Just Desserts
The jungle hides many sins.24 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a great story, good writing, no obvious errors. The characters all have understandable motivation. I can see it in an online magazine, maybe even a print edition, although most of the horror mags seem to be online. The only think I'm suggesting in changing the title. The one you have seems prudish. I have a marketing suggestion: look on Ralan.com. He is a British guy who has/(had as I haven't looked at it recently) a really good site for market information.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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This is a great story, good writing, no obvious errors. The characters all have understandable motivation. I can see it in an online magazine, maybe even a print edition, although most of the horror mags seem to be online. The only think I'm suggesting in changing the title. The one you have seems prudish. I have a marketing suggestion: look on Ralan.com. He is a British guy who has/(had as I haven't looked at it recently) a really good site for market information.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, Carol! I appreciate the sixer. Seems that people like this one! Appreciate the tip on Ralan.com
Bless you,
D
Comment from Jim Wile
Very well written, D. I loved your descriptions of your two main characters: the studly psychopath who can bang four prostitutes in one night and who gets so aroused he must cut himself to ease his nerves, and the sexy swimsuit model who turns into a deadly cat-woman with a super sensitive nose and her own lust for blood and death.
I've always loved how the meanest guys turn into big babies, pleading for their lives the way their victims always used to. Well, he met his match this time, and it's the end of the road for him. Sounds like she was toying with him for as long as the screams went on.
Great piece of fiction! - Jim
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Very well written, D. I loved your descriptions of your two main characters: the studly psychopath who can bang four prostitutes in one night and who gets so aroused he must cut himself to ease his nerves, and the sexy swimsuit model who turns into a deadly cat-woman with a super sensitive nose and her own lust for blood and death.
I've always loved how the meanest guys turn into big babies, pleading for their lives the way their victims always used to. Well, he met his match this time, and it's the end of the road for him. Sounds like she was toying with him for as long as the screams went on.
Great piece of fiction! - Jim
Comment Written 21-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Just desserts, indeed! The toughest ones do cry a lot. The second in command of the Sureno 13's sat in the back of a squad car and cried like a baby while I interviewed him after we arrested him. Thanks for the well wishes. Hopefully others liked it as well. Appreciate you.
D
Comment from Jacob1395
That was a good twist. I was really beginning to fear for Amber, as Coy began to hatch his plan, but I absolutely loved how she managed to beat him at his own game. He is truly a nasty individual, so it was a very satisfactory ending. I really enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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That was a good twist. I was really beginning to fear for Amber, as Coy began to hatch his plan, but I absolutely loved how she managed to beat him at his own game. He is truly a nasty individual, so it was a very satisfactory ending. I really enjoyed it.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, Jacob. We shall see if others did as well!
Comment from Wendyanne
OMG what a totally unexpected ending to this very well written horror story based on the idea of "Secrets in the Night", He certainly got his just desserts!! Well done and good luck.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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OMG what a totally unexpected ending to this very well written horror story based on the idea of "Secrets in the Night", He certainly got his just desserts!! Well done and good luck.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, Wendy. Wasn?t sure how this very dark piece would hold up on FS but seems to be doing well. I appreciate your consistently warm reviews!
Comment from Thesis
Excellent story. I enjoyed how you wrote this. Nothing is as it appears, especially with the amazing twist making the predator the prey. I was also struck by your having interviewed Kenneth Froude. That must have been some experience.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Excellent story. I enjoyed how you wrote this. Nothing is as it appears, especially with the amazing twist making the predator the prey. I was also struck by your having interviewed Kenneth Froude. That must have been some experience.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, my friend! I really appreciate the Six star and nice words. Frouds was a piece of work. Now we see how it fares!
Comment from Soledadpaz
Excellent first sentence, sets the scene immediately.
Second para: perhaps shape instead of the second "form."
Perhaps: (her) bathing suit
Perhaps: exquisite, supple curves
Powerfully vivid, his slashing his forearm.
Perhaps to tighten up a bit: In his late thirties, he had
Tanned, he always carried
Perhaps: Panama was the first place
Perhaps write out what CIS stands for.
Well, an unexpected twist!
Suggest revise the tree sentence. It interrupts the scene. Perhaps: small grove of Amazonia palm trees
Suggest making the first sentence of the last paragraph the very last sentence of the story.
Sol
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2023
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Excellent first sentence, sets the scene immediately.
Second para: perhaps shape instead of the second "form."
Perhaps: (her) bathing suit
Perhaps: exquisite, supple curves
Powerfully vivid, his slashing his forearm.
Perhaps to tighten up a bit: In his late thirties, he had
Tanned, he always carried
Perhaps: Panama was the first place
Perhaps write out what CIS stands for.
Well, an unexpected twist!
Suggest revise the tree sentence. It interrupts the scene. Perhaps: small grove of Amazonia palm trees
Suggest making the first sentence of the last paragraph the very last sentence of the story.
Sol
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2023
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Great fixes, Sol! Appreciate you.
D
Comment from Navada
Wow. This is an absolutely chilling response to the prompt. You have certainly entered some very dark territory here and your vivid descriptions are definitely impactful for the audience. Karma for Coy!
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
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Wow. This is an absolutely chilling response to the prompt. You have certainly entered some very dark territory here and your vivid descriptions are definitely impactful for the audience. Karma for Coy!
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
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Thank you! I try to avoid the ?open? contest as they usually turn into popularity contests but I had to write for this prompt. I liked the specific nature of it . You have the
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Holy Moses!!!! I can't imagine for one second that will contest entry won't win this contest. If it doesn't, that's all the proof one would need that the contests are rigged. This is great writing. Is this contest reviewer vote or committee vote?
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Holy Moses!!!! I can't imagine for one second that will contest entry won't win this contest. If it doesn't, that's all the proof one would need that the contests are rigged. This is great writing. Is this contest reviewer vote or committee vote?
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, Barbara. This is an open vote. I have been unable to win an open vote as they tend to lean towards popularity contests. I have entered several of my best works into these open contests in the hopes of breaking that barrier. Although this piece is dark, I think it is faring well. We shall see! Thanks for the six star rating!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
What a horror story, Doug! And I was thinking two things as I read it: i) I bet you've drawn on your previous work experience; ii) what about a fantasy element? Your understanding of this sort of evil is excellently captured: that overwhelming need to control and own someone, while keeping a strict management over your own instincts. And once the crimes evolve into murder, then self-gratification will step up too, requiring more and more risk and imagination. The transition into fantasy (a genre in which you excel) was a great way of dispatching the offender in as cruel a way as possible, providing a healthy supply of catharsis to the reader. A very lengthy read, Doug, but a gripping one and one that I'm sure will serve you well in the contest. Well done and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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What a horror story, Doug! And I was thinking two things as I read it: i) I bet you've drawn on your previous work experience; ii) what about a fantasy element? Your understanding of this sort of evil is excellently captured: that overwhelming need to control and own someone, while keeping a strict management over your own instincts. And once the crimes evolve into murder, then self-gratification will step up too, requiring more and more risk and imagination. The transition into fantasy (a genre in which you excel) was a great way of dispatching the offender in as cruel a way as possible, providing a healthy supply of catharsis to the reader. A very lengthy read, Doug, but a gripping one and one that I'm sure will serve you well in the contest. Well done and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, Debbie. We shall see how this does as it may be a bit dark for the older folks here. It is a concern. Although, Amber is a giant cat, so maybe that is why it is faring well. Ha!
Thank you for your kindness!!!
Comment from BethShelby
I have admit although your story sickened me with it's details It was well written. I did like the ending. I wanted to see this man die a horrible death and yor provided that with you Amber demon cat. I've made it a practice not to read stories that aren't promoted and are only paying 2 cents and I pretty sure this was paying more when I started reading it. I don't post anything I can't promote for at least three days so no matter how good the writer is I not likely to read anything the writer doesn't promote. That only seems fair.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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I have admit although your story sickened me with it's details It was well written. I did like the ending. I wanted to see this man die a horrible death and yor provided that with you Amber demon cat. I've made it a practice not to read stories that aren't promoted and are only paying 2 cents and I pretty sure this was paying more when I started reading it. I don't post anything I can't promote for at least three days so no matter how good the writer is I not likely to read anything the writer doesn't promote. That only seems fair.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Sickened you? Oh my.
Yes, I do agree with your review policy. I?m just not sure if you promote before you get two reviews do you lose that bonus? Because I had received two reviews while sleeping and didn?t promote until I awoke in the afternoon(working mids).
Anyways, I will read a 1/2 if it has a catchy title or was written by one of my favorites. But it is rare.
I also fear that this piece is too dark to win a FS contest as there is an older crowd here. We shall see!
Bless you, always Beth. I am quite fond of your honesty.
D
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I don't know about the bonus. I never pay any attention to it because you don't need it if you plan to promote.it.
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I don't know about the bonus. I never pay any attention to it because you don't need it if you plan to promote.it.
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Ah?. I see. I thought the difference was the 50%verses 25%.
