Coffee With Iris
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "No Time for Calls"Two opposites meet and connect.
19 total reviews
Comment from jmdg1954
I'm finding your novella getting better with each post. You're story telling ability is uncanny. You've reeled me into this story and I'm looking for the next chapter to see where Jameson and Claire intertwine and how Iris is involved.
This is good! The softness of the tale has me intrigued.
Have a great Wednesday.
Cheers,
John
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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I'm finding your novella getting better with each post. You're story telling ability is uncanny. You've reeled me into this story and I'm looking for the next chapter to see where Jameson and Claire intertwine and how Iris is involved.
This is good! The softness of the tale has me intrigued.
Have a great Wednesday.
Cheers,
John
Comment Written 14-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much, John. I'm so happy you like this. Gretchen
Comment from rama devi
Good morning, Gretchen!
Excellent POV. Excellent characterization. Excellent pacing and sentence mechanics.
The emotional metaphor here is powerful:
"I love you," I whisper to the dead line.
NOTES
*Heston slurps from his water bowl then with his dripping mouth he jumps up on the couch.
It's best to avoid overusing pronouns unnecessarily. Suggest:
Heston slurps from his water bowl then jumps up on the couch with his dripping mouth.
I chuckled aloud at this line:
And despite what they show in the movies, girls do not fall for poets.
I suggest trimming AND in the above line. Starting sentences with AND is not a great habit. The line is more potent without it, I feel. Optional suggestion - not a correction.
* Her hair was pinned up in a messy bun and she looked bored out of her mind.
Looked bored out of her mind is telling more than showing. How does that look, actually? Describe her expression, her gestures, her posture, etc. You can even include bored out of her mind, if you like. Example:
Her hair was pinned up in a messy bun. She ambled in and slumped into a chair with a sigh. She looked bored out of her mind.
You might even shift the bored line into internal dialog, in italics:
She looks bored out of her mind.
That way, the reader would see her slump into the chair, hear her sigh and hear the internal dialog through the POV. It draws the reader even more intimately into the story.
*
I had about eight or nine three to five year old around me,
Spaggy. OLD needs an s, and suggest hyphens too. Edited:
I had about eight or nine three-to-five-year-olds around me,
*
"Voltaire," I said.
I suggest an action tag instead of a speech tag. Speech tags are only required if an action tag does not suffice to let the reader know who is speaking. If context makes it obvious, as in this case, then a speech tag is superfluous. An action tag generates more visual detail and also potentially enhances characterization.
Example:
"Voltaire." I grinned.
OR
I tilted my head and smiled. "Voltaire."
*
She looked around. "I hate bookstores," she said softly.
Even though using an action tag here is superfluous, the detail that she said it softly enhances characterization. however, pairing a speech tag with an adverb is weak writing. It's optimal to use a stronger verb that does not need the crutch of an adverb. Example:
She looked around. "I hate bookstores," she whispered.
or
She looked around. "I hate bookstores," she said muttered.
Additionally, while "LOOKED AROUND" is fine, it's not strong. A stronger visual would be optimal.
She scanned the room.
She glanced around.
etc.
*
"Hmm, give me a bookstore(,) and I'm set for days," I said.
Again, I recommend an action tag instead of a speech tag there.
*She had this dreamy far off look on her face.
Wordy. Maybe tighten a bit. Example:
A dreamy gaze lit her face.
or
She wore a dreamy, far-off look.
ON HER FACE is implied by the dreamy look...no need to state it.
*
"Nice to meet you," she said. She looked past me and waved at someone. "I have to go. My friends are ready to leave."
TRIM THAT SPEECH TAG!!!!
"Nice to meet you." She looked past me and waved at someone. "I have to go. My friends are ready to leave."
*But she was the first pretty girl to pay attention to me. I fell in love at the very moment she first walked into the bookstore.
Not ideal to repeat FIRST two sentences in a row. Trim it from the second sentence:
But she was the first pretty girl to pay attention to me. I fell in love at the very moment she walked into the bookstore.
*I was under her spell. And I'm still under it.
I would make that one sentence (optional), using either a comma or a dash:
I was under her spell, and I'm still under it.
I was under her spell--and I'm still under it.
Five stars in advance, knowing you'll likely revise. I may not be active here for a bit.
Hope to read your next chapter, though!
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
|
Good morning, Gretchen!
Excellent POV. Excellent characterization. Excellent pacing and sentence mechanics.
The emotional metaphor here is powerful:
"I love you," I whisper to the dead line.
NOTES
*Heston slurps from his water bowl then with his dripping mouth he jumps up on the couch.
It's best to avoid overusing pronouns unnecessarily. Suggest:
Heston slurps from his water bowl then jumps up on the couch with his dripping mouth.
I chuckled aloud at this line:
And despite what they show in the movies, girls do not fall for poets.
I suggest trimming AND in the above line. Starting sentences with AND is not a great habit. The line is more potent without it, I feel. Optional suggestion - not a correction.
* Her hair was pinned up in a messy bun and she looked bored out of her mind.
Looked bored out of her mind is telling more than showing. How does that look, actually? Describe her expression, her gestures, her posture, etc. You can even include bored out of her mind, if you like. Example:
Her hair was pinned up in a messy bun. She ambled in and slumped into a chair with a sigh. She looked bored out of her mind.
You might even shift the bored line into internal dialog, in italics:
She looks bored out of her mind.
That way, the reader would see her slump into the chair, hear her sigh and hear the internal dialog through the POV. It draws the reader even more intimately into the story.
*
I had about eight or nine three to five year old around me,
Spaggy. OLD needs an s, and suggest hyphens too. Edited:
I had about eight or nine three-to-five-year-olds around me,
*
"Voltaire," I said.
I suggest an action tag instead of a speech tag. Speech tags are only required if an action tag does not suffice to let the reader know who is speaking. If context makes it obvious, as in this case, then a speech tag is superfluous. An action tag generates more visual detail and also potentially enhances characterization.
Example:
"Voltaire." I grinned.
OR
I tilted my head and smiled. "Voltaire."
*
She looked around. "I hate bookstores," she said softly.
Even though using an action tag here is superfluous, the detail that she said it softly enhances characterization. however, pairing a speech tag with an adverb is weak writing. It's optimal to use a stronger verb that does not need the crutch of an adverb. Example:
She looked around. "I hate bookstores," she whispered.
or
She looked around. "I hate bookstores," she said muttered.
Additionally, while "LOOKED AROUND" is fine, it's not strong. A stronger visual would be optimal.
She scanned the room.
She glanced around.
etc.
*
"Hmm, give me a bookstore(,) and I'm set for days," I said.
Again, I recommend an action tag instead of a speech tag there.
*She had this dreamy far off look on her face.
Wordy. Maybe tighten a bit. Example:
A dreamy gaze lit her face.
or
She wore a dreamy, far-off look.
ON HER FACE is implied by the dreamy look...no need to state it.
*
"Nice to meet you," she said. She looked past me and waved at someone. "I have to go. My friends are ready to leave."
TRIM THAT SPEECH TAG!!!!
"Nice to meet you." She looked past me and waved at someone. "I have to go. My friends are ready to leave."
*But she was the first pretty girl to pay attention to me. I fell in love at the very moment she first walked into the bookstore.
Not ideal to repeat FIRST two sentences in a row. Trim it from the second sentence:
But she was the first pretty girl to pay attention to me. I fell in love at the very moment she walked into the bookstore.
*I was under her spell. And I'm still under it.
I would make that one sentence (optional), using either a comma or a dash:
I was under her spell, and I'm still under it.
I was under her spell--and I'm still under it.
Five stars in advance, knowing you'll likely revise. I may not be active here for a bit.
Hope to read your next chapter, though!
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 14-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Man, you're hired. I love how you review. You give examples. I need examples. This is the third time I've gone over it and I'm still correcting. Thank you so much. Gretchen
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Aw, thanks so much! My clients are usually thrilled with the examples. And feel free to use them, too, as I also work as a ghostwriter...I;m glad if your muse likes the input. Once I get to know a client, I write in their voice. Very intuitive. :) My email: ramadevinina@yahoo.com
Hugs,
rd
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
There are sad notes popping into your story here Gretchen. I loved your well written story full of familiar everyday metaphors that give us a sense of being there in your story and witnessing the events first hand. Your writing is clever and you have a skill here many others would like to possess. A pleasure to read Gretchen, I wish I had a six left, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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There are sad notes popping into your story here Gretchen. I loved your well written story full of familiar everyday metaphors that give us a sense of being there in your story and witnessing the events first hand. Your writing is clever and you have a skill here many others would like to possess. A pleasure to read Gretchen, I wish I had a six left, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 14-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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No six necessary. Just this nice review is enough. I try to think like a storyteller not a writer. Grammatically, I'm a mess. Lol. But I do love to tell a story. Thanks so much, Dolly. Gretchen
Comment from Sankey
This is turning out to be a lovely story. I look forward to where it is all going. I couldn't find a single spag, anywhere. Please keep it coming. My favourite kind of story.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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This is turning out to be a lovely story. I look forward to where it is all going. I couldn't find a single spag, anywhere. Please keep it coming. My favourite kind of story.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much. I'm glad you like this. I will be posting Terry Joe every week, but this one is already finished so, while I have the funny money in my account, I will post to my hearts content. Lol. Gretchen
Comment from Wendy G
I feel so sorry for him - he is a good man and his wife seems to be both uncaring and shallow, as well as insensitive. I like the way you are developing Iris and Jameson's characters in turn - an interresting and clever technique.
Wendy
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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I feel so sorry for him - he is a good man and his wife seems to be both uncaring and shallow, as well as insensitive. I like the way you are developing Iris and Jameson's characters in turn - an interresting and clever technique.
Wendy
Comment Written 14-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Thanks, Wendy. I'm glad you are liking it. Being a novella, I can't get too bogged down with details. Gretchen
Comment from nancy_e_davis
So he is totally in love with Claire but she is avoiding his calls and rushing off when he connects with her. The paternity test statement was cute and made me laugh. Brilliant. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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So he is totally in love with Claire but she is avoiding his calls and rushing off when he connects with her. The paternity test statement was cute and made me laugh. Brilliant. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 13-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Thanks, Nancy. I'm glad you are liking this. I have four more novellas I can post after this. As long as the fanstory bucks hold out. Lol. One is very dark, ones a romance (not my strongest genre), one is a coming of age. So, settle back, because you are in for an influx of stories. Gretchen
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I hope my eyes hold out. I will try to stay with you. Hugs. Nancy:)
Comment from pome lover
hmmm. well, after reading your bio, I hope you don't have Jameson going to a dark side because of Claire. That was a very short chapter, over just when it got interesting. So this is a book on FS? Will have to check it out. Really sounds interesting. Great!
Katharine
ok, now I've caught up. Unfortunately I read the chapters backwards, so Claire is Jameson's wife. Just finished chapter 1, so waiting for chapter 4.
I'm hooked.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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hmmm. well, after reading your bio, I hope you don't have Jameson going to a dark side because of Claire. That was a very short chapter, over just when it got interesting. So this is a book on FS? Will have to check it out. Really sounds interesting. Great!
Katharine
ok, now I've caught up. Unfortunately I read the chapters backwards, so Claire is Jameson's wife. Just finished chapter 1, so waiting for chapter 4.
I'm hooked.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Most of my characters don't really turn dark. And if they do, you get plenty of warning. I try to use the good old gut feeling adage with characters. A good character will get a feeling. I like people watching. You learn a lot. Sorry I went off and told you more than you probably cared to know. Lol. Thanks again. Gretchen
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Perhaps he did pick the wrong girl. He loved her because she paid attention to him and because she has his child. I suspect the child is more important to him than she is in many ways. They really don't have much in common. Maybe Iris can cure him.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Perhaps he did pick the wrong girl. He loved her because she paid attention to him and because she has his child. I suspect the child is more important to him than she is in many ways. They really don't have much in common. Maybe Iris can cure him.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Sometimes it does take an outsider to get you to reevaluate your choices. But you have to be open and honest in your presentation. Might take Jameson a while to open up. Gretchen
Comment from Douglas Goff
Ah to love and not be loved back. I am sure we have all been there.
One to at catch:
"Hmm, give me a bookstore and I'm set for days." I said.
(comma instead of period as 'said' is a speech tag.
Great realistic dialogue. I like he he professed his love AFTER she hung up. Clever.
Thanks for sharing!
D
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Ah to love and not be loved back. I am sure we have all been there.
One to at catch:
"Hmm, give me a bookstore and I'm set for days." I said.
(comma instead of period as 'said' is a speech tag.
Great realistic dialogue. I like he he professed his love AFTER she hung up. Clever.
Thanks for sharing!
D
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Thanks for catching the spag. I'm glad you liked it. Gretchen
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You are very good, my friend.
