THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Almighty Kyre In Bed With Axtilla?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Sorry I'm so late! But better late than never. :)
Good, Jay. A great scene, and I agree, it would have been impossible to split it. It didn't feel overly long to me anyway.
completing a lewd wink. - wonderful! LOL!
the frayed end of one breath - love that.
There's something we don't know; something we haven't been told ...." She's confirming the feeling I've had about this whole thing.
She's off in a bit of a hurry. I'm wondering what she 'saw'.
Look forward to the next!
Av
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Sorry I'm so late! But better late than never. :)
Good, Jay. A great scene, and I agree, it would have been impossible to split it. It didn't feel overly long to me anyway.
completing a lewd wink. - wonderful! LOL!
the frayed end of one breath - love that.
There's something we don't know; something we haven't been told ...." She's confirming the feeling I've had about this whole thing.
She's off in a bit of a hurry. I'm wondering what she 'saw'.
Look forward to the next!
Av
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Any time you come dragging a 6, never apologize for being late. LOL, I'm just thrilled you enjoyed this chapter, Av. Expect some surprises in the next several chapters. BTW, after I finish this novel and after I finish the deep edit of Book I, will you let me pick your brain about publishing this as a Kindle book? Many thanks, Av.
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Jay, I'll be more than happy to help you with any questions about Kindle and Createspace. Don't hesitate!
Av
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It will be a while, perhaps a year.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Gosh, I thought I had read this, but guess not. Very well written as always, Jay She certainly has a case of cold feet about this, doesn't she? I didn't think it was too long. Well done, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Gosh, I thought I had read this, but guess not. Very well written as always, Jay She certainly has a case of cold feet about this, doesn't she? I didn't think it was too long. Well done, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Thank you, Debbie. The chapters start ramping up their action beginning next several. Hope you drop by.
Comment from JTStone
Jay
I'm so glad you didn't shorten one word of that.
You have a story that really needs, no deserves to get read and lost in. It is a sit down on a Saturday and spend the entire day with this story kind of reading.
I admire your writing skill. (Admire, is a polite way of saying, I'm jealous, isn't it?) You can guide me through this world you have create where I can visualize each and every movement. I know my way around this room so well, because you have made it real in my mind.
A brilliant piece of fiction.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Jay
I'm so glad you didn't shorten one word of that.
You have a story that really needs, no deserves to get read and lost in. It is a sit down on a Saturday and spend the entire day with this story kind of reading.
I admire your writing skill. (Admire, is a polite way of saying, I'm jealous, isn't it?) You can guide me through this world you have create where I can visualize each and every movement. I know my way around this room so well, because you have made it real in my mind.
A brilliant piece of fiction.
Jimmy
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Jimmy, again you have so kindly expounded on your impressions of my novel. I hope the next chapters live up to that for you. They will be crammed with drama and action, guarantee. Thanks for the 6 stars, friend.
Comment from Magpiemazy.
This is my first time reading your work. It is fascinating. The emotions ripping through the action and dialogue keep the reader steadfast, wondering what will happen next. The characters are alive, with Axtilla teetering between laughter, love and perhaps, just a little madness while Pondria (Doctrex) strives to keep up with all of them and succeeds admirably.
I can see why your work has been recognized in this venue.
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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This is my first time reading your work. It is fascinating. The emotions ripping through the action and dialogue keep the reader steadfast, wondering what will happen next. The characters are alive, with Axtilla teetering between laughter, love and perhaps, just a little madness while Pondria (Doctrex) strives to keep up with all of them and succeeds admirably.
I can see why your work has been recognized in this venue.
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Minataur, you are so kind and generous, both with your rating and your words. Yes, this is the last book of The Trining Trilogy, that is galloping toward the last few chapters. I'm so happy to have snagged you for the ending.
Comment from Sis Cat
Release and confusion, tenderness and fear, prophesy and hopes for marital bliss "like Klasco and Metra" swirl in the aftermath of Doctrex and Axtilla's lovemaking, which left her tearful and fearful. You take the reader on an unexpected turn of events and delve further into the dynamics of the story and characters.
Rich, vivid prose animated this chapter. I love that ceiling with its lewdly winking frog. When I read the line, "You know, we really need to make a complete ... change of agenda," I laughed and thought, "You know, we really need to make a complete ... remodel of my room."
What amazes me is how far you have traveled with this story as you take the reader on an epic journey into a battle of good versus evil. This is breathtaking, and I thought of the galaxy-trotting Doctor Who. I do not know how Doctrex and Axtilla's journey will end. I am just enjoying the ride.
Thank you for sharing your exceptional writing.
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Release and confusion, tenderness and fear, prophesy and hopes for marital bliss "like Klasco and Metra" swirl in the aftermath of Doctrex and Axtilla's lovemaking, which left her tearful and fearful. You take the reader on an unexpected turn of events and delve further into the dynamics of the story and characters.
Rich, vivid prose animated this chapter. I love that ceiling with its lewdly winking frog. When I read the line, "You know, we really need to make a complete ... change of agenda," I laughed and thought, "You know, we really need to make a complete ... remodel of my room."
What amazes me is how far you have traveled with this story as you take the reader on an epic journey into a battle of good versus evil. This is breathtaking, and I thought of the galaxy-trotting Doctor Who. I do not know how Doctrex and Axtilla's journey will end. I am just enjoying the ride.
Thank you for sharing your exceptional writing.
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Thank you so much, Andre. "You know, we really need to make a complete ... remodel of my room." Had I but thought of it!
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay,
I read through this chapter. I enjoyed the unfolding scene, the plight between Axtilla and Pondria, whatever she sees/knows is ominous and emotionally stirring, leaves me curious and anxious for them; I only have one compliant for this chapter and that's for only a few paragraphs where the dialogue turned very expository and I paused to consider it, and wondered to myself if some of that exposition could be phased from external dialogue, to a inner reflection for the reader, between Pondria/Axtilla and inner reminders.
With that complaint off my chest, I also want to point out that the interaction between these two... Axtillia's sudden whimsy to get caught up in wanting to shed Krye's destiny and just grab hold of a wishful dream life for herself and Doctrex, her guilt... part of me really related, and the other part mourned the moment of weakness of a strong female character. An interesting reaction, because it makes her more alive and real... it gives the dichotomy of what she wants and from there... whatever she will have to do, going forward.
that eye, then snap back open, completing a lewd wink.
(I liked this first paragraph, a delightful post-summation. Good linking of having Percy mentioned too.)
"I said you look gorgeous without clothing."
(nice humor, I enjoyed this here--smiled)
and [with a sudden movement] she pulled her head out of the cradle of my arm
(I wondered here... isn't the act of pulling her head out and flouncing sudden enough movement?)
settled into whimpers, then isolated hiccups.
(my guy hates it when I start crying after lovemaking... Nice switchup of emotions here, pushing the momentum in a dramatic way)
Pondria. You know I need to be Pondria."
(an interesting turn and I am liking the dialogue here)
{a sudden jarring movement} she flipped to her back, but she kept her eyes averted. (I paused to think about this... the use of 'movement', the second time in this chapter I noticed the generic movement before the more descriptive actual movement is defined)
"No, no! You know General Doctrex didn't jump. {He had fallen from his crossan and was lying on the plain with the newly opened wound on his side.} It was Viktor {you drove to the bridge. Why am I bothering to tell you this? Kyre sent you to Viktor, and} you escaped with him from the hospital--"
(I am probably going to be the only one who winces here, but I thought: Expository dialogue. I figure this is where the reader needs a reminder of past events, but... I wondered about the possibility of merging it with with introspective remembering)
I'm no better than a murderer."
(she's having second thoughts... )
"If you're ... with Viktor from the hospital."
(expository dialog. I don't know how to smooth it out completely, but I will suggest slipping out of direct vocals to an inner reminder. I felt Pondria-Doctrex stops to look at the camera to say these things)
she stopped to swallow, "and not botch it this time."
(this dialog played out more between them and less directed at me)
craved to abandon myself to her one more time, we had [to arrive at a point where we could](suggest deleting this extra stuff) devise our plans without our passion for each other getting
but [it should be clear to both of us that](why not a 'I believe?')
immediately threw her hand over her mouth. Then[,] she pulled
(maybe no comma here)
though, and the echo of her last words still clung to my mind.
(really liked this image, strong image, gave the tone and flavor of the kiss very well)
we'll just leave the palace."
(she's chickening out? poor girl, I wasn't expecting this, but it is compelling to watch. I feel for Pondria-Doctrex here, him accepting his destiny, and Axtilla having second thoughts)
I stared at her.
(I too stared at her!)
and hanging it over my arm, {began to} brush(ed)? it with my
(maybe reconsider his began to?)
closed eye-lids(eyelids) fluttered,
around, and pushed off to the floor, glancing about[,]? at my crumpled, ripped shirt, my shoes and stockings.
garden table. Her brief sleep [now]? had certainly not been
She put on her slippers[,] and turned her back to me, pulling her
She nodded and leaned in and kissed me. "I do love you," she
(doesn't seem like Kyre had good news here... a nice exciting thing for the reader to anticipate and worry over what she seems to know/ realize to want to back out and run away)
Strong end, a very compelling sense to what will unfold in the end when Pondria/ Doctrex and her face Glnot, if it even makes it there.
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Hi Jay,
I read through this chapter. I enjoyed the unfolding scene, the plight between Axtilla and Pondria, whatever she sees/knows is ominous and emotionally stirring, leaves me curious and anxious for them; I only have one compliant for this chapter and that's for only a few paragraphs where the dialogue turned very expository and I paused to consider it, and wondered to myself if some of that exposition could be phased from external dialogue, to a inner reflection for the reader, between Pondria/Axtilla and inner reminders.
With that complaint off my chest, I also want to point out that the interaction between these two... Axtillia's sudden whimsy to get caught up in wanting to shed Krye's destiny and just grab hold of a wishful dream life for herself and Doctrex, her guilt... part of me really related, and the other part mourned the moment of weakness of a strong female character. An interesting reaction, because it makes her more alive and real... it gives the dichotomy of what she wants and from there... whatever she will have to do, going forward.
that eye, then snap back open, completing a lewd wink.
(I liked this first paragraph, a delightful post-summation. Good linking of having Percy mentioned too.)
"I said you look gorgeous without clothing."
(nice humor, I enjoyed this here--smiled)
and [with a sudden movement] she pulled her head out of the cradle of my arm
(I wondered here... isn't the act of pulling her head out and flouncing sudden enough movement?)
settled into whimpers, then isolated hiccups.
(my guy hates it when I start crying after lovemaking... Nice switchup of emotions here, pushing the momentum in a dramatic way)
Pondria. You know I need to be Pondria."
(an interesting turn and I am liking the dialogue here)
{a sudden jarring movement} she flipped to her back, but she kept her eyes averted. (I paused to think about this... the use of 'movement', the second time in this chapter I noticed the generic movement before the more descriptive actual movement is defined)
"No, no! You know General Doctrex didn't jump. {He had fallen from his crossan and was lying on the plain with the newly opened wound on his side.} It was Viktor {you drove to the bridge. Why am I bothering to tell you this? Kyre sent you to Viktor, and} you escaped with him from the hospital--"
(I am probably going to be the only one who winces here, but I thought: Expository dialogue. I figure this is where the reader needs a reminder of past events, but... I wondered about the possibility of merging it with with introspective remembering)
I'm no better than a murderer."
(she's having second thoughts... )
"If you're ... with Viktor from the hospital."
(expository dialog. I don't know how to smooth it out completely, but I will suggest slipping out of direct vocals to an inner reminder. I felt Pondria-Doctrex stops to look at the camera to say these things)
she stopped to swallow, "and not botch it this time."
(this dialog played out more between them and less directed at me)
craved to abandon myself to her one more time, we had [to arrive at a point where we could](suggest deleting this extra stuff) devise our plans without our passion for each other getting
but [it should be clear to both of us that](why not a 'I believe?')
immediately threw her hand over her mouth. Then[,] she pulled
(maybe no comma here)
though, and the echo of her last words still clung to my mind.
(really liked this image, strong image, gave the tone and flavor of the kiss very well)
we'll just leave the palace."
(she's chickening out? poor girl, I wasn't expecting this, but it is compelling to watch. I feel for Pondria-Doctrex here, him accepting his destiny, and Axtilla having second thoughts)
I stared at her.
(I too stared at her!)
and hanging it over my arm, {began to} brush(ed)? it with my
(maybe reconsider his began to?)
closed eye-lids(eyelids) fluttered,
around, and pushed off to the floor, glancing about[,]? at my crumpled, ripped shirt, my shoes and stockings.
garden table. Her brief sleep [now]? had certainly not been
She put on her slippers[,] and turned her back to me, pulling her
She nodded and leaned in and kissed me. "I do love you," she
(doesn't seem like Kyre had good news here... a nice exciting thing for the reader to anticipate and worry over what she seems to know/ realize to want to back out and run away)
Strong end, a very compelling sense to what will unfold in the end when Pondria/ Doctrex and her face Glnot, if it even makes it there.
Comment Written 19-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Hi, Turtle. Sorry it took so long to answer your review, but your suggestions were so extensive and spot on that I needed to take them line-by-line. All but a few I changed, and for the better. I left some detailed comments below:
"No, no! You know General Doctrex didn't jump. {He had fallen from his crossan and was lying on the plain with the newly opened wound on his side.} It was Viktor {you drove to the bridge. Why am I bothering to tell you this? Kyre sent you to Viktor, and} you escaped with him from the hospital--"
(I am probably going to be the only one who winces here, but I thought: Expository dialogue. I figure this is where the reader needs a reminder of past events, but... I wondered about the possibility of merging it with with introspective remembering)
[No, indeedy, lady, you weren?t the only one to wince. I winced! I winced as I wrote it, and I worked it for the longest time until I said, ?I?m probably the only one who still isn?t satisfied with this.? Damn. I wasn?t! I?ll have to look it over. THANKS for being my conscience here.]
I felt Pondria-Doctrex stops to look at the camera to say these things [You got me laughing at that one, Turtle. It?s a Hollywood moment! So noted ...]
Thank you so much, Turtle. The two areas above I am holding over for the final edit. They are on the mark, completely, but is going to involve more than can be changed right now.
You are so good at what you do.
Comment from bubblejellybean
Very good writing! Even though I kind of jumped into the middle of the story, I was hooked! Loved the passion between the characters and how well developed they are. You can really take a walk in their shoes! I didn't really see anything to fix, so just keep up the amazing work!
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Very good writing! Even though I kind of jumped into the middle of the story, I was hooked! Loved the passion between the characters and how well developed they are. You can really take a walk in their shoes! I didn't really see anything to fix, so just keep up the amazing work!
Comment Written 19-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Thanks, bubblejellybean. So happy you enjoyed the ride. Please come back.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Very nicely done. I like that Axtilla is the one showing the fear. All along it has been Doctrex/Pondria who has been over thinking and hemming and hawing about what to do. Great scene, both romantic and tendet. Good job, Jay. Really enjoying this. Gretchen
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Very nicely done. I like that Axtilla is the one showing the fear. All along it has been Doctrex/Pondria who has been over thinking and hemming and hawing about what to do. Great scene, both romantic and tendet. Good job, Jay. Really enjoying this. Gretchen
Comment Written 19-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Whoa! A six, thanks! You're tough, which is why I enjoyed the six from you. Glad to see you enjoyed it.
Comment from Gloria ....
Well because I haven't followed the entire book I can't make too many comments, but I can say with confidence this is an exceptionally moving and beautiful scene between, Axtilla, Doctrex/Pondria.
Your narrative descriptions are exquisite and the simplicity of the romantic dream of a small house with a white picket fence is the stuff of great romance.
Your writing is as always, done to a high level of perfection. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Well because I haven't followed the entire book I can't make too many comments, but I can say with confidence this is an exceptionally moving and beautiful scene between, Axtilla, Doctrex/Pondria.
Your narrative descriptions are exquisite and the simplicity of the romantic dream of a small house with a white picket fence is the stuff of great romance.
Your writing is as always, done to a high level of perfection. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 19-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Awwwww, thanks Gloria. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Mariam1
I think it was quite boring. Not enough action for my liking. Perhaps I am just cynical but it is the same plot, like every other book I've read. Come on, be a bit original!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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I think it was quite boring. Not enough action for my liking. Perhaps I am just cynical but it is the same plot, like every other book I've read. Come on, be a bit original!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Goodbye, Mariam.
