THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "KARULE BARSACH'S TESTIMONY (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Way to call that one! What a mess. Can't wait to see how this plays out.
The usual:
"He brought his hand over his bald head, and then rubbed" (No comma. And that's just gross. LOL)
"You had information I needed and that" (Comma after "needed")
"I swallowed hard, at the thought of that." (No comma)
"And, now you just said" (No comma)
"Shrugging, then with a pained smile he got to his feet," (This just seems awkward the way it's worded. Maybe, "He shrugged and, with a pained smile, got to his feet," Or, "Shrugging, he stood with a pained smile," Something like that?)
"He was unconscious from the fall so they" (Comma after "fall")
"And, the one who died," (No comma after "And")
"Look at me Karule." (Comma after "me")
why we were going in a direction opposite of our target. (Close the quote.)
"His face reddened and droplets" (Comma after "reddened")
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Way to call that one! What a mess. Can't wait to see how this plays out.
The usual:
"He brought his hand over his bald head, and then rubbed" (No comma. And that's just gross. LOL)
"You had information I needed and that" (Comma after "needed")
"I swallowed hard, at the thought of that." (No comma)
"And, now you just said" (No comma)
"Shrugging, then with a pained smile he got to his feet," (This just seems awkward the way it's worded. Maybe, "He shrugged and, with a pained smile, got to his feet," Or, "Shrugging, he stood with a pained smile," Something like that?)
"He was unconscious from the fall so they" (Comma after "fall")
"And, the one who died," (No comma after "And")
"Look at me Karule." (Comma after "me")
why we were going in a direction opposite of our target. (Close the quote.)
"His face reddened and droplets" (Comma after "reddened")
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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I'm determined to get an understanding of commas if it kills you. Did I say that? LOL, I'm frustrated.
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LOL Don't be frustrated. Just keep going. You'll get it with enough determination. :)
Comment from Tina McKala
not everybody is strong enough, and i can't judge him for i don't know what i'd do if i were in his place... but it was really pitiful how he tried to make doctrex believe that the one who rather died, was the one committing the betrayal. another very good characterization!
however, what i don't understand is the change in the colonel's behaviour - is there an information missing? is the fact that he has to bring doctrex personally to rhuether frightening enough? i don't understand his fear. if we are meant not to understand his fear yet, could doctrex wonder about it a while longer, so that we know he doesn't fully understand either, and that it is how it is meant to be? but if we are suppossed to understand, then i think i need more explanation - ignore if i'm the only dummy not getting it :-)
Where was Zarbs? "Karule," I said in a hushed voice, // i would start a new paragraph with the speech
Look at me Karule." // i think there should be a comma before his name
why we were going in a direction opposite of our target.["] // a missing speech mark - in the brackets
He looked at the floor. "Why would you forget to tell me that?" // again, i'd put the speech into a new paragraph as this way it looks as if it was karule asking
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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not everybody is strong enough, and i can't judge him for i don't know what i'd do if i were in his place... but it was really pitiful how he tried to make doctrex believe that the one who rather died, was the one committing the betrayal. another very good characterization!
however, what i don't understand is the change in the colonel's behaviour - is there an information missing? is the fact that he has to bring doctrex personally to rhuether frightening enough? i don't understand his fear. if we are meant not to understand his fear yet, could doctrex wonder about it a while longer, so that we know he doesn't fully understand either, and that it is how it is meant to be? but if we are suppossed to understand, then i think i need more explanation - ignore if i'm the only dummy not getting it :-)
Where was Zarbs? "Karule," I said in a hushed voice, // i would start a new paragraph with the speech
Look at me Karule." // i think there should be a comma before his name
why we were going in a direction opposite of our target.["] // a missing speech mark - in the brackets
He looked at the floor. "Why would you forget to tell me that?" // again, i'd put the speech into a new paragraph as this way it looks as if it was karule asking
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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I agree about Zarb's fear. He is a study, that's for sure. What I tried, and am going to try to express better, is Zarb's realization that he is not only going to have to take Doctrex to Rhuether, but will have to explain a lot of his personal actions! He's in a state of panic. I'm sure he's not sleeping all to well.
Comment from padumachitta
Hey Jay...I promised to back read...and so here I am. I will take the liberty of cut and paste...and comment only if I see something glaring to fix.
Otherwise, you can assume, I like it(you know this already)...
and I can just sit back and enjoy the read...padumachitta
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Hey Jay...I promised to back read...and so here I am. I will take the liberty of cut and paste...and comment only if I see something glaring to fix.
Otherwise, you can assume, I like it(you know this already)...
and I can just sit back and enjoy the read...padumachitta
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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You're kinda reading in backwards order. But that's fine.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Yep, that Zarbs seems like a sociopath, a few apples short of a bushel. Bursting into tears like that in front of the enemy? Either he's really emotionally unbalanced or the Supreme Commander is a truly terrifying man. Either way, it's an interesting angle for this character. The dialogue was great throughout, sounding very natural, the way I would expect men to sound after such an ordeal trying to relay information while fighting their pain and exhaustion.
I'm starting to notice a trend with your writing that you seem to use a lot of dashes. As far as overuse of punctuations go, it's not as glaring as using too many exclamation points (although I think you could tone them down a bit, it would give the ones you do use a lot more impact), but I think you have too many here. I would replace a good number of them with commas or just periods. For instance:
"They wanted to know where--where we were going, since it was away from--our target."
I don't like the usage of the dashes here. Is there a hitch in his voice, a stammer? That's the feeling I'm getting, and if so, I think a hyphen would be more effective. I would try: "They wanted to know wh-where we were going, since it was away from our t-target."
Same issue with this sentence: "It ... wasn't smart, sir," he stammered. I think you should write the stammer into his words (s-sir).
"Look at me Karule." This one is just missing a comma after "me". I will say, I loved the transition in Doctrex's words as he breaks off to get Karule's attention. Like I was saying before, very natural.
Great work, Jay! Hope these suggestions help.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Yep, that Zarbs seems like a sociopath, a few apples short of a bushel. Bursting into tears like that in front of the enemy? Either he's really emotionally unbalanced or the Supreme Commander is a truly terrifying man. Either way, it's an interesting angle for this character. The dialogue was great throughout, sounding very natural, the way I would expect men to sound after such an ordeal trying to relay information while fighting their pain and exhaustion.
I'm starting to notice a trend with your writing that you seem to use a lot of dashes. As far as overuse of punctuations go, it's not as glaring as using too many exclamation points (although I think you could tone them down a bit, it would give the ones you do use a lot more impact), but I think you have too many here. I would replace a good number of them with commas or just periods. For instance:
"They wanted to know where--where we were going, since it was away from--our target."
I don't like the usage of the dashes here. Is there a hitch in his voice, a stammer? That's the feeling I'm getting, and if so, I think a hyphen would be more effective. I would try: "They wanted to know wh-where we were going, since it was away from our t-target."
Same issue with this sentence: "It ... wasn't smart, sir," he stammered. I think you should write the stammer into his words (s-sir).
"Look at me Karule." This one is just missing a comma after "me". I will say, I loved the transition in Doctrex's words as he breaks off to get Karule's attention. Like I was saying before, very natural.
Great work, Jay! Hope these suggestions help.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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My goodness, Sean, how many chapters had you not read? Thanks for going back and doing free work, and then on top of it being so explicit in your suggestions. I appreciate that. I had planned in my final edit to tone down a lot of the Em dashes. I'm glad, though, to have you point it out since it validates my concerns.
Comment from marijmd
Why does he pull the covers up to his chin at the end after he realizes it is all a ruse. Getting comfortable to confront the real enemy? Or like a kid afraid of the dark?
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2014
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Why does he pull the covers up to his chin at the end after he realizes it is all a ruse. Getting comfortable to confront the real enemy? Or like a kid afraid of the dark?
Comment Written 27-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2014
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Very good pic, Maria. It's an unnecessary image. I will be jettisoning it in the final edit. One reviewer asked why I leave him in bed. He has a good point as well. I'm happy you pointed it out. I don't want to convey the feeling that he's he's getting too comfortable or that he's afraid. I appreciate your reading my novel.
Comment from Twilightspire
Man oh man. A suicide tablet? Doctrex is definitely one smart cookie. I had my reservations about the man, but he nailed it perfectly and you wrote it in a way that made sense. I love that about your writing, it makes sense. Doctrex doesn't just pull things from thin air, he makes logical observations from things you already provided.
Excellent work with this chapter. More please. :D
-T.J.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Man oh man. A suicide tablet? Doctrex is definitely one smart cookie. I had my reservations about the man, but he nailed it perfectly and you wrote it in a way that made sense. I love that about your writing, it makes sense. Doctrex doesn't just pull things from thin air, he makes logical observations from things you already provided.
Excellent work with this chapter. More please. :D
-T.J.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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I'm glad you liked the psychology of the piece. I have anguished over the logic of what transpires. I will probably wait until Saturday to post the next chapter to allow me time to build up my Member bucks account and to work on remembering, writing down and backing up the outline of the lost chapters.
I feel so privileged to have you as a reviewer!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Zarbs lied to Doctrex about torturing the men and Karule is lying about who told them what they wanted to know. Oh dear, I can't wait for the next post.
"I beg you General Doctrex!" (coma after you, it's a direct address)
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Zarbs lied to Doctrex about torturing the men and Karule is lying about who told them what they wanted to know. Oh dear, I can't wait for the next post.
"I beg you General Doctrex!" (coma after you, it's a direct address)
Comment Written 26-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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You can't wait for the next post ... to get you unconfused? LOL, thanks, as usual, Barbara. And, I'll take care of that nit. Good eye!
Comment from boxergirl
I liked the continuation of your story line, Jay. Supreme Master still trying to explain his actions. Doctored wants to see his men and then questions Karule about the one who died. Seems suspicious.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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I liked the continuation of your story line, Jay. Supreme Master still trying to explain his actions. Doctored wants to see his men and then questions Karule about the one who died. Seems suspicious.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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It will be spelled out more fully in the next chapter, Boxergirl. (Are you a boxer?) I'm glad you're enjoying this chapter.
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No. Not a boxer but I have a boxer-mixed dog child. 8)
Comment from kiwijenny
Another intriguing read....I loved the ending...and Doctrex seeing through the ruse...... Well done...one thing...slid myself down to my back ....seems awkward. Unless there is some transformation ensuing
God bless
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Another intriguing read....I loved the ending...and Doctrex seeing through the ruse...... Well done...one thing...slid myself down to my back ....seems awkward. Unless there is some transformation ensuing
God bless
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Jenny, for your kindness. I agree about the awkwardness of that line. Another reviewer told me he found it strange that Doctrex would conduct the interview from his bed anyway, and I must say I agree with him. That will be a part of the final edit.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. Well done indeed. I can see no errors or room for improvement.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. Well done indeed. I can see no errors or room for improvement.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Tomes. Appreciate your read.
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My pleasure
