Coffee With Iris
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Meeting Iris"Two opposites meet and connect.
20 total reviews
Comment from damommy
I love it. Looking forward to more chapters, and soon, I hope. There's something mystic about Iris. I hope we more of this. How do you keep everything going at once with your stories? Amazing!
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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I love it. Looking forward to more chapters, and soon, I hope. There's something mystic about Iris. I hope we more of this. How do you keep everything going at once with your stories? Amazing!
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Coffee with Iris is a completed novella. The Real Terry Joe McKinnon is a work in progress. I'm so glad you like it. Gretchen
Comment from rama devi
This is charming! Very well penned with superb swift pacing, tight sentence mechanics and true to life dialog that enhances characterization. Superb deep POV. I'll be interested to read the chapter in Iris's POV too.
As a dog sitter (and some say dog-whisperer), I resonated with this and identified with Iris. The story drew me in and held my attention.
Nice work!
A few suggestions noted:
*watching his happy tail as it get(s) further and further away.
*"You stupid, stupid mutt. If you bite anybody."
Maybe use ellipses instead of a period, for dramatic pause effect:
*"You stupid, stupid mutt. If you bite anybody..."
LOVE THIS LINE: The lines around her eyes do little to diminish the gentle beauty of her care worn face.
Great insight:
"Well, mothers have an unfair advantage. They get to know their children months before they arrive."
This made me chuckle: Maybe she's a mystic and can read auras.
*
I watch Iris walk into the pharmacy then I look down at Heston.
no need for the second use of the pronoun I there. Suggest:
I watch Iris walk into the pharmacy then look down at Heston.
Looking forward to reading more.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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This is charming! Very well penned with superb swift pacing, tight sentence mechanics and true to life dialog that enhances characterization. Superb deep POV. I'll be interested to read the chapter in Iris's POV too.
As a dog sitter (and some say dog-whisperer), I resonated with this and identified with Iris. The story drew me in and held my attention.
Nice work!
A few suggestions noted:
*watching his happy tail as it get(s) further and further away.
*"You stupid, stupid mutt. If you bite anybody."
Maybe use ellipses instead of a period, for dramatic pause effect:
*"You stupid, stupid mutt. If you bite anybody..."
LOVE THIS LINE: The lines around her eyes do little to diminish the gentle beauty of her care worn face.
Great insight:
"Well, mothers have an unfair advantage. They get to know their children months before they arrive."
This made me chuckle: Maybe she's a mystic and can read auras.
*
I watch Iris walk into the pharmacy then I look down at Heston.
no need for the second use of the pronoun I there. Suggest:
I watch Iris walk into the pharmacy then look down at Heston.
Looking forward to reading more.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for this exquisite review. I really appreciate the detailed critique. Thank you and I look forward to reading your reviews in the future. Gretchen
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Thanks so much, dear Gretchen, for your superb kind response. I'll be reviewing intermittently...and I look forward to reading more from you!
Warmly,
rd
Comment from Sankey
This was lovely and I still had a SIX for you. Keep it coming and I need to join you in getting back to my writing. For some reason, I have been remiss in getting to it. Pretty sure I know why. Thanks again.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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This was lovely and I still had a SIX for you. Keep it coming and I need to join you in getting back to my writing. For some reason, I have been remiss in getting to it. Pretty sure I know why. Thanks again.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Thank you for the six and the encouraging words. And yes. Start posting again. Greychen
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I like this Gretchen. I believe there will be another good learning experience again when you have finished the story. I think you really have talent and look forward to your work every time. I saw nothing wrong. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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I like this Gretchen. I believe there will be another good learning experience again when you have finished the story. I think you really have talent and look forward to your work every time. I saw nothing wrong. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Thanks, Nancy. Your review made my day. Since Coffee With Iris is a completed novella, it will be easier to post. Gretchen
Comment from Jay Squires
I'm not much of a fan of multiple viewpoints in alternating chapters. I don't find they often work out. But if anyone can do it, it will be you, Gretchen. Your characters have the potential for depth. Only one ooops, that has probably been already pointed out to you:
They like to see to world. [... to see THE world.]
I'll be looking forward to the development of this novella.
Jay
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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I'm not much of a fan of multiple viewpoints in alternating chapters. I don't find they often work out. But if anyone can do it, it will be you, Gretchen. Your characters have the potential for depth. Only one ooops, that has probably been already pointed out to you:
They like to see to world. [... to see THE world.]
I'll be looking forward to the development of this novella.
Jay
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Ok. So, you'll be totally honest with your feedback? Lol. If you don't like it, and I'm not being a bratty here, tell me. I don't want to waste your time review something that doesn't appeal to you. That being said, please give it a couple of chapters. Love ya. Gretchen
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I'll give it more than a couple of chapters, Gretchen. Like I said, if anyone can bring it off, it's you.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is quite well-written and captured my interest. Jameson is a pleasant young man with troubles and his dog is funny. Iris is a cool old lady. This could make for a very charming story. I look forward to seeing it develop. Your line about maintenance man followed by they needs fixing. Also . . . tail as it get(s) . ..
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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This is quite well-written and captured my interest. Jameson is a pleasant young man with troubles and his dog is funny. Iris is a cool old lady. This could make for a very charming story. I look forward to seeing it develop. Your line about maintenance man followed by they needs fixing. Also . . . tail as it get(s) . ..
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Thank you, Carol for catching those spags. I appreciate your review and help. Gretchen
Comment from Wendy G
I enjoyed it, and I love a story with dogs! They are good judges of character. I'm looking forward to seeing how this friendship progresses, and it will be interesting to switch between narrators. That always compels me to read on.
Wendy
Typo: "care worn" (care-worn?)
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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I enjoyed it, and I love a story with dogs! They are good judges of character. I'm looking forward to seeing how this friendship progresses, and it will be interesting to switch between narrators. That always compels me to read on.
Wendy
Typo: "care worn" (care-worn?)
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Thank you. Auto correct gave me both choices for care worn. I'll check on it. Thank you. Gretchen
Comment from jmdg1954
Hmph. Gretchen, this honestly drew me in as I can visually see this happening, though people today would be more apt to jump down the pet owners throat. There are level headed people out there.
Personally, I would change the two time use of "shit" in the story. To me it didn't fit, only diminished the dialogue. (Remember it's only my opinion, but it's your story).
John
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Hmph. Gretchen, this honestly drew me in as I can visually see this happening, though people today would be more apt to jump down the pet owners throat. There are level headed people out there.
Personally, I would change the two time use of "shit" in the story. To me it didn't fit, only diminished the dialogue. (Remember it's only my opinion, but it's your story).
John
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for this. I appreciate both the review and the suggestion. Gretchen
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This must be the project you mentioned to me the other dy. Certainly the 1° person works just fine, as you have given it a healthy dollop of speech, which tends to drive 1° POV well. I'm interested to see how you'll make a distinct switch when you change the person in the next chapter, as Jameson didn't seem to show many characteristic features so far. kay
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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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This must be the project you mentioned to me the other dy. Certainly the 1° person works just fine, as you have given it a healthy dollop of speech, which tends to drive 1° POV well. I'm interested to see how you'll make a distinct switch when you change the person in the next chapter, as Jameson didn't seem to show many characteristic features so far. kay
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Jameson won't reveal much of himself for a while. He's hurt and in denial. Thanks for this. Gretchen
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Good luck with this new project Gretchen and this sounds like it could be the start of an unusual friendship and I shall look forward to seeing how it unfolds. A fine start here, loved the natural dialogue and character descriptions.
Just one suggestion here:
(watching his happy tail as it get(s) further and further away).
Love Dolly x
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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Good luck with this new project Gretchen and this sounds like it could be the start of an unusual friendship and I shall look forward to seeing how it unfolds. A fine start here, loved the natural dialogue and character descriptions.
Just one suggestion here:
(watching his happy tail as it get(s) further and further away).
Love Dolly x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
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Thank you for catching that spag. I always miss at least one. Glad you're liking it. Gretchen