Grave Yard
Detective Dawson digs deep for the truth.18 total reviews
Comment from Tpa
The introduction was slow for me. It took several paragraphs to arrive at the gist of the story. The ending did well and created an interest in wanting to continue reading. I thought you spent too much time on the 'onions segment. GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST.
What's a forty?
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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The introduction was slow for me. It took several paragraphs to arrive at the gist of the story. The ending did well and created an interest in wanting to continue reading. I thought you spent too much time on the 'onions segment. GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST.
What's a forty?
Comment Written 22-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Thank you, TPA. Your input is valuable with helping me grow as a writer.
'Forty' is street slang in the 'hood' for a forty once bottle of malt liquor in a brown paper bag. Usually Old English 800 or Colt 45, both brands are strong malt liquor.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Excellent story! Told with real insight into the work of being a detective, that "buttress against evil" Your descriptive detail, dialogue and humour are exemplary (sadly I have no 6* to give). I love the "stop and rob" and the analogy - "sure-footed as a deer on ice." You always glean that this detective knows how to work the villain to his advantage and you therefore have respect and interest throughout in a dialogue intended to penetrate Delmar's mask of misplaced bravado. Well done for successfully luring me in and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Excellent story! Told with real insight into the work of being a detective, that "buttress against evil" Your descriptive detail, dialogue and humour are exemplary (sadly I have no 6* to give). I love the "stop and rob" and the analogy - "sure-footed as a deer on ice." You always glean that this detective knows how to work the villain to his advantage and you therefore have respect and interest throughout in a dialogue intended to penetrate Delmar's mask of misplaced bravado. Well done for successfully luring me in and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 22-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Thank you, DD. I wondered if the 'stop & rob' description would be understood by those not in the business. Glad you liked the first chapter.
All the best, Yard.
Comment from JSD
More brilliant and atmospheric writing, taking us deeper into your filmic world of slime and detectives. Straight out of Sin City. Really works well and most enjoyable to read.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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More brilliant and atmospheric writing, taking us deeper into your filmic world of slime and detectives. Straight out of Sin City. Really works well and most enjoyable to read.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Spot on, friend. Sin City, Pulp Fiction? You put me in with some fine company. Very much humbled.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Great writing. Great, believable characters.
You got me interested in the story right away.
And while I despise Derek Chauvin and his ilk, you reinforce my respect for good cops (understanding that human nature and instinct will override training sometimes).
I'm anxious to read the next chapter.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Great writing. Great, believable characters.
You got me interested in the story right away.
And while I despise Derek Chauvin and his ilk, you reinforce my respect for good cops (understanding that human nature and instinct will override training sometimes).
I'm anxious to read the next chapter.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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So grateful for the six, Wayne. Chapter 2 is right around the corner with a different perspective. I look forward to your review.
All the best, Yard.
Comment from Lisasview
Hi there Yadier,
I did like your thoughts running through your first chapter...
I got stuck in a good way with the whole French fries and onion rings part and had to reread several time because I really liked it and found it funny....
I know that the first five lines of any good book is what is important... It captures the readers attention...and so...they want to read more...
I am wondering if you somehow moved the whole french fries part to the beginning if one might be more intrigued to read on...
Of course this is just my idea...
Lisasview, new to this site
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Hi there Yadier,
I did like your thoughts running through your first chapter...
I got stuck in a good way with the whole French fries and onion rings part and had to reread several time because I really liked it and found it funny....
I know that the first five lines of any good book is what is important... It captures the readers attention...and so...they want to read more...
I am wondering if you somehow moved the whole french fries part to the beginning if one might be more intrigued to read on...
Of course this is just my idea...
Lisasview, new to this site
Comment Written 22-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much, Lisa. The beginning of the story is intended to express the depravity of the darker side of town where Detective Dawson spends most of his time. I'm glad you found humor in the French fries / Onion ring banter. It was intended to show power shifts between a seasoned investigator and a simple minded thief. Chapter two will get closer to who is dead and why murdered.
Thanks again. Yard.
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Yes, I figured that but again dear Yardier, I feel that the story just did not pull me in... Just being honest...
As an avid writer I have learned to pull the reader in right away... Many times I have had to rework my first chapter.
Lisa
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is well-written and of the vintage of the hard-boiled detective with a conscience and a love for the job. I look forward to seeing where you are going with this.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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This is well-written and of the vintage of the hard-boiled detective with a conscience and a love for the job. I look forward to seeing where you are going with this.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Thanks Carol. Detective Dawson has to dig deep literally and politically to find why the victim is dead and who did it.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Your opening paragraph is shocking and you draw your readers in with it. You continue with raw life on the streets and the authenticity here makes me wonder whether you have been a cop? I loved your dialogue, descriptions and natural language as I am a fly on the wall in this scene. I wish I had a six for you as this was entertaining and a joy to read, love Dolly x
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Your opening paragraph is shocking and you draw your readers in with it. You continue with raw life on the streets and the authenticity here makes me wonder whether you have been a cop? I loved your dialogue, descriptions and natural language as I am a fly on the wall in this scene. I wish I had a six for you as this was entertaining and a joy to read, love Dolly x
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Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Thank you, Dolly. Yes, I was a senior detective in our Crimes Against Persons unit (CAP). My wife, also an investigator, family and friends encourage me (bug really) to write. So here I am learning how to accomplish that with the help of FS. Thanks again, stay well.
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Welcome to the club as I was in the force many moons ago and my husband was a Detective inspector and my daughter and son-in-law are too! Love Dolly x
Comment from dellsworthpoet
This is a nice setup for a promising story. The pace is good. The narrative stays on point. The images are clear. The descriptive phrases at the beginning are interesting. The narrative stays on point.
Suggestion:
Be sure your characters are in some way flawed. No angles and no devils. It is hard to feel the good intentions of a character who has no low tendencies. Or to truly feel the moral dilemma of a person with a good personality who does terrible things.
Also, I would mention that the dialogue could be a little less stereotypical. Each could be different, but none should be over-stylized.
Thanks for a good read.
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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This is a nice setup for a promising story. The pace is good. The narrative stays on point. The images are clear. The descriptive phrases at the beginning are interesting. The narrative stays on point.
Suggestion:
Be sure your characters are in some way flawed. No angles and no devils. It is hard to feel the good intentions of a character who has no low tendencies. Or to truly feel the moral dilemma of a person with a good personality who does terrible things.
Also, I would mention that the dialogue could be a little less stereotypical. Each could be different, but none should be over-stylized.
Thanks for a good read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
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Thank you sir. More characters will be introduced as the story continues. Most are flawed much like Detective Dawson striking a handcuffed prisoner. Your suggestions are quite helpful. Thank you again.
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You are welcome.
