Conflict in Connecticut.
A true story that happened to me.33 total reviews
Comment from pome lover
well, that is a horrible story, doubly bad because the police did nothing about it. One thing I wish you had put in there was that your truck had a running board that the two men must have been standing on, because there was no way they could've stayed there just holding on to your throat, especially going 35 and more miles an hour. Another thing that logistically, I couldn't figure out was how the one guy scratched you all down your stomach from outside the truck.
I am not belittling your experience, these were just things that puzzled me while reading about it. It must have been a horrible experience.
Katharine
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2024
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well, that is a horrible story, doubly bad because the police did nothing about it. One thing I wish you had put in there was that your truck had a running board that the two men must have been standing on, because there was no way they could've stayed there just holding on to your throat, especially going 35 and more miles an hour. Another thing that logistically, I couldn't figure out was how the one guy scratched you all down your stomach from outside the truck.
I am not belittling your experience, these were just things that puzzled me while reading about it. It must have been a horrible experience.
Katharine
Comment Written 28-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2024
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Yes, Katharine that is the way it happened. I did not have a running board and you are the second person to question that. But I can tell you the next day I could hardly move my head around. My neck hurt so bad. They hung on to me and while doing it were scratching and hitting me. It was a hell of a night!
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sounds like it. Glad you survived.
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Well, thank you.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'm afraid you can't walk out alone in any country these days. You were very lucky to get away with a minced up face, you could very easily been killed. It's a frightening world. You did a great job not giving in, I'm thinking that those two men will not be attempting that again! Well done and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra
takes to win and safe ( save) your life.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2024
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I'm afraid you can't walk out alone in any country these days. You were very lucky to get away with a minced up face, you could very easily been killed. It's a frightening world. You did a great job not giving in, I'm thinking that those two men will not be attempting that again! Well done and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra
takes to win and safe ( save) your life.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2024
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Well, thank you Sandra. I always looked at it like - I need to fight for the guy who can't. I wondered how many people they had done this to? Hopefully, they won't try it again.
Comment from SimianSavant
This is an exciting story which, to be exciting to the reader as it possibly could be, needs a bit of grammar cleanup and condensing. I would try reducing your work count by a quarter or so if you can. Stay focused on the action (instead of thoughts), watch out for any redundancy, and shorten the aftermath to keep the reader engaged. Run-on sentences are you biggest issue (two or more sentences that could function independently, separated incorrectly by a comma). Here are some specific notes:
Dan Quale <= Quayle
I had good leaders that taught me <= WHO, not THAT
Both men had me around the neck and were squeezing very hard, my breathing became labored. <= run-on sentence. Separate with a period or semicolon, or add an "and" after the comma
I thought this is it. <= this is a little awkward as written. Maybe try something like: This is it, I thought. Etc
shoved the stick shift in first gear, pushed on the accelerator, the truck lunged forward, the two men grabbed me tighter around the neck and started yelling at me to stop the truck! <= awkward because some of the verbs are referring to your actions and some refer to other actions. I'd either break each action into its own sentence (this would also help speed up the pacing), or try something like the following: I shoved the stick shift into first gear and floored the accelerator, lunging the truck forward, as the two men grabbed me tighter
Shifting into third gear, climbing to 45 miles per hour, both men tightened their grip around my neck, it started to hurt. <= run-on sentence. See previous notes for tips how to fix this
I could barely breathe! <= breathe
He drew blood from me, <= "from me" is redundant and can be removed
Eliminate the exclamation points. The story is more exciting without them.
and hit him in the nose and blood flew again, I heard him groan and saw his eyes water because I busted his nose <= run-on sentence
My adrenaline was sky high at this point <= sky-high. (The word "sky" is a noun unless you attach it to the adjective with a hyphen, to use as an idiom, which you intend)
the other guy who had me around the neck and hit him in the eye, he groaned very loud because it was a direct hit in his eye <= run-on
There was an eerie silence in the air and there were no people around and I thought this was very strange. <= run-on
p--sed off <= you already have disclaimers on your story so no need to blank out the letters here, haha
and their faces were starting to swell up around their eyes, their nose and mouth was bleeding too. <= run on; also, since it is plural write "their noses and mouths were bleeding too"
I poured peroxide down the outside of my throat and stomach, it started to fizzle and turned white. <= run-on sentence
"What happened to you he exclaimed?" <= fix quote placement
he will fire in that direction to scare the people that they are trying to rob." "They call it the "Clevelander," he said. <= needs cleanup with quotes. ".. people WHO they are trying to rob. They call it 'The Clevelander'," he said.
If you fix all this stuff, message me back and I'll re-review. Thanks for the read! Sounds like you had one hell of a night, and got a great story out of it.
🦍
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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This is an exciting story which, to be exciting to the reader as it possibly could be, needs a bit of grammar cleanup and condensing. I would try reducing your work count by a quarter or so if you can. Stay focused on the action (instead of thoughts), watch out for any redundancy, and shorten the aftermath to keep the reader engaged. Run-on sentences are you biggest issue (two or more sentences that could function independently, separated incorrectly by a comma). Here are some specific notes:
Dan Quale <= Quayle
I had good leaders that taught me <= WHO, not THAT
Both men had me around the neck and were squeezing very hard, my breathing became labored. <= run-on sentence. Separate with a period or semicolon, or add an "and" after the comma
I thought this is it. <= this is a little awkward as written. Maybe try something like: This is it, I thought. Etc
shoved the stick shift in first gear, pushed on the accelerator, the truck lunged forward, the two men grabbed me tighter around the neck and started yelling at me to stop the truck! <= awkward because some of the verbs are referring to your actions and some refer to other actions. I'd either break each action into its own sentence (this would also help speed up the pacing), or try something like the following: I shoved the stick shift into first gear and floored the accelerator, lunging the truck forward, as the two men grabbed me tighter
Shifting into third gear, climbing to 45 miles per hour, both men tightened their grip around my neck, it started to hurt. <= run-on sentence. See previous notes for tips how to fix this
I could barely breathe! <= breathe
He drew blood from me, <= "from me" is redundant and can be removed
Eliminate the exclamation points. The story is more exciting without them.
and hit him in the nose and blood flew again, I heard him groan and saw his eyes water because I busted his nose <= run-on sentence
My adrenaline was sky high at this point <= sky-high. (The word "sky" is a noun unless you attach it to the adjective with a hyphen, to use as an idiom, which you intend)
the other guy who had me around the neck and hit him in the eye, he groaned very loud because it was a direct hit in his eye <= run-on
There was an eerie silence in the air and there were no people around and I thought this was very strange. <= run-on
p--sed off <= you already have disclaimers on your story so no need to blank out the letters here, haha
and their faces were starting to swell up around their eyes, their nose and mouth was bleeding too. <= run on; also, since it is plural write "their noses and mouths were bleeding too"
I poured peroxide down the outside of my throat and stomach, it started to fizzle and turned white. <= run-on sentence
"What happened to you he exclaimed?" <= fix quote placement
he will fire in that direction to scare the people that they are trying to rob." "They call it the "Clevelander," he said. <= needs cleanup with quotes. ".. people WHO they are trying to rob. They call it 'The Clevelander'," he said.
If you fix all this stuff, message me back and I'll re-review. Thanks for the read! Sounds like you had one hell of a night, and got a great story out of it.
🦍
Comment Written 26-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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Wow! You must be a novelist Simian. I did not realize I had botched this story so bad! Thank you for your great review. I really appreciate that!
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You're welcome. I wouldn't say your story is "botched" -- just that these edits could help make it more approachable and exciting. 🦍
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Well, still the same. I really appreciate that Simian!
Comment from Thesis
Wow, that was one hell of a bad experience. It's a shame you had to go through that. These kinds of crimes are a national scourge that people encounter too regularly. How disappointing to get the reaction you did from the police. It's a sad commentary on our society.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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Wow, that was one hell of a bad experience. It's a shame you had to go through that. These kinds of crimes are a national scourge that people encounter too regularly. How disappointing to get the reaction you did from the police. It's a sad commentary on our society.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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Well, thank you Thesis. And yes, it is a sad society we live in today. And when you can't get the police to help. Its' time we all started carrying guns again. I really do believe it would be like nuclear bombs. If we all had a gun - it would be a good deterent.
Comment from Ulla
Wow, that was a close call. No, you don't have to go abroad to be targeted. No wonder you wanted to kill. They wanted to kill you.
half way into the story, safe should be save. All best, Ulla :)))
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
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Wow, that was a close call. No, you don't have to go abroad to be targeted. No wonder you wanted to kill. They wanted to kill you.
half way into the story, safe should be save. All best, Ulla :)))
Comment Written 23-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
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Well, thank you Ulla. I really appreciate your review!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh wow, what a scary story!! It's amazing that you survived it, but I'm glad you fought back. They have to realize not everyone just lets people have what they want. Thank you for sharing it with us. You did so in a very exciting manner with lots of suspense.
Take care and best of luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Oh wow, what a scary story!! It's amazing that you survived it, but I'm glad you fought back. They have to realize not everyone just lets people have what they want. Thank you for sharing it with us. You did so in a very exciting manner with lots of suspense.
Take care and best of luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Well, thank you Rhonda. Yes, it was scary and I was not going to let them get by with it. Thank you for your review. I really appreciate that!
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And I'm proud to know a real action figure!! Too few fight back, or are able to! I have a black belt in Taekwondo, but wonder what I would really do in a real fight, plus, I'm much older now...
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LOL! Well, It's a little different when you don't know if they have a gun or not too. I had to make a split decision quickly. I decided to fight. I was not going to be their victim, but many are.
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Again, good for you!!
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Well, thanks again Rhonda. I really appreciate it! And you really can hear a bullet whizzing by your face. I know just what Donald Trump went through too.
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Oh wow!!! And you just hung in there and kept fighting through. I'm amazed at your survival skills and attitude, Trump's too, lol.
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Yes ma'am. I did.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a riveting series of events that you were the victim of, but there is a saying in writing non-fiction "all is less than the best". I think your story would actually be stronger if you removed some of the repetitions and just wrote something like "they continued to squeeze my throat and even scratched me deep, but I refused to stop fighting back, causing serious damage through direct punches to the faces of the thugs whilst driving." kay
> good leaders that taught me a lot > good leaders who taught me a lot
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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This is a riveting series of events that you were the victim of, but there is a saying in writing non-fiction "all is less than the best". I think your story would actually be stronger if you removed some of the repetitions and just wrote something like "they continued to squeeze my throat and even scratched me deep, but I refused to stop fighting back, causing serious damage through direct punches to the faces of the thugs whilst driving." kay
> good leaders that taught me a lot > good leaders who taught me a lot
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Well, thank you Katherine. I think you are right! I might try that. Thank you for the review and the insight. I really appreciate that!
Comment from BethShelby
Wow that is some story. If your were dirving 55 miles and hour you must have gotten a long way from where the guy with gun was. I wondered who was shooting. Also I would have though going so fast and falling away from the trudk would have almost killed. Those two might not have tried it again.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
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Wow that is some story. If your were dirving 55 miles and hour you must have gotten a long way from where the guy with gun was. I wondered who was shooting. Also I would have though going so fast and falling away from the trudk would have almost killed. Those two might not have tried it again.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
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Well, I only went about a half mile and the shooter was behind me to the left side. One of the men laid there for a little bit. I am sure they were hurting after they flew off my truck. They were limping pretty bad when they got up.
Comment from AliMom
A frightening encounter indeed. I was on the edge of my seat. Did this actually happen and no one did anything about it. Is law enforcement really so callous. I hope you taught these criminal miscreants a well earned lesson. And thank you for the warning. My niece and nephew were also in school as Coast Guard trainees but never hinted that such horrible issues existed during their training. How horrible to have to re live this incident on paper but how cathartic to relate it to others who might listen. Congratulations on your strength and fortitude and for saving your own life. Your writing was clear and straightforward. Harrowing. Keep writing about other experiences in Coast Guard training. I believe others will find it interesting.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
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A frightening encounter indeed. I was on the edge of my seat. Did this actually happen and no one did anything about it. Is law enforcement really so callous. I hope you taught these criminal miscreants a well earned lesson. And thank you for the warning. My niece and nephew were also in school as Coast Guard trainees but never hinted that such horrible issues existed during their training. How horrible to have to re live this incident on paper but how cathartic to relate it to others who might listen. Congratulations on your strength and fortitude and for saving your own life. Your writing was clear and straightforward. Harrowing. Keep writing about other experiences in Coast Guard training. I believe others will find it interesting.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
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Well, it just shows how violent are country really is. No one ever expects this to happen two blocks from the police station and then they won't do anything about it, but it does.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing your story for this contest. I enjoyed reading and am glad you survived this ordeal. Good luck with the contest.
The next morning, I got up and put on my uniform for work and headed to the mess hall (The following morning)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2024
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Thank you for sharing your story for this contest. I enjoyed reading and am glad you survived this ordeal. Good luck with the contest.
The next morning, I got up and put on my uniform for work and headed to the mess hall (The following morning)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2024
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Yes, Barbara. I was very lucky and I did go to work the next day. I looked like Frankenstein and scared the bejesus out of everybody, but I went to work.
