Internet Affair
Two people met over the Internet.140 total reviews
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Actually, I'm not sure how to review this story. I'm not fond of "chick-lit" and that's what this piece appears to be.
You've already been rated excellent for this post.
Maybe I shouldn't say anything.
One solid error is a minor "nit." Laila [sifted] should be (shifted) her weight from one foot to the other,etc.
The only suspense is your closing line which works well.
However, the story is implausible for 2010. Any female, in her twenties, would not be in the situation you put Laila in. With everything that's been written about and on the news regarding meeting someone over the Internet, she would already have learned a lot more about Jacob.
You have a line in which Laila [the name is too much like Layla in your book] wonders if he will think she's ugly. There's no way they would not have shared verified pictures of each other before agreeing to meet.
If they met on an honest dating site, phone numbers are verified and recorded by the site owners as well as IP addresses.
I'm pretty sure you don't know a whole lot about adult sites and/or dating on line. I do -- I wrote a column for five years on the exact issue and what's really involved with the entire process.
If Laila has come from out of town on a plane ticket and checked into a hotel both paid for by Jacob, she's a nut-case. There's the major flaw in your story. The Jacobs of the world are predictors. Even if he isn't, Laila would be crazy to risk it.
You may be writing a story that you'd see on "criminal Minds" or "law & Order." If so, the premise hasn't been established.
The biggest problem you have with this "branching out" attempt is your character. Laila is an insecure neuritic who vacillates from one conviction to another too often.
You've given her way too much internal dialogue and more talking to herself than any halfway adjusted young woman would do.
Let her call a friend back home who knows what Laila is doing. She and her friend made an agreement that they would keep in touch to be sure everything is safe. Then Laila can flip-flop her concerns over the phone.
Laila's worries regarding how sexy she looks is a contradiction in the story. Her and Jacob have talked sex earlier and she's shared at least one erotic dream with him. She's already opened the door to desire.
I'll say it again, if your fans are giving you "fivers" & "sixers" for this story and haven't caught the flaws, they're not helping you.
Part two can't be any better until you repair part one.
Ted
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
Actually, I'm not sure how to review this story. I'm not fond of "chick-lit" and that's what this piece appears to be.
You've already been rated excellent for this post.
Maybe I shouldn't say anything.
One solid error is a minor "nit." Laila [sifted] should be (shifted) her weight from one foot to the other,etc.
The only suspense is your closing line which works well.
However, the story is implausible for 2010. Any female, in her twenties, would not be in the situation you put Laila in. With everything that's been written about and on the news regarding meeting someone over the Internet, she would already have learned a lot more about Jacob.
You have a line in which Laila [the name is too much like Layla in your book] wonders if he will think she's ugly. There's no way they would not have shared verified pictures of each other before agreeing to meet.
If they met on an honest dating site, phone numbers are verified and recorded by the site owners as well as IP addresses.
I'm pretty sure you don't know a whole lot about adult sites and/or dating on line. I do -- I wrote a column for five years on the exact issue and what's really involved with the entire process.
If Laila has come from out of town on a plane ticket and checked into a hotel both paid for by Jacob, she's a nut-case. There's the major flaw in your story. The Jacobs of the world are predictors. Even if he isn't, Laila would be crazy to risk it.
You may be writing a story that you'd see on "criminal Minds" or "law & Order." If so, the premise hasn't been established.
The biggest problem you have with this "branching out" attempt is your character. Laila is an insecure neuritic who vacillates from one conviction to another too often.
You've given her way too much internal dialogue and more talking to herself than any halfway adjusted young woman would do.
Let her call a friend back home who knows what Laila is doing. She and her friend made an agreement that they would keep in touch to be sure everything is safe. Then Laila can flip-flop her concerns over the phone.
Laila's worries regarding how sexy she looks is a contradiction in the story. Her and Jacob have talked sex earlier and she's shared at least one erotic dream with him. She's already opened the door to desire.
I'll say it again, if your fans are giving you "fivers" & "sixers" for this story and haven't caught the flaws, they're not helping you.
Part two can't be any better until you repair part one.
Ted
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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My brother-in-law did this very thing and the young lady did the very thing Laila did, only she is from China and came to the US for their first date. It came happen and does. I will make the corrections. I am sorry you didn't like it.
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Yes, It can happen if both parties use an ounce of sense. Laila wasn't thinking straight.
Ted
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Four reviewers have shared with me that they met their spouses over the Internet exactly the same way. I found out about one marriage that started because of FS and I found out about another romance going on over FS, which from the party that shared it with me could end up in a marriage.
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I also just took a hit because of this sentence. She chewed on her lower lip and.... This person said I should change it to Chewing on her lower lip.... He said it would be less passive and more active if I changed it. I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I received four stars for my passive sentences... There's no way I can please anybody.
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Barbara, dear Barbara :)
Take a pain pill and chill out. "Chewing on her lower lip, etc" isn't wrong, but it is weaker than "She chewed on her lower lip." Whoever told you otherwise may have meant well, but then, that's his opinion.
Dean Koontz uses "ing" words to open a line of narrative every now and again. Either way works. It's a matter of style. If you use "ing" words to open narrative frequently you're making a mistake. Use common sense.
Stop worrying about pleasing "anybody." Listen to input from reviewers like Norma and me. You don't need to "please" us, just learn from what we say, make the corrections and them move on to please an agent.
I've told you a number of times that promoting your work for as long as you do will draw enough opinions to drive you nuts and it's doing it.
Haven't you heard, "Too many cooks spoil the pie."
I've checked your "Internet Affair" story several times today and you've made no changes?
Ted
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Hi Frustrated :)
It doesn't matter how many people have had a wonderful experience through an Internet relationship. My critique of the way you wrote your story stands firm. Your character comes off as a nut-case who has put herself at risk. It doesn't matter if she checked into the hotel from China, Alaska or lower Mongolia.
Her internal and external dialogue is overdone even if you decide to let her remain a nut.
You have my educated review. If you choose not to make the changes it's your call.
Just tell me how many of your reviewers have suggest similar adjustments?
I suspect very few if not none. If it's the latter, then they need lessons on how to write a believable short story.
I'm looking forward to part two.
Ted
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To be honest about half of them men thought she over did it, but most of the women fully understood and said they have felt the same way at some time in their lives, whether it was an Internet date or a blind date. So it seems to be divided among the sexes, Go figure. A two men, told me not to listen to you because you're wrong and came across way to hard. I guess people actually read other peoples reviews.
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I made them all last night. I had doctor's appointments yesterday concerning my surgery. I was hoping to be able to leave my room, but I am still in bed with my ankle propped and iced.
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Hi Barbara :)
I'll respond to this in another reply.
Ted
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I don't want to argue with you over this any more, I am done with it.
Comment from luckysgirl717
Wow, You really captured my attention, and peaked my curiosity. I was really intrigued by the emotions, and it was easy to visualize all that you were saying. I liked where you were going with this, however, I would just be careful about over doing her insecurities about meeting with him. I think maybe too much attention went there. You have a very detailed imagination, I love it. Look foward to reading part two. Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Wow, You really captured my attention, and peaked my curiosity. I was really intrigued by the emotions, and it was easy to visualize all that you were saying. I liked where you were going with this, however, I would just be careful about over doing her insecurities about meeting with him. I think maybe too much attention went there. You have a very detailed imagination, I love it. Look foward to reading part two. Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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From what my reviewers have told me they have felt those very same insecurities and felt they were very real and portrayed well. I am glad you are a very strong person and don't have problems with insecurities. I am not sure an opinion is a reason to give a four. Usually fours are based on fact.
Comment from samandlancelot
Wonderful story! I love the way you show her indecision throughout. Great ending! She was wrong all along. It looks like he's nothing like her x boyfriend. You kept my interest throughout.
e glanced past the hostess and scanned the dinning (dining) area.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Wonderful story! I love the way you show her indecision throughout. Great ending! She was wrong all along. It looks like he's nothing like her x boyfriend. You kept my interest throughout.
e glanced past the hostess and scanned the dinning (dining) area.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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I just received a four because someone felt the indecision/insecurities weren't realistic. Thank you for sharing your opinion and your review.
Comment from Ronni
Very interesting and suspensful chapter here indeed.
All the anxiety and insecurities of meeting a Cyber
Space beau perfectly described, didn't miss a beat here.
Doubts and debates within oneself of whether right
or wrong, being mad or foolish, taking a chance or
forgetting it all...fully in tow here with the mixed
emotions and feelings.
Great job on this chapter, look forward to reading
more. Keep up the great writing.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Very interesting and suspensful chapter here indeed.
All the anxiety and insecurities of meeting a Cyber
Space beau perfectly described, didn't miss a beat here.
Doubts and debates within oneself of whether right
or wrong, being mad or foolish, taking a chance or
forgetting it all...fully in tow here with the mixed
emotions and feelings.
Great job on this chapter, look forward to reading
more. Keep up the great writing.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Readywriter52
Dating over the internet can be dangerous. At least she agreed to meet the man in a public place. She can determine when she meets him if she wants to see him again.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Dating over the internet can be dangerous. At least she agreed to meet the man in a public place. She can determine when she meets him if she wants to see him again.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. Yes, it is a very public place.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
I loved your wonderfully written story titled 'Internet Affair.' Your riveting story is a far cry from the one I did a year ago. Lovely art work of Angelheart's you've used. By the way the only contest I won was with my take on an internet affair with an evil Steven King style. I can understand Laila hesitance meeting with a man she's written over the internet. Excellent narrative, great imagery, and good internal dialogue. Areas of your story that stood out for me:
"Pull yourself together. You have less than ten minutes," she mumbled adjusting the single strand of pearls around her neck. A deep sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the painful memories of Mark, her college sweetheart. We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. Bastard.
She threw the phone in her purse and clutched a pillow in a desperate attempt to calm her racing pulse. He avoided answering a question, which only increased my frustration. 'Damn it, I'm falling in love with you. Would you answer the stupid question?'
She adjusted the thin straps of her dress. He's knows I'm five-foot-six, have red hair, don't have a model's figure, just graduated from college, and haven't found a job, yet. He knows everything about me. He even knows I'm wearing a black bra because I told him my bras always match my clothes. Why did I tell him about the time my breast popped out of my purple bra while dancing?
As the elevator door opened, Laila froze. I can't do this. I've already made a fool of myself. I can't face this man. This is all wrong. He's a player and I'm his booty-call.
I can understand Laila's trepidation at meeting her mystery man, Jacob Kraft, she fell in love with via correspondence. Word of advice mark as the highest language as no to upset a certain faction of reviewers. I look forward to your next posting to see what happens between Laila and Jacob.
Fabulous story- I read twice. Keep up the stellar writing, my friend. I'm shooting you a PM. . .Melissa!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Barbara,
I loved your wonderfully written story titled 'Internet Affair.' Your riveting story is a far cry from the one I did a year ago. Lovely art work of Angelheart's you've used. By the way the only contest I won was with my take on an internet affair with an evil Steven King style. I can understand Laila hesitance meeting with a man she's written over the internet. Excellent narrative, great imagery, and good internal dialogue. Areas of your story that stood out for me:
"Pull yourself together. You have less than ten minutes," she mumbled adjusting the single strand of pearls around her neck. A deep sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the painful memories of Mark, her college sweetheart. We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. Bastard.
She threw the phone in her purse and clutched a pillow in a desperate attempt to calm her racing pulse. He avoided answering a question, which only increased my frustration. 'Damn it, I'm falling in love with you. Would you answer the stupid question?'
She adjusted the thin straps of her dress. He's knows I'm five-foot-six, have red hair, don't have a model's figure, just graduated from college, and haven't found a job, yet. He knows everything about me. He even knows I'm wearing a black bra because I told him my bras always match my clothes. Why did I tell him about the time my breast popped out of my purple bra while dancing?
As the elevator door opened, Laila froze. I can't do this. I've already made a fool of myself. I can't face this man. This is all wrong. He's a player and I'm his booty-call.
I can understand Laila's trepidation at meeting her mystery man, Jacob Kraft, she fell in love with via correspondence. Word of advice mark as the highest language as no to upset a certain faction of reviewers. I look forward to your next posting to see what happens between Laila and Jacob.
Fabulous story- I read twice. Keep up the stellar writing, my friend. I'm shooting you a PM. . .Melissa!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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I read your PM and made the corrections. Thank you for noting it. I appreciate your friendship and the support you give me. Thank you.
Comment from skye
Her inner conversations sound so real, with all the stranger danger warnings and serial killers and rapists out there.
I can't say i enjoyed the story, but found it to be real and well written.
I warn my children about this very thing, and you make it sound very enticing, although a worry.
Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Her inner conversations sound so real, with all the stranger danger warnings and serial killers and rapists out there.
I can't say i enjoyed the story, but found it to be real and well written.
I warn my children about this very thing, and you make it sound very enticing, although a worry.
Well done.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I warn my teenage son all the time.
Comment from LovnPeace
stopped and stared at the front lobby. He's (mostly) MOST... likely just an older Mark.
I enjoyed reading this and look forward to the next segment. Blessings. Barbara
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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stopped and stared at the front lobby. He's (mostly) MOST... likely just an older Mark.
I enjoyed reading this and look forward to the next segment. Blessings. Barbara
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I fixed the mistake.
Comment from dportwood
barbara wilkey,
This story is well written engaging the reader in the feelings of Laila as she questions herself.
I noticed these you may wish to edit:
Duane
but didn't't recognize it
but didn't recognize it
if I chickened out he wouldn't't
if I chickened out he wouldn't
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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barbara wilkey,
This story is well written engaging the reader in the feelings of Laila as she questions herself.
I noticed these you may wish to edit:
Duane
but didn't't recognize it
but didn't recognize it
if I chickened out he wouldn't't
if I chickened out he wouldn't
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I am stuck in bed using a MAC, normally I use a Dell PC. I love my Dell, this Mac, well...I'm a lady. Anyway, lets just say this Mac and posting is a challenge.
Comment from JeJo
This story is excellent. The apprehension and doubts Laila is going through are presented very well through her internal dialogue. Meeting people over the internet is becoming very common, and it can be very dangerous. Sharing a lot of information can also be hazardous. However, there are benefits as well. Thank you for sharing and I can't wait to see the ending. - JeJo
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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This story is excellent. The apprehension and doubts Laila is going through are presented very well through her internal dialogue. Meeting people over the internet is becoming very common, and it can be very dangerous. Sharing a lot of information can also be hazardous. However, there are benefits as well. Thank you for sharing and I can't wait to see the ending. - JeJo
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.