer to it as Task Force. I said He after the drug buy because, Matt has been at this longer than Steven, from the first book we know Matt hired Steven. Like I said before, an editor changed my shortened name so 385 is out. I'm not disagreeing with you, my husband is active Army and I know they like shortened names, that's why I did it in the first place, but I guess romance editors aren't into shortened names.
I love your last suggestions about Matt getting the call is in labor. I'm on it and the rest of them, I like.
thank you for helping out. I do appeciate your help, Now I need to run over and make some changes. LOL
-
OK. I am here.
-
I just spent three hours making corrections. Just teasing, they were all welcome.
-
I just spent three hours making corrections. Just teasing, they were all welcome.
-
I don't think there was that many corrections. There may have been a few suggestions you chose to edit in, but corrections? Nope. You're too good of a writer to have that many. :o)
-
Thank you. I did appreciate your help and any other assistant you can give me.
Comment from elkay
Well done. Plenty of leads for interesting plot twists.
Good work on the characterisation of Major Steven Albright. I'm assuming he may be the one the Romance theme will centre on.
Maybe we could do a bit more work on seeing him in his underpants, so to speak, to get a feel for his nature and give us a reason to fall in love with his character. Then we are tuned to his interest when he steps off the elavator. Wouldn't have to be much. One paragraph should do. See him mooning over lost love(or missed love)perhaps.
This may just be my perception and you might have a deeper twist lined up.
Over all great reading, looking forward to seeing how it unfolds.
Regards
elkay
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
Well done. Plenty of leads for interesting plot twists.
Good work on the characterisation of Major Steven Albright. I'm assuming he may be the one the Romance theme will centre on.
Maybe we could do a bit more work on seeing him in his underpants, so to speak, to get a feel for his nature and give us a reason to fall in love with his character. Then we are tuned to his interest when he steps off the elavator. Wouldn't have to be much. One paragraph should do. See him mooning over lost love(or missed love)perhaps.
This may just be my perception and you might have a deeper twist lined up.
Over all great reading, looking forward to seeing how it unfolds.
Regards
elkay
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
In my next chapter you will get a good glimpse of Steven and see if he'll interest you. I have a feeling he will
Comment from Freeflyer
This is a good start to what could be a very good story. There is always action with stories relating to drugs so I look forward to that. I will continue to read. I could find no mistakes.
Freeflyer
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
|
This is a good start to what could be a very good story. There is always action with stories relating to drugs so I look forward to that. I will continue to read. I could find no mistakes.
Freeflyer
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I hope I don't disappoint you. It is a romance, but a side story.
Comment from abishag98
Hi Barbara! I was reading your chapter 2 and thought since you're just started this story, I'd go back to the 1st chapter start fresh.
The way you've started this chapter makes me wonder if there is more of the story prior to this that I haven't read.
Anyway, though you've said that there's not a lot of action, you have done a good job of introducing the characters as you've said. I love the pace of this story: fast! And your dialogue is very good.
I'm guessing after have read the 2nd chapter that you're foreshadowing the shapely woman. This is good as it causing the reader to think about how she fits in to the scheme of your story line.
Good writing! Thanks!
-- Wendyl
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
|
Hi Barbara! I was reading your chapter 2 and thought since you're just started this story, I'd go back to the 1st chapter start fresh.
The way you've started this chapter makes me wonder if there is more of the story prior to this that I haven't read.
Anyway, though you've said that there's not a lot of action, you have done a good job of introducing the characters as you've said. I love the pace of this story: fast! And your dialogue is very good.
I'm guessing after have read the 2nd chapter that you're foreshadowing the shapely woman. This is good as it causing the reader to think about how she fits in to the scheme of your story line.
Good writing! Thanks!
-- Wendyl
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
-
This is a sequel to my first manuscript. I finished posting it last week. It's about 3 years after the first one. Thank you for your review.
Comment from mjfande
This is an excellent first chapter. Everything flows very nicely. The suspense at the end makes up for the lack of action in the rest of the writing.
Good luck on the book, and in your writing.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
|
This is an excellent first chapter. Everything flows very nicely. The suspense at the end makes up for the lack of action in the rest of the writing.
Good luck on the book, and in your writing.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I apprciate your reading and kind words.
Comment from fictionwriter
I enjoyed reading this piece, but I felt that as a writer that you're really chopping up the rules. It's not hard and fast, but most will tell you to only have one POV in a scene. You've done too many changes in this one chapter. Especially in the first chapter, it should only be in one POV. You can show the same scenes in a different POV in a seperate chapter. Just don't start changing until you've really got your readers to know each character more intimately. The story read well in spite of that though, so just watch the POV's and you'll have a winner.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
 |
I enjoyed reading this piece, but I felt that as a writer that you're really chopping up the rules. It's not hard and fast, but most will tell you to only have one POV in a scene. You've done too many changes in this one chapter. Especially in the first chapter, it should only be in one POV. You can show the same scenes in a different POV in a seperate chapter. Just don't start changing until you've really got your readers to know each character more intimately. The story read well in spite of that though, so just watch the POV's and you'll have a winner.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review and your opinion.
The research I've done, said, in romance writing, that it's all right to switch POV's when you acknowldge that you've done it. Which I have. The research states that, in romance, you need to make your hero and heroine two-dimensional characters so your readers can identify with them. The research indicates that the time of the heroine being the only POV is over. I really don't see how this chapter could be done any other way. If I chopped it up into each person's POV it would end being done in 4 chapters. I really don't think that would work.
-
One of the leading romance writers is the one who lectured me on the pov's. She said after you've developed the characters well at least half way through the book, then you can start hopping. However the publishers really frown on it. But it's your story and you know how you want it to read. Just letting you in on the things I learned before I got my first book published. I wish you all the best.
-
I know and it's confusting. I've been told as long as I keep them separated by a large space, which I do in my copy of a manuscript, or use the ***, which I do on FS, because some of my fans didn't like the large space, I'm all right. Since I started using ***, you're the only one that's questioned my POV, so I thought I had it handled.
I read another lady's work a few days ago and in her notes she commented that she was taking a course in POV, so I questioned her and she pretty much told me the same thing I read doing the research.
I had an agent, a while back and he never questioned anything about my POV, and I was not as careful about as I am now. Now I keep it separated by a space, back then I had it spread all over. We'll see.
Thank you for your concern I do appreciate it.
Comment from learning_to_write
This is a really interesting piece of writing, and I loved how you ended this chapter, you've really set this up for the next one. Good read, I'll look forward to reading the next installment.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
|
This is a really interesting piece of writing, and I loved how you ended this chapter, you've really set this up for the next one. Good read, I'll look forward to reading the next installment.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your reading. I'm hoping to post this evening.
Comment from Comanche
A nice premise and a good cast of characters... The action can come later...! The intrigue is plausible and the writing straight forward and accessible...
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
|
A nice premise and a good cast of characters... The action can come later...! The intrigue is plausible and the writing straight forward and accessible...
Comment Written 02-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your reading.
Comment from jadapenn
Action, tension and terrific dialogue give this new novel its own adrenaline rush. Lovely chapter, Barbara. I see we already have two children. Matt and Dani have been working overtime. And now it looks like baby has been kidnapped by tantalising eyes.
Good hanger. This proves to be a real action packed novel. luv jada
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
|
Action, tension and terrific dialogue give this new novel its own adrenaline rush. Lovely chapter, Barbara. I see we already have two children. Matt and Dani have been working overtime. And now it looks like baby has been kidnapped by tantalising eyes.
Good hanger. This proves to be a real action packed novel. luv jada
Comment Written 02-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
-
Thank you. What and see what happens next. I'm hoping to get it posted today. I've spent all afternoon, ordering clothes for my baby. At 6'5" I have to special order his things or he can't keep his shirt tucked in.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
There is a lot of action but you have managed to keep it interesting and intriguing.
Early in the story, there is an anticipation and of unease which indicates that all is not well.
The dialogue is believable and the characters interesting.
Will look out for further chapters.
Juliette
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
|
There is a lot of action but you have managed to keep it interesting and intriguing.
Early in the story, there is an anticipation and of unease which indicates that all is not well.
The dialogue is believable and the characters interesting.
Will look out for further chapters.
Juliette
Comment Written 02-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
-
Thank you I appreciate your review. Thank you again for your kind words.
