To Be At The Sea Or Not
You can find your happy place wherever you are.3 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Sail on waters blue... << avoid the ellipsis at end of line UNLESS there is a good reason... it's the mark of a teenager generally... not considered good form
Soft breezes envelope you. << good line
Far from oceans, too. << So the point is the breeze blows whether you are on land or sea.
This has no spag in it, so in that way it's fine. But there seems to be no point to it. Poems should have underlying meaning. Of course we are always either on land or on the sea.. or perhaps in the air. But what does it mean?
I came here to see if you were new, and you are. That explains why you jumped into a novel and tried to review it without knowing any of the previous plot that led up to it. Not a good idea. But I will be fair in THIS review. I won the reviewer award last month because I do reviews correctly. This senryu is okay, and deserves 4 stars. But to be excellent it would need to have more depth. Japanese poetic forms are known for their depth of meaning put into just a few words. It's not just a matter of counting syllables.
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Sail on waters blue... << avoid the ellipsis at end of line UNLESS there is a good reason... it's the mark of a teenager generally... not considered good form
Soft breezes envelope you. << good line
Far from oceans, too. << So the point is the breeze blows whether you are on land or sea.
This has no spag in it, so in that way it's fine. But there seems to be no point to it. Poems should have underlying meaning. Of course we are always either on land or on the sea.. or perhaps in the air. But what does it mean?
I came here to see if you were new, and you are. That explains why you jumped into a novel and tried to review it without knowing any of the previous plot that led up to it. Not a good idea. But I will be fair in THIS review. I won the reviewer award last month because I do reviews correctly. This senryu is okay, and deserves 4 stars. But to be excellent it would need to have more depth. Japanese poetic forms are known for their depth of meaning put into just a few words. It's not just a matter of counting syllables.
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you, heaps. Yeah, I know teenagers particularly like to use ellipsis where it's really not called for, but I wanted it to reflect the calmness and the sense of being adrift, so i did use it intentionally. I agree, there'd be little point in writing a poem just to fit the guidelines. The poem's suggesting that we can reach our happy place no matter where we are, we can be at peace even when we're not in the perfect place for it, which, I suggest, would be the sea.
Thanks for your review, I really appreciate your honesty!
Comment from squid152
You nailed the 5-7-5 poetry! Welcome to FanStory! I Liked the image of sailing on ship with the breezes that take you far away-squid
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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You nailed the 5-7-5 poetry! Welcome to FanStory! I Liked the image of sailing on ship with the breezes that take you far away-squid
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Oh thank you so much, I really appreciate it! :D
Comment from Galactia
beautiful written 5'7'5 poem. perfect syllable count across all lines. Favourite lines are...
Sail on waters blue...
Soft breezes envelope you.
Great job and good luck in the contest.
Regards
Tia
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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beautiful written 5'7'5 poem. perfect syllable count across all lines. Favourite lines are...
Sail on waters blue...
Soft breezes envelope you.
Great job and good luck in the contest.
Regards
Tia
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you so much Tia! =)