Coffee With Iris
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Can We Talk?"Two opposites meet and connect.
18 total reviews
Comment from JSD
Lovely. And the plot thickens. You are successfully - and in the wrong order thanks to my reviewing frenzy - drawing me into the world of this magnum opus. Thank you for all this wonderful writing.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Lovely. And the plot thickens. You are successfully - and in the wrong order thanks to my reviewing frenzy - drawing me into the world of this magnum opus. Thank you for all this wonderful writing.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thank you. I hope you are squared up on the order now. Lol. Gretchen
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
It seems that Claire is a lot more ambitious than Jameson, and she sees him as rather weak. But many men are like that, just happy with what they have, a happy marriage, (sometimes) own home, (the bank owns) and a child he adores. (always) But for Claire, that is not enough and has fallen out of love. Different people with different needs. I don't think Jameson will get her back, or ever find what he wants with her. Just his son. Sad one, isn't it? But true for too many. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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It seems that Claire is a lot more ambitious than Jameson, and she sees him as rather weak. But many men are like that, just happy with what they have, a happy marriage, (sometimes) own home, (the bank owns) and a child he adores. (always) But for Claire, that is not enough and has fallen out of love. Different people with different needs. I don't think Jameson will get her back, or ever find what he wants with her. Just his son. Sad one, isn't it? But true for too many. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 16-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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It is very common and very sad. Thank you for this excellent review and the spot on comments. Gretchen
Comment from Wendy G
Sounds like the two sisters are both very good at laying the blame on others. It's not right that he doesn't get regular visits with his son while she is away. Well written. A good read.
Wendy
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Sounds like the two sisters are both very good at laying the blame on others. It's not right that he doesn't get regular visits with his son while she is away. Well written. A good read.
Wendy
Comment Written 16-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thanks so much. I'm glad you are enjoying it. Gretchen
Comment from Sankey
Another good but sad red. So many broken relationships around us. I am glad to still be with my wife of 36 years. Even though things are a lot different these days. One spag. held [his] (him???)against my chest
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Another good but sad red. So many broken relationships around us. I am glad to still be with my wife of 36 years. Even though things are a lot different these days. One spag. held [his] (him???)against my chest
Comment Written 16-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thanks for catching that spag. I'm happy you found the right one. I did too, but so many settle and then don't even bother to try. Gretchen
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
So, we learn what is eating at Jameson. You did an excellent job of relating his pain. I could feel that. There was just the first paragraph that I found confusing. I think I would re-work that, and also try and link each chapter to a previous one more directly (at the moment they're beginning to read as independent stories about two characters)K kay
I held his against my chest > I held his (word missing) against my chest
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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So, we learn what is eating at Jameson. You did an excellent job of relating his pain. I could feel that. There was just the first paragraph that I found confusing. I think I would re-work that, and also try and link each chapter to a previous one more directly (at the moment they're beginning to read as independent stories about two characters)K kay
I held his against my chest > I held his (word missing) against my chest
Comment Written 16-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thanks for catching that. I'll look back and see about transitioning more smoothly. Thanks for this excellent review. Gretchen
Comment from pome lover
very good that Jameson has a guy to talk to - at least, I hope it's good.
A suggestion, if I may? In the first line, why don't you say, "When Claire isn't there, I don't call her sister, Amanda." (combine two sentences)
Anyway, Poor Jameson. I feel sorry for him. looking forward to next one.
Katharine
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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very good that Jameson has a guy to talk to - at least, I hope it's good.
A suggestion, if I may? In the first line, why don't you say, "When Claire isn't there, I don't call her sister, Amanda." (combine two sentences)
Anyway, Poor Jameson. I feel sorry for him. looking forward to next one.
Katharine
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thank you for the excellent suggestion. I have since, gone back and reworked the paragraph. I appreciate the help. Gretchen
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you're welcome.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written chapter. You used very good descriptive words and very good dialogue. I am going to have to go back and read the other chapters. love and blessings, Teri
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reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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This is a very well written chapter. You used very good descriptive words and very good dialogue. I am going to have to go back and read the other chapters. love and blessings, Teri
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Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thanks, Teri. I'm glad you are enjoying this. Thanks for this nice review. Gretchen
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You are so welcome. I am enjoying it!
Comment from rama devi
Good chapter with a glimpse into Jameson's POV and feelings. Good deep POV, pacing and sentence mechanics (for the most part). A few suggestions...
NOTES
*Please read this aloud and notice how the names are each repeated three times in a row:
I don't usually call Amanda's house when Claire isn't there. Amanda is Claire's sister. Finny stays with Amanda now whenever Claire is out of town. I've told Claire I'll take him while she's gone, but she always comes up with an excuse.
Example edit to remedy that issue:
I don't usually call Claire's sister's house when she isn't there. Finny stays with Amanda whenever she is out of town. I've told her I'll take him while she's gone, but she always comes up with an excuse.
*One day we were at the park, holding hands and swinging Finny between us, the next day she's packing up her stuff. Telling me I walk around with my head in the clouds, I'm too basic.
The grammar is off and I suggest restructuring sentence mechanics. Example:
One day, we were at the park holding hands and swinging Finny between us; the next day she packed up her stuff, telling me I walk around with my head in the clouds. She says I'm too basic.
*I suggest putting the internal commentary POV in alignment with the character's dialog, not Claire's here:
"Dammit. You think this is easy on me?" She always gets defensive.
"I love you, Claire."
Example:
"Dammit. You think this is easy on me?"
She always gets defensive. "I love you, Claire."
* But,(NO COMMA) she doesn't.
*I feel the duplex closing in on me. Put the leash on Heston and we head out.
'Either use a comma instead of period after ME or add I before PUT.
I feel the duplex closing in on me, put the leash on Heston and we head out.
OR
I feel the duplex closing in on me. I put the leash on Heston and we head out.
Five stars in advance.
Warm Smiles,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Good chapter with a glimpse into Jameson's POV and feelings. Good deep POV, pacing and sentence mechanics (for the most part). A few suggestions...
NOTES
*Please read this aloud and notice how the names are each repeated three times in a row:
I don't usually call Amanda's house when Claire isn't there. Amanda is Claire's sister. Finny stays with Amanda now whenever Claire is out of town. I've told Claire I'll take him while she's gone, but she always comes up with an excuse.
Example edit to remedy that issue:
I don't usually call Claire's sister's house when she isn't there. Finny stays with Amanda whenever she is out of town. I've told her I'll take him while she's gone, but she always comes up with an excuse.
*One day we were at the park, holding hands and swinging Finny between us, the next day she's packing up her stuff. Telling me I walk around with my head in the clouds, I'm too basic.
The grammar is off and I suggest restructuring sentence mechanics. Example:
One day, we were at the park holding hands and swinging Finny between us; the next day she packed up her stuff, telling me I walk around with my head in the clouds. She says I'm too basic.
*I suggest putting the internal commentary POV in alignment with the character's dialog, not Claire's here:
"Dammit. You think this is easy on me?" She always gets defensive.
"I love you, Claire."
Example:
"Dammit. You think this is easy on me?"
She always gets defensive. "I love you, Claire."
* But,(NO COMMA) she doesn't.
*I feel the duplex closing in on me. Put the leash on Heston and we head out.
'Either use a comma instead of period after ME or add I before PUT.
I feel the duplex closing in on me, put the leash on Heston and we head out.
OR
I feel the duplex closing in on me. I put the leash on Heston and we head out.
Five stars in advance.
Warm Smiles,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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These are so helpful. I really appreciate the time you are putting into these reviews. I have gone back and corrected them. It reads much better. Thank you again. Gretchen
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Happy to help. Apoligies in advance that I can't continue much longer...just playing here on FS until the files roll in from clients (next week if not sooner)...and while I recover from a virus (almost better)...
Hugs,
rd
