Stick Change
Horror with cheesy introduction - PLEASE SEE NOTES26 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
I had to dig deep for this one, Mike. This had come so close to ATB, with 25 reviews. After all, you kindly read my play ... so this is the least I could do. Yes, it was probably too long for a contest entry, which was your worry at the time. That probably (more than probably) cost you the prize. You know the FS attention span with all those top-of-page-one posts competing for the eyeballs. A damn shame, too. This is one of the finest examples of horror fiction that I've read. It'll have me checking the seat covers in every car I drive or ride in! But your writing was so stark, darkly stark, I might add, and your words just latched onto me and wouldn't let go.
Here are a few parts that widened my grin:
One of your memorable lines: "What is a little discomfort against the sensation of victory? The seats of power have always been uncomfortable. It reminds those who sit on them that true power must be fought for, must be borne, must be endured. But when you have it, none may touch you."
And this one, "His eyes were as wide as cue-balls, his mouth pulsing like a sucker fish." Such a vivid, though simple sentence structure!
Anyway, I leave this piece thoroughly entertained and feel good about being the review to pop you over into ATB. This deserved those accolades years ago!
Jay
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
  |
I had to dig deep for this one, Mike. This had come so close to ATB, with 25 reviews. After all, you kindly read my play ... so this is the least I could do. Yes, it was probably too long for a contest entry, which was your worry at the time. That probably (more than probably) cost you the prize. You know the FS attention span with all those top-of-page-one posts competing for the eyeballs. A damn shame, too. This is one of the finest examples of horror fiction that I've read. It'll have me checking the seat covers in every car I drive or ride in! But your writing was so stark, darkly stark, I might add, and your words just latched onto me and wouldn't let go.
Here are a few parts that widened my grin:
One of your memorable lines: "What is a little discomfort against the sensation of victory? The seats of power have always been uncomfortable. It reminds those who sit on them that true power must be fought for, must be borne, must be endured. But when you have it, none may touch you."
And this one, "His eyes were as wide as cue-balls, his mouth pulsing like a sucker fish." Such a vivid, though simple sentence structure!
Anyway, I leave this piece thoroughly entertained and feel good about being the review to pop you over into ATB. This deserved those accolades years ago!
Jay
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
-
Thanks so much, Jay :-). I remember being really excited about this one, then it got disqualified because, if you hover a mouse on the picture (which I made myself), it pops up with my name, and it was a blind contest. Still, the length would almost certainly have stopped me getting many votes, lol.
I really appreciate the read. It's great to see the reviews hit the required count, and a lovely surprise this morning to get a message about ATB status, read it and say 'wait ... Stick Change?' Mostly, though, I'm thrilled you enjoyed it.
Mike
-
What a bummer! But another way of looking at it is that if they notified you of its disqualification, then it was more than run-of-the-mill writing.
Comment from Acquired Taste
This is terrific. Loved the story and your tongue-in-cheek phrases. I remember watching the 1/4 mile runs in Wilton, NY - brought that memory back clearly....Particularly liked:
Doctor Death D Fying, but my friends call me DeeDee. You were probably expecting my naughty brother Terry. And Petra!! Too bloody terrific - you have a great sense of humor & horror.
Also liked your: snooker balls in a sock - how visual is that? Not that the rest of the story lacked visual moments, but that was great.
You've gotten corrections from several people so I'll leave that go - nothing critical by any means. And am sorry you have to leave the contest. This is an excellent story - and the best stories mix humor with horror.
Steven King said: Humor is almost always horror - with its makeup on.
Great offering. AT=/
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2014
|
This is terrific. Loved the story and your tongue-in-cheek phrases. I remember watching the 1/4 mile runs in Wilton, NY - brought that memory back clearly....Particularly liked:
Doctor Death D Fying, but my friends call me DeeDee. You were probably expecting my naughty brother Terry. And Petra!! Too bloody terrific - you have a great sense of humor & horror.
Also liked your: snooker balls in a sock - how visual is that? Not that the rest of the story lacked visual moments, but that was great.
You've gotten corrections from several people so I'll leave that go - nothing critical by any means. And am sorry you have to leave the contest. This is an excellent story - and the best stories mix humor with horror.
Steven King said: Humor is almost always horror - with its makeup on.
Great offering. AT=/
Comment Written 16-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2014
-
I like the Stephen King quote - it feels true :-). I wasn't too bothered about dropping out of the contest because I loved writing the story and it got some great feedback. I was more annoyed with myself for not fixing the picture issue fast enough. SO happy you liked it - great comments :-).
Mike
Comment from Sonaleeka
I loved the piece..very well written and captivating.
Very well written story.I am glad get a chance to read your stuff.Worth reading.Well deserve winner
God bless!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2014
|
I loved the piece..very well written and captivating.
Very well written story.I am glad get a chance to read your stuff.Worth reading.Well deserve winner
God bless!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2014
-
Thanks so much - I'm really glad you enjoyed it :-).
Mike
Comment from padumachitta
Hi...good eiry setting. I like cars, fast and well competition. Playing with resident e vil,not so much,
Ienjoyed this . Good luck.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
|
Hi...good eiry setting. I like cars, fast and well competition. Playing with resident e vil,not so much,
Ienjoyed this . Good luck.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
-
Thank you, Pad :-). My entry has been disqualified because the picture gives my name when one hovers a mouse pointer on it - oops! I'm glad you liked it, though.
Mike
Comment from Green Lake Girl
This is one crazy-ass story. It's a super great response to this contest. You'll give you-know-who a run for his money!
Your character throws himself 100% into temptation, greed and lust. He's completely willing to endure anal probes to win, win, win. You write this very well.
I think action scenes are tough to write, but you did these very well also.
I will NEVER buy a seat cover! :D
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
|
This is one crazy-ass story. It's a super great response to this contest. You'll give you-know-who a run for his money!
Your character throws himself 100% into temptation, greed and lust. He's completely willing to endure anal probes to win, win, win. You write this very well.
I think action scenes are tough to write, but you did these very well also.
I will NEVER buy a seat cover! :D
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
-
lol, thank you my friend :-). I LOVE writing action sequences so I include theme wherever possible. I read so many books as a teenager where the fights and fast scenes were skipped through by the author and I always felt short-changed. I think they can be difficult to write without losing tempo, but it just takes a bit of care really. So glad you enjoyed my devilish tale!
Comment from Selina Stambi
Oh, my goodness!
Yes, a VERY long read, by you had me holding my horrified breath all the way to the awful end!
Best wishes for the contest. I think you have a winner here!
Sonali
. I flexed (the) fingers of my right hand and
card from his jacked m.. jacket?
roared as the wheels sp(u)n, spiralling mud to either
metal beast like Catherine (W)heels gone mad.
bean stalk and it (had) grown into me, filling
. The Capri (spun) out, planing sideways .. past tense of spin: spun
. The paired cars slid and sp(u)n, sailing
Wearing a nappy felt like a small ... you night want to put an author note explaining that nappy is a North American diaper.
The answer was terrible(,) but obvious.
wing, and I sp(u)n into an aquaplane
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
|
Oh, my goodness!
Yes, a VERY long read, by you had me holding my horrified breath all the way to the awful end!
Best wishes for the contest. I think you have a winner here!
Sonali
. I flexed (the) fingers of my right hand and
card from his jacked m.. jacket?
roared as the wheels sp(u)n, spiralling mud to either
metal beast like Catherine (W)heels gone mad.
bean stalk and it (had) grown into me, filling
. The Capri (spun) out, planing sideways .. past tense of spin: spun
. The paired cars slid and sp(u)n, sailing
Wearing a nappy felt like a small ... you night want to put an author note explaining that nappy is a North American diaper.
The answer was terrible(,) but obvious.
wing, and I sp(u)n into an aquaplane
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
-
Thanks so much, Sonali :-). I appreciate the spag catches. I'm a Brit, so span is still the common past tense of spin for me - spun is a more recent term for which we can thank American English. All other edits duly made though - it's amazing what one can miss even after many reads! So glad you liked it, my friend.
-
I speak Brit. English - I've NEVER heard span used as the past participle of spin. Check the dic. - I just re-checked! Which part of England are your from? Perhaps it's a regional usage?
-
It depends which dictionary you check :-).
From wordreference.com: "The car span/spun out of control. (With this one I know 'span' is BrE only, but we say both.)"
From English.stackexchange.com: "The Oxford English Dictionary lists both 'span' and 'spun' as spellings of the past tense."
Recentish novels (Happy Potter and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, for example) used span, which caused some debate at the time. There is some discussion as to whether it's a North/South divide in England but not much supporting it. I live in London. In terms of newspapers and general writing, I see both used quite a lot.
-
I'm amazed ... and learned something new today. :)
Comment from Sean A. Chai
Great job on this piece. I hate to say I probably didn't get as engrossed in it as others might. I'm not familiar with racing in any shape, form, or fashion, and had to look up some of the references for it to make sense to me. It was very descriptive though and did an exemplary job bringing out base greed. The announcer name was awesome too, and as for the spiders...there is a study out there documenting that most people eat them while they sleep anyway. I think about seven a year was the consensus. Fresh protein.
I have only a couple of questions on the piece.
1. After the first race, you write, "'She looks like she did twelve rounds with a wrecking ball,' he shouted, glaring right through me." I expect an exclamation point when shouting is involved. Maybe "snarled?"
2. At the first meeting with Jimmy, you write, "We were in his office -- a crummy portacabin overlooking the huge bowl of his empire, relic of its days as a quarry." This can be confusing at first. Maybe "We were in his office -- a crummy portacabin overlooking the huge bowl of his empire, (which was no more than a) relic (from) its days as a quarry."
3. Again during the first meeting with Jimmy, you write, "He plucked a card from his jacked." Did you mean "jacket?"
Great writing. Good luck on the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
|
Great job on this piece. I hate to say I probably didn't get as engrossed in it as others might. I'm not familiar with racing in any shape, form, or fashion, and had to look up some of the references for it to make sense to me. It was very descriptive though and did an exemplary job bringing out base greed. The announcer name was awesome too, and as for the spiders...there is a study out there documenting that most people eat them while they sleep anyway. I think about seven a year was the consensus. Fresh protein.
I have only a couple of questions on the piece.
1. After the first race, you write, "'She looks like she did twelve rounds with a wrecking ball,' he shouted, glaring right through me." I expect an exclamation point when shouting is involved. Maybe "snarled?"
2. At the first meeting with Jimmy, you write, "We were in his office -- a crummy portacabin overlooking the huge bowl of his empire, relic of its days as a quarry." This can be confusing at first. Maybe "We were in his office -- a crummy portacabin overlooking the huge bowl of his empire, (which was no more than a) relic (from) its days as a quarry."
3. Again during the first meeting with Jimmy, you write, "He plucked a card from his jacked." Did you mean "jacket?"
Great writing. Good luck on the contest.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
-
Thanks so much for the great review and spag catches :-). Indeed, I saw something similar about spiders. That's fine with me - they can do whatever they want so long as I never know they're there, lol. I'm glad it was enjoyable even without a racing interest.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Yes, we all have deals to make, and the time comes sooner than later. Thanks for an enjoyable read that is filled with good description. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
|
Yes, we all have deals to make, and the time comes sooner than later. Thanks for an enjoyable read that is filled with good description. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
-
Thank you, Ric - glad you enjoyed :-).
Comment from chasennov
"Stick Change" Well, I didn't mind the length of this story, and I didn't mind the contents of the story either, and I found it quite interesting towards the end. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
|
"Stick Change" Well, I didn't mind the length of this story, and I didn't mind the contents of the story either, and I found it quite interesting towards the end. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
-
Thank you, Chase - I'm really glad you liked it :-).
-
You are most welcome.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~!
If I just ignore the strong language, for me, this was an awesome story to start my week with! Amazing. Great story-line. Very well-written and interesting. Loved the cheesy host too!
I believe that he deserved what was coming to him. C'mon! How can a shortcut to victory not have a prize?!
BTW, a correction : 'He plucked a card from his jacked' --> I believe it is 'jacket'. Am I right?
Anyway,
Good Luck in the contest!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
|
Hello there~!
If I just ignore the strong language, for me, this was an awesome story to start my week with! Amazing. Great story-line. Very well-written and interesting. Loved the cheesy host too!
I believe that he deserved what was coming to him. C'mon! How can a shortcut to victory not have a prize?!
BTW, a correction : 'He plucked a card from his jacked' --> I believe it is 'jacket'. Am I right?
Anyway,
Good Luck in the contest!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
-
Thanks so much for the great review. Indeed, he should've relied on his own abilities - otherwise, where's the satisfaction of a challenge met? So glad you enjoyed it!