Panpipes
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Panpipes - Chapter 2"A Novella
26 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I like the language you've used Tony. To my ears it sounds as I would expect to hear. I'm liking the difference of Bapit's helpful nature and Somchai, who sounds like a schemer. Good openi g chapters, Tony.
Cheers
Valda
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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I like the language you've used Tony. To my ears it sounds as I would expect to hear. I'm liking the difference of Bapit's helpful nature and Somchai, who sounds like a schemer. Good openi g chapters, Tony.
Cheers
Valda
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Thanks so much, Valda. It's great to hear that the dialogue is coming across as being authentic. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from estory
The intrigue and romance are both moving along nicely in this unfolding story, the dialogue is crisp and we can hear the emotions roiling in the voices. It seems Ayesha has maybe killed her husband, by accident, or at least she is suspected. The appearance of the stern police injects an element of tension and suspense and we feel for the girl who might be in trouble. We also sense Bapit's underlying attraction as he tries to shield her and helps her out by finding her a room and driving her there. Somchai seems like a good guy, but then he finds himself involved with this murder suspect and he doesn't seem altogether OK with this situation. He has to look out for himself. Overall, nice well defined characters and the interplay between them is full of tension, attraction and uncertainty. This is complicated already and the readers are hooked. Brilliant start to this. I think you have lots of polish on this too. estory
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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The intrigue and romance are both moving along nicely in this unfolding story, the dialogue is crisp and we can hear the emotions roiling in the voices. It seems Ayesha has maybe killed her husband, by accident, or at least she is suspected. The appearance of the stern police injects an element of tension and suspense and we feel for the girl who might be in trouble. We also sense Bapit's underlying attraction as he tries to shield her and helps her out by finding her a room and driving her there. Somchai seems like a good guy, but then he finds himself involved with this murder suspect and he doesn't seem altogether OK with this situation. He has to look out for himself. Overall, nice well defined characters and the interplay between them is full of tension, attraction and uncertainty. This is complicated already and the readers are hooked. Brilliant start to this. I think you have lots of polish on this too. estory
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Another six! I'm honoured! More to the point, I really appreciate your detailed review and comments. Thank you! All my best wishes, Tony.
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This one is coming along nicely. I'd say its a candidate for a publisher so far. estory
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I will have to hold back a six for you, Tony, they've nearly always gone come Tuesday. This is such a good story. Bapit is so gullible and really believes that his friend Somchai is trustworthy. But it doesn't take away that Ayesha is in big trouble, accident or not, she ran, and her husband is dead. How is she going to prove her innocence? Well done again, my friend. I'm already looking forward to the next chapter. :) Sandra
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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I will have to hold back a six for you, Tony, they've nearly always gone come Tuesday. This is such a good story. Bapit is so gullible and really believes that his friend Somchai is trustworthy. But it doesn't take away that Ayesha is in big trouble, accident or not, she ran, and her husband is dead. How is she going to prove her innocence? Well done again, my friend. I'm already looking forward to the next chapter. :) Sandra
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Thanks so much, Sandra. I really appreciate your kind words and support. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Somchai doesn't seem like a very good friend to me. I don't trust him. I feel he's only out for himself. I am afraid for Ayesha. Things don't seem to be going her way. I really like this story. You're doing a good job writing.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Somchai doesn't seem like a very good friend to me. I don't trust him. I feel he's only out for himself. I am afraid for Ayesha. Things don't seem to be going her way. I really like this story. You're doing a good job writing.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Thanks, Barbara. I appreciate your kind words and support. The real villain of the piece could be making an appearance soon.
Comment from Sanku
Oh! I can see that Bapit is too innocent,young and trusting and is going get into trouble. Ayesha wil drag him too into the mire ..
I liked the way you write and enjoyed this totally different type of story ...
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Oh! I can see that Bapit is too innocent,young and trusting and is going get into trouble. Ayesha wil drag him too into the mire ..
I liked the way you write and enjoyed this totally different type of story ...
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Very many thanks, Sanku. As you suggest, Bapit is somewhat naive. All good wishes, Tony.
Comment from Jim Wile
The suspense is starting to mount now, and seemingly beguiled by her beauty and vulnerability, Bapit finds himself lying to the police about her. Oh the power of a beautiful woman!
Will they all take a moment to think this through? Will passion overcome their better judgment? Will Somchai figure out a way to make money from the situation? I can't wait to find out. You've got an engrossing tale going here, Tony. - Jim
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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The suspense is starting to mount now, and seemingly beguiled by her beauty and vulnerability, Bapit finds himself lying to the police about her. Oh the power of a beautiful woman!
Will they all take a moment to think this through? Will passion overcome their better judgment? Will Somchai figure out a way to make money from the situation? I can't wait to find out. You've got an engrossing tale going here, Tony. - Jim
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Thanks, Jim, for your review and stabs at the future direction of this. Hang in there! All will eventually be revealed. LOL
All the best, Tony.
Comment from Pantygynt
The story develops well in the classical way with a series of problems confronting a lead character, Bapit. It continues to enthrall and I am sure we are all on the edge of our seats waiting for future developments
Your style appears to have changed and you are now following your own recent advice to me and others. Your sentences are much shorter and the style is almost as if these were notes for later expansion. Maybe that is the accepted style these days but it seems impoverished to me. I have noticed this staccato effect is much favoured by Americans who seem to have forgotten how to construct a sentence with subsidiary clauses, so I suppose it is not unreasonable to find it on an American site like Fanstory.
Personally I can't wait for it to fall out of fashion.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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The story develops well in the classical way with a series of problems confronting a lead character, Bapit. It continues to enthrall and I am sure we are all on the edge of our seats waiting for future developments
Your style appears to have changed and you are now following your own recent advice to me and others. Your sentences are much shorter and the style is almost as if these were notes for later expansion. Maybe that is the accepted style these days but it seems impoverished to me. I have noticed this staccato effect is much favoured by Americans who seem to have forgotten how to construct a sentence with subsidiary clauses, so I suppose it is not unreasonable to find it on an American site like Fanstory.
Personally I can't wait for it to fall out of fashion.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Interesting comments, Jim. What with Twitter and texting, everything seems to be cut up into bite-sized portions these days. Gone are the leisurely Edwardian dinners and discourses of our forebears.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Tangled webs.
Nicely written. Good work.
Ayesha is lucky so far, but luck only goes so far.
Bapit had better watch his Ps and Qs as we used to say.
Good luck with the story.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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Tangled webs.
Nicely written. Good work.
Ayesha is lucky so far, but luck only goes so far.
Bapit had better watch his Ps and Qs as we used to say.
Good luck with the story.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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Thanks, Wayne. I appreciate your review. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Tony,
A good continuation of the story here as the plot starts to expand nicely.
A couple of things I noted down as I read through -
'Drink your chai before it gets cold and tell me what the problem is. I'm all ears--like an elephant.'- the closing speech marks are a different form to the opening ones.
'It's only me!" Bapit shouted. 'I've brought you the guest I texted about.'- the closing speech marks at the end of the first piece of dialogue are double but all others are single.
The major glanced up from his paperwork. 'Full name?'- different form of opening and closing speech marks.
'There is a problem, though,' Somchai continued. 'If- variable speech mark forms.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Hi Tony,
A good continuation of the story here as the plot starts to expand nicely.
A couple of things I noted down as I read through -
'Drink your chai before it gets cold and tell me what the problem is. I'm all ears--like an elephant.'- the closing speech marks are a different form to the opening ones.
'It's only me!" Bapit shouted. 'I've brought you the guest I texted about.'- the closing speech marks at the end of the first piece of dialogue are double but all others are single.
The major glanced up from his paperwork. 'Full name?'- different form of opening and closing speech marks.
'There is a problem, though,' Somchai continued. 'If- variable speech mark forms.
All the best
G
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2023
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Thanks very much for pointing out the speech mark and apostrophe errors. I hadn't noticed they come out differently depending on whether I'm editing in Word, which I have set to curly quotes, or the FS editor, which is set to the American preference for straight quotes. I shall need to look out for that in future.
Comment from Lisasview
Good morning Tony,
Wow, you really have the beginning of quite a story. I find it to be quite well written...
I normally do not have anytime to read stories...unless they are short.
I am a poet so I guess I mainly read poems and here and there a very short story.
I just love it that you ran a small farm and a B&B... at one time my husband and I thought about owning a B&B...
Lisasview, now living full time in Spain
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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Good morning Tony,
Wow, you really have the beginning of quite a story. I find it to be quite well written...
I normally do not have anytime to read stories...unless they are short.
I am a poet so I guess I mainly read poems and here and there a very short story.
I just love it that you ran a small farm and a B&B... at one time my husband and I thought about owning a B&B...
Lisasview, now living full time in Spain
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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Thank you, Lisa. So good of you to drop by. I enjoyed the B&B, though after fifteen years of it, we'd had enough.
I have a niece in Madrid, married to a Spaniard, and my daughter lived there for a year - so we've travelled over a few times. My wife speaks Spanish, which is an advantage.
