Panpipes
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Panpipes"A Novella
35 total reviews
Comment from Frank Malley
This well-written, fast-paced chapter efficiently but attractively establishes the characters and the threads of plot that will continue to hold our attention to this story which combines the familiar and ordinary with the unexpected and perhaps magical. The author is skillful and practiced in his storytellling.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
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This well-written, fast-paced chapter efficiently but attractively establishes the characters and the threads of plot that will continue to hold our attention to this story which combines the familiar and ordinary with the unexpected and perhaps magical. The author is skillful and practiced in his storytellling.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much, Frank, for your kind words and the sixth star. Greatly appreciated. All good wishes, Tony
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Be well, Tony. Frank
Comment from Jim Wile
What a terrific start to a novella, Tony. I loved this! First of all, it takes place in an exotic locale I know very little about, so it was interesting from that perspective. I loved your literary style of writing with beautiful descriptions such as, " She, on the other hand, was imprisoned in a gilded cage and had lost her freedom to sing. That was a deeper sadness."
It promises to be heartwarming, as Bapit appears to be a very decent and compassionate fellow who cares deeply about the elephant, and maybe Ayesha will be able to break out of her current lifestyle, which isn't working out so well for her, and find her way to a simpler and more fulfilling life with Bapit.
This is a very encouraging start. - Jim
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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What a terrific start to a novella, Tony. I loved this! First of all, it takes place in an exotic locale I know very little about, so it was interesting from that perspective. I loved your literary style of writing with beautiful descriptions such as, " She, on the other hand, was imprisoned in a gilded cage and had lost her freedom to sing. That was a deeper sadness."
It promises to be heartwarming, as Bapit appears to be a very decent and compassionate fellow who cares deeply about the elephant, and maybe Ayesha will be able to break out of her current lifestyle, which isn't working out so well for her, and find her way to a simpler and more fulfilling life with Bapit.
This is a very encouraging start. - Jim
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Thanks for this most encouraging review, Jim, and for the sixth star. Glad to hear you enjoyed the opening chapter. I anticipate posting Chapter Two when I return from a holiday in Queensland next week.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Wow, I can't wait to read more of this story. The descriptions are vivid and well done. The dialogue is perfect and carries the story along beautifully. I love stories that include compassion for animals. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Wow, I can't wait to read more of this story. The descriptions are vivid and well done. The dialogue is perfect and carries the story along beautifully. I love stories that include compassion for animals. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Very many thanks for your review and kind words. Greatly appreciated. So glad to hear you enjoyed this first chapter. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Tony. Good to see you back on the job again. Hope all goes well, I guess Adelaide is starting to heat up a bit...
Fine job of setting up a longer story here. As usual a strong point is excellent in-depth knowledge of the exotic setting - not just the description, but also the relaxed use of snippets of local Indonesian language and seeming familiarity with some of the cruel practices associated with elephant training!
At first I was a little taken aback by the changing POV, from Ayesha to Bapit and back again, but you control that well. Perhaps it is not really POV at all, but more of a 'focus' on each character in turn with eye-of-god narration.
Anyway, well-deserving of a sixth star and I shall be looking out for future episodes. I may even finally sign up as a fan!
Steve
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
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Hi, Tony. Good to see you back on the job again. Hope all goes well, I guess Adelaide is starting to heat up a bit...
Fine job of setting up a longer story here. As usual a strong point is excellent in-depth knowledge of the exotic setting - not just the description, but also the relaxed use of snippets of local Indonesian language and seeming familiarity with some of the cruel practices associated with elephant training!
At first I was a little taken aback by the changing POV, from Ayesha to Bapit and back again, but you control that well. Perhaps it is not really POV at all, but more of a 'focus' on each character in turn with eye-of-god narration.
Anyway, well-deserving of a sixth star and I shall be looking out for future episodes. I may even finally sign up as a fan!
Steve
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
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Thanks, Steve. Good to have you as a fan! Yes, hot in Adelaide and sweltering up here in Queensland. We're visiting our daughter and two raucous grandchildren for a week. Off to watch turtles hatching this evening.
Glad you enjoyed this first chapter and I appreciate the sixth star. I'm not feeling particularly godlike at the moment but that's the chosen POV. One can always make believe.
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We managed to survive Cairns for ten years - but then we had been prepped by eight years in Singapore.
Enjoy the turtles! And the grandchildren - our only one is in Melbourne so we don't get to see her half as much as we would like!
Comment from Jacob1395
This was a really engaging chapter. I could sense Bapit's frustration, especially when Ayesha wouldn't give him the asking price for the pipes. Ayesha, to me, really didn't come across as a nice person, and I thought that you brought her character to life really well in your writing. I did, however feel sorry for her as I learned that Bruno, her husband, was absuive towards her towards the end of the piece, and especially with that final scene. A really well written piece, I really enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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This was a really engaging chapter. I could sense Bapit's frustration, especially when Ayesha wouldn't give him the asking price for the pipes. Ayesha, to me, really didn't come across as a nice person, and I thought that you brought her character to life really well in your writing. I did, however feel sorry for her as I learned that Bruno, her husband, was absuive towards her towards the end of the piece, and especially with that final scene. A really well written piece, I really enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Very many thanks for your review and kind words, Jacob. Greatly appreciated. I'm delighted that you enjoyed this first chapter enough to award a sixth star. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from rspoet
Hello Tony,
Good to see you back on the site with such a strong beginning to your novella marked by your outstanding description and creative imagery.
It reminded me a bit of your earlier story about the orphan. Though Bapit
isn't an orphan, he seems very much alone. Just Bapit and Abharamu against the world.
One very minor item: You used 'anyway' twice, neither seemed necessary. I would drop both.
Once each in the paragraphs beginning
Word soon spread...
Bapit knew it was far below...
A six for sure.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Hello Tony,
Good to see you back on the site with such a strong beginning to your novella marked by your outstanding description and creative imagery.
It reminded me a bit of your earlier story about the orphan. Though Bapit
isn't an orphan, he seems very much alone. Just Bapit and Abharamu against the world.
One very minor item: You used 'anyway' twice, neither seemed necessary. I would drop both.
Once each in the paragraphs beginning
Word soon spread...
Bapit knew it was far below...
A six for sure.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Thanks Robert. I've excised the two offending anyways. How the miscreants crept in I shall never know.
I'm delighted by your positive response to the first chapter of this and appreciate the sixth star.
Comment from Rob Rinne
The story "Pan Pipes" by Tony Fawcus puts is on the Island of Phuket in Thailand. The writing captures the vibrant and diverse atmosphere of Phuket, from the bustling beaches to the trekking lodge. Descriptions of the environment, characters, and actions are vivid and engaging.T he inclusion of cultural references, such as the Thai hawkers, the music of pan pipes, and the elephant trekking lodge, adds authenticity and depth to the narrative.
Characters like Ayesha, Bapit, and Abharamu are intriguing and have distinct personalities and backgrounds, creating an interesting dynamic within the story, however if we understood Ayesha's motivations and background, readers could find her more relatable. While the story sets up potentially emotional scenarios, deeper exploration of the characters' feelings and reactions could add a more profound layer to the story. More fluid and realistic interactions, where the dialogue wasn't so stilted, would enhance the believability of the characters and their relationships.
The narrative feels somewhat disjointed, with several plot threads introduced but not fully developed. A clearer focus or central storyline would enhance the reader's engagement and understanding. But as this is a chapter in a larger piece of work, time will tell. If we set that aspect of the narrative aside, the story and the narrative could benefit from a more consistent pacing. Maybe go over it and try to define a single, central conflict that characters work towards resolution. It would give the story a stronger sense of direction and purpose.
"Pan Pipes" presents an engaging setting with a diverse cast of characters and cultural elements. Deeper character development, clearer plot direction, improved pacing, and more emotional depth - enhancing these aspects could turn the narrative into a more cohesive and compelling read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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The story "Pan Pipes" by Tony Fawcus puts is on the Island of Phuket in Thailand. The writing captures the vibrant and diverse atmosphere of Phuket, from the bustling beaches to the trekking lodge. Descriptions of the environment, characters, and actions are vivid and engaging.T he inclusion of cultural references, such as the Thai hawkers, the music of pan pipes, and the elephant trekking lodge, adds authenticity and depth to the narrative.
Characters like Ayesha, Bapit, and Abharamu are intriguing and have distinct personalities and backgrounds, creating an interesting dynamic within the story, however if we understood Ayesha's motivations and background, readers could find her more relatable. While the story sets up potentially emotional scenarios, deeper exploration of the characters' feelings and reactions could add a more profound layer to the story. More fluid and realistic interactions, where the dialogue wasn't so stilted, would enhance the believability of the characters and their relationships.
The narrative feels somewhat disjointed, with several plot threads introduced but not fully developed. A clearer focus or central storyline would enhance the reader's engagement and understanding. But as this is a chapter in a larger piece of work, time will tell. If we set that aspect of the narrative aside, the story and the narrative could benefit from a more consistent pacing. Maybe go over it and try to define a single, central conflict that characters work towards resolution. It would give the story a stronger sense of direction and purpose.
"Pan Pipes" presents an engaging setting with a diverse cast of characters and cultural elements. Deeper character development, clearer plot direction, improved pacing, and more emotional depth - enhancing these aspects could turn the narrative into a more cohesive and compelling read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Hi, Rob. Much food for thought here. Thank you very much for this thorough and useful review. Greatly appreciated. All good wishes, Tony.
Comment from Sanku
i loved this .I am from the state of Kerala in Southern India where elephants and mahouts are a common sights.We use elephants during temple festivals. I used to feel so bad for them since they had to stand for hours wearing adornments and listen to drum beats..
I have watched an elephant being tamed too...Too cruel..
I am sure this is going to be an interesting read...
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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i loved this .I am from the state of Kerala in Southern India where elephants and mahouts are a common sights.We use elephants during temple festivals. I used to feel so bad for them since they had to stand for hours wearing adornments and listen to drum beats..
I have watched an elephant being tamed too...Too cruel..
I am sure this is going to be an interesting read...
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my opening chapter. I agree with you about elephants. I have seen them toiling up and down the hillsides in Sri Lanka as well as being used for tourist rides in Thailand.
Comment from lyenochka
Super beginning! You created some memorable characters and we are already pulling for Bapit and Abharamu. I think some drastic character change has to happen until we get to like Ayesha but I'm sure your story will do that. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Super beginning! You created some memorable characters and we are already pulling for Bapit and Abharamu. I think some drastic character change has to happen until we get to like Ayesha but I'm sure your story will do that. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thanks so much for this supportive review of my first chapter. Both Ayesha and Bapit will have a few adjustments to make.
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So glad you are back, Tony! 💞
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This was a great first chapter of a book, Tony. A lot of different aspects to which the story no doubt builds. And lovely scenes between boy and elephant. I look forward to reading more, cheers. Valda
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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This was a great first chapter of a book, Tony. A lot of different aspects to which the story no doubt builds. And lovely scenes between boy and elephant. I look forward to reading more, cheers. Valda
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thanks for your encouraging review of my first chapter, Valda. I'm glad you enjoyed it. All good wishes, Tony.
