Death, Crimes and Misdemeanors A-Z
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Jessie Sneaks A Peek"Nefarious Deeds
17 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Wow. Even though your "voice" in this story is pleasant, it's long. 3,000 words is a long post, and, in my experience, some will just skip over it because of the length. I see you tossed Jim's name in -- was that your name "Karen" Jim wrote in his story?
It was "meandering" and seemed to have many paths, but to what destination?
Still, good for you, for writing your heart out and having some fun!
A few things I noticed:
*Edit:
"HerDaddy has several health issues"
*Lower case "T" here: "Toiletries"
~You shift back and forth from second person ro first person narrative several times in this piece, such as :
"She did a little sightseeing tour, too. Drove here and there and settled some things. Driving always clears my mind."
Neither Grammarly nor Word will pick up everything, as you see...
Hope you enjoyed the write!
Karenina
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Wow. Even though your "voice" in this story is pleasant, it's long. 3,000 words is a long post, and, in my experience, some will just skip over it because of the length. I see you tossed Jim's name in -- was that your name "Karen" Jim wrote in his story?
It was "meandering" and seemed to have many paths, but to what destination?
Still, good for you, for writing your heart out and having some fun!
A few things I noticed:
*Edit:
"HerDaddy has several health issues"
*Lower case "T" here: "Toiletries"
~You shift back and forth from second person ro first person narrative several times in this piece, such as :
"She did a little sightseeing tour, too. Drove here and there and settled some things. Driving always clears my mind."
Neither Grammarly nor Word will pick up everything, as you see...
Hope you enjoyed the write!
Karenina
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks for the read, Why don't I catch these things? I will go back into the maw! Karen
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Because we are all human
:)
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Wow, Karen, I read your creations and am in awe of your vivid imagination which knows no bounds. I think you would just go on narrating your stories forever if possible, finding more and more sneaky jobs for your lovely heroine. She did a great job investigating Charlie, got a good meal out of him and then sent him packing. Your story is clearly expressed and very entertaining. Personally, I prefer your shorter ones with greater impact at the conclusion but you never disappoint when it comes to enjoyment and mischievous twists. Thanks, Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Wow, Karen, I read your creations and am in awe of your vivid imagination which knows no bounds. I think you would just go on narrating your stories forever if possible, finding more and more sneaky jobs for your lovely heroine. She did a great job investigating Charlie, got a good meal out of him and then sent him packing. Your story is clearly expressed and very entertaining. Personally, I prefer your shorter ones with greater impact at the conclusion but you never disappoint when it comes to enjoyment and mischievous twists. Thanks, Debbie
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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You like the hit and run! She may crop up later.
Thanks for the read. Karen
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She's a great character.
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I think she will show up again. I went and corrected many more tenses. Karen
Comment from royowen
Boy this must have taken sometime to write, and even mentioned Jim Vechio's name, your heroine was quite a girl, and a citizen par excellence, so useful to so many people, this is a great post, and comes from the pen if someone who loves writing, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Boy this must have taken sometime to write, and even mentioned Jim Vechio's name, your heroine was quite a girl, and a citizen par excellence, so useful to so many people, this is a great post, and comes from the pen if someone who loves writing, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Why, thank you, kind sir. I told Jim I would put him in a story. I didn't say I would make him nice.:-) Karen
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Heh heh
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It is nice to have a friend with a good brain.:-)
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Flatterer heh heh
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:-)
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Your post is engaging and interesting. You are very creative. It's kind of long. My friend writers write around 1500 to 2000 words. Sometimes split the chapter in two.
Well done.
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Your post is engaging and interesting. You are very creative. It's kind of long. My friend writers write around 1500 to 2000 words. Sometimes split the chapter in two.
Well done.
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Splitting it in half would have ruined the story.
Thanks for the read. Karen
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I had a lot of fun reading this story. You're extremely creative. Thank you for sharing.
"Yes, I am Charlie White, he said. You are the nice lady who left me emergency rations. I already ate an apple and a peanut butter sandwich. Boy, did I appreciate the toilet paper! I did not think about those things." (ending quotation marks after 'White," & beginning quotation marks in front of ' You')
"Well, she said, if you have a wife or kids, I could get you some more stuff till you get to the store." ("Well," & "If)
"Nope, it's just me., he said. My front room is piled head-high with boxes. (me," & "My)
It's the house wine of the south, you know, (know,")
She thought my wanting to run a ("She)
I stopped correcting dialogue here. I think you understand what I'm saying. If not, contact me.
HerDaddy has several health issues, and while (Her daddy)
her Mom send books back (her mom)
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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I had a lot of fun reading this story. You're extremely creative. Thank you for sharing.
"Yes, I am Charlie White, he said. You are the nice lady who left me emergency rations. I already ate an apple and a peanut butter sandwich. Boy, did I appreciate the toilet paper! I did not think about those things." (ending quotation marks after 'White," & beginning quotation marks in front of ' You')
"Well, she said, if you have a wife or kids, I could get you some more stuff till you get to the store." ("Well," & "If)
"Nope, it's just me., he said. My front room is piled head-high with boxes. (me," & "My)
It's the house wine of the south, you know, (know,")
She thought my wanting to run a ("She)
I stopped correcting dialogue here. I think you understand what I'm saying. If not, contact me.
HerDaddy has several health issues, and while (Her daddy)
her Mom send books back (her mom)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thank you for reading my story. I had already edited some of them. The others I will check back and see. Thanks again. Karen
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice story. Needs a little work, though. Sorry.
she is still little size-wise, - You need a parenthetical comma before 'size-wise'.
she is still little size-wise, but when she was younger, - With a complete sentence on each side of 'but', this prob'ly oughta be a semicolon.
"Yes, I am Charlie White, he said. - You need closing quotes after the comma. And then opening quotes before the next sentence.
It's the house wine of the south, you know, she said. - Closing quotes.
We don't have an official library, - Opening quotes.
Let me get the bread in bowls to rise, - Opening quotes.
Did you know that Texas - This paragraph and the next 4 need opening quotes with closing quotes after 'watching this one.'
"Depends", she said. - Closing quote after the punctuation.
"That's fine with me, she said." - Closing quote after the comma.
What's yours, Charlie," she offered. - 'asked' instead of 'offered' with a question mark after 'Charlie' would be better.
washcloths, Toiletries, a set of - (toiletries)
Saying that he would see me tomorrow." - no need for the closing quote.
He said, "he was sure glad - ("I am...)
Pittsburg, PA? or Texas, 4hours away?
Best wishes.
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reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Nice story. Needs a little work, though. Sorry.
she is still little size-wise, - You need a parenthetical comma before 'size-wise'.
she is still little size-wise, but when she was younger, - With a complete sentence on each side of 'but', this prob'ly oughta be a semicolon.
"Yes, I am Charlie White, he said. - You need closing quotes after the comma. And then opening quotes before the next sentence.
It's the house wine of the south, you know, she said. - Closing quotes.
We don't have an official library, - Opening quotes.
Let me get the bread in bowls to rise, - Opening quotes.
Did you know that Texas - This paragraph and the next 4 need opening quotes with closing quotes after 'watching this one.'
"Depends", she said. - Closing quote after the punctuation.
"That's fine with me, she said." - Closing quote after the comma.
What's yours, Charlie," she offered. - 'asked' instead of 'offered' with a question mark after 'Charlie' would be better.
washcloths, Toiletries, a set of - (toiletries)
Saying that he would see me tomorrow." - no need for the closing quote.
He said, "he was sure glad - ("I am...)
Pittsburg, PA? or Texas, 4hours away?
Best wishes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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I use the grammar program in Word. Then, I use Grammarly. Why is this stuff not doing the job.?
Karen
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And of course you are actually 'doing' the edits that the programs highlight/underline? (sorry if that seems insulting)
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Yes dear, I went back in and edited the thing to death. I am done, I don't care if the punctuation police chase me down, "I ain't going back!"
Comment from Begin Again
Quite the investigator so to speak.... Something tells me that Charlie is leaving town in a hurry for other reasons... he too is a sly one. You did a terrific job and very enjoyable.
I did notice a misplaced "quote mark" here and there, but wasn't sure if you'd done it on purpose or not.
Smiles. Carol
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Quite the investigator so to speak.... Something tells me that Charlie is leaving town in a hurry for other reasons... he too is a sly one. You did a terrific job and very enjoyable.
I did notice a misplaced "quote mark" here and there, but wasn't sure if you'd done it on purpose or not.
Smiles. Carol
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks for the read. I use the grammar program on Word and then Grammarly. But, still, somehow, stuff gets missed! Karen
