Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Sadie"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
18 total reviews
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is excellent writing and a thoroughly good chapter. You sure know Dobermans. And yes, the dogs we've owned with cropped tails, a cocker spaniel and, long ago, a miniature schnauzer both wiggled their butts. They probably thought they still had tails.
One thing I wonder. Is Sara going to be difficult?
I found one small nit:
"I guess it [it had or it'd] better be me." Since this is in quotes, you don't need to change it.
Dave M
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Gayle,
This is excellent writing and a thoroughly good chapter. You sure know Dobermans. And yes, the dogs we've owned with cropped tails, a cocker spaniel and, long ago, a miniature schnauzer both wiggled their butts. They probably thought they still had tails.
One thing I wonder. Is Sara going to be difficult?
I found one small nit:
"I guess it [it had or it'd] better be me." Since this is in quotes, you don't need to change it.
Dave M
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Oh Dave,
That tail thing? I had a Boxer growing up, and his butt would actually get going so fast, he'd bounce from one hind leg to another, real quick, like a hula. Just a riot.
I think Sara is going to be a riot. She's just bratty enough to have a strong personality. I think I see a budding heroine! In the next chapter, I'm going to describe them. Funny, with me, my characters develop themselves. Candace went first in this book..others to follow! Crazy way to write!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Gayle,
All my characters develop themselves, and sometimes in ways contrary to what I expected. This is what good writing is about. The subconscious mind has to be engaged, or else the writing is just cerebral and not very interesting.
Dave M
Comment from c_lucas
A wonderful chapter about bonding with a proffessionally trained dog. You have a definite skill in dialogue. You have good imagery and descriptive scheme. Very well written.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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A wonderful chapter about bonding with a proffessionally trained dog. You have a definite skill in dialogue. You have good imagery and descriptive scheme. Very well written.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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'Morning, Charlie,
What a nice review to read with my first cuppa. Thanks for the kind word and I hope to see you again soon...have a great finish to your weekend,
Gayle
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You're welcome, Gayle. Charlie
Comment from Kym Jade
Wow the dogs are trained that well at 8 months. Candace sure fell in love with the dog fast. I can see Sadie being a very spoilt loyal dog for them. Looking forward to more.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Wow the dogs are trained that well at 8 months. Candace sure fell in love with the dog fast. I can see Sadie being a very spoilt loyal dog for them. Looking forward to more.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Boyar Ladies! HA! Fooled ya!
When you consider the dogs work with a trained professional on a daily basis, it's not too surprising. Now, of course, they can't do all the things Tony can do, but they're heading in the right direction.
Ah, the love of a good dog can melt even the coldest heart. We'll find out why Candace is shy around dogs in the next chapter.
So good to see you and we'll talk soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Oh, Gayle, I'm fairly swooning over the interaction with Candace and Sadie. Isn't it wonderful how they can just sense the love each other wants and needs? Do you have Dobermans too? We can't even train our chihuahua. Sheez!
Suggestion:
"What you're looking for is a companion[/]guard combination."
but the itinerary is [a] killer and they'd have a terrible time.
Renie
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Oh, Gayle, I'm fairly swooning over the interaction with Candace and Sadie. Isn't it wonderful how they can just sense the love each other wants and needs? Do you have Dobermans too? We can't even train our chihuahua. Sheez!
Suggestion:
"What you're looking for is a companion[/]guard combination."
but the itinerary is [a] killer and they'd have a terrible time.
Renie
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Hey Renie,
Not any more, but I used to. They are the best, but they're very strong-willed. You have to establish your dominance...they respect the Alpha dog. I got the / in there, too. Looks better. Will round up an A as well.
I'm thrilled you like the interaction with the dog. I have a feeling that in the future, they're going to have some unusual adventures.
Thanks again,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Hi annabelle,
You sure got this story moving in a hurry. That's anexcellent job of character introduction with the Bakers. I am a bit worried about the stalker though. I'll drop you a note with a couple of notions that have been buggin' me.
Freddie
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Hi annabelle,
You sure got this story moving in a hurry. That's anexcellent job of character introduction with the Bakers. I am a bit worried about the stalker though. I'll drop you a note with a couple of notions that have been buggin' me.
Freddie
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Hi Freddie,
Well, my best friend and mentor 'used' to say how I needed action, had to pick up the pace, make something happen. Well, he was right, and now, I'm "shot from guns" and leaving them breathless. He always knows what he's talking about! :-)
I'll wait for your note, my friend,
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Korton
Excellent chapter. I'm already hooked again. I really like the way you tell these stories, and as The Cajun said, the addition of children or animals to a story seems to add an additional spark. Very well done.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Excellent chapter. I'm already hooked again. I really like the way you tell these stories, and as The Cajun said, the addition of children or animals to a story seems to add an additional spark. Very well done.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Hey Frank,
What a wonderful review. I thank you so much for your continued support and kind comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Emotional and enthralling chapter. The meeting of the dog was excuted with emotion and tenderness. Your experience in working with animals shows brightly in this chapter!
For your consideration:
Candace hesitated a moment then pulled out her cell. - For clarity (even tho' most Americans know what you mean), you may want to put 'cell phone' on this first reference, just feels more complete. Also, you may want to have her dial or push a couple buttons (even say something about the beeping as she pushed the keys), otherwise it seems she just opens it and starts talking
"We're gonna get one like him, aren't we, Mom?" She grinned. "A great big one." - edits for your consideration
through what seemed to be endless acres - through seemingly endless acres
Tricks of the dog - Tools fo the dog
They parked in front of a large warehouse and entered the office. Rudy smiled, shaking hands while Jim made the introductions. - you slip into a bit of telling here. I know you want to conserve words, but showing us the introductions is a useful way to exhibit something about the characters in their situation
Bright golden eyes flitted - I've seen a number of Dobies over the years and don't recall any ever having golden eyes. Does this breed have the possiblity of unusual eye color, like the pale blue we sometimes see in Huskies? If not, they'd be plain old doggie brown! Or, you could do:
Rich golden eyebrows twitched over curious eyes
(or something like that, since they usually have the golden patches over their eyes)
and
matching - editor glitch!
Uneasy, she glanced at the two dogs. - She cast a wary glace at the two dogs.
Absolutely not, Mrs. Baker.... - this becomes a long speech in multiple paragraphs - I suggest breaking it up with his actions, gestures, facial expressions, reassuring smile, etc.
drawn gun[,] and dogs
began to bond before their eyes. - this kind of tugged me out of the scene
Rudy and Jim made eye contact, smiles - I realize you probably established this long ago, but I'm not sure from this chapter which character's POV we're in, just a thought
Touching, intriguing and good movement of story. Clear parts to the chapter and evolution of characters in the scenes. I'll have to look into more chapters; you've got my interest!
Great!
Dawn
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reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Emotional and enthralling chapter. The meeting of the dog was excuted with emotion and tenderness. Your experience in working with animals shows brightly in this chapter!
For your consideration:
Candace hesitated a moment then pulled out her cell. - For clarity (even tho' most Americans know what you mean), you may want to put 'cell phone' on this first reference, just feels more complete. Also, you may want to have her dial or push a couple buttons (even say something about the beeping as she pushed the keys), otherwise it seems she just opens it and starts talking
"We're gonna get one like him, aren't we, Mom?" She grinned. "A great big one." - edits for your consideration
through what seemed to be endless acres - through seemingly endless acres
Tricks of the dog - Tools fo the dog
They parked in front of a large warehouse and entered the office. Rudy smiled, shaking hands while Jim made the introductions. - you slip into a bit of telling here. I know you want to conserve words, but showing us the introductions is a useful way to exhibit something about the characters in their situation
Bright golden eyes flitted - I've seen a number of Dobies over the years and don't recall any ever having golden eyes. Does this breed have the possiblity of unusual eye color, like the pale blue we sometimes see in Huskies? If not, they'd be plain old doggie brown! Or, you could do:
Rich golden eyebrows twitched over curious eyes
(or something like that, since they usually have the golden patches over their eyes)
and
matching - editor glitch!
Uneasy, she glanced at the two dogs. - She cast a wary glace at the two dogs.
Absolutely not, Mrs. Baker.... - this becomes a long speech in multiple paragraphs - I suggest breaking it up with his actions, gestures, facial expressions, reassuring smile, etc.
drawn gun[,] and dogs
began to bond before their eyes. - this kind of tugged me out of the scene
Rudy and Jim made eye contact, smiles - I realize you probably established this long ago, but I'm not sure from this chapter which character's POV we're in, just a thought
Touching, intriguing and good movement of story. Clear parts to the chapter and evolution of characters in the scenes. I'll have to look into more chapters; you've got my interest!
Great!
Dawn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Hey Dawn!
Happy Saturday, so nice to see you. I went in and pasted your suggestions out and will utilize.
I can't thank you enough for the time and effort. I really appreciate it!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from nor84
Hello, Gayle
She should tell the girl to reach out with a CLOSED hand and let the dog sniff her knuckles. An open hand may make a dog feel he's about to be grabbed. Not really spag, just advice from a doggy person.
Apostrophe not needed in the sign in the word "Dobermans"
You wrote: ...Unless your friends absolutely will not take no, ...--I suggest "If" instead of "unless."
Excellent job.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Hello, Gayle
She should tell the girl to reach out with a CLOSED hand and let the dog sniff her knuckles. An open hand may make a dog feel he's about to be grabbed. Not really spag, just advice from a doggy person.
Apostrophe not needed in the sign in the word "Dobermans"
You wrote: ...Unless your friends absolutely will not take no, ...--I suggest "If" instead of "unless."
Excellent job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2008
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Hey Nor,
Good to see you up in this neck of the woods! Hope your weekend is doing fine. Gosh, funny you should mention that sentence. It started off "If", then I read it in context. I knew what I wanted to say..changed to "Unless"..I have to go back again. I'll also round up that extra apostrophe. Man, they do get out of control sometimes.
Thanks so much for the comments and great edit ideas. See you again soon,
Hugs,
Gayle