Panpipes
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Panpipes - Chapter 6"A Novella
22 total reviews
Comment from estory
Great job with this chapter. I thought this was back on track, tightly composed with tense, sharp dialogue, and I like how you orchestrated this movement of Ayesha into this manipulated scheme of the police chief, Suttikil. He manuevers her in her shock to sign the documents so they can proceed with their plot to smuggle Bruno out of the country. And we see him getting up out of those death clothes on his way, apparently. He also plants in her head the idea that Bapit has betrayed her. By the end of the chapter, she is very much alone, and we have to sympathize with her precarious situation. Lots of building intrigue, this is a complicated plot but you are orchestrating it with skill and tact. And lots of polish. I can see this as a published book or even a TV movie. estory
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Great job with this chapter. I thought this was back on track, tightly composed with tense, sharp dialogue, and I like how you orchestrated this movement of Ayesha into this manipulated scheme of the police chief, Suttikil. He manuevers her in her shock to sign the documents so they can proceed with their plot to smuggle Bruno out of the country. And we see him getting up out of those death clothes on his way, apparently. He also plants in her head the idea that Bapit has betrayed her. By the end of the chapter, she is very much alone, and we have to sympathize with her precarious situation. Lots of building intrigue, this is a complicated plot but you are orchestrating it with skill and tact. And lots of polish. I can see this as a published book or even a TV movie. estory
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks for the review and your encouraging comments, estory. I'm glad you think this is going well and that the chapter was worth a sixth star. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this addition with. I would think Ayesha since she was a suspect for committing murder that she would wonder about the change. HMM, I do hope she works things out with Bapit, but he's in a bad way now and probably blames her for it. This is a good write.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thank you for sharing this addition with. I would think Ayesha since she was a suspect for committing murder that she would wonder about the change. HMM, I do hope she works things out with Bapit, but he's in a bad way now and probably blames her for it. This is a good write.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks for the review and your comments, Barbara. Always appreciated. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from BethShelby
Poor Bapit. After everything else he has gone through it seem he has been hit by a car. Ayesha seems suspicious of the circumstances surrounding her. She thought she would be acused of killing her husband because she ran. I'll be waiting to see where the story takes us next.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Poor Bapit. After everything else he has gone through it seem he has been hit by a car. Ayesha seems suspicious of the circumstances surrounding her. She thought she would be acused of killing her husband because she ran. I'll be waiting to see where the story takes us next.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks for the review and your comments, Beth. Always appreciated. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from Jim Wile
Lots of confusing thoughts and emotions going around inside Ayesha's head now. Suttikul is acting very suspiciously, and despite how wretchedly Bapit treated her, she can't help but wonder about him. The intrigue is definitely growing, and I'm guessing Ayesha will soon be in the crosshairs.
Nice metaphor with the beautiful spider who attracts her mates, which stirs Somchai's suspicions about his friend's fate. Very nicely written, Tony.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Lots of confusing thoughts and emotions going around inside Ayesha's head now. Suttikul is acting very suspiciously, and despite how wretchedly Bapit treated her, she can't help but wonder about him. The intrigue is definitely growing, and I'm guessing Ayesha will soon be in the crosshairs.
Nice metaphor with the beautiful spider who attracts her mates, which stirs Somchai's suspicions about his friend's fate. Very nicely written, Tony.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks for the review and your comments, Jim. Always appreciated. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from Jacob1395
You can feel how angry Ayesha is with Bapit for having kissed her in the previous chapter. I'm wondering what is going to become of Ayesha now and if her and Bapit will cross paths again. A well written chapter, I really enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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You can feel how angry Ayesha is with Bapit for having kissed her in the previous chapter. I'm wondering what is going to become of Ayesha now and if her and Bapit will cross paths again. A well written chapter, I really enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks for the review, Jacob. Glad you enjoyed the chapter. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from Sankey
This was a great read, again. You are doing well with this new tale. I remember, I think it was a mini-series on TV about the Bangkok Hilton, many years ago, you mention in this.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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This was a great read, again. You are doing well with this new tale. I remember, I think it was a mini-series on TV about the Bangkok Hilton, many years ago, you mention in this.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks for the review, Geoffrey. I don't watch much TV, but remember reading about the series somewhere. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from Sanku
I had missed earlier two chapters and i read them first. Bapit was quite silly and so he had to pay heavily for his romantic notions. Major Suttukul and Bruno are a good pair How smoothly he arranges his"death'.Ayesha ,dumbfounded that she is not being charged is in a daze...I liked Somchai's treatise about the spider
I am enjoying this story . have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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I had missed earlier two chapters and i read them first. Bapit was quite silly and so he had to pay heavily for his romantic notions. Major Suttukul and Bruno are a good pair How smoothly he arranges his"death'.Ayesha ,dumbfounded that she is not being charged is in a daze...I liked Somchai's treatise about the spider
I am enjoying this story . have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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A very happy Christmas and New Year to you, too, Sanku. I appreciate your continued interest in my story and your supportive comments. All good wishes, Tony.
Thanks, too, for the sixth star. Most affirming.
Comment from Navada
Oh, no! Poor Bapit! I was hoping he might somehow get away, but now it seems he is in real trouble. Ayesha's future is also far from certain. I really liked your language choices and use of imagery throughout this chapter - they really enhance the story. Now I'm anxiously waiting to see how badly Bapit is injured and what will be done with Bruno! (I also suspect the make-up artist will come to a sticky end ...)
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Oh, no! Poor Bapit! I was hoping he might somehow get away, but now it seems he is in real trouble. Ayesha's future is also far from certain. I really liked your language choices and use of imagery throughout this chapter - they really enhance the story. Now I'm anxiously waiting to see how badly Bapit is injured and what will be done with Bruno! (I also suspect the make-up artist will come to a sticky end ...)
Comment Written 23-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks very much for this most affirming review, and congratulations on your placing in the Haiku contest. Best wishes, Tony.
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Thank you so much! :)
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I wondered why the dead Bruno wasn't dead but the police want people to believe he is dead. Bapit sounds as if he might now be dead. Ayesha is being used and fortunately doesn't seem to blame Bapit for her interview with the police. This is a complex plot that seems to take place in Thailand where anything can be arranged. Well written and intriguing.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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I wondered why the dead Bruno wasn't dead but the police want people to believe he is dead. Bapit sounds as if he might now be dead. Ayesha is being used and fortunately doesn't seem to blame Bapit for her interview with the police. This is a complex plot that seems to take place in Thailand where anything can be arranged. Well written and intriguing.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thanks for your continued support, Carol. Some of the complexities should start to unravel soon, otherwise I'll end up tied in knots.
Comment from Aaron Milavec
You are a real master of narration.
By way of fine-tuning, consider this:
missing his footing on the kerb, he stumbled into the street. A horn blared and there was a screech of brakes, followed by a sickening thud.
[Neat sequence of images. Captivating.]
*****
That evening, Ayesha sat on the verandah with Somchai. She felt protected in his small tropic garden. It seemed to possess the power to hold the surrounding jungle at bay. Even so, she could see tendrils creeping silently over the wall, waiting to attack, urged on by a harsh, discordant symphony of cicadas surrounding the outer wall. They seemed to warn with their strident screeching of demons lying in wait in the wilderness. The garden glistened fresh from the afternoon rains, and the ropes of an orb spider's web hung heavy with jewelled drops that sparkled as they caught the amber glow of the streetlamp.
[Here the two images conflict with each other: (a) the wall and (b) the orb spider. Since the conversation develops the spider metaphor so nicely, I would suggest dropping completely the wall metaphor.]
You write: his small tropic garden.
Suggest: his small tropical garden.
Peace and joy in creative writing,
Aaron
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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You are a real master of narration.
By way of fine-tuning, consider this:
missing his footing on the kerb, he stumbled into the street. A horn blared and there was a screech of brakes, followed by a sickening thud.
[Neat sequence of images. Captivating.]
*****
That evening, Ayesha sat on the verandah with Somchai. She felt protected in his small tropic garden. It seemed to possess the power to hold the surrounding jungle at bay. Even so, she could see tendrils creeping silently over the wall, waiting to attack, urged on by a harsh, discordant symphony of cicadas surrounding the outer wall. They seemed to warn with their strident screeching of demons lying in wait in the wilderness. The garden glistened fresh from the afternoon rains, and the ropes of an orb spider's web hung heavy with jewelled drops that sparkled as they caught the amber glow of the streetlamp.
[Here the two images conflict with each other: (a) the wall and (b) the orb spider. Since the conversation develops the spider metaphor so nicely, I would suggest dropping completely the wall metaphor.]
You write: his small tropic garden.
Suggest: his small tropical garden.
Peace and joy in creative writing,
Aaron
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much for your supportive comments and suggestion, Aaron. Two disparate metaphors in close proximity are always dangerous, and I shall certainly consider what you say. I was attempting to contrast her fear of what lies beyond with the relative safety of Somchai's garden, a safety only prejudiced by her own presence. Maybe I shouldn't try to be so clever. Kill your darlings. Isn't that what they say?
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Why Thailand? I'm just getting ready to go there for a week.
Aaron
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My daughter was working there some time ago on a photographic assignment for six months. She was helping a Muay Thai boxing club with their website and promotional literature. We joined her on holiday for a couple of weeks. She was based in Kata, a small town on the island of Phuket, that is the main location for this story.
