Nameless
A ghost story.18 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
I like the story a lot.
The one suggestion I would have for improvement is to switch paragraphs one and two to make the story flow more smoothly. Paragraph two seems more like an introduction and it interrupts the present day story. Paragraph one flows nicely into paragraph three.
I was going to make suggestions about sentence structure and dialogue tags, but I see Faith Williams has done great job with that so I would just say ditto.
You have a great story here and I hope you do well in the contest you are writing this for.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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I like the story a lot.
The one suggestion I would have for improvement is to switch paragraphs one and two to make the story flow more smoothly. Paragraph two seems more like an introduction and it interrupts the present day story. Paragraph one flows nicely into paragraph three.
I was going to make suggestions about sentence structure and dialogue tags, but I see Faith Williams has done great job with that so I would just say ditto.
You have a great story here and I hope you do well in the contest you are writing this for.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Hello, my friend. I did go back and rewrite the first two paragraphs. Thank you for your kind words and help with this story. It's deeply appreciated!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very nice story. Nicely written.
The only thing I would change is the last line. It's a bit anti-climactic - unnecessary. The story would end better without it.
Or end it with Dylan not believing in ghosts and giving an blood-churning laugh.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Very nice story. Nicely written.
The only thing I would change is the last line. It's a bit anti-climactic - unnecessary. The story would end better without it.
Or end it with Dylan not believing in ghosts and giving an blood-churning laugh.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Hi, Wayne. Thank you for your kind words and help with this story!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Faith Williams
Ooo, that's a creepy story, Mike. I like Nameless for the ghost's name and that the ghost is a champion of children. And the inclusion of a personal anecdote from Dylan's mom adds depth to the story.
There are a lot of suggestions, but please keep in mind (1) I don't know the parameters to the contest you're entering and (2) They are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them whatever you want.
Suggestions to consider:
General suggestions:
I think I'd start the story with the church, the cemetery, and the legend of Nameless. I know the weather plays a part in this story, but I think the hook is with the legend. You could add the part about a hot, July day with the boys fishing, and the first mention of clouds with Dylan.
In this story, you have a tendency to almost exclusively use the same sentence structure. I think it would help if you switched some of them up.
Specific suggestions:
'Dylan (sees) his float (in the water) begin to drift away. It bounces twice, then disappears. ' I think you could delete those phrases and combine the sentences. 'Dylan's float drifts away, bobbing twice before it disappears.'
'A Catfish (comes) to the surface and spits the hook back at him.' I don't think catfish needs to be capitalized. I also think you could switch out 'comes' for a stronger verb: rises, swims.
'Dylan (sees) the skies darken, and a shiver runs down his spine.' Again, I don't think you need the word 'sees'. If you tell it right, the reader will 'see' what Dylan sees. 'As the skies darken, a shiver runs down Dylan's spine.'
He turns to Colt, (saying), "We need to get out of here before it gets too dark." I suggest deleting the dialogue tag. The surrounding narration lets the reader knows who is talking. 'He turns to Colt. "We need..."
'Colt pushes his blond hair out of his eyes (and asks), "Why is your precious ghost going to get us?" Again, I suggest deleting the dialogue tag. Also, I suggest making that first sentence of dialogue into two sentences. "Why? Is your... "
"That's what Mom thought when she was a kid," Dylan laughs and adjusts his Cubs hat. "Until one day, Nameless appeared beside her and snatched Mom out of the way of that car before it ran her down." You should have a period instead of a comma following 'kid'.
'The boys stop at Holt Road to check for traffic, and a strange car (comes flying down the road). It has all the windows darkened and slams on the brakes to turn down the gravel road through the cemetery. A trail of dust billows down the road, following the old black Ford.' Here, I think 'fly' is the stronger verb. Maybe, 'As the boys slow at Holt Road to check for traffic, a strange car with darkened windows flies past them.'
'Dylan turns to Colt, saying,' I suggest deleting the dialogue tag.
'They leave their stuff along the side of the road and head after the car. Dylan (sees) the darkness gathering with a clap of thunder to the west.'
Here's an example where you could switch up the sentence structure: 'Leaving their stuff along the side of the road, they head after the car.'
For the second sentence, I suggest deleting 'sees' and focus more on the darkness. You mention it several times, but how is it different this time? Does it appear to be following the car?
'Colt and Dylan park their bikes under an old Oak and (walk) between the tombstones to find the car.' I think you could switch out 'walk' for a stronger verb: sneak, tiptoe, slip.
'A man is standing in the headlights and looks to be smoking a cigarette, but it doesn't smell like it. The man throws it to the ground and (slowly walks) to the back of the car. He unlocks the door, and (suddenly), a girl leaps out of the backseat to run, but his hand grabs her blonde hair and yanks her back. The girl's scream is silenced with a loud slap.' I think you could switch out 'walks' for a stronger verb: ambles, sidles. Also, is the girl in the backseat or the trunk?
'The boys look at each other with shock, then (continue their journey).'
I think the latter part of this sentence feels out of place. It's not really a journey.
'The man, dressed in all black, collects the lump of flesh from the ground, lays her face (first) on the hood, and steps back to admire his prize. The girl is dressed in blue gym shorts and a matching tee shirt. She looks twelve or thirteen.'
'Dylan and Colt (have arrived) by a large tombstone a few feet from the car. They're trying to see the man's face, but he stays just out of the light. He finally decides it's time and approaches the girl with an evil smile.' I think maybe switch out 'have arrived' for something else. It sounds a little awkward. Maybe reach? Or hide? Also, if they can't see the man's face, how do they know about the evil smile? I suggest switching it out to something the boys can hear. Maybe the man says something which conveys evil, and the boys can hear it in the tone of his voice?
He sees the two boys (looking around) the gravestone (and says), "Help her." Nameless slowly disappears to the back of the woods.' I think you could switch out for a stronger verb, 'peeking' and delete the dialogue tag.
'Colt shakes Dylan out of his trance, saying,' Delete the dialogue tag.
'The police left Dylan's house shortly before midnight, and they're not sure what to believe.' I think this is another one where you could switch up the sentence structure, 'Leaving Dylan's house shortly before midnight, the police are not sure what to believe.'
Dylan is sitting on the porch throwing rocks in the driveway when Colt (sits) beside him. He smiles (and says), "I'm sorry for not believing you, Dylan." I think you could switch out the second 'sits' for a different verb: plops, perches. Also, delete the dialogue tag.
"Hey," Colt smiles, asking,' Delete the dialogue tag.
I really enjoyed this story, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Ooo, that's a creepy story, Mike. I like Nameless for the ghost's name and that the ghost is a champion of children. And the inclusion of a personal anecdote from Dylan's mom adds depth to the story.
There are a lot of suggestions, but please keep in mind (1) I don't know the parameters to the contest you're entering and (2) They are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them whatever you want.
Suggestions to consider:
General suggestions:
I think I'd start the story with the church, the cemetery, and the legend of Nameless. I know the weather plays a part in this story, but I think the hook is with the legend. You could add the part about a hot, July day with the boys fishing, and the first mention of clouds with Dylan.
In this story, you have a tendency to almost exclusively use the same sentence structure. I think it would help if you switched some of them up.
Specific suggestions:
'Dylan (sees) his float (in the water) begin to drift away. It bounces twice, then disappears. ' I think you could delete those phrases and combine the sentences. 'Dylan's float drifts away, bobbing twice before it disappears.'
'A Catfish (comes) to the surface and spits the hook back at him.' I don't think catfish needs to be capitalized. I also think you could switch out 'comes' for a stronger verb: rises, swims.
'Dylan (sees) the skies darken, and a shiver runs down his spine.' Again, I don't think you need the word 'sees'. If you tell it right, the reader will 'see' what Dylan sees. 'As the skies darken, a shiver runs down Dylan's spine.'
He turns to Colt, (saying), "We need to get out of here before it gets too dark." I suggest deleting the dialogue tag. The surrounding narration lets the reader knows who is talking. 'He turns to Colt. "We need..."
'Colt pushes his blond hair out of his eyes (and asks), "Why is your precious ghost going to get us?" Again, I suggest deleting the dialogue tag. Also, I suggest making that first sentence of dialogue into two sentences. "Why? Is your... "
"That's what Mom thought when she was a kid," Dylan laughs and adjusts his Cubs hat. "Until one day, Nameless appeared beside her and snatched Mom out of the way of that car before it ran her down." You should have a period instead of a comma following 'kid'.
'The boys stop at Holt Road to check for traffic, and a strange car (comes flying down the road). It has all the windows darkened and slams on the brakes to turn down the gravel road through the cemetery. A trail of dust billows down the road, following the old black Ford.' Here, I think 'fly' is the stronger verb. Maybe, 'As the boys slow at Holt Road to check for traffic, a strange car with darkened windows flies past them.'
'Dylan turns to Colt, saying,' I suggest deleting the dialogue tag.
'They leave their stuff along the side of the road and head after the car. Dylan (sees) the darkness gathering with a clap of thunder to the west.'
Here's an example where you could switch up the sentence structure: 'Leaving their stuff along the side of the road, they head after the car.'
For the second sentence, I suggest deleting 'sees' and focus more on the darkness. You mention it several times, but how is it different this time? Does it appear to be following the car?
'Colt and Dylan park their bikes under an old Oak and (walk) between the tombstones to find the car.' I think you could switch out 'walk' for a stronger verb: sneak, tiptoe, slip.
'A man is standing in the headlights and looks to be smoking a cigarette, but it doesn't smell like it. The man throws it to the ground and (slowly walks) to the back of the car. He unlocks the door, and (suddenly), a girl leaps out of the backseat to run, but his hand grabs her blonde hair and yanks her back. The girl's scream is silenced with a loud slap.' I think you could switch out 'walks' for a stronger verb: ambles, sidles. Also, is the girl in the backseat or the trunk?
'The boys look at each other with shock, then (continue their journey).'
I think the latter part of this sentence feels out of place. It's not really a journey.
'The man, dressed in all black, collects the lump of flesh from the ground, lays her face (first) on the hood, and steps back to admire his prize. The girl is dressed in blue gym shorts and a matching tee shirt. She looks twelve or thirteen.'
'Dylan and Colt (have arrived) by a large tombstone a few feet from the car. They're trying to see the man's face, but he stays just out of the light. He finally decides it's time and approaches the girl with an evil smile.' I think maybe switch out 'have arrived' for something else. It sounds a little awkward. Maybe reach? Or hide? Also, if they can't see the man's face, how do they know about the evil smile? I suggest switching it out to something the boys can hear. Maybe the man says something which conveys evil, and the boys can hear it in the tone of his voice?
He sees the two boys (looking around) the gravestone (and says), "Help her." Nameless slowly disappears to the back of the woods.' I think you could switch out for a stronger verb, 'peeking' and delete the dialogue tag.
'Colt shakes Dylan out of his trance, saying,' Delete the dialogue tag.
'The police left Dylan's house shortly before midnight, and they're not sure what to believe.' I think this is another one where you could switch up the sentence structure, 'Leaving Dylan's house shortly before midnight, the police are not sure what to believe.'
Dylan is sitting on the porch throwing rocks in the driveway when Colt (sits) beside him. He smiles (and says), "I'm sorry for not believing you, Dylan." I think you could switch out the second 'sits' for a different verb: plops, perches. Also, delete the dialogue tag.
"Hey," Colt smiles, asking,' Delete the dialogue tag.
I really enjoyed this story, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
-
Hi, Faith. I did another rewrite before submitting it. Thank you for your kind words and precise review. It's deeply appreciated!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from damommy
Wow! I was right there with those boys from the time they first put their poles in the water, right up to the end. Dylan's a believer now. This is a good story. I don't know if the fish need to be capitalized. Good luck!!!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Wow! I was right there with those boys from the time they first put their poles in the water, right up to the end. Dylan's a believer now. This is a good story. I don't know if the fish need to be capitalized. Good luck!!!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
-
Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Sally Law
Wow! This was quite the story, Papa Mike. Your characters always champion and safe the preyed upon children and the unfortunate ones of the world.
Sending you my best today as always, and my very best in the contest.
Sally :))
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Wow! This was quite the story, Papa Mike. Your characters always champion and safe the preyed upon children and the unfortunate ones of the world.
Sending you my best today as always, and my very best in the contest.
Sally :))
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
-
Hi, Sally. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a great ghost story, my friend. You had me on the edge of my seat. I like the idea of a friendly helpful ghost who is there to save lives of innocent victim's. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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This is a great ghost story, my friend. You had me on the edge of my seat. I like the idea of a friendly helpful ghost who is there to save lives of innocent victim's. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
-
Hi, Nancy. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Mary Vigasin
Good job! I love this ghost story. You set the scene very well.
My thoughts? "The boys look at each other with shock, then continue their journey." This could be richer with rather than just saying in shock.
Each boy felt their legs becoming weak with fright yet still they moved closer to.......
Think of when one is frightened, they feel their heart in their throats or difficulty in breathing or overcome their fear with hesitation.
Or keep "The boys look st each other with shock, but moved closer.....
It was the word "journey" that throws it off. They are inching towards a crime not a trip.
Otherwise, Just a great ghost story,
Best wishes,
Mary
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Good job! I love this ghost story. You set the scene very well.
My thoughts? "The boys look at each other with shock, then continue their journey." This could be richer with rather than just saying in shock.
Each boy felt their legs becoming weak with fright yet still they moved closer to.......
Think of when one is frightened, they feel their heart in their throats or difficulty in breathing or overcome their fear with hesitation.
Or keep "The boys look st each other with shock, but moved closer.....
It was the word "journey" that throws it off. They are inching towards a crime not a trip.
Otherwise, Just a great ghost story,
Best wishes,
Mary
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
-
Hi, Mary. Thank you for your kind words and help with this story!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from country ranch writer
It's alway handy to have a tale or to to write about. Especially when it saves someone life so they can be able to grow up.Legends have a way of coming true.
Great presentation.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
|
It's alway handy to have a tale or to to write about. Especially when it saves someone life so they can be able to grow up.Legends have a way of coming true.
Great presentation.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
-
Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
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Hello poppa. Nike and mom great work ✍️🤙
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Hello poppa. Nike and mom great work ✍️🤙
