What We See
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "What We See - Chapter 2"A wrongly accused teacher reinvents his life
29 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm sure things like this happen with regularity on both ends of the spectrum, students, and teachers. But it would sure be an awkward situation for a teacher. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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I'm sure things like this happen with regularity on both ends of the spectrum, students, and teachers. But it would sure be an awkward situation for a teacher. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Yeah, the reputation of an accused child molester seldom goes away, even if they didn't do it. Always some doubt in the minds of some people.
We'll see how David handles it. Thanks for reading, Ric.
Comment from lyenochka
Aww! An orange tabby! Now that makes the story so much better! Lol.
I'm pushing for Archie to discover or help inspire a solution for David. Hey, I know someone named David Phelps. Good dialogue about school politics which felt very realistic.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Aww! An orange tabby! Now that makes the story so much better! Lol.
I'm pushing for Archie to discover or help inspire a solution for David. Hey, I know someone named David Phelps. Good dialogue about school politics which felt very realistic.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Helen. Yeah, I had to work a cat into this one or my family would refuse to read it! That's a great idea about Archie and a solution. I'll have to think about that.
Comment from tfawcus
I like the way you are developing the tension in this story through David's internal dialogue and his conversation with Bobby. The voices of the two characters are distinct and different, which helps make them realistic.
I'd caution against information dumps such as "I'm six-two with a trim body and broad shoulders, and I work out with the team. I have dark hair, and I guess I'm not bad-looking. I generally wear a jacket and tie to school, but I often remove the jacket first thing. I'm 26 years old and have been teaching and coaching here at Grove Park High for four years now. It's my first teaching job. I teach physics and natural science to all three grade levels at the school.". I can see why the information is important but if you are able to weave it more naturally into the story it would be good. Maybe some of these attributes could be mentioned by another character.
Also, beware of adding details that don't add to the storyline or the characterisation. For instance, "I heard a "meow" then and saw Archie pop through his cat door in the kitchen door to the outside. He's my 4-year-old orange tabby, whom I adopted from a shelter when he was eight months old." could be rendered as "I heard a "meow" and Archie popped through his cat door".
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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I like the way you are developing the tension in this story through David's internal dialogue and his conversation with Bobby. The voices of the two characters are distinct and different, which helps make them realistic.
I'd caution against information dumps such as "I'm six-two with a trim body and broad shoulders, and I work out with the team. I have dark hair, and I guess I'm not bad-looking. I generally wear a jacket and tie to school, but I often remove the jacket first thing. I'm 26 years old and have been teaching and coaching here at Grove Park High for four years now. It's my first teaching job. I teach physics and natural science to all three grade levels at the school.". I can see why the information is important but if you are able to weave it more naturally into the story it would be good. Maybe some of these attributes could be mentioned by another character.
Also, beware of adding details that don't add to the storyline or the characterisation. For instance, "I heard a "meow" then and saw Archie pop through his cat door in the kitchen door to the outside. He's my 4-year-old orange tabby, whom I adopted from a shelter when he was eight months old." could be rendered as "I heard a "meow" and Archie popped through his cat door".
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Thank you very much, Tony. Excellent suggestions too. I will note these for my second draft. My first drafts tend to be too wordy, and I usually tighten them up for draft 2. One of the pitfalls of posting a first draft, but that's kind of why I've begun doing it--because I get excellent suggestions for change from folks like you!
It's perhaps a little unfair of me to put you through a first draft, but I also get helpful plot suggestions. As I am a pantser, I don't have it all planned out ahead of time and take the story where the characters lead, and the reader suggestions often spark a good idea.
Is your story already written, or are you still in the process of writing it?
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The first draft of this particular story was written ten years ago, just before I joined FanStory. I'm now trying to get it into shape for publication. However, previous novels I have written and shared on FanStory were posted as you describe. They were pantser stories, almost entirely character-led. I published one of them, Into the Lion's Den, on Kindle three years ago after consigning some parts to the cutting room floor and tightening the remainder. It was reduced by around 25%, down to 80,000 words. I publish as Antony Fawcus if you want to look it up. It was originally posted here as The French Letter.
A subsequent novel, The Ponyfish, was posted here in the same way. I have spent two years editing and rewriting it, with steadily diminishing enthusiasm. I also got about 30,000 words into a third one called The Orphan's Tale the year before last, It was well-received here but stalled after fourteen chapters. I'm mainly resurrecting this as a delaying tactic while gathering the strength to continue reworking those two.
I started writing about fifteen years ago. My earlier writing here was all poetry, and a specialist publisher of Australian poets has published five volumes of the stuff - also available on Amazon but at an exorbitant price set by the publisher.
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Thanks for this great history, Tony.
Since I only joined FanStory a little over a year ago, I didn't know you were a novelist too until you began posting your current story. I thought you were exclusively a poet--and a damn good one at that. I see that you are equally skilled as a novelist.
I'll have to check out Into the Lion's Den.
Comment from Carol Clark2
I like that you put in the explanation of the dyslexia, because I was wondering why David would say he loved Tina. The phone dialogue is realistic and also fills in some backstory on Pinkham and Suzie. Looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings. Carol
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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I like that you put in the explanation of the dyslexia, because I was wondering why David would say he loved Tina. The phone dialogue is realistic and also fills in some backstory on Pinkham and Suzie. Looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings. Carol
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Carol.
Little hint: You'll find that dyslexia plays an important part in this story.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
It does look really bad for David. Teachers have a hard time trying to do the right thing and becoming the object of a brat Lolita's vengeance could be something he can't manage, especially if the mother loves power over teachers.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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It does look really bad for David. Teachers have a hard time trying to do the right thing and becoming the object of a brat Lolita's vengeance could be something he can't manage, especially if the mother loves power over teachers.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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There's pretty much no way he can win here unless the girl confesses, but even then some people are still suspicious. I've heard from others who have seen this in real life, and it's definitely a devastating accusation to make when it isn't true.
Comment from Lea Tonin1
That's the thing you use somebody of a sexual crime he essentially ruin that's person's life if the man is innocent is even though you come out innocent the stigma still lies with you and people treat you differently. It is the terrible truth of the matter. Excellent work very well written so well done really characters that are vibrant and got some meat to them along with your story it's very believable the way you write it so congrats on a great entry I'll see no issues with grammar esthetic subject matter sentence structure or word choices very good work hope you have the most amazing evening!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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That's the thing you use somebody of a sexual crime he essentially ruin that's person's life if the man is innocent is even though you come out innocent the stigma still lies with you and people treat you differently. It is the terrible truth of the matter. Excellent work very well written so well done really characters that are vibrant and got some meat to them along with your story it's very believable the way you write it so congrats on a great entry I'll see no issues with grammar esthetic subject matter sentence structure or word choices very good work hope you have the most amazing evening!
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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That's so true, Lea. Reputations are ruined so easily over a thing like this, even when the truth eventually coming out. Thanks for your wonderful review.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I'm not sure about the dyslexia. If that was all it was why didn't he instantly correct himself and explain his condition. If it's genuine, perhaps he did in fact say the wrong, suggestive thing to Tina. Also, he may have wanted something a bit more than the cat for company that time she came round? With the principal up to no good, this is all turning into a little web of intrigue. A well expressed story with excellent dialogue, background info and momentum. Lots of potential to enjoy. Thanks for sharing, Jim. Debbie
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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I'm not sure about the dyslexia. If that was all it was why didn't he instantly correct himself and explain his condition. If it's genuine, perhaps he did in fact say the wrong, suggestive thing to Tina. Also, he may have wanted something a bit more than the cat for company that time she came round? With the principal up to no good, this is all turning into a little web of intrigue. A well expressed story with excellent dialogue, background info and momentum. Lots of potential to enjoy. Thanks for sharing, Jim. Debbie
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Well, he did catch it and tried to, but Earl cut him off and wouldn't hear any more. As you will see, David is not particularly assertive (as his ex-girlfriend points out to him). You'll see him doing this a number of time is future chapters, especially when he is nervous.
Glad you're finding it intriguing, Debbie. You'll soon discover the importance of dyslexia to the overall thrust of the story.
Comment from Wendy G
Another excellent chapter to your story, and it is realistic and honest. The characters are well portrayed, and his panic is justifiable given the complexity of his predicament. Very well written.
Wendy
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Another excellent chapter to your story, and it is realistic and honest. The characters are well portrayed, and his panic is justifiable given the complexity of his predicament. Very well written.
Wendy
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Thanks very much, Wendy for your analysis and for the 6 stars too. Much appreciated.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I like the creative way this is developing. David has a friend who believes his version of the story, and a new dimension has been added...Pinkham and Suzie Cassidy. Also, I'm looking forward to Archie doing something that gives David an idea. (Maybe I've read too many novels where dogs and cats helped solve a mystery). Anyway, this is a great chapter. A lot was accomplished.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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I like the creative way this is developing. David has a friend who believes his version of the story, and a new dimension has been added...Pinkham and Suzie Cassidy. Also, I'm looking forward to Archie doing something that gives David an idea. (Maybe I've read too many novels where dogs and cats helped solve a mystery). Anyway, this is a great chapter. A lot was accomplished.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much, Lorraine. Hmm, have Archie trigger an idea. Interesting! I'll have to give that some thought.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Still interesting. Things like this really happen. Why are seemingly ordinary people so selfish and greedy, thinking of only themselves to the detriment of others? Karen
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Still interesting. Things like this really happen. Why are seemingly ordinary people so selfish and greedy, thinking of only themselves to the detriment of others? Karen
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Karen. That's a really good question. Being a totally first person POV story, I can't get into the head of Tina right now, but the story will eventually come out if you stay with it.
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I enjoy your writing. Karen