Death By Murder
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Death By Murder - Chap 13"A jewel heist, rival gangs and a cold case.
20 total reviews
Comment from prettybluebirds
Ooo, getting better all the time. I love the way you ended this chapter. It guarantees the reader will come back to find out what happens next. I find myself enjoying this story very much. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
  |
Ooo, getting better all the time. I love the way you ended this chapter. It guarantees the reader will come back to find out what happens next. I find myself enjoying this story very much. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
I am so thrilled you are enjoying the story. There are so many twists and turns ahead and I hope you will remained intrigued; Thank you!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Sandy is in a tight spot. How do you say no to a mob boss?
I can understand why she is anxious and afraid. I certainly wouldn't know what to do. It is a very dangerous position to be in. Well done. Carol. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
Sandy is in a tight spot. How do you say no to a mob boss?
I can understand why she is anxious and afraid. I certainly wouldn't know what to do. It is a very dangerous position to be in. Well done. Carol. Nancy:)
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
Though Sandy has lived in a rougher part of town and experienced trouble, I think the idea of a gangster and his hitman standing in her establishment is more than overwhelming.
Thanks so much, Nancy, for your kindness and the review.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I hope nothing happens to Sandy. She's a nice person. I am sure Garth could help her out. Will she or will she not tell them about the diamond. Of course, I'm not sure how much of the conversation she heard, she was very busy.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
I hope nothing happens to Sandy. She's a nice person. I am sure Garth could help her out. Will she or will she not tell them about the diamond. Of course, I'm not sure how much of the conversation she heard, she was very busy.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
Ahh, wonder what our Cowboy is up too. Hank hasn't heard from him in a while. He's usually undercover so it's always a surprise when we come across him. SMILES!
Thanks so much, Barbara. Have a great day!
Comment from LJbutterfly
I'm amazed and entertained by your ability to describe emotions, fears, nervousness, confidence, etc. in a way that allows readers to easily identify with your characters. I love that you take your time to provide full descriptions of scenes and surroundings, like the garbage bags on the street and the smell of rotted food and stale booze, or the way Bruiser stood and scraped his stool across the bar floor. I felt as though I was there. Another great chapter.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
I'm amazed and entertained by your ability to describe emotions, fears, nervousness, confidence, etc. in a way that allows readers to easily identify with your characters. I love that you take your time to provide full descriptions of scenes and surroundings, like the garbage bags on the street and the smell of rotted food and stale booze, or the way Bruiser stood and scraped his stool across the bar floor. I felt as though I was there. Another great chapter.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
Oh you sent my heart swirling with joy this morning. Knowing that you appreciate my characters and my ability to bring them alive for the reader is exactly what I hoped to hear. I want them to com alive and connect to you and the other readers.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, everyone's getting themselves into trouble it seems, although I'm sure Sandy has by now wished she'd run, no matter how much money there is. Another well-written chapter, Carol.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
Wow, everyone's getting themselves into trouble it seems, although I'm sure Sandy has by now wished she'd run, no matter how much money there is. Another well-written chapter, Carol.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
though Sandy has lived in a rougher part of town and experience trouble, I think the idea of a gangster and his hitman standing in her establishment is more than overwhelming.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
You have made it pretty obvious that Sandy is terrified. She knows all about what the gang bosses are capable off. She isn't going to get away with pretending not to know anything. She isn't buying that bruiser was threatening her by standing. The story is developing nicely.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
You have made it pretty obvious that Sandy is terrified. She knows all about what the gang bosses are capable off. She isn't going to get away with pretending not to know anything. She isn't buying that bruiser was threatening her by standing. The story is developing nicely.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
I agree! I think Sandy was weighing her options, knowing full well Costello held the upper hand. Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it very much,
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Frank Malley
I don't have a context to work with aside from the brief hints given before this chapter starts. There are a few missteps in the sense of this chapter, and a few places where Sandy, who is supposed to be terrified, digresses with more information than a terrified person would give.
Pace is very important in this kind of narrative. The pace in Chapter 13 could be a little more heated, and could use some more startling punctuations by events; maybe Sandy could've picked up a baseball bat as the duo entered and Bruiser could've snapped it. Although Sandy has no doubt been described previously in the book, some phrases of description would've kept the evolving images more detailed and interesting.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
I don't have a context to work with aside from the brief hints given before this chapter starts. There are a few missteps in the sense of this chapter, and a few places where Sandy, who is supposed to be terrified, digresses with more information than a terrified person would give.
Pace is very important in this kind of narrative. The pace in Chapter 13 could be a little more heated, and could use some more startling punctuations by events; maybe Sandy could've picked up a baseball bat as the duo entered and Bruiser could've snapped it. Although Sandy has no doubt been described previously in the book, some phrases of description would've kept the evolving images more detailed and interesting.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
thank you for your time and suggestions on the story. I appreciate it very much. have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Douglas Goff
Interesting story with great dialogue. You have a knack for developing strong detailed characters. One suggestion. People almost always speak in contractions thanks to your fast paced world:
Sorry, I am not open yet. I had a late night.
(I'm)
Also the use of -- instead of . . . For interruptions or pauses cause a mental slow down for readers. Probably because our minds have been trained that way. Anyway, the . . . Creates better flow. Just my two cents.
I am enjoying this story. Thanks for sharing your work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
Interesting story with great dialogue. You have a knack for developing strong detailed characters. One suggestion. People almost always speak in contractions thanks to your fast paced world:
Sorry, I am not open yet. I had a late night.
(I'm)
Also the use of -- instead of . . . For interruptions or pauses cause a mental slow down for readers. Probably because our minds have been trained that way. Anyway, the . . . Creates better flow. Just my two cents.
I am enjoying this story. Thanks for sharing your work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
thanks... I think that change came from my word editor but I appreciate you pointing it out. I usually prefer the contraction as well. Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Heather Knight
Hi,
Even though this is only the second chapter I've read, I love your detailed descriptions (I think I told you the first time I reviewed you). This sentence made me smile:a cross between aristocrat and bouncer sprinkled with bits of a thug.
The description of the dirty street in the same paragraph is also great.
I like how you make the three characters come alive and how their feelings jump from the page.
Great job!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
 |
Hi,
Even though this is only the second chapter I've read, I love your detailed descriptions (I think I told you the first time I reviewed you). This sentence made me smile:a cross between aristocrat and bouncer sprinkled with bits of a thug.
The description of the dirty street in the same paragraph is also great.
I like how you make the three characters come alive and how their feelings jump from the page.
Great job!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
Wow! Thanks for adding some sparkle to my day, Heather. I sincerely appreciate when someone enjoys my descriptions. I try not to get too wordy but I think those bits of additional words add character to the story itself. Glad you enjoyed.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
-
I totally agree with you. I'm not very good at it myself (my prose is quite sparse), but I think it's necessary. x
Comment from JoannaN
This was a very gripping part. The characters present in this scene are very clear and distinct. We can feel Sandy's fear. Peter is very believably-written as a suave, cold-blooded monster. Keep writing. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
This was a very gripping part. The characters present in this scene are very clear and distinct. We can feel Sandy's fear. Peter is very believably-written as a suave, cold-blooded monster. Keep writing. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
Good morning Joanna
thank you for your time and kind review. I am working on bringing my characters alive so I appreciate your comments.
Smiles, Carol
-
You're welcome. One piece of advice when it comes to making characters alive. Sometimes it pays off to give your antagonists (like Peter) one trait that makes them humanlike. For instance, he can be absurdly fond of hamburgers or he can collect stamps - something you don't expect from a vilain :)
