THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "SITTING IN ZILTINAUR'S LAP (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
20 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
ruether is not so stupid, instead of fear, he decided to give love, because from fear, you shoot and try to kill the demon, but nobody of them would shoot on "santa claus" and i worry what he has in his bag... very good chapter, one of the best when it comes to the mental picture of hte mind games, of the control of the logic. awesome job!
again, no suggestions :)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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ruether is not so stupid, instead of fear, he decided to give love, because from fear, you shoot and try to kill the demon, but nobody of them would shoot on "santa claus" and i worry what he has in his bag... very good chapter, one of the best when it comes to the mental picture of hte mind games, of the control of the logic. awesome job!
again, no suggestions :)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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I loved writing the chapters about Ziltinaur. To me it was a high point in my creativity for the later chapters, and yet I was able to use the Trojan Horse idea as a model. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Dashjianta
Clever change of tack from Glnot, after his attempts to cause fear to spread amongst the rank has failed. Good descriptions of Ziltinaur, the hounds and the men's reactions to them. And good misdirect with the hound seemingly attacking at the start. Glnot's got everyone that mesmerised they've forgotten one of them's just been shot.
And I'm all caught up...Now patiently (me? Patient?) waiting to find out how it all ends.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
He pointed at the front rank of soldiers(,) who were dismounting.
--I think...
Then, they stretched out their arms(,) waiting for the hounds.
I turned to stare at the crouching front rank, incredulously.
--You could probably knock the 'ly' off 'incredulously'.
He (He'd?) found a more effective way of worming into their collective mind than fear.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
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Clever change of tack from Glnot, after his attempts to cause fear to spread amongst the rank has failed. Good descriptions of Ziltinaur, the hounds and the men's reactions to them. And good misdirect with the hound seemingly attacking at the start. Glnot's got everyone that mesmerised they've forgotten one of them's just been shot.
And I'm all caught up...Now patiently (me? Patient?) waiting to find out how it all ends.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
He pointed at the front rank of soldiers(,) who were dismounting.
--I think...
Then, they stretched out their arms(,) waiting for the hounds.
I turned to stare at the crouching front rank, incredulously.
--You could probably knock the 'ly' off 'incredulously'.
He (He'd?) found a more effective way of worming into their collective mind than fear.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
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I thought you would like this chapter. It was one of my favorites. Thanks for your suggestions. A lot of comma mistakes/suggestions. Sure wish I could get a handle on their use.
Comment from Twilightspire
Now this was...unexpected. Such an abrupt mood change would be almost ludicrous if you didn't handle it so well with Doctrex's legitimate fear and distrust.
I love how you blend our world with theirs so well, even their legends are very similar.
I need to keep reading to see where this goes, but like I said, it was a very abrupt change in the overall mood you created from one chapter to the other. I trust you as an author and storyteller though, so I know whatever you have planned for us is gonna be good.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Now this was...unexpected. Such an abrupt mood change would be almost ludicrous if you didn't handle it so well with Doctrex's legitimate fear and distrust.
I love how you blend our world with theirs so well, even their legends are very similar.
I need to keep reading to see where this goes, but like I said, it was a very abrupt change in the overall mood you created from one chapter to the other. I trust you as an author and storyteller though, so I know whatever you have planned for us is gonna be good.
-T.J.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Now you have me worried, T.J. I hope I didn't violate your faith in me as a writer. I have a hunch you'll like the way it turned out, though.
Comment from lindalcreel
Once again you have surprised me, although, I don't put anything past Rheuther. He is using an old tradition to distract the men and doing a fine job of it. I don't even want to guess what's in the bag, but I'm thinking it's not good.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Once again you have surprised me, although, I don't put anything past Rheuther. He is using an old tradition to distract the men and doing a fine job of it. I don't even want to guess what's in the bag, but I'm thinking it's not good.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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My aim is to shock, Linda. You know that, LOL! I'm happy you enjoyed this. Ah, the bag. That will be the subject of the next chapter. I think you're gonna like it.
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Looking forward to it.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Jay. Glnot is proving to be a very cunning adversary. What a perfect way to get the men to forget what they're fighting for. I like how you use the fact we always have a small child somewhere in our hearts as the soldiers obviously still believe in Ziltinaur. Great plotting!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Hi, Jay. Glnot is proving to be a very cunning adversary. What a perfect way to get the men to forget what they're fighting for. I like how you use the fact we always have a small child somewhere in our hearts as the soldiers obviously still believe in Ziltinaur. Great plotting!
:) Bev
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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My young child grew up just yesterday, danggit! But yes, I'm counting on everyone else out there to resonate with the child in their heart as they read this--and especially the next chapter.
Thank you for your kind remarks.
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You're very welcome, Jay.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very interesting chapter with a new twist that continues to draw forward. Nicely written.
"Turning in my saddle,
Turning in my saddle, (Incorrect quotes.)
Let's see how he gets out of this one!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Very interesting chapter with a new twist that continues to draw forward. Nicely written.
"Turning in my saddle,
Turning in my saddle, (Incorrect quotes.)
Let's see how he gets out of this one!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Woooo-weeee! Sorry to drop my sophistication mask, but I'm so happy and surprised you gave me a 6 star rating. I took care of the nit. Thanks. I think you'll like the next two chapters.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi Jay. Oh fun, well not fun, but a super twist to our myth of the fat, red man from Coca Cola! What better way to kill an army, to have it lost in love and hope...oh god, and then--BAM.
Doctrex is no fool, but can he save the army?
I thought you had just the right touch on this..not too maudlin, and just a little sweet...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Hi Jay. Oh fun, well not fun, but a super twist to our myth of the fat, red man from Coca Cola! What better way to kill an army, to have it lost in love and hope...oh god, and then--BAM.
Doctrex is no fool, but can he save the army?
I thought you had just the right touch on this..not too maudlin, and just a little sweet...
padumachitta
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Yes, I was kind of walking a sentiment tightrope with this chapter. I'm glad I got through it without falling off and into the maudlin. I probably won't be posting the next chapter until Saturday and then over the next few days I'll post a total of three chapters. I hope you can be there.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
I give you six stars for sheer ingenuity, Jay. A great read. I have lost track of the story a little as it is difficult to maintain a regular presence on FS, but this enthralled me. Certainly an interesting comparison to Santa Claus! I am intrigued to know if the soldiers are being deceived or not... Still, the image of Ziltinaur licking the soldier's face, and his hounds frolicking playfully made me laugh. We done.
A couple of little things:
'I had seen cats who so treated their caught mice, as though playing with them before killing and devouring them.' Reads a little awkward. How about 'I had seen cats similarly treating their captured mice, playing with them before killing and devouring them.'
'watched its brothers stalking the men like like jungle' Delete one 'like'.
Thanks, Jay.
Anthony
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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I give you six stars for sheer ingenuity, Jay. A great read. I have lost track of the story a little as it is difficult to maintain a regular presence on FS, but this enthralled me. Certainly an interesting comparison to Santa Claus! I am intrigued to know if the soldiers are being deceived or not... Still, the image of Ziltinaur licking the soldier's face, and his hounds frolicking playfully made me laugh. We done.
A couple of little things:
'I had seen cats who so treated their caught mice, as though playing with them before killing and devouring them.' Reads a little awkward. How about 'I had seen cats similarly treating their captured mice, playing with them before killing and devouring them.'
'watched its brothers stalking the men like like jungle' Delete one 'like'.
Thanks, Jay.
Anthony
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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I love getting these kinds of reviews just before turning in for the evening. No trouble sleeping tonight, unless my grin keeps me awake!
I agree that sentence is awkward. I will tweak it with your suggestion on the desk beside me. I just now removed one of the "likes". Thanks for the eagle-eye catch. I won't get to the other until tomorrow.
Again, friend, thanks for your kindness. By the way, please don't miss the next chapter (probably not 'till Saturday)--in fact the next two chapters.
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Righto! I'll make sure of that.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
ok, a little far out but a smile and a half, we are up to the north, red and white pole, magic elfs, did not believe, too old, and what happens now, who are the good, bad? ok, where is silent night..Walt
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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ok, a little far out but a smile and a half, we are up to the north, red and white pole, magic elfs, did not believe, too old, and what happens now, who are the good, bad? ok, where is silent night..Walt
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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Hey, Walt, believe it or not, I didn't connect Ziltinaur with the Far North Province being a sort of North Pole. If that were the case I would have this as a standalone chapter for December's contest. Thanks for the sixer, friend. I think you'll like where this is going in the next two chapters.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This brought back memories of the time I spent I the army. I had to care a guy who weighed sixteen stone by myself. We both had full gear and weapons. That wasn't any fun at all.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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This brought back memories of the time I spent I the army. I had to care a guy who weighed sixteen stone by myself. We both had full gear and weapons. That wasn't any fun at all.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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I'll bet it wasn't easy, Tomes! That was over 220 pounds. Your portrait picture makes you look like you're no featherweight yourself, but I can't imagine you slinging him over your shoulder. Thanks for stopping by.
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It was a struggle all right. The things we do in life are strange and wonderful.
