In the Attic
Four-line poem16 total reviews
Comment from nancyjam
A very nice 4 line poem about finding memories among the dusty fragments in an attic. I love the wording for emotions coming alive "swirl and sweep" - magical.
Best of luck in the contest. Nancy
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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A very nice 4 line poem about finding memories among the dusty fragments in an attic. I love the wording for emotions coming alive "swirl and sweep" - magical.
Best of luck in the contest. Nancy
Comment Written 16-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Hi, Nancy. Many thanks for the kind words. Perhaps everyone has had this kind of experience.
Steve
Comment from lyenochka
I like the movement you created in your way of formatting your poem! Great idea to stagger it as you pull the memories from their "dusty sleep." And you even rhyme it! Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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I like the movement you created in your way of formatting your poem! Great idea to stagger it as you pull the memories from their "dusty sleep." And you even rhyme it! Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 16-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Thank you for the very kind words. Yes, I think the exclamatory statements beginning and end give it some oomph. That las line was a last minute decision - I had something along the same lines before, but without the What.... What! construction
Steve
Comment from juliaSjames
Yes I know the feeling. Photographs and letters are "time in a bottle" aren't they? Just waiting to release emotions that draw us back into the past.
I like the ambiguity of the write that allows us readers the space to drift into our own nostalgic dreams.
Us humans hold on to stuff don't we. Whether physical boxes stuffed with well, anything really, or the intangible but real thoughts that stay dormant in our minds until triggered.
Although it's a brilliant poem especially given the challenging form, to paraphrase Goose in Top Gun, I feel the need, not for speed but for end rhyme. For me that would take this write over the top.
Good luck with the Contest Committee whatever you decide
Blessings, Julia
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Yes I know the feeling. Photographs and letters are "time in a bottle" aren't they? Just waiting to release emotions that draw us back into the past.
I like the ambiguity of the write that allows us readers the space to drift into our own nostalgic dreams.
Us humans hold on to stuff don't we. Whether physical boxes stuffed with well, anything really, or the intangible but real thoughts that stay dormant in our minds until triggered.
Although it's a brilliant poem especially given the challenging form, to paraphrase Goose in Top Gun, I feel the need, not for speed but for end rhyme. For me that would take this write over the top.
Good luck with the Contest Committee whatever you decide
Blessings, Julia
Comment Written 16-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Hello again. Actually, I have discovered that not all of the human race are magpies, hence the modern trend towards decluttering. Maybe that doesn't apply to mental decluttering though.
The format makes rhyming tricky - I did give you sleep/sweep. Did you want more?
Thanks again for making me think, though.
Steve
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Curiously, with no prompt?.. save for preparing to teach a priesthood lesson, the picture and the words herein reminded me how dusty scriptures get, setting on a shelf, proclaiming Ii believe, but can even more if dusted and read. Thanks for the reminder, even if not your intent.
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Curiously, with no prompt?.. save for preparing to teach a priesthood lesson, the picture and the words herein reminded me how dusty scriptures get, setting on a shelf, proclaiming Ii believe, but can even more if dusted and read. Thanks for the reminder, even if not your intent.
Comment Written 16-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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No prompt? You lost me, but thanks for sharing your thoughts. I wasn't thinking of scriptures. Did something in the artwork point you in that direction?
Steve
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The prompt was for me and how years can go by and the bible sits on a shelf with geneology held within when once upon a time the 'book' was the premise to build a godly life but how many times can or should a book be read. This picture, for me, said I am the great I am and the door to eternal life, Stunned the pamphlet moved the guy to give God thought.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Nice artwork and presentation, Steve.
-The syllable count is good, along with the topic.
-Effective imagery with "dusty sleep."
-A very good concluding line about the
nature of emotions with good use of
alliteration showing how these
emotions can impact a person.
-Good luck in the contest.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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-Nice artwork and presentation, Steve.
-The syllable count is good, along with the topic.
-Effective imagery with "dusty sleep."
-A very good concluding line about the
nature of emotions with good use of
alliteration showing how these
emotions can impact a person.
-Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Thanks, Pam. I appreciate it when a reviewer points out devices (such as alliteration) that I may have used. Very often I've put them in there by instinct without even realising!
Steve
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You are very welcome, Steve, and I can relate to your description of using devices.
Comment from Begin Again
Good morning... I love the thoughts in your poem and thank you for sharing, but I thought I should mention that it is set up as five not four lines...a minor adjustment if that's how you expected it to be. Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-May-2024
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Good morning... I love the thoughts in your poem and thank you for sharing, but I thought I should mention that it is set up as five not four lines...a minor adjustment if that's how you expected it to be. Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-May-2024
reply by the author on 16-May-2024
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Oops! Thanks for the heads up. I'll fix it right now. Guess I hit the Enter key one too many times!
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No problem...glad to help
