Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
44 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
i have a lot of free time tonight and i don't want to read any more poems for a while so i'm continuing this story. i feel like you're going to have a lot of reviews so you don't have to answer these back
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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i have a lot of free time tonight and i don't want to read any more poems for a while so i'm continuing this story. i feel like you're going to have a lot of reviews so you don't have to answer these back
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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Of course, I will answer back. If you take time to read, I will take time to answer.
Comment from maggieJo
I think a great part of our country live sheltered lives and do not understand this sector of life. I for one with a family of kind, would be totally bamboozled, faced with happenings like this. We hear and read of these things through the media. Your story is pretty fearful. You are a WRITER indeed! :)
maggiejo
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2009
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I think a great part of our country live sheltered lives and do not understand this sector of life. I for one with a family of kind, would be totally bamboozled, faced with happenings like this. We hear and read of these things through the media. Your story is pretty fearful. You are a WRITER indeed! :)
maggiejo
Comment Written 26-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2009
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Unfortunately it happens more often than not. My husband was active duty until a few weeks ago, he retired. Anyway, he was sent to Colombia a few times to help with the drug wars. Our government will state we are not involved.
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Hmm - you are personally involved thru your husband. Your a brave soul, along with your husband. Write away Barbara and show us how it really is on that side of the town. Bless you. I still hope to see your name on novels on the selves of the larger book store. Your writing is pensive and tense - exciting! :)
Marge
Comment from Laidy
i think as the chapters continue your audience will expand because of the spanish lingo. lol, i like reading something i can relate to. nice done
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2009
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i think as the chapters continue your audience will expand because of the spanish lingo. lol, i like reading something i can relate to. nice done
Comment Written 14-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2009
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Muchas gracias.
Comment from K-Patrick
I like this chapter installment. Very revealing. I can see the characters beginning to develop nicely.
Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons drawn. -- We know this from last chapter -- to reiterate use a more tactical approach, like: Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons at the ready.
Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, before the man. -- Unless Steve's the flash, I know of no one who's that fast. -- He could grab the man's arm before he had an opportunity to draw. While placing the muzzle of his own pistol into the man's chest and saying, "Don't even hombre." Or something clever in Spanish.
Steven's heart skipped a beat, when he saw fear in her eyes. "You better wait in the hall." -- She was told to wait in the hall. Maybe have he walk in after the take-down.
Steven, aware this man didn't know he was in the room, took a knife from his boot, crept behind him, and stabbed him in the back. -- You don't think the slender man won't should a warning. Like the knife play a part somewhere else - remember you don't take a knife to a gun fight. --- Consider having the slender man yell a warning drawing the stout man's attention from Joe and the babe. Joe can turn his back toward the man and crouch to offer protection from the stout man (who could now take a shot at Joe before Steven puts a double tap into the stout man's chest. (always two shots per torso.)
He bent down checking for a pulse. "We won't need to worry about this one." -- Checking the body, AND removing the weapon, is good.
When they reached Dani's room, Joe placed Emily in her arms. -- She begin to cry as she tried to thank him. This is a HUGE emotional moment for her. Think of the relief she must be felling --SHOW IT.
Matt stopped and removed his 9mm from his shoulder holster. He took a stance, raised his arms, and aimed between Hector Vegas's eyes, as he walked through the door. -- Too slow of a reaction for a seasoned vet. -- Before he finished saying his daughter's name, Matt had whipped his 9mm from it's holster. He took a stance aiming between Hector Vegas's eyes. Matt cocked the hammer back as the drug lord walked into the room.
Hector pointed his index finger at Leya. "You've been warned." -- There's no Dun-Dun-Dah. -- Hector pointed his index finger at Leya and spit on the floor in disgust. "You are warned." He turned and left the room.
"What happened to the men guarding my daughter?" -- In Matt's eyes they wouldn't be "guarding" his daughter. They would be the men "who had my Emily".
"I handed them off. They're en route to the Task Force; one to the morgue, and the other to jail." -- I take it that Task Force has everything, maybe send the live one to interrogation.
He glanced at the two women in the room -then - Steven glanced up and down the hall. -then - Steven starts talking about Leya. She is at least within earshot.
"Ralph Burton retired, what about eight months ago?" -- Needs a hesitation or something. Maybe: "Ralph Burton retired, what ... about eight months ago?"
Noticing his dazzling green eyes, caused a gulp to catch in her throat. -- They made eye contact in the hallway before the kidnapping. -- Consider: Remembering his dazzling green eyes, caused her breath to catch in her
throat...
Very good writing.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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I like this chapter installment. Very revealing. I can see the characters beginning to develop nicely.
Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons drawn. -- We know this from last chapter -- to reiterate use a more tactical approach, like: Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons at the ready.
Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, before the man. -- Unless Steve's the flash, I know of no one who's that fast. -- He could grab the man's arm before he had an opportunity to draw. While placing the muzzle of his own pistol into the man's chest and saying, "Don't even hombre." Or something clever in Spanish.
Steven's heart skipped a beat, when he saw fear in her eyes. "You better wait in the hall." -- She was told to wait in the hall. Maybe have he walk in after the take-down.
Steven, aware this man didn't know he was in the room, took a knife from his boot, crept behind him, and stabbed him in the back. -- You don't think the slender man won't should a warning. Like the knife play a part somewhere else - remember you don't take a knife to a gun fight. --- Consider having the slender man yell a warning drawing the stout man's attention from Joe and the babe. Joe can turn his back toward the man and crouch to offer protection from the stout man (who could now take a shot at Joe before Steven puts a double tap into the stout man's chest. (always two shots per torso.)
He bent down checking for a pulse. "We won't need to worry about this one." -- Checking the body, AND removing the weapon, is good.
When they reached Dani's room, Joe placed Emily in her arms. -- She begin to cry as she tried to thank him. This is a HUGE emotional moment for her. Think of the relief she must be felling --SHOW IT.
Matt stopped and removed his 9mm from his shoulder holster. He took a stance, raised his arms, and aimed between Hector Vegas's eyes, as he walked through the door. -- Too slow of a reaction for a seasoned vet. -- Before he finished saying his daughter's name, Matt had whipped his 9mm from it's holster. He took a stance aiming between Hector Vegas's eyes. Matt cocked the hammer back as the drug lord walked into the room.
Hector pointed his index finger at Leya. "You've been warned." -- There's no Dun-Dun-Dah. -- Hector pointed his index finger at Leya and spit on the floor in disgust. "You are warned." He turned and left the room.
"What happened to the men guarding my daughter?" -- In Matt's eyes they wouldn't be "guarding" his daughter. They would be the men "who had my Emily".
"I handed them off. They're en route to the Task Force; one to the morgue, and the other to jail." -- I take it that Task Force has everything, maybe send the live one to interrogation.
He glanced at the two women in the room -then - Steven glanced up and down the hall. -then - Steven starts talking about Leya. She is at least within earshot.
"Ralph Burton retired, what about eight months ago?" -- Needs a hesitation or something. Maybe: "Ralph Burton retired, what ... about eight months ago?"
Noticing his dazzling green eyes, caused a gulp to catch in her throat. -- They made eye contact in the hallway before the kidnapping. -- Consider: Remembering his dazzling green eyes, caused her breath to catch in her
throat...
Very good writing.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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I'm on it. Thank you..
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After reading my review, I realize I need to learn how to spell the RIGHT word that I am thinking. Any ?s please feel free.
:o)
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Not a problem. I have the same problem. I teach first grade. I can figure out even the worst spelling.
Comment from Somer
Aha, very good! Although i haven't read the other chapters yet( and i will ) this is interesting! So Leya and Steven have a thing for each other? I'll read on!
Good work.
Thanks,
Somer
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Aha, very good! Although i haven't read the other chapters yet( and i will ) this is interesting! So Leya and Steven have a thing for each other? I'll read on!
Good work.
Thanks,
Somer
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from FredCollingwood
You have a unique style of writing and I found it an enjoyable read. I look forward to reading more of your postings.
Fred
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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You have a unique style of writing and I found it an enjoyable read. I look forward to reading more of your postings.
Fred
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from RaymondJohn
The creeping up and stabbing the Hispanic in the back is far too simplistic. You need to develop it more, or at least show us rather than tell. I am interested in the story. Ray
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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The creeping up and stabbing the Hispanic in the back is far too simplistic. You need to develop it more, or at least show us rather than tell. I am interested in the story. Ray
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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I thought about that when I wrote it, but decided it is a romance novel and my audience is females. Besides other than it happened, it in no way moves the romance along, so I decided not to spend a lot of time on it.
Comment from dihardest
You begin in tension and maintain it throughout, even though it varies in origin at different points. I like the closing revelation which is certain to encourage the reader to turn the page. One constructive criticism: The adverbial clause "...before the man" at the end of the first paragraph seems superfluous and somewhat confusing to me.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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You begin in tension and maintain it throughout, even though it varies in origin at different points. I like the closing revelation which is certain to encourage the reader to turn the page. One constructive criticism: The adverbial clause "...before the man" at the end of the first paragraph seems superfluous and somewhat confusing to me.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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I'll recheck that clause. Thank you for review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Belinda
Still tantalizing... I mean, this chapter still keeps my full attention. You open the way for so many questions in the readers' mind, which is good and will keep them waiting for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Still tantalizing... I mean, this chapter still keeps my full attention. You open the way for so many questions in the readers' mind, which is good and will keep them waiting for the next chapter.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Thank you.
Comment from Mariea
Hello Barbara. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter on this one.
Storyline = good realistic development through the chapter
Dialogue - natural sounding dialogue without clutter
Perhaps if u delete 'before the man' in the 1st para, it would sound a bit smoother.
Regards Mia
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Hello Barbara. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter on this one.
Storyline = good realistic development through the chapter
Dialogue - natural sounding dialogue without clutter
Perhaps if u delete 'before the man' in the 1st para, it would sound a bit smoother.
Regards Mia
Comment Written 13-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words. I've had more suggestions on that first paragraph. I keep rewriting it and still don't have it right.