THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "INTERROGATION OF ZURN (PART 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Some how the comment left was lost, ll I can say is your gift is real, and captures more than my mind, for in the write I find the reality of a book not put down. You touch place left in view, called need to escape, as always well done.. Walt
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Some how the comment left was lost, ll I can say is your gift is real, and captures more than my mind, for in the write I find the reality of a book not put down. You touch place left in view, called need to escape, as always well done.. Walt
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Well, thank you so much for the six stars, Walt. Are you going back to where you left off? This is a ways back. Whatever the reason, it is appreciated my good friend.
Comment from Tina McKala
oh, he's such a big child, poor boy. i hate to read the next chapter as i'm afraid of what you are foing to do with him and if you are going to kill him, i don't want to see it :(
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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oh, he's such a big child, poor boy. i hate to read the next chapter as i'm afraid of what you are foing to do with him and if you are going to kill him, i don't want to see it :(
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Zurn is loveable, isn't he? Ya just wanna smother him with hugs. Would that be a good way to execute him? That was just stupid!
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lol, that's a dark humor :D
Comment from Dashjianta
Nice side-step from Doctrex, even if its only a temporary delay for Zurn. Hope it pays off in the long run.
Excellent conversation between Doctrex with Zurn. Doctrex directs the conversation well without forcing words into Zurn's mouth. Little touches like this 'and then a whimper escaped his lips, causing him to counteract it by pulling himself up taller in his chair.' and this 'and then a whimper escaped his lips, causing him to counteract it by pulling himself up taller in his chair.' convey their emotion without getting in the way.
Suggestions:
I watched him slump in the chair. His spirit was broken.
--Consider: I watched him slump in the chair, his spirit broken. To eliminate a 'was'.
He kept his eyes focused on the ground, but after a while they made a little jerking movement up to my face and then immediately looked down.
--I did something similar to this with someone's hands and was advised by an editor that I should avoid personalising body parts by referring to them as 'they'. Just something to be aware of.
--Have noticed in these chapters you tend to put a comma after 'and' when you use it to a start a sentence. I find it makes the sentence a bit stuttery.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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Nice side-step from Doctrex, even if its only a temporary delay for Zurn. Hope it pays off in the long run.
Excellent conversation between Doctrex with Zurn. Doctrex directs the conversation well without forcing words into Zurn's mouth. Little touches like this 'and then a whimper escaped his lips, causing him to counteract it by pulling himself up taller in his chair.' and this 'and then a whimper escaped his lips, causing him to counteract it by pulling himself up taller in his chair.' convey their emotion without getting in the way.
Suggestions:
I watched him slump in the chair. His spirit was broken.
--Consider: I watched him slump in the chair, his spirit broken. To eliminate a 'was'.
He kept his eyes focused on the ground, but after a while they made a little jerking movement up to my face and then immediately looked down.
--I did something similar to this with someone's hands and was advised by an editor that I should avoid personalising body parts by referring to them as 'they'. Just something to be aware of.
--Have noticed in these chapters you tend to put a comma after 'and' when you use it to a start a sentence. I find it makes the sentence a bit stuttery.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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I wasn't expecting for you to be so detailed, Alex. I combined the two sentences, as you suggested. Good pick. Also, WOW! All those clunky "ands + ,"; believe it or not, After 50+ years of writing I had thought until recently that you put a comma after conjunctions. I got clarification on that about midway through Book III of The Trining and from the day of discovery onward, I put the conjuctions in "find and replace" and thought I had rooted them out. It was probably the chapter after this one! I've made the changes here, though. Thanks, Alex. I'll have to try to think on that personification of body parts.
Thanks, Alex.
Comment from Twilightspire
You do an amazing job at getting to the real human emotions for these two men.
I love how you had Doctrex turn away to gather his emotions. That little detail added so much to the scene and spoke volumes as to the place you wanted us as an audience to be.
I wonder if Doctrex would be as thorough with another of his men, if he didn't know them as well as Zurn. I'd like to think so, but the whole situation leads to a delicious tension all its own. If Zurn gets away with it, the army will always look at Doctrex as compassionate, but could be swayed by favoritism.
You sure did put a lot into one little piece. Fantastic work, my friend. I can't wait to see what you do with it. You have me wondering what I would do in that scenario ...
-T.J.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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You do an amazing job at getting to the real human emotions for these two men.
I love how you had Doctrex turn away to gather his emotions. That little detail added so much to the scene and spoke volumes as to the place you wanted us as an audience to be.
I wonder if Doctrex would be as thorough with another of his men, if he didn't know them as well as Zurn. I'd like to think so, but the whole situation leads to a delicious tension all its own. If Zurn gets away with it, the army will always look at Doctrex as compassionate, but could be swayed by favoritism.
You sure did put a lot into one little piece. Fantastic work, my friend. I can't wait to see what you do with it. You have me wondering what I would do in that scenario ...
-T.J.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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This chapter was a particular favorite of mine, too. I think Doctrex is conflicted because he made all the wrong moves in keeping Zurn in the army, when he had no business being there. But, the one thing that Zurn did that could get him killed actually was attempting (in his limited soul)to protect his "brothers" the way he smothered the fire out on his fellow soldier.
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This one was one of my favorites as well. You tied it in nicely with the previous book and packed everything you could into getting us on Zurn's side, while putting Doctrex in an almost impossible place with an even more impossible decision. You can't fake writing like this. It was amazing.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Jay,
I found my heart going out to Zurn. He sounds a little simple - mentally challenged?
I found the dialogue between Doctrex and Zurn touching, somehow.
No, not as long as my brothers were with me. You know? Sheleck says that's what brothers do. They take care of each other .. this line puts things in a nutshell.
Have a great week, Jay,
Until next time,
Sonali
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Hi Jay,
I found my heart going out to Zurn. He sounds a little simple - mentally challenged?
I found the dialogue between Doctrex and Zurn touching, somehow.
No, not as long as my brothers were with me. You know? Sheleck says that's what brothers do. They take care of each other .. this line puts things in a nutshell.
Have a great week, Jay,
Until next time,
Sonali
Comment Written 07-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Thank you so much, Sonali. I'm so glad you found their exchange so touching. Yes, you can say Zurn is mentally challenged. But a good man.
Comment from jaeladarling
Gosh, I'm not sure what to think of Zurn. He seems a little "simple". If you've mentioned him previously, it must have been before I tuned in. Sounds innocent enough. Guess we'll see!
Great chapter - moving on to the next! :)
As always, the list:
"Will we be going with you?" Giln asked? (That last question mark should be a period.)
"I'll be observing him closely as will" (Comma after "closely")
"Under oath at his hearing they will" (Comma after "hearing")
"or his worst depending on" (Comma after "worst")
"carrying out a fine campaign and I left" (Comma after "campaign")
"alone with his prisoner and he" (Comma after "prisoner")
"It's just the two of us and we're friends even if" (Comma after either "us" or "friends")
"And, what happened." (The period should be a question mark.)
"Sure enough the guard was" (Comma after "enough")
"right next to mine and you'll" (Comma after "mine")
"I thanked him and he" (Comma after "him")
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Gosh, I'm not sure what to think of Zurn. He seems a little "simple". If you've mentioned him previously, it must have been before I tuned in. Sounds innocent enough. Guess we'll see!
Great chapter - moving on to the next! :)
As always, the list:
"Will we be going with you?" Giln asked? (That last question mark should be a period.)
"I'll be observing him closely as will" (Comma after "closely")
"Under oath at his hearing they will" (Comma after "hearing")
"or his worst depending on" (Comma after "worst")
"carrying out a fine campaign and I left" (Comma after "campaign")
"alone with his prisoner and he" (Comma after "prisoner")
"It's just the two of us and we're friends even if" (Comma after either "us" or "friends")
"And, what happened." (The period should be a question mark.)
"Sure enough the guard was" (Comma after "enough")
"right next to mine and you'll" (Comma after "mine")
"I thanked him and he" (Comma after "him")
Comment Written 07-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Oh, yes, Jaela. Zurn defines simple. The "adopted" brother of the brothers Profue who couldn't leave him at home since his mental capacity made him the plaything of the town. Doctrex's friend used his political swagger to get Doctrex positioned as a general (with no experience) and Zurn enlistment veto overturned. Once in, Doctrex pulled all kind of strings to keep Zurn from being "washed" out. He was getting deeper and deeper and feeling guilty about it.
How in the world did putting a question mark after a dialogue tag get past me? He asked?
I took care of the other question mark. Thanks for that as well.
The commas? That will be the part of the final edit I most dread. I have a hard time with commas. For some reason, I also am resistant to change.
Thanks, Jaela.
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I can be resistant to change too. I think it was you that tried to get me to put spaces before/after an ellipses. I'll never cave! (I say as I shake a fist in the air. LOL) I just don't see the reasoning behind the spaces. It doesn't add or subtract a pause, it doesn't affect the rhythm, etc. It just seems to be a stylistic issue.
And I have a friend that does not give ONE flip about grammar at ALL, and when she posts on Facebook, she has stuff all over the place. ("! Wow ! ... I can't believe what happened ... !!!") And now seeing ellipses with spaces makes me ill. LOL
Comment from Writingfundimension
Phew! That interview went better than I expected. Zurn seems one of those people who can't conceive of letting anyone he cares for face danger alone. I love his character, Jay. A strong chapter, here.
Some suggestions to use as you wish:
'So, your troops must be in readiness to leave...
How about this:
'Keep your troops ready to leave at any moment, but for sure...'
Leaving off the So seems a little cleaner to me.
'And, if we do engage with the enemy, I expect...'
I suggest leaving off the And.
'I led the guard outside the tent, assuring him I would be fine alone with the prisoner and he could return in an hour.
How about:
'I led the guard outside and dismissed him with the assurance I would be safe alone with the prisoner. 'Be back in one hour,' I admonished.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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Phew! That interview went better than I expected. Zurn seems one of those people who can't conceive of letting anyone he cares for face danger alone. I love his character, Jay. A strong chapter, here.
Some suggestions to use as you wish:
'So, your troops must be in readiness to leave...
How about this:
'Keep your troops ready to leave at any moment, but for sure...'
Leaving off the So seems a little cleaner to me.
'And, if we do engage with the enemy, I expect...'
I suggest leaving off the And.
'I led the guard outside the tent, assuring him I would be fine alone with the prisoner and he could return in an hour.
How about:
'I led the guard outside and dismissed him with the assurance I would be safe alone with the prisoner. 'Be back in one hour,' I admonished.
:) Bev
Comment Written 06-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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Wonderful stuff, Bev. I'll be pasting this to my folder for the final edit, but I like what you suggested and may make an exception and go in to change some of it today.
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I'm glad you were okay with my suggestions, Jay. I'm always a bit nervous about putting projecting my sensibilities unto another.
As always, a pleasure.
:) Bev
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That's what we're here for, Bev. You know I let you know when something just doesn't sound right. It's because I've seen the superb stuff you've written, so when something falls flat, you know I'm not saying you can't write.
Comment from Fridayauthor
This is well written with a lot of space devoted to Zurn. It flows nice to a logical conclusion. I'm only hoping
with all that's going on, he is an important enough character in the whole story.
Instead of a break when Zurn arrives, why not flow into it, descriptively. "Later, while I was reviewing maps, Zorn timidly arrived at my tent, hat in hand.
Perhaps a little more of Doctrex's mind set and thoughts too.
Good job!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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This is well written with a lot of space devoted to Zurn. It flows nice to a logical conclusion. I'm only hoping
with all that's going on, he is an important enough character in the whole story.
Instead of a break when Zurn arrives, why not flow into it, descriptively. "Later, while I was reviewing maps, Zorn timidly arrived at my tent, hat in hand.
Perhaps a little more of Doctrex's mind set and thoughts too.
Good job!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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I like Zurn. He plays off the Pomnots with both their limited intelligence and his humanity comapared with their animality. The female readers love Zurn, Ray. He continues to play a part throughout Book III.
Comment from lindalcreel
Poor kid -- he wasn't deserting, he was only trying to save his brothers. At least now, Doctrix knows he is a faithful soldier and that should give him some comfort. Those kinds of men are hard to find, even if he isn't all right in the head. His intentions are admirable and that's what counts.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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Poor kid -- he wasn't deserting, he was only trying to save his brothers. At least now, Doctrix knows he is a faithful soldier and that should give him some comfort. Those kinds of men are hard to find, even if he isn't all right in the head. His intentions are admirable and that's what counts.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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Dontcha just love it when readers talk about your characters like they are real, living, breathing people? I do! Thank you, Linda!
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So true. I think it's a great compliment.
Comment from Goodauthor
Very well written. I'd say Doctrex does have a hear after all. I found a couple of instances when you forgot to employ the word the, but I forgot to write them down, because they didn't effect the flow of the story. I know you'll see then when do your edit and rewrite. Good luck.
Linda
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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Very well written. I'd say Doctrex does have a hear after all. I found a couple of instances when you forgot to employ the word the, but I forgot to write them down, because they didn't effect the flow of the story. I know you'll see then when do your edit and rewrite. Good luck.
Linda
Comment Written 06-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2014
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Thanks for pointing out the lapses, Linda. I'm sure it'll be pointed out by others, but I'll keep my own eye open for them. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter.
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You're welcome
