Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A New Client"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
18 total reviews
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Showtimebook,
What a great first chapter, I am hook. Lovely job on the details, I felt I was there with them. Your dialogue great and that show off your characters.
I have suggestion for you, change Terry to Teri, everytime I saw that name I she was a man. Kept reminding myself she was a woman.
Excellent job!
Lynn
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hi Showtimebook,
What a great first chapter, I am hook. Lovely job on the details, I felt I was there with them. Your dialogue great and that show off your characters.
I have suggestion for you, change Terry to Teri, everytime I saw that name I she was a man. Kept reminding myself she was a woman.
Excellent job!
Lynn
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hi Lynn,
Gosh, it's neat you came in on the first chapter. We novelists often have a problem with that, so you're especially welcome. I'm Gayle, by the way, glad to meet you and hope to see you again.
Regarding the spelling, this is the fourth book in the series, so I'm kinda caught. I hope you'll look past that. Thanks for the fine comments and stars,
Gayle
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Hi Galye,
I didn't know this fourth book in a series. I like said about the name name is was only a suggestion, I might be the only reviewer who trouble with that.
I did enjoyed the first chapter, your writing is strong and gripping, and there is a lot that I can learn from you. I am glad that I found the first chapter of your novel, I will be waiting for more,
Lynn
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
You sure know posh, and you use it to excellent effect here. This first chapter is a good hook. I'm wondering what Jim and Lenny are getting into, why someone who is so obviously loaded with money wouldn't simply hire a bodyguard.
Are Koi a sort of tropical fish?
I have several comments below:
"Rudy has two that'd be just right, and Baker's fine with that, but his wife's scared of big dogs." I think this passage might read better if you broke it into two sentences.
"...and sent everyone the American salute..." Are drivers in California really that nasty tempered? Sometimes, I call this the Finger of Contempt.
"They stopped at the wide wrought iron gates..." I think there should be a hyphen between "wrought" and "iron" here. I am not sure of the hyphen rules, so don't just take my word for it.
Dave M
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Gayle,
You sure know posh, and you use it to excellent effect here. This first chapter is a good hook. I'm wondering what Jim and Lenny are getting into, why someone who is so obviously loaded with money wouldn't simply hire a bodyguard.
Are Koi a sort of tropical fish?
I have several comments below:
"Rudy has two that'd be just right, and Baker's fine with that, but his wife's scared of big dogs." I think this passage might read better if you broke it into two sentences.
"...and sent everyone the American salute..." Are drivers in California really that nasty tempered? Sometimes, I call this the Finger of Contempt.
"They stopped at the wide wrought iron gates..." I think there should be a hyphen between "wrought" and "iron" here. I am not sure of the hyphen rules, so don't just take my word for it.
Dave M
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hey Dave,
Koi are Japanese gold fish, as it were, quite large, multi-colored and absolutely gorgeous. Google the, it's worth the try. They get quite tame and will eat little kibbled dog food right out of your hand.
The bird? Oh, yes, the bird is the word. Mostly it's the younger folks, although I've seen a blue-hair here and there get a bit testy. Driving downtown is not for the faint of heart, at best, and when you figure half the folks are tourists, well, I guess it's better than punching them out, although that happens, too. Sigh.
I googled that wrought iron as soon as I get off...will fix. Thanks for the eagle eye.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
We much prefer larger dogs too. Oh good another detective story with the dogs in, love these. You bring these characters so much to life we now feel we know them very well.
Suggestion:
"Ah, don't ya love the city of angels? Should City of Angels be capitalised it sounds like a title?
Love and blessings
What happened to the Chicken Casserole etc.? Went to read and they were gone.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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We much prefer larger dogs too. Oh good another detective story with the dogs in, love these. You bring these characters so much to life we now feel we know them very well.
Suggestion:
"Ah, don't ya love the city of angels? Should City of Angels be capitalised it sounds like a title?
Love and blessings
What happened to the Chicken Casserole etc.? Went to read and they were gone.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Ladies!
Metcha and it's been a while. Hope all is well with you, y'all been on my mind.
I know, the doggies send a kiyiyi to you as well and a slurp on both cheeks.
Now, I was being a sarcastic there with the city of angels dig, so I don't think it should get caps, but let me check it out.
Ah, I had a fowl foul. Seems recipes are not welcome on the site so Tom pulled them off. If you want it or any of the others I'll pm them to you.
Hugs, love and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from rhymer1
Narrative and dialog are fine. Only three comments while reading. Slainte, rhymer1
The sun (began to dip) [dipped] into the ocean
could carry and entered (the door) - just does not sound right here. Better when deleted. But at least change it to doorway so it does not read like she entered the wood.
the same turn onto N. Beverly Glen toward Bel Air - sorry to rain on your parade, but I live on North Beverly Glen a mile North of Sunset and Beverly Glen does not go to Bel Air. Beverly Glen does a dog-leg at Sunset. If you take a left when you come to Beverly Glen, while traveling East on Suset you enter Bel Air. The next light about a hundred yards East is Beverly Glen Boulevard and it is in West L.A. and goes over the mountains into the Valley. There are no estates as you described on Beverly Glen, but there are on Bel Air
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Narrative and dialog are fine. Only three comments while reading. Slainte, rhymer1
The sun (began to dip) [dipped] into the ocean
could carry and entered (the door) - just does not sound right here. Better when deleted. But at least change it to doorway so it does not read like she entered the wood.
the same turn onto N. Beverly Glen toward Bel Air - sorry to rain on your parade, but I live on North Beverly Glen a mile North of Sunset and Beverly Glen does not go to Bel Air. Beverly Glen does a dog-leg at Sunset. If you take a left when you come to Beverly Glen, while traveling East on Suset you enter Bel Air. The next light about a hundred yards East is Beverly Glen Boulevard and it is in West L.A. and goes over the mountains into the Valley. There are no estates as you described on Beverly Glen, but there are on Bel Air
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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You little rascal! Are you telling me you live that close by and didn't tell me. We have to get together and do lunch.
I know about the roads, I deliberately do not want to name real neighborhoods cause what's about to happen would have a devaluing effect! LOL!. I guess I should just make up a name of a nonexistant street, like Via Verde and leave it at that. Only a native would know. ROFL!
Dangit. Do you ever get to Palm Springs? Oh, my, what fun. Seriously, wouldn't that be fun?
Hugs and thaks for the super comments,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Looks like you've hooked me with another story, Gayle. Surprised to see another horror/thriller entry from you. I thought you said you were going back to writing young adult fare. Whatever the case, I liked this a lot. Can't wait to read more.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Looks like you've hooked me with another story, Gayle. Surprised to see another horror/thriller entry from you. I thought you said you were going back to writing young adult fare. Whatever the case, I liked this a lot. Can't wait to read more.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Johnny, it's weird with me. I can have all the intentions of starting one thing and the next thing, a thought hits, and I'm off in another direction. The characters rule the roost!
Thanks for the grins, my friend,
]
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RaymondJohn
Great first paragraph. The story moves along very well. I like the car. You have a fine narrative style and the pace is perfect for this. Best wishes. Ray
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Great first paragraph. The story moves along very well. I like the car. You have a fine narrative style and the pace is perfect for this. Best wishes. Ray
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hey Ray,
Were you surprised to find it was me or did you recognize where you were? Blinders are a ball, huh?
Thanks a bunch and hope to see you again soon,
Gayle
Comment from Korton
Excellent introduction to this new work. You've set the stage with familiar characters and I'm excited to see where you are going to take this stalker story. Very well done.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Excellent introduction to this new work. You've set the stage with familiar characters and I'm excited to see where you are going to take this stalker story. Very well done.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hey Frank,
This is going to be fun, I think. The characters are already running the show. Hope to see you soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from AbigailDavid
Hello, and congratulations on starting your new novel. I always enjoy your easy to read style whenever i catch a post you've written.
You set the scene and introduce your main protagonist very effectively and the story also reads with a high level of English grammar and spelling.
Thanks for sharing your writing, it will be interesting to see where you take this from here, your writing buddy, abby
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hello, and congratulations on starting your new novel. I always enjoy your easy to read style whenever i catch a post you've written.
You set the scene and introduce your main protagonist very effectively and the story also reads with a high level of English grammar and spelling.
Thanks for sharing your writing, it will be interesting to see where you take this from here, your writing buddy, abby
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hey Abby,
Always so nice to see you. And here you are at the beginning, which always helps, huh? I think this is going to be fun for all concerned. The characters are running away and I'm just along for the ride.
Hope to see you again soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
