The Last Day
My worst fear came true35 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. Yes, that is a mother's worst nightmare and I'm sorry it happened. I know this had to be hard tow write. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. Yes, that is a mother's worst nightmare and I'm sorry it happened. I know this had to be hard tow write. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you. It is hard to write about, but it helps in some ways. It isn't good to keep painful memories locked up inside.
Comment from BethShelby
How horrible. My heart goes out to you. Loosing a child has to be a mother's worst fear, and knowing your had lost two in infancy before that makes it ever worse. It is amazing that we keep on living when our hearts are broken. We have to strong to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So many parent have lost children. They don't often talk about but I surprised had how many friend I have that gone down that dark road. This is wonderfully written.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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How horrible. My heart goes out to you. Loosing a child has to be a mother's worst fear, and knowing your had lost two in infancy before that makes it ever worse. It is amazing that we keep on living when our hearts are broken. We have to strong to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So many parent have lost children. They don't often talk about but I surprised had how many friend I have that gone down that dark road. This is wonderfully written.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the six stars. For a while, I didn't care if I lived or died and might have preferred the last option. I think of it more now that I'm old and have no family or grandchildren. I'm not alone. There are so many who have lost their children in one way or another. Death is part of life, but some deaths are more challenging to bear than others. Thank you for caring.
Comment from CornishChick
first of all, please accept my condolences on the loss of your child. My sister's only daughter died the day before her 23rd birthday. You never get over such loss. You only learn to carry on.
I hesitate to offer suggestions for tweaking in the face of your loss. However, I will believe you want advice on how to take great writing to stellar.
First, don't open with explaining to the audience. This is called the "hook". You last lines would provide the perfect hook... the fear of losing your remaining child. It should be subtle, not obvious.
There are several other places where you explain what is coming. Leave those out for the shock value as the reader reads.
What you don't need is to improve emotion. It carries through this piece with great clarity.
btw, my sister lives in dairy country - northeast WA.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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first of all, please accept my condolences on the loss of your child. My sister's only daughter died the day before her 23rd birthday. You never get over such loss. You only learn to carry on.
I hesitate to offer suggestions for tweaking in the face of your loss. However, I will believe you want advice on how to take great writing to stellar.
First, don't open with explaining to the audience. This is called the "hook". You last lines would provide the perfect hook... the fear of losing your remaining child. It should be subtle, not obvious.
There are several other places where you explain what is coming. Leave those out for the shock value as the reader reads.
What you don't need is to improve emotion. It carries through this piece with great clarity.
btw, my sister lives in dairy country - northeast WA.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the tips. I appreciate it when a reviewer is willing to give me advice. The story is about how my last day with my son went, hence the title, The Last Day. The reader would know from the beginning that something tragic ended my son's life. How would you change that?
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Sorry for the confusion... The Title is perfect. What I was trying to express was to build interest and tension in the opening words. The dialog with your son would have been a perfect hook. Then, you could go into internal voice and share with the reader your fear of losing your last son. That builds the tension and keeps the reader even more engaged. I hope that helps.
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I appreciate all the helpful advice, and I will remember it. I have a notebook where I write helpful suggestions. Thanks again.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I'm so sorry. It sounds like more than anyone should have to endure.
I was once on the other end of such a catastrophe. I was the one unloading my deer rifle. There were four of us. As I leveraged the bolt (bolt action rifle), it fired. My hand was nowhere near the trigger. The friend in front of me was only 6-8 feet away. Fortunately, I was pointing to the ground. It could have been very bad.
I'm so sorry you lost Roy.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I'm so sorry. It sounds like more than anyone should have to endure.
I was once on the other end of such a catastrophe. I was the one unloading my deer rifle. There were four of us. As I leveraged the bolt (bolt action rifle), it fired. My hand was nowhere near the trigger. The friend in front of me was only 6-8 feet away. Fortunately, I was pointing to the ground. It could have been very bad.
I'm so sorry you lost Roy.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you. I have always wondered why they don't make rifles so they can't discharge by accident. I had a rifle that would do the same thing, but I was aware of it and made sure it wasn't pointed at anyone. You're lucky you didn't hit anybody.
Comment from Sanku
I am lost for words .This post has stunned me with the cruelty of Fate..Incidents such as this upset my Faith and I struggle to regain it .Innocent boy needlessly taken away...
I understand why you had that fear...
..
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I am lost for words .This post has stunned me with the cruelty of Fate..Incidents such as this upset my Faith and I struggle to regain it .Innocent boy needlessly taken away...
I understand why you had that fear...
..
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you. This incident upset my faith, too. There was a while when I cursed God for taking all my children. Later, I came to the conclusion that things are meant to be whatever they are and we, as humans, cannot change fate.
Comment from karenina
I am bereft. To think of you losing your third, and only surviving child to such a catastrophic accident breaks my heart.
I can't imagine a worse fear, or a stronger, more profound grief than burying one's child.
I pray you found this cathartic...
May Roy's memory bring you solace!
Karenina
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I am bereft. To think of you losing your third, and only surviving child to such a catastrophic accident breaks my heart.
I can't imagine a worse fear, or a stronger, more profound grief than burying one's child.
I pray you found this cathartic...
May Roy's memory bring you solace!
Karenina
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you. I lost all faith for a while. I cursed God for taking all my children. I now believe that we all pre-set our lives before we come here. When it is a person's time to go, nothing we do can change that.
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God is patient with us. Faith is never lost... He knows we'll find our way back!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I appreciate how hard it was to write this. You were brave to share it with us. It was written well and he was a cutie pie. I am glad you have many good memories to cherish. Karen
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I appreciate how hard it was to write this. You were brave to share it with us. It was written well and he was a cutie pie. I am glad you have many good memories to cherish. Karen
Comment Written 21-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you. It helps to write about incidents such as this. I held it all inside for a long time, but now am able to talk and write about it.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I appreciate how hard it was to write this. You were brave to share it with us. It was written well and he was a cutie pie. I am glad you have many good memories to cherish. Karen
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I appreciate how hard it was to write this. You were brave to share it with us. It was written well and he was a cutie pie. I am glad you have many good memories to cherish. Karen
Comment Written 21-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you again. Your review came to me twice. Go figure.
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Well, that's better than it not coming at all! :-)
Comment from lyenochka
This is the third entry from a mom who lost a child and it is clear that this horrible experience is one that permanently scars the heart and mind of a mother. All of you had shared the terrible tragic day in previous writings and we grieve with you again and ask for the Lord's comfort.
Best wishes in the contest! Good to see you post again.
"Roys' been shot," (Roy's)
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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This is the third entry from a mom who lost a child and it is clear that this horrible experience is one that permanently scars the heart and mind of a mother. All of you had shared the terrible tragic day in previous writings and we grieve with you again and ask for the Lord's comfort.
Best wishes in the contest! Good to see you post again.
"Roys' been shot," (Roy's)
Comment Written 21-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you, and thanks for catching my errors. I genuinely appreciate reviewers who catch my errors and let me know. I read some of the other stories of the same nature. My heart goes out to all the mothers who have experienced this pain.
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💞Thank you for sharing. Each time you and Carol and Beth have shared, there's a fresh new way you describe it all and we are moved.
Comment from Teri7
What a very sad story you have penned. That would have to be one of my worst fears also. You did a great job writing this and the picture of your son was really nice. He was a very handsome young man. I am so sorry for your loss my friend! love and blessings, teri
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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What a very sad story you have penned. That would have to be one of my worst fears also. You did a great job writing this and the picture of your son was really nice. He was a very handsome young man. I am so sorry for your loss my friend! love and blessings, teri
Comment Written 21-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the six stars. I will miss Roy until the day I die. Others on this site have lost their children. My heart goes out to all of them.
