Caduceus
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The Elevator"cardiologist falsely accused of wrongful death
16 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
I browsed through past chapters to get proper awareness about David's situation. This was an excellent chapter.
I could tell that David was burying himself in work to keep his mind off his family and perhaps to finally keep his distance from booze.
The family in the elevator becomes a bridge between his estranged family and the emotionally empty life he is now living,
I like this writing and have no suggestions for improvement. I found one minor typo: He [couls] smell the scent of her skin in summer... {[could]?}
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2008
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I browsed through past chapters to get proper awareness about David's situation. This was an excellent chapter.
I could tell that David was burying himself in work to keep his mind off his family and perhaps to finally keep his distance from booze.
The family in the elevator becomes a bridge between his estranged family and the emotionally empty life he is now living,
I like this writing and have no suggestions for improvement. I found one minor typo: He [couls] smell the scent of her skin in summer... {[could]?}
Comment Written 17-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2008
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Hi CALLA----Thank you---great comments---I appreciate it.--I'll correct typo---Doug
Comment from Rizalbob
Hi Cardiodoug,
You have left a mystery why David cried his heart out and that should be enough to make us want to read more to find out.
Good flow andthe imagery you have potrayed is vividly clear.
A little SPAG:
He couls (could?) smell the scent of her skin in summer.
....his eyes weld (well?) up with tears.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2008
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Hi Cardiodoug,
You have left a mystery why David cried his heart out and that should be enough to make us want to read more to find out.
Good flow andthe imagery you have potrayed is vividly clear.
A little SPAG:
He couls (could?) smell the scent of her skin in summer.
....his eyes weld (well?) up with tears.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2008
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Thanks Rizalbob----great comments--im inspired---i'll correct the typos.---Doug--PS: I always enjoy reviews from the other side of the planet!
Comment from shiriart
I see the point of the chapter (misses wife) but find it is very verbose to make the point. There is a real potential for impact but it has gotten lost along the way.
The first 2 paragrahs are long winded, narrated and don't have much in the way of impact. I'd suggest "showing" what you want the reader to know instead of "telling" it. Instead of being interupted by nightmares it could be visions of dragons and fire - use vision for the reader to realize it was a nightmare instead of telling them it was.
The last 7 paragraphs have the same issue - it needs more illustration for the reader to become lost in the story as opposed to an outsider being told what is happening.
I'd suggest you start by closing your eyes and reading the story back to yourself. If you can't picture the action (navigating) then use words you can picture (He strode down the long corridor; the doctor's loung was a full 3 doors away...).
You'll find the story is greatly enhanced (also a whole lot longer) and the impact you're looking for might be found.
I look forward to reading more.
Shiriart
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I see the point of the chapter (misses wife) but find it is very verbose to make the point. There is a real potential for impact but it has gotten lost along the way.
The first 2 paragrahs are long winded, narrated and don't have much in the way of impact. I'd suggest "showing" what you want the reader to know instead of "telling" it. Instead of being interupted by nightmares it could be visions of dragons and fire - use vision for the reader to realize it was a nightmare instead of telling them it was.
The last 7 paragraphs have the same issue - it needs more illustration for the reader to become lost in the story as opposed to an outsider being told what is happening.
I'd suggest you start by closing your eyes and reading the story back to yourself. If you can't picture the action (navigating) then use words you can picture (He strode down the long corridor; the doctor's loung was a full 3 doors away...).
You'll find the story is greatly enhanced (also a whole lot longer) and the impact you're looking for might be found.
I look forward to reading more.
Shiriart
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2008
Comment from FredCollingwood
Very touching; very well written. a few small comments:
An attractive {women}, probably in her late twenties, sheepishly glanced toward <--- woman.
He imagined Susan in a sleeveless top, the smallness of her shoulders, the scent of her skin in summer. <--- this needs some punctuation, depending on how you want it to read.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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Very touching; very well written. a few small comments:
An attractive {women}, probably in her late twenties, sheepishly glanced toward <--- woman.
He imagined Susan in a sleeveless top, the smallness of her shoulders, the scent of her skin in summer. <--- this needs some punctuation, depending on how you want it to read.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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Hi NM---Thanks for nice review---I'll correct spag and look at rec on sentence---Thanks again---Doug
Comment from Dave M
Doug,
This is an excellent, well-written interlude chapter. I really enjoyed your level of description, enough to make me feel like I was watching the scene unfold.
Unfortunately, there are a handful of nits. I think I got them all:
"Home, he thought, some home, a crumby [crummy?] motel." Since the word is colloquial, I'm not quite sure how it's spelled.
"His wife wore a sleeveless white cotton top, outlining her breasts and narrow waste [waist]."
"The youngest child, still in her father?s arms, appeared to be two or three years-old." You don't need the hyphen between "years" and "old."
"Exiting the hospital, he headed for the physicians [physicians'] parking lot,"
Dave M
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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Doug,
This is an excellent, well-written interlude chapter. I really enjoyed your level of description, enough to make me feel like I was watching the scene unfold.
Unfortunately, there are a handful of nits. I think I got them all:
"Home, he thought, some home, a crumby [crummy?] motel." Since the word is colloquial, I'm not quite sure how it's spelled.
"His wife wore a sleeveless white cotton top, outlining her breasts and narrow waste [waist]."
"The youngest child, still in her father?s arms, appeared to be two or three years-old." You don't need the hyphen between "years" and "old."
"Exiting the hospital, he headed for the physicians [physicians'] parking lot,"
Dave M
Comment Written 16-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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Thanks Dave-----Great review on spag----I could have read it a thousand times and not seen the errors----that's the wonder of this site---reviewers see things the author glances over----thanks again---Doug
Comment from Journal Jo
this is well done with likable characters and believable
dialogue. The only change I think is that you spelled one word wrong. It should be waist, not waste. I like the way you ended it. "puddle of tears" Nice
Journal Jo
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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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this is well done with likable characters and believable
dialogue. The only change I think is that you spelled one word wrong. It should be waist, not waste. I like the way you ended it. "puddle of tears" Nice
Journal Jo
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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Hi JJ---Thanks---another reviewer noted spelling error---hope you get a chance to read more----Doug
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welcome
jo
