THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "The Master Has Left His Yoke"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
36 total reviews
Comment from Reedblitzerman
Jay I got some joy from reading this. You can see the way the two relate. It's so familiar that I could easily see them as brothers.
["Let me tell you about your fearsome Kabeezan army, General Brother."] You can see he's feeling very confident here. He's loosening up. Making little jokes, using less formal language.
[I'll tell him I'm working within the palace to subvert the Almighty Master's defenses.] Clever. I smiled when I read it and could visualize his smile as well.
I'm at a disadvantage when you describe his magic, since I came into the story in the middle. Is there a specific way it works? Are there specific limitations and constraints? Is it in some way science based, like radio waves? Does it cost him anything to use it?
I'm looking for the tension. In the last two chapters you had me on the hook. I was certain Doctrex was a mistake from disaster. I'm feeling a bit satisfied right now, as if the danger is past. Or are you setting me up? Will I get some sort of foreshadowing? Perhaps a signal? Or do you intend to cold cock me?
I will read the two links you sent me. Thank you Jay.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
  |
Jay I got some joy from reading this. You can see the way the two relate. It's so familiar that I could easily see them as brothers.
["Let me tell you about your fearsome Kabeezan army, General Brother."] You can see he's feeling very confident here. He's loosening up. Making little jokes, using less formal language.
[I'll tell him I'm working within the palace to subvert the Almighty Master's defenses.] Clever. I smiled when I read it and could visualize his smile as well.
I'm at a disadvantage when you describe his magic, since I came into the story in the middle. Is there a specific way it works? Are there specific limitations and constraints? Is it in some way science based, like radio waves? Does it cost him anything to use it?
I'm looking for the tension. In the last two chapters you had me on the hook. I was certain Doctrex was a mistake from disaster. I'm feeling a bit satisfied right now, as if the danger is past. Or are you setting me up? Will I get some sort of foreshadowing? Perhaps a signal? Or do you intend to cold cock me?
I will read the two links you sent me. Thank you Jay.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
-
Not easy to explain the magic thing. It comes from the mythological beginning of the conjoined twins, Rhuether and Pondria. Magic was conferred on them by the seer who wasn't able to remove the curse he had placed on them when their mother and her lover disobeyed the seer's order to break up. She became preggie and gave birth to the brothers, conjoined at the waist. So the magic the seer gave them was "physical" magic for Pondria and mental, mind magic for Rhuether. It was to teach them cooperation. Well, if you were a kid, which would you choose. Sure, physical magic! So, Rhuether kills his twin, carves them apart (hey, it's myth), and throws the dead Pondria in the sea.
Later whenever Rhuether used physical magic (as he did to the Kabeezan army before they arrived to the Plain of Dzur), he paid dearly for it, almost dying on several occasions. Keep in mind the magic he used on the troops in this chapter is within his powers of "mental" magic.
I hope that helps. Yes, I'm planning on cold cocking you. LOL, not really. There should be some foreshadowing, but later, or I'm not doing my job.
Thanks a million, Reed.
-
Rhuether is a fucker.
Comment from chasennov
His Plow Drifts In Random Directions. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. The Master Has Left His Yoke.' Well, my dear friend. What a pleasure it is to read and review your excellent work you have created for our pleasure as well as yours. Said I would try to catch up. Very well done.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
|
His Plow Drifts In Random Directions. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. The Master Has Left His Yoke.' Well, my dear friend. What a pleasure it is to read and review your excellent work you have created for our pleasure as well as yours. Said I would try to catch up. Very well done.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
-
Glad you got to read this one, Chas. Don't read anything that has dropped off the promotion. I can't afford to take the time to do that and don't expect you to either. The thought counts, though.
-
You are most welcome, Jay.
Comment from Sis Cat
I smiled from the title onward. Magic as a weapon and a lot of behind the scenes machinations for power. Glnot comes off as a Machiavellian tactician. He is ruthless to get what he wants: "Glnot, you're still using your magic against my army. You're crawling into their minds, aren't you? Like little worms, ugly little bugs." It will be interesting to see if he could lay off of using his dark magic for this letter escapade, or will he fall to habit. He is a well-crafted villain making for an entertaining read.
The only spag is that you omitted the end quotation marks after, " . . .Medic Glassem, who will authenticate it came from me.
Thanks again for sharing your imaginative read.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2016
 |
I smiled from the title onward. Magic as a weapon and a lot of behind the scenes machinations for power. Glnot comes off as a Machiavellian tactician. He is ruthless to get what he wants: "Glnot, you're still using your magic against my army. You're crawling into their minds, aren't you? Like little worms, ugly little bugs." It will be interesting to see if he could lay off of using his dark magic for this letter escapade, or will he fall to habit. He is a well-crafted villain making for an entertaining read.
The only spag is that you omitted the end quotation marks after, " . . .Medic Glassem, who will authenticate it came from me.
Thanks again for sharing your imaginative read.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2016
-
Thank you for the six even though you found a nit (which I corrected, thank you). Amazing how often I miss quote marks. I'm so happy you are enjoying this novel. I am working to bring it to a close.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
This is a good read, Jay. As always, you use dialog effectively. Often, there is as much meaning in what is unsaid as said. Looks like you're foreshadowing greater roles for a couple characters. Keep up the good work! Best regards, BobFox
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
|
This is a good read, Jay. As always, you use dialog effectively. Often, there is as much meaning in what is unsaid as said. Looks like you're foreshadowing greater roles for a couple characters. Keep up the good work! Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written 27-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
-
Hey, BobFox, good to have you read this one. Yeah, a lot of foreshadowing going on. I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
Nice piece of Fantasy Fiction in continuation!
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow, especially from the 'Letter's manipulation scene' up to the end.
The story is moving forward in an interesting way.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
|
Hello Jay Squires,
Nice piece of Fantasy Fiction in continuation!
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow, especially from the 'Letter's manipulation scene' up to the end.
The story is moving forward in an interesting way.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
-
Many thanks, RP. I'm so glad, thrilled really, you enjoyed the read. So much that you gave it a 6. I'm honored. Hope you continue on with the story.
Comment from trumby
Good way of building suspense & introducing characters.
Doctrex seems to be a bit of a pawn here, but everyone seems to want to use him.
I think that he's got a very devious mind that everyone else just wants to avail themselves of.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
|
Good way of building suspense & introducing characters.
Doctrex seems to be a bit of a pawn here, but everyone seems to want to use him.
I think that he's got a very devious mind that everyone else just wants to avail themselves of.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
-
Yeah Doctrex is a pretty devious character over all. Good that he wears the white hat. Thanks, Trumby.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Ooops - not a genre I am very fond of - where are my other stories, hmm? Regardless, there's no disguising incredibly good story-telling, and I see your point about anchoring the plot when there's a lot of dialogue - you once critiqued a piece of mine that was 'talking heads', and this chapter shows just how truly important it is. It's brilliant, Jay - I could visualize these two talking, but I also saw their surroundings (somewhat). Makes it very authentic.
As usual, six-worthy - your writing is exceptional, but I think you know how I feel about your talent already, and I've explained about trying to hoard a six or two for those who don't often perform at that level, who don't receive a six very often. Besides, I'm *&#@! late reviewing again, so one of the two sixes I have left (already!) won't help promote this (which is really all they're good for, isn't it)? *smile*
Wonderful!
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
|
Ooops - not a genre I am very fond of - where are my other stories, hmm? Regardless, there's no disguising incredibly good story-telling, and I see your point about anchoring the plot when there's a lot of dialogue - you once critiqued a piece of mine that was 'talking heads', and this chapter shows just how truly important it is. It's brilliant, Jay - I could visualize these two talking, but I also saw their surroundings (somewhat). Makes it very authentic.
As usual, six-worthy - your writing is exceptional, but I think you know how I feel about your talent already, and I've explained about trying to hoard a six or two for those who don't often perform at that level, who don't receive a six very often. Besides, I'm *&#@! late reviewing again, so one of the two sixes I have left (already!) won't help promote this (which is really all they're good for, isn't it)? *smile*
Wonderful!
Comment Written 26-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
-
Thank you so much Dawn. A six is not that important. Honest words delivered in a kind voice are. Thanks you for both.
-
You're so gracious! Thanks for being so understanding. I swear, I follow so many great writers too - I wish we had no darn rating system because there are not enough sixes to go around. I hate not being able to reflect my honest appraisal of a piece in the rating. I guess when I tell you that I learn from your writing, though, that must explain how I rate your work...
-
You are a blessing to me.
-
Aw, shucks. You say that to all the sublime, wonderful gals...(LOL)
Comment from write hand blue
Hi Jay, I just had to review this chapter, although I'm sorry I I haven't managed to keep up with your story.
In some ways I wish I had because your writing is so wonderfully descriptive it could be non fiction. The interaction between characters is so natural and advances the situation and story forwards. The chapter finishes with a hook to draw the reader back for more.
I cannot find any errors, what a fertile imagination you have Jay... ~Mel~
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
|
Hi Jay, I just had to review this chapter, although I'm sorry I I haven't managed to keep up with your story.
In some ways I wish I had because your writing is so wonderfully descriptive it could be non fiction. The interaction between characters is so natural and advances the situation and story forwards. The chapter finishes with a hook to draw the reader back for more.
I cannot find any errors, what a fertile imagination you have Jay... ~Mel~
Comment Written 26-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
-
You are so kind, Mel. Thanks for the six and the encouraging words. Come back any time.
Comment from amahra
I like the idea of the messenger being a medic. That was very clever. I also like the playfulness of their fist shaking at each other. I've been reading most of the day, so if there's any grammar problems, I'm too tire to notice. And you probably don't have any anyway. :)
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
|
I like the idea of the messenger being a medic. That was very clever. I also like the playfulness of their fist shaking at each other. I've been reading most of the day, so if there's any grammar problems, I'm too tire to notice. And you probably don't have any anyway. :)
Comment Written 25-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
-
I've corrected the major ones, Ama. Thanks for dropping by. Rhuether is really a good ol' boy, huh?
Comment from Dashjianta
Doctrex has made another small step against Glnot by finding a way to make contact with his army, albeit very restricted contact, but it puts him a position to send further word via the resistance, if Glnot approves the initial letter, without having to go behind Glnot's back to start with, plus he further reinforces the idea of cooperating for the seeker. Very clever. Though he'll need to keep careful track of all his conversations so he doesn't say the wrong things later.
One minor criticism: I think Doctrex needs to react in same way to Glnot's declaration about his using magic on the Kabeezan officers. Nothing major or visible, just a brief thought.
Suggestions:
My words didn't appear to faze him.
--Would this be classed as telling? More importantly, does it matter that it's telling? I'm thinking it's one of those instances where it doesn't, but thought I'd flag it just in case.
"Do you really think you have only one second in command, Brother? Do you?
--I'm wondering what his tone is when he says this. Not vital, but maybe worth a mention.
So far it's (they're) just bickering amongst themselves.
--I understand how 'it's' fits here, but it made me stumble as it's unexpected.
"And you say it with such pride.
--Would there be any sort of internal reaction before he answers?
And this(,) you think(,) the seer will overlook
if you had been so foolish (as?) to have led your army
In this letter(,) I'll tell him I'm working within the palace
but seeing me smile, slowly his face loosened into one himself
--Technically it should be 'itself' as it's his face you're describing. Perhaps 'as well' would fit better.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
|
Doctrex has made another small step against Glnot by finding a way to make contact with his army, albeit very restricted contact, but it puts him a position to send further word via the resistance, if Glnot approves the initial letter, without having to go behind Glnot's back to start with, plus he further reinforces the idea of cooperating for the seeker. Very clever. Though he'll need to keep careful track of all his conversations so he doesn't say the wrong things later.
One minor criticism: I think Doctrex needs to react in same way to Glnot's declaration about his using magic on the Kabeezan officers. Nothing major or visible, just a brief thought.
Suggestions:
My words didn't appear to faze him.
--Would this be classed as telling? More importantly, does it matter that it's telling? I'm thinking it's one of those instances where it doesn't, but thought I'd flag it just in case.
"Do you really think you have only one second in command, Brother? Do you?
--I'm wondering what his tone is when he says this. Not vital, but maybe worth a mention.
So far it's (they're) just bickering amongst themselves.
--I understand how 'it's' fits here, but it made me stumble as it's unexpected.
"And you say it with such pride.
--Would there be any sort of internal reaction before he answers?
And this(,) you think(,) the seer will overlook
if you had been so foolish (as?) to have led your army
In this letter(,) I'll tell him I'm working within the palace
but seeing me smile, slowly his face loosened into one himself
--Technically it should be 'itself' as it's his face you're describing. Perhaps 'as well' would fit better.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
-
Your suggestions were, each and every one, relevant, especially the one involving emotional body language. Armed with my "Emotions" book I went to work and added some decent ones, I think. I have one example for you:
I think Doctrex needs to react in same way to Glnot's declaration about his using magic on the Kabeezan officers. How about: "My hand went to my chest, then tightened to a fist."?
The others were similar as responses to contempt and disgust. It always feel so artificial when I look them up, but look so right on the page.
Thanks for calling me out on the emotions.
-
That works. No comma needed though, as it's not an independent clause.
Also, consider extending it by adding something like "before I could stifle my response." (ugh, that's a terrible example) to show his control has slipped. Although the use of 'My hand' to start suggests it's a reflex action, so maybe I'm overthinking things.
