Caduceus
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Separation"cardiologist falsely accused of wrongful death
11 total reviews
Comment from rhymer1
Good dailog and narrative. Some of the information in the narrative would be more effective if rewitten as thoughts and italicized. Try it, you'll like it. Slainte, rhymer1
(In his heart) he knew - boring old cliche, delete.
son of a bitch, (David).? - writers tend to use names in dialog much more than people.
That dreaded word, divorce, terrified him. His pulse rose. He felt weak and nauseated. She would never leave him, it was impossible. They?d been together for nearly twenty years. Dave and Sue, they were the great couple with the beautiful kids, the beautiful family. - too much telling. Make it his toughts and italicize. Much more effective.
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reply by the author on 14-Jan-2008
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Good dailog and narrative. Some of the information in the narrative would be more effective if rewitten as thoughts and italicized. Try it, you'll like it. Slainte, rhymer1
(In his heart) he knew - boring old cliche, delete.
son of a bitch, (David).? - writers tend to use names in dialog much more than people.
That dreaded word, divorce, terrified him. His pulse rose. He felt weak and nauseated. She would never leave him, it was impossible. They?d been together for nearly twenty years. Dave and Sue, they were the great couple with the beautiful kids, the beautiful family. - too much telling. Make it his toughts and italicize. Much more effective.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2008
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Thanks Rhymer-------Good idea on the italicized dialogue---I'll look at it again---Doug
