Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Making Plans"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
19 total reviews
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
He approached Andy, bright green eyes wide, staring -[ not sure about repeat of 'green eyes']
'What you're really saying is that you are going to kill me and my wife in two weeks. Why not just lay it out on the table." He grinned.' - [Excellent!]
'He nodded. "She's in there." The man hesitated and shrugged. "There is no way out of here, so don't waste your efforts in trying to escape. The bars are set into the windowsill with cement. There is a small kitchen around that corner and the refrigerator is stocked with sandwiches and sodas. Coffee in the cupboard as well. Use your time in an efficient manner, Doctor. The clock just began." - [A toilet may be useful! LOL]
'As she passed the desk, she grabbed a pencil and a pad of paper.' -[ to be more 'active' and also to avoid repetition of 'she', perhaps; 'She passed the desk, and grabbed---' ]
''How long have you been in this house?' "Just fine, Candace. They're over at Jane's farm, so don't worry." ' [ This seems back to front, following her question and extra speach marks]
involved in this. They took me to his cabin first.' [although looks awkward, shouldn't speach marks be closed?]
What would be the point, anyway, we'd be dead." [ this all looks untidy to me, though I know what you're doing. Wouldn't it be best to start a new paragraph for these notes, which would make things clearer, in my opinion ] 'I know. They took me there before they brought me here. I can't believe it.'
He chuckled. "Right back at ya." He pointed at the cupboards on the other side of the room and nodded, then glanced at the other room. Nodding once, he turned away. {to be more 'active' I'd suggest - 'He nodded once and turned away' ]
'We'll have a better chance of getting away if we do that." - [? to be 'active', maybe; chance to get away']
Another goody, Gayle with excellent dialogue of them catching up, reminding readers of the plot, and descriptions of the 'prison'.
Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
He approached Andy, bright green eyes wide, staring -[ not sure about repeat of 'green eyes']
'What you're really saying is that you are going to kill me and my wife in two weeks. Why not just lay it out on the table." He grinned.' - [Excellent!]
'He nodded. "She's in there." The man hesitated and shrugged. "There is no way out of here, so don't waste your efforts in trying to escape. The bars are set into the windowsill with cement. There is a small kitchen around that corner and the refrigerator is stocked with sandwiches and sodas. Coffee in the cupboard as well. Use your time in an efficient manner, Doctor. The clock just began." - [A toilet may be useful! LOL]
'As she passed the desk, she grabbed a pencil and a pad of paper.' -[ to be more 'active' and also to avoid repetition of 'she', perhaps; 'She passed the desk, and grabbed---' ]
''How long have you been in this house?' "Just fine, Candace. They're over at Jane's farm, so don't worry." ' [ This seems back to front, following her question and extra speach marks]
involved in this. They took me to his cabin first.' [although looks awkward, shouldn't speach marks be closed?]
What would be the point, anyway, we'd be dead." [ this all looks untidy to me, though I know what you're doing. Wouldn't it be best to start a new paragraph for these notes, which would make things clearer, in my opinion ] 'I know. They took me there before they brought me here. I can't believe it.'
He chuckled. "Right back at ya." He pointed at the cupboards on the other side of the room and nodded, then glanced at the other room. Nodding once, he turned away. {to be more 'active' I'd suggest - 'He nodded once and turned away' ]
'We'll have a better chance of getting away if we do that." - [? to be 'active', maybe; chance to get away']
Another goody, Gayle with excellent dialogue of them catching up, reminding readers of the plot, and descriptions of the 'prison'.
Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hey Ray,
Okay, all those "'s. In the ms, what they are writing/reading is in italics so I didn't need the punctuation, but here, I won't deal with EE, so I can't do italics. If you had the chance to read the ms, you'd see what I mean.
The bath is in the bedroom! LOL! I really liked your other suggestion...took out two references to green eyes...also, we have too much nodding and staring going on and I'll make a strong edit, for sure.
Thank you so much for the time and your edits!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
I did enjoyed and that very much so. i wondered if they were Cameras though? they cannot hear but Can't they see? It puzzled me quite a lot.In fact ,most CCVs cannot detect sound but can detect "sight".
Stephy.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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I did enjoyed and that very much so. i wondered if they were Cameras though? they cannot hear but Can't they see? It puzzled me quite a lot.In fact ,most CCVs cannot detect sound but can detect "sight".
Stephy.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hi Stephy,
Hey, great question. I never thought about a camera. I'm not even sure she's right about the sound, but we'll see.
Thanks so much for the great comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Readywriter52
Both Andy and Candace are brave. They first catch up on all the news and then they try to escape. Andy thinks that no matter what happens they will both die in two weeks. That gives them little incentive to cooperate and a lot of incentive to escape.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Both Andy and Candace are brave. They first catch up on all the news and then they try to escape. Andy thinks that no matter what happens they will both die in two weeks. That gives them little incentive to cooperate and a lot of incentive to escape.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hey RW,
You got it, let me tell you! Really might as well go for the gusto. I thank you so much for your loyalty and wonderful comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Oh, good. I'm so glad that Andy has found some tools to use. I can't believe the Russians were so careless. I hope it isn't a trap. I love the way you have the husband and wife work so well together. Great job, Gayle.
He engulfed her, shaking, tears [squirting==>cascading] from his eyes.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Oh, good. I'm so glad that Andy has found some tools to use. I can't believe the Russians were so careless. I hope it isn't a trap. I love the way you have the husband and wife work so well together. Great job, Gayle.
He engulfed her, shaking, tears [squirting==>cascading] from his eyes.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hey Renie,
Well, I had to find something that might work and well, you know how men are about the back of the cupboard, so I guess we have to suspend the disbelief a bit. I can't thank you enough for the great comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from adewpearl
Since I've only read one chapter, I obviously don't know everything that is going on, but this seems like a very interesting thriller with characters that are easy to know, especially through their interaction with each other. I like the woman's spunk.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Since I've only read one chapter, I obviously don't know everything that is going on, but this seems like a very interesting thriller with characters that are easy to know, especially through their interaction with each other. I like the woman's spunk.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hi Pearl,
Thank you for stopping by and for the kind comments. Hope to see you again,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
Very well written with suspense mounting. The good dialogue and smooth flow of words makes this a very easy read. There is good imager and descriptive design.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Very well written with suspense mounting. The good dialogue and smooth flow of words makes this a very easy read. There is good imager and descriptive design.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hey Charlie,
Sure appreciate the R&R and your kind comments! Thanks!
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're welcome, Gayle
Comment from bluetwo
Nice, suspensful chapter with some good dialog. I have trouble believing cold fusion, but it makes for a good story, and we can all hope it's true.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Nice, suspensful chapter with some good dialog. I have trouble believing cold fusion, but it makes for a good story, and we can all hope it's true.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Hey Blue,
Thanks for the fine comments...most appreciated. Google Cold Fusion and see how real this actually is. Exciting stuff, about twenty years out, but one of these days...
Thanks, and hope to see you again,
Gayle
Comment from Writewoman
The world loves a good spy thriller and you are well on your way with 26 chapters. I found segment a bit confusing, however, because the male characters are usually referred to as "he." Try calling the bad guy nasty names to paint clearer and more dynamic scenes.
Our government is determined that yours will not reach a goal which will once again diminish our position in the world. -- Awkward. Try "Our governmet is determined to prevent yours from again diminishing our position in the world."
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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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The world loves a good spy thriller and you are well on your way with 26 chapters. I found segment a bit confusing, however, because the male characters are usually referred to as "he." Try calling the bad guy nasty names to paint clearer and more dynamic scenes.
Our government is determined that yours will not reach a goal which will once again diminish our position in the world. -- Awkward. Try "Our governmet is determined to prevent yours from again diminishing our position in the world."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Hello Barb,
Well, as I warned, when one comes into the ending chapters of the book it is hard to give a fair or accurate review. I don't want to use gratituous names like that because regular readers know full well who these men are.
I'm keeping the dialogue of the Russians halting, deliberately showing that English is not their natural language.
Comment from Korton
Another excellent chapter Gayle, At least now, Andy knows that Candice is generally OK. Hopefully the screwdriver will help get through the locked door, however, if Andy still has his blackberry, he should be able to have an army of SWAT there very shortly. Very well done.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Another excellent chapter Gayle, At least now, Andy knows that Candice is generally OK. Hopefully the screwdriver will help get through the locked door, however, if Andy still has his blackberry, he should be able to have an army of SWAT there very shortly. Very well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Hey Korton,
It's not a blackberry, it's something he takes notes on but it doesn't go anywhere. What he's going to do is send an email to Jim and tell their location.
I'm not really up to date on the names of these gadgets. Is a Palm Pilot more than an electronic notebook?
Thanks so much for the comments. I'm ready to go eat worms, as you can imagine.
Newbies!
Hugs,
Gayle
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My bad, I don't know where I came up with blackberry, yeah, the palm pilot is an organizer, sorry 'bout that
