A Copper Coin
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Allow for all possibilities"The beginnings of the Thief Hunter.
2 total reviews
Comment from J Patience
This was an interesting read! I like the masked meeting, and the cool way the ladies handle the rash and angry wolf Remus. It took me a bit to realize this is a regular meeting that includes people masked as animals. I like that idea. Not knowing who each animal is makes the every-day life interesting, I'm sure, wondering whether so-and-so is Remus, and he's wondering who is Alley Cat... so neat. There were, however, a few issues that made me stumble in my reading:
still believed that equality was still there - i think only one of these "still"s will suffice, not both.
I'm not sure how they could know they're the last ones when they haven't gone through the doors. Maybe that's lost to me because I'm middle-reading.
For all intensive purposes - there's a saying that goes "for all intents and purposes" and it might work in this scenario, so I don't know if that's what you meant to type but spell-check changed it instead, or if you really do mean "intensive purposes." I thought I'd mention it just in case.
friendly Alliance meeting however - should be a comma after "meeting"
saw the tension when Rheys clasped her hands in her lap tightly. - would read more smoothly as "saw how tightly Rheys clasped her hands in her lap."
at Butterfly instead, whom gave her - I think it's "who" gave her in this case.
here so suddenly; however my sources - however distracts from the flow. A period instead of a semi-colon would do, and then capitalizing "My"
she could almost see Remus' distaste for her leader - "her" seemed like a reference to Butterfly when I read it. I don't know if that's true, but if Butterfly is the leader, and Alley Cat is referring to Butterfly as the one Remus hates, you might want to reword it.
hadn't called this meeting Butterfly then the - you may want commas after meeting and Butterfly
comma use and the use of "who" and "whom" are what have been distracting me from the read the most. A tip I picked-up is: "Who" refers to someone doing something. "Whom" refers to the person having something being done to them.
This is fascinating, and it seems like a fun world in which to immerse yourself as you write.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
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This was an interesting read! I like the masked meeting, and the cool way the ladies handle the rash and angry wolf Remus. It took me a bit to realize this is a regular meeting that includes people masked as animals. I like that idea. Not knowing who each animal is makes the every-day life interesting, I'm sure, wondering whether so-and-so is Remus, and he's wondering who is Alley Cat... so neat. There were, however, a few issues that made me stumble in my reading:
still believed that equality was still there - i think only one of these "still"s will suffice, not both.
I'm not sure how they could know they're the last ones when they haven't gone through the doors. Maybe that's lost to me because I'm middle-reading.
For all intensive purposes - there's a saying that goes "for all intents and purposes" and it might work in this scenario, so I don't know if that's what you meant to type but spell-check changed it instead, or if you really do mean "intensive purposes." I thought I'd mention it just in case.
friendly Alliance meeting however - should be a comma after "meeting"
saw the tension when Rheys clasped her hands in her lap tightly. - would read more smoothly as "saw how tightly Rheys clasped her hands in her lap."
at Butterfly instead, whom gave her - I think it's "who" gave her in this case.
here so suddenly; however my sources - however distracts from the flow. A period instead of a semi-colon would do, and then capitalizing "My"
she could almost see Remus' distaste for her leader - "her" seemed like a reference to Butterfly when I read it. I don't know if that's true, but if Butterfly is the leader, and Alley Cat is referring to Butterfly as the one Remus hates, you might want to reword it.
hadn't called this meeting Butterfly then the - you may want commas after meeting and Butterfly
comma use and the use of "who" and "whom" are what have been distracting me from the read the most. A tip I picked-up is: "Who" refers to someone doing something. "Whom" refers to the person having something being done to them.
This is fascinating, and it seems like a fun world in which to immerse yourself as you write.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
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Thank you for your intensive review. I will apply the changes to the chapter tomorrow.
the realisation that they are the last ones to arrive comes from the fact that there are people lining the corridor already in order to get a peek at Alley Cat before going to their seats.
I couldn't remember how that particular saying went, so thank you for reminding me.
The clunky wording comes from me doing it all in one sitting in about 2 hours with rough editing. Sometimes it helps for a fresh set of eyes to point out something you can't see.
I'm not sure how to reword the sentence where Remus shows his distaste for Butterfly.
Thank you for the tip and I hope you have a pleasant evening J Patience.
- Silence
Comment from onebrit
This is getting interesting. I love the idea of the masks.....many people wear masks to either hide behind or to conceal their true identities. Which is the reason here? Nice use of dialogue, great characters.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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This is getting interesting. I love the idea of the masks.....many people wear masks to either hide behind or to conceal their true identities. Which is the reason here? Nice use of dialogue, great characters.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thank you very much :) For the main character it's a mix of both reasons. But for the majority of the other people wearing masks, they are doing so to hide their identities.