Lost in the Middle of Nowhere
Short story15 total reviews
Comment from barfy
Always wanted to see Arizona...
Vivid account... Very good... Intelligent grasp of the genre... I love these fantasy tales, usually merged with stroppy women and misogynistic men. I used to sleepwalk... Then i found a cure... Insomnia... Ha
Great... Technically fantastic, good effort...
Thanks
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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Always wanted to see Arizona...
Vivid account... Very good... Intelligent grasp of the genre... I love these fantasy tales, usually merged with stroppy women and misogynistic men. I used to sleepwalk... Then i found a cure... Insomnia... Ha
Great... Technically fantastic, good effort...
Thanks
Comment Written 07-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I also sleepwalk, but infrequently due to INSOMNIA!!!
Comment from deb552
All in all Debbie, I liked your story. It caught my attention from the beginning and kept me wanting to know more. Your description of her drive to Nebraska was good, and I could feel her frustration of the meeting being in the "middle of nowhere." One place that I found a bit confusing was in the paragraph where you talk about her waking up late because she hadn't reset her alarm clock. You then go on to say, she read a few chapters before going to sleep. Then she woke up early the next morning. I think this part was confusing because of the way it's worded. It sounds as though she went to sleep for awhile, meaning to wake up at some pt.during the night, and then planned to go back to sleep. Maybe I'm miss reading something, but I thought I'd point it out. Otherwise, Your story continues to build as you tell more about the previous convention, and wonder if this one will be the same. I like the twist where she ends up in the wrong room, not knowing how or why she was there. Also, you leave it to the reader to figure it out. I'd say you did a very good job. You say you don't write fiction, but guess what, you do! deb
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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All in all Debbie, I liked your story. It caught my attention from the beginning and kept me wanting to know more. Your description of her drive to Nebraska was good, and I could feel her frustration of the meeting being in the "middle of nowhere." One place that I found a bit confusing was in the paragraph where you talk about her waking up late because she hadn't reset her alarm clock. You then go on to say, she read a few chapters before going to sleep. Then she woke up early the next morning. I think this part was confusing because of the way it's worded. It sounds as though she went to sleep for awhile, meaning to wake up at some pt.during the night, and then planned to go back to sleep. Maybe I'm miss reading something, but I thought I'd point it out. Otherwise, Your story continues to build as you tell more about the previous convention, and wonder if this one will be the same. I like the twist where she ends up in the wrong room, not knowing how or why she was there. Also, you leave it to the reader to figure it out. I'd say you did a very good job. You say you don't write fiction, but guess what, you do! deb
Comment Written 07-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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Thanks so much Deb! I will look that part over and see if I can make it more clear. Take care and have a super day! Hugs!!! Debbie
Comment from sasil
Only a few nits to consider:
1--the part about the car--could have summed in one single sentence.
2--I noticed many of your sentences started with the word "She"--try inverting by starting with the active verb and then adding the she etc...
example:
"She finally got the lamp turned on and looked around. She was glad she was the only one there. She had wondered about that when she noticed the cologne smell."--ok to start this paragraph with She, but switch up for consecutive sentences maybe like "Glad she was the only one there, she wondered but then noticed the smell of cologne."
(should be Men's cologne, not man's).
All in all, I liked this story--it was so bordering supernatural that it could have really happened--just enough "what it?" to be plausible. Well done--hope you got an A on your assignment!
S.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Only a few nits to consider:
1--the part about the car--could have summed in one single sentence.
2--I noticed many of your sentences started with the word "She"--try inverting by starting with the active verb and then adding the she etc...
example:
"She finally got the lamp turned on and looked around. She was glad she was the only one there. She had wondered about that when she noticed the cologne smell."--ok to start this paragraph with She, but switch up for consecutive sentences maybe like "Glad she was the only one there, she wondered but then noticed the smell of cologne."
(should be Men's cologne, not man's).
All in all, I liked this story--it was so bordering supernatural that it could have really happened--just enough "what it?" to be plausible. Well done--hope you got an A on your assignment!
S.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Thanks Sasil, I really appreciate your comments as I am not a fiction writer and need all the help I can get!!! The last assignment is to revise one of our previous assignments, so I plan to do this one. I'll save all the comments I get and use those to help with the revision!!! Debbie
Comment from gsuarez
An air of mystery from beginning to end. Was it sleep walking? Was she drugged? I am surprised the paramedics only checked vital signs. This is how much I was into the story. Nice job.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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An air of mystery from beginning to end. Was it sleep walking? Was she drugged? I am surprised the paramedics only checked vital signs. This is how much I was into the story. Nice job.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much for your kind words and review!!! DEbbieI
Comment from barkingdog
What writing class are you taking, Debbie?
Your story has good build up/background to the climax and conclusion.
I don't feel like anything is missing and I don't have any questions. You explained why she was in Nebraska because of the previous bad conventioneers.
You brought in her occupation, dentist with her flossing and the clever name of her cat.
We know a little about her habits i.e. reading, sleeping with the MP3 player, bathroom light on etc.
I don't see her(size, age, style of dress, etc) as well as I see the room, but don't know how you do that when she is the POV. Unless with dialogue. But I do know her habits. Since, sleep walking is a habit, that fits into her descriptions. What she does is important, not how she looks. I get that, so good.
I like the bit of a mystery in the end with how did she get into the room with the wrong room key.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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What writing class are you taking, Debbie?
Your story has good build up/background to the climax and conclusion.
I don't feel like anything is missing and I don't have any questions. You explained why she was in Nebraska because of the previous bad conventioneers.
You brought in her occupation, dentist with her flossing and the clever name of her cat.
We know a little about her habits i.e. reading, sleeping with the MP3 player, bathroom light on etc.
I don't see her(size, age, style of dress, etc) as well as I see the room, but don't know how you do that when she is the POV. Unless with dialogue. But I do know her habits. Since, sleep walking is a habit, that fits into her descriptions. What she does is important, not how she looks. I get that, so good.
I like the bit of a mystery in the end with how did she get into the room with the wrong room key.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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It is a therapeutic writing course for those with chronic illness and diseases. Studies have show writ1ng to be of great benefit in helping to relieve both both physical and mental stress. It is an online course offered through Iowa State University each year. Last years class got me hooked om writing and a couple months later, I joined FS. Thank you for the lovely review. I don't write fiction, so hope it was OK!!! Debbie
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What a cool idea for a class.You're welcome for the review.:)BD
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Deb, quite dramatic and eerie. I find my heart thumping, fearing she's in a man's room! Glad she survives. Interesting, and I don't realize its length ... :)
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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Hi, Deb, quite dramatic and eerie. I find my heart thumping, fearing she's in a man's room! Glad she survives. Interesting, and I don't realize its length ... :)
Comment Written 05-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much-your review means a lot to me as I am not a fiction writer, but had to do this one for class. Who knows-I may try it again sometime!!! DEbbie
Comment from denhagan
This was a very interesting short story to read about a lady named Julie driving to a conference out in Nebraska, and then waking up the next day in another hotel room, and not knowing how she got there.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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This was a very interesting short story to read about a lady named Julie driving to a conference out in Nebraska, and then waking up the next day in another hotel room, and not knowing how she got there.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much-your review means a lot to me as I am not a fiction writer, but had to do this one for class. Who knows-I may try it again sometime!!! DEbbie
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You're welcome, Dennis
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, debbie, a great job writing this story about the woman that went to the wrong room, it is full of imagery and emotion, i wrote one called How I Met My Husband about a woman that went to the wrong room.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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this is very well written, debbie, a great job writing this story about the woman that went to the wrong room, it is full of imagery and emotion, i wrote one called How I Met My Husband about a woman that went to the wrong room.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much-your review means a lot to me as I am not a fiction writer, but had to do this one for class. Who knows-I may try it again sometime!!! DEbbie
Comment from Thesis
I enjoyed the story that actually showed two "lost" scenes. The sleepwalking twist at the end was a good touch, explaining why she was in another room.
The story flowed well, leading one to believe all was calm, then showing her panic. - John
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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I enjoyed the story that actually showed two "lost" scenes. The sleepwalking twist at the end was a good touch, explaining why she was in another room.
The story flowed well, leading one to believe all was calm, then showing her panic. - John
Comment Written 05-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much-your review means a lot to me as I am not a fiction writer, but had to do this one for class. Who knows-I may try it again sometime!!! DEbbie
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Keep trying, Debbie. You have talent to be explored. Go for it. - John
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Thank you kindly!!! Debbie
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Deb, there are usually fewer than a dozen different locks on motel doors, thus the key might well have fit more than one lock. It's that way in new housing subdivisions and with garage door opener codes, too. All these things should be changed when one moves in or replaces a broken lock. Your story is good, but dwells too much on what happened last year. A sentence or two when explaining about driving to the convention should explain it and allow you to get to the meat of your story. Really well done from there. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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Deb, there are usually fewer than a dozen different locks on motel doors, thus the key might well have fit more than one lock. It's that way in new housing subdivisions and with garage door opener codes, too. All these things should be changed when one moves in or replaces a broken lock. Your story is good, but dwells too much on what happened last year. A sentence or two when explaining about driving to the convention should explain it and allow you to get to the meat of your story. Really well done from there. :) Nancy
Comment Written 05-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2011
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Thanks Nancy-I appreciate your comments. Fiction is a completely new genre for me. I have only done 3 other pieces and am still trying to figure it out, so your su8ggestions are greatly appreciated. I do know a little boy who ended up asleep in the wrong hotel room and was finally found by the police. What you say about the keys must be true. I appreciate all the help I can get with my attempts at fiction. Thanks so much!!! Debbie
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Anytime, Debbie. You're much closer to the perfected story than you realize. :) Nancy