I am dying
What it feels like to know one is dying.20 total reviews
Comment from Marjorie D.
Al, I read this yesterday. I waited until I could put some very serious thought went into my reply. First, I'm so sorry to hear about your prognosis. It's possible there could be some medical advancement in that time to help your situation. Hopefully that will be the case.
Whether that happens or not, though, this is how I feel. Call it fatalistic or pragmatic, I guess, but it's just my way of thinking. We all know we're going to die. None of us, with the possible exception of people on death row, know exactly when that will happen. When a diagnosis of a serious illness is made, there are still no guarantees of accuracy. A person living with a terminal disease may be crossing the street one day and be hit and killed by a reckless driver well before their "time" was supposed to be up. Another might beat the odds and live well beyond the predictions, or miraculously beat the disease altogether. Nobody really knows.
Frankly, I think it's a waste of time worrying about it. Still, having some knowledge of our approximate "expiration date" can be either a curse or a blessing. Ranting and railing against G-d will only make the remainder of our days miserable. On the other hand, making sure our "business" is taken care of and then going on about our lives with the acceptance that life is temporary for us all can free us to live life to the fullest as long as possible.
Acceptance is not the same thing as giving up, though. Life should be enjoyed, but not recklessly. Do what pleases you while abiding by whatever medical advice you can that doesn't entirely impede that, Al. I wish this burden hadn't been placed on your shoulders; it's a heavy load. Be strong. Live well. I'll be thinking of you.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Al, I read this yesterday. I waited until I could put some very serious thought went into my reply. First, I'm so sorry to hear about your prognosis. It's possible there could be some medical advancement in that time to help your situation. Hopefully that will be the case.
Whether that happens or not, though, this is how I feel. Call it fatalistic or pragmatic, I guess, but it's just my way of thinking. We all know we're going to die. None of us, with the possible exception of people on death row, know exactly when that will happen. When a diagnosis of a serious illness is made, there are still no guarantees of accuracy. A person living with a terminal disease may be crossing the street one day and be hit and killed by a reckless driver well before their "time" was supposed to be up. Another might beat the odds and live well beyond the predictions, or miraculously beat the disease altogether. Nobody really knows.
Frankly, I think it's a waste of time worrying about it. Still, having some knowledge of our approximate "expiration date" can be either a curse or a blessing. Ranting and railing against G-d will only make the remainder of our days miserable. On the other hand, making sure our "business" is taken care of and then going on about our lives with the acceptance that life is temporary for us all can free us to live life to the fullest as long as possible.
Acceptance is not the same thing as giving up, though. Life should be enjoyed, but not recklessly. Do what pleases you while abiding by whatever medical advice you can that doesn't entirely impede that, Al. I wish this burden hadn't been placed on your shoulders; it's a heavy load. Be strong. Live well. I'll be thinking of you.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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You are so very kind. You truly understand. This is the conclusion I have come to, based on ancient Greek philosophy. Serenity/Happiness is a means between two extremes--e.g. depression and license.
Comment from Helvi2
Hi Alvin,
I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope what I've written helps.
My advice would be to follow your heart and let it guide you. You have already stated what you want and what you don't want. What's right for others may not be right for you. Ease yourself into what you feel comfortable doing.
Don't give up the things you feel you would be lost without.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and though what I feel, can not be measured by what you're going through, I know the feeling of looking in an abyss. Writing has helped me ease the pressure of my biological nightmare and it has given me something else too. Knowing I can make other people happy through my writing makes me smile from ear to ear. I am not only helping myself, I am helping others find a few seconds of happiness.
If you find that same kind of happiness (it sounds like you do),in your writing and lecturing about poetry, don't stop.
It is what you live for that makes life wonderful, for without it, life doesn't mean much.
These are just my personal thoughts on the subject. This may not be what you're looking for but I hope what I've written helps in some way.
My prayers are with you,
Helvi
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Hi Alvin,
I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope what I've written helps.
My advice would be to follow your heart and let it guide you. You have already stated what you want and what you don't want. What's right for others may not be right for you. Ease yourself into what you feel comfortable doing.
Don't give up the things you feel you would be lost without.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and though what I feel, can not be measured by what you're going through, I know the feeling of looking in an abyss. Writing has helped me ease the pressure of my biological nightmare and it has given me something else too. Knowing I can make other people happy through my writing makes me smile from ear to ear. I am not only helping myself, I am helping others find a few seconds of happiness.
If you find that same kind of happiness (it sounds like you do),in your writing and lecturing about poetry, don't stop.
It is what you live for that makes life wonderful, for without it, life doesn't mean much.
These are just my personal thoughts on the subject. This may not be what you're looking for but I hope what I've written helps in some way.
My prayers are with you,
Helvi
Comment Written 03-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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No, this kind of encouragement was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much.
Comment from honeytree
Hi.Alvin I guess you have to do what the doctors suggest. Can you lecture on-line somehow? Drinking to much wine can affect our liver, kidneys, heart and circulatory system.
I feel as we are getting older we have to cut back on many parties and drinking, perhaps every now and then. One can become very tired going to parties all the time. When we get older we have to cut back. Talking to someone who can help you. It is a good idea to meditate and relax with music. I hope I have helped you. Walking in a park can be relaxing.
I liked how you wrote these words.
Keep well and cut down on to many activities.
Honeytree
("Cream Of w(W)heat)
cut out "( )"
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Hi.Alvin I guess you have to do what the doctors suggest. Can you lecture on-line somehow? Drinking to much wine can affect our liver, kidneys, heart and circulatory system.
I feel as we are getting older we have to cut back on many parties and drinking, perhaps every now and then. One can become very tired going to parties all the time. When we get older we have to cut back. Talking to someone who can help you. It is a good idea to meditate and relax with music. I hope I have helped you. Walking in a park can be relaxing.
I liked how you wrote these words.
Keep well and cut down on to many activities.
Honeytree
("Cream Of w(W)heat)
cut out "( )"
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Yes, I am a workaholic. You see that well. I am cutting down now, and doing the things I love.
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I am glad you are cutting down.
I really enjoy reading your work.
I feel you rest more , that will give you more energy.
Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
Didyou by anychance read "The Christmas Tree " and "Journey on the 609."
I hope my words in the Christmas tree helps you.
Honeytree.
Comment from Janilou
Al, I am speechless.
Notes:
Being taken care of by other?
others
I am fighting off a severe cold right now, and can't think straight, but the only thing that comes to mind right now, is that I will pray for healing for you. God knows we need you. I need you.
Hugs,
Jan
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Al, I am speechless.
Notes:
Being taken care of by other?
others
I am fighting off a severe cold right now, and can't think straight, but the only thing that comes to mind right now, is that I will pray for healing for you. God knows we need you. I need you.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Yes, and you have kept me alive many times, but you know that.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Alvin,
I read your message you have a lot on on your mind and I can see that it is troubling you.
Now do you know -Louie Crew?
He is a Teacher, poet, credited with founding Integrity.
Gert
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Hello Alvin,
I read your message you have a lot on on your mind and I can see that it is troubling you.
Now do you know -Louie Crew?
He is a Teacher, poet, credited with founding Integrity.
Gert
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Yes, and find him arrogant and egotistical. I am the one who changed the minds of the people of the diocese in Los Angeles about gay people with the help of the former Bishop. What views of ANY diocese has Crew changed? Thanks for a good review.
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Alvin ,
you are so welcome
Gert
Comment from c_lucas
I see much more in your writing than I am willing to talk about in this public message. Also, I make it a point not to go where I am not wanted. If you wish for to tell you what I see. Send ma a private messasge. c_lucas
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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I see much more in your writing than I am willing to talk about in this public message. Also, I make it a point not to go where I am not wanted. If you wish for to tell you what I see. Send ma a private messasge. c_lucas
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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I have written all I can at this point. But I shall keep your kind offer in mind. Thank you.
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You're welcome, Alvin. No man should be made to suffer because of his point of view. Charlie
Comment from babylonia
i am so sorry to hear this. so many thoughts are going through my mind. it would help to know more about what you face. liver comes to mind but i could be pulling at strings. how bad do you feel? i guess what i am saying is three months is a number. doctors aren't always right. i have kissed death many times and i am still here. if i were you i would be angry. then i would try to do all the things i have wanted to do. i am trying to think inspirational and my mind is a blank. maybe i can think of something later.
i did see one possible spaggie.
Being taken care of by others (change other to others)
my heart is with you.
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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i am so sorry to hear this. so many thoughts are going through my mind. it would help to know more about what you face. liver comes to mind but i could be pulling at strings. how bad do you feel? i guess what i am saying is three months is a number. doctors aren't always right. i have kissed death many times and i am still here. if i were you i would be angry. then i would try to do all the things i have wanted to do. i am trying to think inspirational and my mind is a blank. maybe i can think of something later.
i did see one possible spaggie.
Being taken care of by others (change other to others)
my heart is with you.
love,
barbara
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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I made the grammatical correction. Thank you for your consistent loyalty and support.
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you are very welcome!
Comment from Judian James
Well Al, you already know how I feel from our PM's. I would opt for the three years of living the way I love unless there is hope if you live on Cream of Wheat for a few years, they may figure out the cure. I don't quite understand in this day of scientfic and medical advances, why they can't figure out your potassium situation and fix it. In any event, I'm sure you're researching like crazy to figure out the best direction to take. Take care Al.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Well Al, you already know how I feel from our PM's. I would opt for the three years of living the way I love unless there is hope if you live on Cream of Wheat for a few years, they may figure out the cure. I don't quite understand in this day of scientfic and medical advances, why they can't figure out your potassium situation and fix it. In any event, I'm sure you're researching like crazy to figure out the best direction to take. Take care Al.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Yes, and you have kept me alive many times. Even our "arguments" make me want to fight and live! Thanks for being you.
Comment from Terror2s
Interesting that you prefer no religious advice since my experience is that the closer one gets to death, the more he/she seems to hold on to G-d. Perhaps, that is because all tangible avenues have closed. Having said that I am not sure I'd cling to the religion either. There is a country song called "Live like You are Dying". If you are not familiar with it, you may want to listen to it. Basically, it is about someone who does pretty much what he wants - the idea being that there should be no regrets in the end. Having not been there, it is tough to say what I'd do, but here are some ideas and health permitting I think I'd do them:
I am guessing you are Jewish by the G-d and your knowledge of Hebrew - I believe that G-d would want you to live life to the fullest with the time you have left so fit in as much as you can that is important to you.
If you have any rifts with family or friends, settle them and make the first call. Die knowing you were the best you could be.
If you have any desires that are still physically and financially possible- either dreams to fulfill or things you regret not doing - go for it.
Oh, and just in the case - go for that second or third opinion - I have a friend who was misdiagnosed with a rare form of cancer - fortunately, his third opinion saved his life.
Also, I volunteer for hospice, which is comfort care for people that know they are going to die and have refused other treatment. Most people when they fear death, fear dying alone, dying in pain, or fear when they are going to die. No one knows what death feels like, but I would imagine that we all passed into this world uncertain of the experience, but we made it through. I like to think of death as simply another passageway. Anyway, I've said a lot and I don't even know if I'm really responding to something biographical. Oh, and by the way, keep in perspective that we are all dying - just some of us have a time frame, but some people without a time frame will die before you- tragic accidents happen everyday, and medical science has limitations. We have people in hospice that live way beyond their expected time of death. The ones that do the best seem to be the ones that maintain their will to live because they have things to anticipate and look forward to. Anyway, I hope this was helpful. Good luck and keep on doing what you enjoy to the extent that you can. Oh, dear- see you've inspired a whole litany of an essay. Maybe I should make a contest on a response to something like this, what do you think? I think you did a nice job of zoning in on the way people feel when they are diagnosed with an incurable illness. I actually responded to your question and forgot to give feedback on the piece. Sorry. Your author notes were interesting, although I don't think as realistic as the rest of the piece for reasons earlier stated. Anyway, this was a thought-provoking piece that I could actually envision as a monologue in a play. You did a nice job capturing the gamat of emotions that people struggle with in that situation- based on my hospice experience anyway. Sorry this is so long. For fun, you got me thinking about it, and I am home today. Terror
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reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Interesting that you prefer no religious advice since my experience is that the closer one gets to death, the more he/she seems to hold on to G-d. Perhaps, that is because all tangible avenues have closed. Having said that I am not sure I'd cling to the religion either. There is a country song called "Live like You are Dying". If you are not familiar with it, you may want to listen to it. Basically, it is about someone who does pretty much what he wants - the idea being that there should be no regrets in the end. Having not been there, it is tough to say what I'd do, but here are some ideas and health permitting I think I'd do them:
I am guessing you are Jewish by the G-d and your knowledge of Hebrew - I believe that G-d would want you to live life to the fullest with the time you have left so fit in as much as you can that is important to you.
If you have any rifts with family or friends, settle them and make the first call. Die knowing you were the best you could be.
If you have any desires that are still physically and financially possible- either dreams to fulfill or things you regret not doing - go for it.
Oh, and just in the case - go for that second or third opinion - I have a friend who was misdiagnosed with a rare form of cancer - fortunately, his third opinion saved his life.
Also, I volunteer for hospice, which is comfort care for people that know they are going to die and have refused other treatment. Most people when they fear death, fear dying alone, dying in pain, or fear when they are going to die. No one knows what death feels like, but I would imagine that we all passed into this world uncertain of the experience, but we made it through. I like to think of death as simply another passageway. Anyway, I've said a lot and I don't even know if I'm really responding to something biographical. Oh, and by the way, keep in perspective that we are all dying - just some of us have a time frame, but some people without a time frame will die before you- tragic accidents happen everyday, and medical science has limitations. We have people in hospice that live way beyond their expected time of death. The ones that do the best seem to be the ones that maintain their will to live because they have things to anticipate and look forward to. Anyway, I hope this was helpful. Good luck and keep on doing what you enjoy to the extent that you can. Oh, dear- see you've inspired a whole litany of an essay. Maybe I should make a contest on a response to something like this, what do you think? I think you did a nice job of zoning in on the way people feel when they are diagnosed with an incurable illness. I actually responded to your question and forgot to give feedback on the piece. Sorry. Your author notes were interesting, although I don't think as realistic as the rest of the piece for reasons earlier stated. Anyway, this was a thought-provoking piece that I could actually envision as a monologue in a play. You did a nice job capturing the gamat of emotions that people struggle with in that situation- based on my hospice experience anyway. Sorry this is so long. For fun, you got me thinking about it, and I am home today. Terror
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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The story told is totally realistic. The judge would not have looked at the District Attorney with such contempt if it wasn't. However, you do give good advice. Straighten up broken relationships is the first step to dying with dignity. Oh, I am not Jewish; I am nominally Christian, but I taught Judaism on the college level for years (I am one of the few goyim who can read the Mikrot Gedolet.)
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Oh, Alvin, I just couldn't
begin to imagine how you
must feel. If I only knew
the right words... it pains
me to know you're suffering,
and yet you won't allow words
of comfort.
Being taken care of by other?
by another --- or by others...
I will pray for you whether you
want me to or not.
Margaret.
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reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Oh, Alvin, I just couldn't
begin to imagine how you
must feel. If I only knew
the right words... it pains
me to know you're suffering,
and yet you won't allow words
of comfort.
Being taken care of by other?
by another --- or by others...
I will pray for you whether you
want me to or not.
Margaret.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Do pray, but to a rational, realistic God, not a child's fantasy. I hope you understand.
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I do, Alvin - I've been full
of despair through constant
illness, operations, and devastating
loss, but of course, nothing as
soul-destroying as what you must
be going through, my friend.
Margaret.